25-May-2001

It has been a REALLY long time since I've posted anything, anywhere. ::waves:: Hi everyone. Sorry for the crossposting. ^_^

This was a challenge from my co-conspirator of insanity, Herve. It took me nearly...uh..I won't say how long to complete. It was a really long time though. Enjoy!!!

Author: Tigress Pern
Title: People In Black
Type: Comedy/Parody
Warnings: hint at 4+3, silliness, OOC, self-insertion
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing isn't mine, neither is Men In Black. Please don't sue! Poor over worked, over stressed college student, no money!

People In Black by Tigress Pern

Part One

Act One...

Duo: Oi, Pern-sama.

Pern: Hai?

Duo: Have you seen Quatre? He was supposed to be getting my costume and..::Quatre comes trotting in holding up Duo's costume:: NO! Pern, you can't make me wear that!

Pern: Tough!. Quatre, shove him in that and get him out on stage.

Quatre: Hai! ::grabs Duo by the braid and drags him off as he's screaming no.::

Pern: Let the show begin!

::curtain rise:: Narrator: It was an ordinary night on the border between the Sanq Kingdom and its neighbor. The owls were hooting, the crickets were chirping, the smugglers were smuggling illegal immigrants across the border in a beat up truck. Yes, it was a night like any other. As the truck lumbers along, the immigrants huddle together for warmth. Suddenly the police appear, they pull over the truck and instruct all the immigrants to get out. Among them is a large man with a thick mustache and beard. As the police are busy doing police type things, a black car drives up. Two people get out. They are both dressed in black suits with white shirts. They approach the group.

Zechs: Good evening officer.

Otto: Good evening. Can I help you gentlemen?

Zechs: We're from the Bureau. We're investigating illegal aliens. ::he glances about the group as his partner begins systematically staring each one down.::

Otto: We have a lot of them right here.

Heero glaring at the large man with mustache and beard: Omea o korosu. ::The man pales and makes a run for it::

Otto: HEY WAIT! STOP! ::Heero bolts after the man and Zechs follows suit leaving the officer on his own.  They chase the illegal alien in amongst some trees. Pulling out a huge gun, Zechs fires at him::

Zechs: Hold it right there Dermail. ::the man slowly turns around:: Yes, we know it is you. Trying to fool us with that costume. Heero remove his head.

::Heero stalks over to the cowering man and removes his head. The costume falls apart to reveal an alien creature with bluish skin and antennae.::

Zechs: Trying to sneak back into the country, not very smart. I'm afraid we'll have to..ARGH! ::Zechs is throw to the ground as the alien makes a bolt for it again. Zechs can't get to his gun, but Heero can and he aims at Dermail's head and blows him into a million zillion tiny gross oozing pieces::

Heero: Nimnu kanryou. Mission accomplished.

Zechs: I noticed. Now how am I supposed to get this stuff out of my hair? ::Heero shrugs:: I'm getting tired of having my best suits ruined and my hair covered in slime. Can't you ever make a clean kill? ::As Zechs rants, Heero notices that they had been followed. The police officer, Otto, is standing not very far away staring at them in shock. Heero immediately realizes that they've been seen and marches up to him as Zechs calls for a clean up crew.::

Otto: Oh, please..don't shoot me! I-I didn't see anything. I swear! ::Heero pulls out a little object that looks like a pen and puts on sunglasses::

Heero: Look at this. * FLASH, ZAP * ::suddenly Otto can't remember what just happened. Heero instructs him to go back to the truck as it is unnecessary for him to be around the newly discovered leak in the gas line::

Zechs: You know, you could have thought up something better...::Heero blinked:: We've used the gas leak cover up story how many times? I may be your partner, but sometimes I think that you don't even care about anything except whatever mission we happen to be on. I gave up a promising relationship with a good-looking lady just to be your partner and look where it has gotten me. Drenched in alien blood, my girlfriend has probably given up hope of ever hearing from me again and I'm stuck with the ice lord here who can't think past the next mission. I'm tired of this you know. Look just as long as.* FLASH, ZAP * ::Zechs falls silent::

Heero: Ah.quiet.

Narrator: As all of this is taking place, all the way across the country a local police officer and his cohorts are in hot pursuit of a criminal. They run as fast as they can after the thief, but one officer pulls away from the pack.

Officer Maxwell: HALT! I SAID HALT YOU SCUMBAG! ::They thief just runs faster:: SHIT!!! ::The man runs across a street, Officer Maxwell follows, but he is too fast. Maxwell dressed in orange warm-up pants and jacket, leaps onto the nearest city bus and hangs on until he is nearly upon the criminal. He jumps off and lands on the pavement. The criminal spies him and darts into the nearest building.:: God damn it! That sucker can move. It's like he isn't human. ::Maxwell enters the building and begins to chase him. The man suddenly springs onto the side of the wall and crawls all the way up:: WHAT THE?????? ::Maxwell races for the stairs and begins climbing. They meet on the top floor, the man scrambles past him and out onto the roof. Maxwell follows:: All right. I don't know what you are or how you could do that, but I want you to stop in the name of the Sanq kingdom. Do you hear me?

Man: ..I won't be caught.They're coming. ::he blinks revealing a third eye lid, Maxwell is stunned and as he pulls out his gun the man/alien jumps off the building and safely lands. He scrambles away::

Officer Maxwell: What the hell was that?

Narrator: The police officer returns to the precinct to file his report. No one appears to believe him, least of all the chief. The young officer doesn't appear to be scoring any brownie points today. The chief keeps muttering something about stress and time off for him.

