29-May-2001
Sorry for the delay on act II. Memorial Day Weekend and all... Anyway, on to the Parody!
Dedicated to my co-conspirator of insanity, Herve.
It's his fault, I swear....::snicker:: ^_~
Author:Tigress Pern
Title: People In Black
Archive: GW Addiction
Type: Parody/Comedy
Warnings: OOC, self-insertion, silliness, hinted at 3+4
Disclaimer: I don't own either Gundam Wing or Men In
Black. Poor, no money, please don't sue.
Quatre: Pern!
Pern: Hai, Quatre?
Quatre: I can't find Trowa anywhere and he's supposed to be getting into costume.
Pern: Odd.Where could that boy be?
Quatre: I don't know, but he's going to miss his big scene if he doesn't get his butt here soon.
Pern: Don't worry. I'll go find him. Just make sure everyone else is ready. Oh, and if Duo complains about being in an orange sweatsuit again, tell him I have a yellow evening gown that would look stunning on him.
Narrator: When last we left our heroes.*snicker* Officer Maxwell was being dragged by Heero to the super top secret headquarters of the P.I.B. ::glances at script:: Oi, Pern-sama. Did you know Pib is a soft drink?
Pern: Yes, I noticed that. Ignore it and go on.
Narrator: Great, we have a pun-ny director. Heero proceeded to haul Officer Maxwell into the super top secret headquarters and toss him into the elevator.
Officer Maxwell: OI! What do you think you're doing?! ::Maxwell manages to wiggle free of Heero's grasp::
Heero smoothing his suit: I'm giving you a chance to join one of the world's most secret groups.
Officer Maxwell: You mean the CIA? ::Heero shakes his head:: Who could be more secret than the CIA?
Heero: You'll see. ::The elevator doors open and they step out. They proceed to a room where there are other people sitting in uncomfortable chairs.:: I'll leave you here. ::Heero leaves and Maxwell looks after him::
Officer Maxwell: Great, now what.
Sally appearing: You'll take a seat. ::Once Maxwell has done so, she continues:: You have all been gathered here because you are the best of the best. Now we want to know who is the best of the best of the best. Let's start with a simple written exam. ::digging into her briefcase, Sally produces a stack of papers and passes them out along with pencils. As the people begin to fill out the forms, Maxwell looks about for something to write on. After much debate and attempts using his legs, the back of the chair and even the floor, he gives up and grabs the long table. Dragging it toward him, he firmly places his paper on it and begins to write. The other candidates look at him wishing they'd thought to do that. After an hour Sally collects the exams:: All right, now for the next test. You will be issued side arms and will be tested on your reaction time and ability. ::She ushers them out of the room::
Officer Maxwell: I hope this doesn't take long. I'm getting thirsty.
Sally: We'll have refreshments after this. ::The group enters a room, are issued guns and led to a second room. The room is dark and when the lights are let up, there is a cardboard city set up. Cut out monsters appear and people begin firing. Maxwell just stares not quite sure what to do until a cut out of a small boy with blond curls and a healthy tan holding a puppy appear. He fires multiple times.:: HALT! Maxwell, will you tell me why you thought it necessary to shoot little Marcus?
Officer Maxwell: Well, I saw that nasty dude up there:: He points to a four eyed drooling green monster hanging upside down from a light pole:: But then I noticed that he wasn't snarling or anything. He was just hanging out. Then I didn't shoot the brown and purple guy because I noticed he was trying to help the blue and pink guy across the street. Frankly, there are all these monster and then little Marcus. Marcus is the only one who looks out of sort.
Sally: Okay...
Narrator: And so the tests were graded and the scores counted. While this was occurring, Sally took Officer Maxwell aside and escorted him to Heero. Then she went and took the other candidates off to a room where she Flash-Zapped them before taking them home.
Heero: You've passed.
Duo: Really? I thought that Navy Seal would pass. And that Marine too.
Heero: They didn't have your qualifications. Come. ::Maxwell followed Heero to a locker room. Opening a locker he instructed Maxwell to change clothes:: You are now part of a secret government organization know as the People In Black or P.I.B. Your identity will be erased, you will no longer exist outside our database. You will wear only regulation clothing.
Officer Maxwell: Yes! Something black! Good bye neon orange atrocity! ::Maxwell starts stripping excitedly flinging the sweat suit on the ground. He's only wearing a pair of black boxers::
Heero: Um.*blush* Yes. You will be instructed on how to work with different alien races.
Officer Maxwell: Alien races? Does this mean I can put my Klingon to good use?
Heero: There are no Klingons.
Officer Maxwell: Damn.I'm fluent in it too.
Heero: Trekkie. ::Maxwell sticks out his tongue::
::Once Officer Maxwell is dressed, they head out on a grand tour of the place. Maxwell makes sure Heero points out all the bathrooms, vending machines, coffee niches and nap rooms. He wouldn't want to miss a thing. After that they go to the main control room to meet Wufei::
Heero: All our agents except a few women have numbers for names. Your name will be reduced to a single digit, Two.
