4-Feb-2002
Alrighty! And here we go again with more Men in Spandex. I'm so happy people seem to be enjoying this. ^_^ Now on with the show!
Title: Heero Hood: Men in Spandex
Author: Tigress Pern
Type: Parody of a Parody
Archived: Gundam Wing Addiction
Warnings: silliness, self-insertion, OOC, 1+2, Prof. G hitting on Quatre, 3+4 hints,
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or Robin Hood Men in Tights, they belong to someone who certainly isn't me.
Quatre whining: Why did you assign me this part, Pern? Duo hates me! Heero, Wufei and Relena think I’m bad and Prof. G is getting WAY to friendly with me. Plus Trowa hasn't even been introduced!
Pern: Whoa! Quatre, look...The reason I gave you the sheriff is because you're the only one with that many men able to be the bumbling guards at your disposal. Besides, it's a way to shake that little "nice guy" persona.
Quatre growling: How about I just go Zero system on stage?
Pern: Then I'll have to go Hentai Empress...::Quatre's eyes widen in fear::
Quatre: Not the tie me to the bed and torture me fic again!
Pern: If you behave I won't write the next part to it....or share it.
Trowa appearing and clamping his hand over his boyfriend's mouth: He'll be quiet. I promise.
Pern: Good. Next scene!
Narrator: Night has fallen upon the castle and the Sheriff of Rottingham is seated at a large table. Across from him sits a woman with a cat in her lap. She is flanked on either side by two women with serious expressions on their faces. They all have a menacing air to them. The Sheriff is not happy he had to call in Noin the Godmother and her gang, but Prince John the Treize has insisted. And after the loss of all the wine Sister Hilde Tuck was SUPPOSED to be bringing for his surprise marriage to Maid Marion, he had reluctantly agreed.
Quatre: So can you do it?
Noin: Of course. I am of course the Godmother. ::strokes the tabby cat in her lap:: We'll take care of this Heero Hood for you.
Quatre: Yes, but how do you plan on trapping him? He's not that easy to get to. Believe me, I've tried. I’ve put up wanted posters, raised the bounty on his head, snuck into the forest dressed as a noble woman with her maids so that he would try and rob me. Nothing has worked! And I even got permission to wear the crown jewels! What, they weren’t pretty enough for him to even think about robbing me!
Noin: And that is why you call in specialists. ::she smiles while Quatre grinds his teeth::
Quatre growling: So what is your idea?
Noin: Well, what does this Heero Hood like? If it's women, REAL women. ::Quatre glares at Noin. What, he wasn’t convincing enough as a girl? Well the fact Heero hadn’t robbed him was probably a testament to his makeup skills:: I'm sure my ladies could entice him into their snares. ::gestures left to Dorothy and right to Catherine:: Or perhaps it is rescuing a damsel in distress?
Quatre shaking his head getting back to the matter at hand: No, he is a very secretive person about his likes, but I do know he is an excellent archer. In fact the best in the kingdom, it is rumored.
Noin: AH. Then we could use the old archery contest ploy. It works every time. They show up in disguise and my archer, Catherine defeats them and when they're crying foul, we get them.
Quatre: Get them...as in assassinate?
Noin: Exactly. For no one is as good with a bow as Catherine. The runner up is always the target. So if the prince would be so kind as to sponsor a small archery contest...
Quatre: It'll attract Heero Hood and you'll finish him off for us?
Noin: As a service to you, yes. If it was anyone else, you'd be paying for our services. But since I owe you for that little incident with the late library books...
Quatre: Of course. ::grin::
Noin: Catherine will enter the contest and win, while Dorothy waits in a convenient hiding place for our prey. It's the perfect ploy. Just find us a good place to hold the contest, can you at least do that?
Quatre stiffening: Certainly. Who do you take me for?
Noin: The guy who hasn't been able to catch Heero Hood.
Quatre: ...::death glare::....
Narrator: As the Godmother and the Sheriff square off in the sniping contest, little do they know that they have been overheard. Marion on her way to her harp lesson had paused by the door. Upon hearing of the plan to kill Heero Hood, she forgets about her lesson and stealthily makes her way back to her room.
Duo throwing open the door: SALLY!
Sally: Yes, my lady?