Officer Maxwell: I know what I saw..Why won't anyone believe me? ::he hangs his head:: And why am I wearing orange?

Pern from off stage: Because they're part of the costume.

Officer Maxwell: It may look good on Will Smith, but not on me!

Pern hissing: Deal with it! Or I'll put you in something worse. I think I have an old pink taffeta gown.

Officer Maxwell: NO! ::Suddenly there is a flash of white light outside the door to his office. Heero opens the door and steps in, putting away his sunglasses in his breast pocket as he does..:: Who are you?

Heero: I heard you had an incident today.

Officer Maxwell: Yeah, what about it. No one believes me.

Heero: I'd like you to tell me about it.

Officer Maxwell: Now? I have to write a report still.  ::suddenly the door opens and Chief G appears::

G: Great report Maxwell. Keep up the good work! ::he leaves. Duo looks stunned::

Officer Maxwell: But I didn't..

Heero: It looks like you have time. Come with me. ::They leave and find the nearest hole in the wall restaurant, which for some reason is right next door to the precinct. A friendly waitress sits them down at a table. Heero asks Officer Maxwell to tell him the whole story.::

Officer Maxwell: So then he blinked three times.

Heero: So?

Officer Maxwell: The guy had three eyelids. Look I know it sounds strange, but..I know what I saw.

Heero: I believe you.

Officer Maxwell: You do? ::Heero nods::

Heero: What you saw today was a cephalopod. An alien.  I'm surprised that you managed to run it down. Most people can't.

Officer Maxwell: An alien? Really? You've got be kidding me? A real live alien from another planet. Cool! I knew reading all those Sci-fi novels would pay off someday! * FLASH, ZAP * :: Officer Maxwell fell silent::

Heero: I better report this. Um waitress another Daiquiri for my friend and me. Put it on his tab.

Narrator: As Officer Maxwell and Heero have another daiquiri an event that will change both their lives occurs. It doesn't occur in some large city or even at the imperial palace but at a small farm on the border. This farm belongs to one Tsuborov and his err.wife, Une. ::blinks:: Pern, how could you make Une his wife?

Pern: She said she wanted a small part. That and she wanted to keep an eye on Tsuborov in case he tried anything stupid. Like deny the Gundam pilots oxygen or use mobile dolls to take over the world.

Narrator: Oh. Anyway, as they are about to sit down to dinner a meteor screams out of the sky and lands smack dab on top of a mobile doll parked outside. The mobile doll is flattened. Hearing the crash and subsequent explosion, Tsuborov goes out to investigate.

Une: What was that dear? Dear?

Tsuborov: If it is that Khushrenada kid trying to scrap my mobile doll again, he will warrant some W.O.O. time.

Une: W.O.O.?

Tsuborov: With. Out. Oxygen. ::Tsuborov stalks out of the house, rifle in hand.:: Shit, what did that kid do!? My mobile doll! ::Tsuborov begins to circle the large crater left by the impact and is randomly picking up pieces of metal and cursing::

Une: Serves you right for having that thing.

Tsuborov: Shut up woman! Get back in the house.

Une: Fine. ::she stalks back inside and slams the door. Meanwhile two pincher like claws poke out of the crater and latch on to Tsuborov's legs::

Tsuborov: What the..AAAAaahhhh!!!!!! ::he screams as he's dragged into the crater.::

Une from inside: BAKA! ::there are sounds of a scuffle and when it finally subsides we see Tsuborov emerge, but he doesn't look right. He walks funny and there are roaches scrambling about his feet. He staggers towards the house::

Narrator: While Une deals with her "husband", elsewhere Heero is sitting in an office at the secret headquarters, being lectured to by his boss.

Wufei: And because of your antisocial behavior towards your partner, we've lost Zechs. He's currently in the Bahamas after being reunited with his old girlfriend Noin. I'd like to know how that happened, but I won't ask. Needless to say, we're out one agent.

Heero: I don't need a partner.

Wufei: Oh, yes you do! I'm not letting anyone go out there alone. It wouldn't be smart. I need at least one person to survive and report back in case something goes wrong. And with your track record, you most certainly need a partner! Now, how about this guy? ::Wufei pulls out a picture of Officer Maxwell from a file:: You said he ran down a cephalopod, right? ::Heero nods:: Well, I'd like to see this kid try out for the P.I.B. Get him.

Heero: Ninmu ryoukai. Mission accepted. ::Heero gets up and heads for the door::

Wufei: Oh, and Heero, on your way out see if Sally has managed to pick up the latest issue of the Globe.

Heero: Hai.

Wufei: There was an article on the president in it and I wanted to see if the American public had figured out about his wife being from Bla'han. ::Heero nods and leaves the office.::

Narrator:...

Pern: ::nudge:: Psst! It's your line.

Narrator: Oh! Gomen.

Pern: Put that magazine away.

Narrator: O.k.! So Heero went in search of Officer Maxwell. He found him at a local burger joint wallowing in self-pity because Chief G had decided to send him on a retreat that involved singing, dancing in grass skirts, crying, and beating on drums. Approaching the sulking police officer, Heero handed him his card and after Maxwell had read it, he grabbed him by the collar and dragged him off.

Officer Maxwell: Hey! Where are we going?

Heero: You've been chosen for a special position.

Officer Maxwell: I refuse to wear coconut shells! ::Heero gives him an odd look then hauls him out the door.::

Narrator: So now Officer Maxwell is off with Heero. What is Heero planning to do with him? What is up with Tsuborov? And is this connected somehow? Does the director even know what she's writing?

Pern: I heard that!

Narrator: Tune in next time for the next part of People in Black!

End Part 2

Tigress Pern

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