Officer Maxwell: Hold on a minute! I refuse to be called Number Two. Duo means two in Latin, can't you just use that?
Heero: I suppose.
Officer Maxwell/Duo: All right! ::They walk into Wufei's office::
Wufei: Ah. Heero. And this must be the man who is to be your partner. Officer D. Maxwell it says on your file. You won't be known as that any longer.
Duo: That's right. My name is Duo now. ::Wufei eyes the smiling new member of P.I.B. then glances at the glowering Heero::
Wufei: May Kami-sama have mercy. Don't let him kill him.
Duo: What was that, sir?"
Wufei: Nothing! *cough * I'm Wufei, the man in charge here, so to speak. Has Heero informed you of what we do?
Duo: Hai! We keep track of aliens both legal and illegal from other galaxies. ::Wufei arches an eyebrow::
Wufei: You seem awfully calm about this. Most of our newbies freak out.
Heero: He's a Trekkie.
Wufei: Should have known. Just keep him away from the phazers and we won't have a repeat of what happened last time. It took us six hours to calm the Vulcans down. They're such an emotional group.
Heero: Hai.
Wufei: Now Duo, you'll be under Heero's strict surveillance for the next few weeks until you get your bearings. I want you to obey him.
Duo: Hai. ::Wufei walks over and whispers in his ear::
Wufei: Obey him unless the request is unreasonable. He's tried to blow himself up twice and God knows how often that car has been in an accident. Keep your wits about you and please survive. ::stepping back:: Now, I want both of you to hit the streets. Sally and I have noticed that people have begun trying to get off the planet. See if they know something we don't. Dismissed!
Heero and Duo: Hai sir!
Narrator: As Heero and Duo leave the P.I.B. base, across town in a restaurant a man and a woman sit down to have some lunch. They are old friends and chat quietly.
Dorothy: It is so good to see you. How was your trip?
Alex: It was fine Miss Dorothy. ::he leans closer:: I have some disturbing news your majesty.
Dorothy whispering: Keep your voice down. I don't want anyone to hear. What news?
Alex: The Bugs, they're after you.
Dorothy: What? Why those lowlife, scum eating... cockroaches.
Alex: We should leave this planet. Then once you're at the head of our army, we'll crush them once and for all.
Dorothy with an evil gleam in her eyes: Yes, that's sounds good. They need to be stepped on. Just let me collect my cat and we'll go. ::looks about for her kitty, which she had brought with her. The little siamese is staring up at a man that looks familiar. It's Tsuborov! The cat hisses at him.::
Tsuborov: Your lunch. ::he dumps the messy plates of partially eaten food on the table. Roaches are crawling everywhere.::
Dorothy: EEWWWW!!! What is the meaning of this?! ::Suddenly she falls over. Alex leaps to her, but suddenly falls over. There is a great commotion as clients start screaming. Tsuborov flees with the cat hissing and spitting standing on top of the table.::
Narrator: Um..Pern. I think we missed a scene. ::starts shuffling papers:: Where is the scene that explains how Tsuborov got to the restaurant?
Pern: Isn't it there? It was supposed to come right after Duo took his exams..::starts rumaging through the papers too:: Where is it???!!! This is bad, now everything is out of order. We'll have to start this act over.
Treize: You don't have to. Just have the Narrator explain what happened or better yet, let Une in her big scene do it. Just give her a few more lines. Here, I'll help you rewrite it.
Pern: Thanks. Um..just keep going, we'll fix the problem.
Narrator: Okay.I guess. Is everyone okay with this? ::The cast nods:: Fine, then we'll keep going. Oh, and has anyone seen Trowa? We still can't find him. Quatre's been checking the dressing rooms and bathroom in case he got locked in one of them. We had to use the theater's cat for the part. No? Well, Heero, Duo, you're up next!
::Heero and Duo walk out onto a street, Duo is straightening his tie and fiddling with his new designer sunglasses. He smiles and strikes a pose.::
Duo: I look so awesome in these. Oi Heero, what are we doing any way?
Heero: We must gather information for our mission.
Duo walking beside Heero: What is our mission again?
Heero glaring: To figure out why all the aliens are leaving in such a hurry. Let's stop here to gather information. ::They stop in front of a news stand, Heero picks up a copy of the National Inquirer::
Duo: Oh, like we're going to find the reason looking through a tabloid.
Heero: Some of our best information comes from tabloids. Look. "My Husband is an Alien from Outer Space: Farm Wife Tells All". This looks interesting. It is best we check this.
Duo: Cool! 50% off leather pants! ::Flipping through magazine, Duo is grabbed by Heero and they head off. The scene changes and they are at a farm. Heero knocks on the door and Une opens it.::
Une: Yes? May I help you?
Heero: I would like to ask you some questions about your husband..::Pern sneaks on stage and hands Une her new lines, then sneaks back off:: .You said your husband is an alien?