Duo: I need to ride to Sherwood forest. There is foul play in the works for Heero Hood and his band of merry people. I'll give you three guesses as to who is responsible and the first two don't count.
Sally: The Sheriff.
Duo: ::beam:: Bingo.
Sally: Well, we can't sit around here then. ::heads for the balcony overlooking the courtyard::
Duo: Exactly my thought. ::comes up beside her and whistles:: Lady. ::a horse neighs and suddenly a beautiful white horse trots out from the darkness::
Sally: Hey, that horse is already saddled and how did it get out of the stable?
Duo shrugging: I don't know...
Sally: Duo....::growl::
Duo: tsk tsk, it's Marion. ::leaps off balcony and glides down onto the horse's back, landing in a perfect sidesaddle position::
Sally: I'll call you whatever I want you little brat....PANDA. ::suddenly a black and white pinto horse comes running. Sally climbs down the trellis conveniently situated next to the balcony and drops down onto the pinto's back. Duo eyes her::
Duo: Is there something you want to tell me? ::gestures towards the horse::
Sally: Well, there is guy, he's a foreign exchange student, that's part of Heero's band. I met him when I was vacationing in London. He's a bit um...arrogant at times, but kinda cute and...
Meilan from off stage: KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY HUSBAND!
Sally: You're dead, so he's up for grabs!
Meilan: LIKE HELL! I'm here and alive now!
Sally: Only because Pern brought you here in a time machine. Once this play is done, you're going back and he's mine!
Duo: They're fighting over Wufei?
Pern from off stage: If you two don't quit now, I'll give Wufei to Treize and Zechs and that'll be the end of it! You both'll be out of luck!
Meilan: You wouldn't!
Pern: Try me!
Duo: Can we just finish the scene?!
Sally quickly getting back into character: We must hurry my lady.
Duo: To Sherwood forest! ::They ride off, meanwhile, offstage Meilan continues to argue with the director, who finally gets completely pissed off and stalks off to the costume room and grabs some magic dust from the last play and sprinkling it on Meilan turns her into a cat. Hopefully the rest of the play will go smoothly after this::
~at Sherwood forest~
Wufei: Hey, where's Pern? I refuse to do this little dance number.
Zechs: I agree.
Random Merry Person Trowa: Yes.
Relena: I don't know, the tune is catchy. ::half-singing::“We men…men in spandex”. Okay, the lyrics could use some work. But come on, it could be fun! ::glare from all the men:: Fine! I'll sing, you men can just grumble like you always do!
Dr. J: I'll join you. I like to dance.
Wufei: Oh, brother. That is something I don't want to see. ::covers eyes::
Trowa: Dr. J dancing?
Zechs: WRONG! ::shakes head::
Relena: Um, I have to agree with you there. ::edges closer to her brother::
Dr. J: HEY! I'm a great dancer! Watch! ::starts dancing and singing::
"We're men, men in spandex.
We run around the forest
looking for fights.
We’re men, men in spandex.
Always around to up hold
The people’s rights!
We may look like sissies,
But watch out or we'll
Put out your lights!"
::The others cover their ears and groan considering Dr. J is WAY off key::
Wufei: Zechs, make him stop.
Zechs: ME? He's your scientist!
Wufei: Not mine! I have Master O! He's Heero's!
Trowa: Relena, quick!
Relena taking a deep breath and screaming in the highest pitch that she can: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO! ::suddenly a tranquilizer dart hits J in the butt and he falls over and passes out.::
Dr. J: ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Trowa looking offstage at Heero: Thank you.
Heero: Hn.
::suddenly out of the forest we hear Duo and Sally::
Duo using his high voice: The camp must be this direction. I heard someone singing, at least I think it was supposed to be singing.
Sally: It sounded more like a wounded animal that someone thankfully put out of its misery. ::Sally and Duo come out of the foliage and guide their horses into the clearing. Looking at the merry people::
Duo: Is this the forest hideout of Heero Hood?
Zechs: Who wants to know?
Sally: We have information for him. I’m Sally and this is Maid Marion.
Trowa: I will fetch Heero.
Wufei leaning over to Relena: She’s pretty, ne?
Relena: For a noblewoman…I guess.
Wufei: Jealous?
Relena: Maybe.
Wufei: She apparently is his type. Every time we mention her, Heero actually starts talking.
Relena: And exactly what does he see in her? Not that I’m saying I’m jealous, but honestly. She’s King Richard’s ward.
Wufei: Sister Hilde says she’s pretty nice.
Relena: Well, she does seem concerned or else she wouldn’t be here. I’ll consider her an ally, I guess.
::Trowa reappears with Heero::
Heero: He says you have information. ::Nods towards Trowa. Duo dismounts::
Duo: I do, but I must tell you in private. ::Heero nods and they move away as Sally hops off her horse and walks over by Wufei. But she keeps an eye on Duo. Can’t have anyone getting past his chastity belt right?:: Heero, the Sheriff is planning to have you assassinated. He and Prince John the Treize are making arrangements at this moment to hold an archery contest. It’s a trap designed to lure you out into the open and have you killed. They have an expert marksman on their side. She won’t miss.
Heero: I see.
Duo: Please, don’t go. You’re the only hope for this country. There is only one Heero Hood. And you …::moves closer so that he is practically touching Heero:: only you… ::leans forward as if to kiss Heero, but Sally suddenly coughs and Heero turns away at the crucial moment. Duo swears mentally::
Heero: I will take your words into consideration Maid Marion.
Duo: Please, call me Marion.
Heero: Ok. Unfortunately, I can’t avoid the contest.
Duo his voice nearly dropping to a masculine tone: Why the hell not!
Heero blinking at him: Because it says so in the script and all the other Robin Hoods do it.
Duo: But you’re HEERO Hood, not Robin.
Heero: In a Robin Hood parody. Therefore I must go through with the contest.
Duo: Oh, for Pete’s sake. You can’t be serious! ::Heero nods:: Well if you’re going to get your fool head shot at, I might as well be there to watch it happen! ::storms off towards his horse:: SALLY, we’re leaving!
Sally: Um..oh..all right. ::they mount and take off back to the castle with Duo spending most of the trip muttering “baka”, bastard, and dimwit.:: Duo, watch your voice. You’re sounding too masculine again.
Duo: I can’t help it. I’m just so pissed.
Sally: I understand, but since we’re almost to the castle you need to stop or else you’ll be discovered. And then what will your chances of having a happy marriage be?
Duo: Nowhere, but I can run off to join a traveling circus!
Trowa from off stage: That’s my thing!
Duo: Sorry!
Narrator: And thus Maid Marion and Sally returned to the castle to wait and pray that Heero Hood would change his mind about the archery contest. But alas, it was to no avail because Heero is the Robin Hood figure of this tale and therefore is destined to compete. Instead of waiting for her beloved to fall victim to Assassin Dorothy’s arrow, Maid Marion hatched a plan. She rode back to Sherwood forest with Sally.
Zechs: Why hello Maid Marion, Heero isn’t here.
Duo in a high pitched voice: I’m not looking for Heero. I want to talk to his merry people.
Zechs: Us, why? ::waves for Dr. J, Relena, Wufei, Hilde and Trowa to come over::
Duo: Listen, all of you. Heero is in danger. The archery contest is a trap and since Heero refuses to back out, I come to you for help. I can’t do this by myself.
Hilde: How do you want us to help?
Trowa: Heero won’t quit the contest.
Duo: Which is why we must take out the assassin first. I can let you all into the castle and you can split up and search it. While you do that, I as Prince John the Treize’s guest, must watch from the Royal box seats. They’re right on the fifty-yard line. Prime seats. ::everyone nods wishing they could get such good seats.:: Of course, this means I can’t do jack to help you, except keep an eye on Heero.
Wufei: Hmm..sounds like a good plan. What do you all think?
Dr. J: Anything to keep Heero alive.
Relena: Even if he’s being stubborn.
Duo: I was just thinking the same thing.
Trowa: What time will you meet us?
Duo: The contest starts at noon, so about ten. That’ll give you a good two hours to find the assassin and dump their unconscious body into the moat. They’re probably in one of the towers, would be my guess.
Zechs: Ok. Tomorrow then.
Narrator: With the plans in place the archery contest will be an event to remember. But who will win? The Sheriff and Prince John the Treize or Heero Hood and his band of Merry People? Tune in next time for the resolution in Act IV of Heero Hood: Men in Spandex.
End Part 3
Tigress Pern
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