Une looking at her new lines: Yes, that's right. Come in. ::she gestures for them to enter.:: I didn't think anyone would believe me. Although the National Inquirer did pay handsomely, I don't think they really believed a word I said.
Duo wearing a suddenly very serious face: We're here for the facts ma'am, nothing more.
Une: Indeed. Would you gentlemen like something to drink?
Heero: No thank you. We just want to hear.
Une: I know, my story. Well, ::she sits down in a large comfy chair, the other two take seats on the wide coach:: About three days ago something fell out of the sky and crushed my husband, Tsuborov's Mobile Doll. Of course he blamed our neighbor, Mr. Treize Khushrenada, but I know it wasn't him. He's such a nice young man, helpful, brave, considerate, an advocate against the usage of Mobile Dolls. He really is well liked around here. Anyway, so my dear.::sneer:: husband went out to investigate. When he got back into the house he wasn't acting like himself.
Heero: How was he acting?
Une: He stumbled in and asked me for some sugar water. Then he thanked me when I got it for him. He never thanks me for anything. Also his skin, it was stretched in some places and loose in others. It was if something non-human was wearing Tsuborov's skin. The next day when the exterminator showed up, we have a problem with cockroaches around here and Tsuborov is too cheap to do anything, so I had to call the exterminator in. So the exterminator shows up and Tsuborov goes ballistic on the guy and says he's killing his family. Then he attacks the poor man. I had to get my assault rifle and actually unload a round at him. ::Une smiles evilly at the memory:: After our little showdown, my husband steals the exterminator's truck and drives off. I haven't seen my husband in two days and frankly, I'm glad to be rid of him.
Duo: Sounds like it. What a jerk. Mobile Dolls will dehumanize war.
Une: That's exactly what Treize thinks.
Heero: Where was the Mobile Doll parked?
Une: Right outside. ::Heero motions to Duo to put on his sunglasses:: You can't miss it, it's a huge crater in our driveway.
Heero: Thank you very much. ::pulls out his pen flashy-memory-erasing gizmo:: * FLASH, ZAP *
Duo: What did you just do?
Heero putting away the gizmo: I erased her memory of the past ten minutes. Now I'll give her a new memory. ::turning to Une:: Tsuborov ran off and killed himself. You are now a widow.
Duo: Hey! That's not a very nice. You should make it happier. ::Heero gives Duo an odd look:: Here let me try. ::Heero flashy things her again:: Okay, here's how it is. Tsuborov ran off to build the perfect Mobile Doll, but fouled up and got squished instead. You're free to do as you please. You're gonna go upstairs, put on your best dress and go into town to celebrate. Oh, and that nice Treize guy, you are going to try and pick him up because he's just so cute, you can't resist. ::Duo leans back smiling evilly. Une blinks and then comes to herself::
Une: Um...
Duo: We're sorry for your loss. The accident with your husband and all.we've decided to end Mobile Doll production. ::Heero is eyeing Duo who is turning out to be a damn good actor::
Une: YES! I mean... thank you.WAHOO!!!!!! ::she shakes each of the boys' hands and is about to head upstairs when there is a knock at the door. She rushes to it and there is Treize::
Treize: I heard your husband left you.
Une: He's dead.
Treize: Come away with me my beautiful Une. We shall pilot mobile suits and bring peace to all nations.
Une: Oh, Treize! ::falls into his arms. He holds her, they stare into each others eyes and tiny cupids (Chibi Zechs and Howard in diapers, with wings and red sashes) hold up a large heart above the couple's head. Treize smiles::
Treize: Oh, Une. ::He whisks her away in his white mobile suit and they fly off into the sunset, while sparkles flitter everywhere and the theme song to Titanic plays in the background::
Duo: Pern, if you're trying to make me ill you're doing a good job.
Pern: Read the script or I'll give you something to really make you sick.
Heero pulling Duo off the coach and getting on with the play before the director smacks Duo: We should check out the crash site. ::They go outside to the huge crater and Heero hops in. He takes out a handy dandy soil sampler kit and tests the soil. He stares at the little device until the light turns green:: Bugs. We have Bugs.
Duo: No kidding we have bugs. Didn't you hear the lady say she had a bug problem?
Heero: Not bugs, Bugs. Giant alien cockroaches that have a bad attitude. We need to go back to base.
Duo: Okay, but I'm driving. That whole upside down in the tunnel while flying along the ceiling thing nearly snapped my neck. And you almost hit an ambulance. What if I'd needed that? Give me the keys, right now. ::Heero walks towards their black car:: Heero, the keys. No, I'm not getting in if you're driving. Forget it.
Heero: Get in the car.
Duo: No. Keys.
Narrator: What will happen next? Will Heero and Duo find the Bug? Will we find out why Dorothy and Alex were killed?
Dorothy: I'm not dead yet.
Narrator: * cough * Will we find out why Dorothy and Alex were attacked? Why is the Bug after Dorothy?
Duo: HEERO, THE KEYS!
Narrator: * sweat drop * Stay tuned for act III.
End Part 2
Tigress Pern