31-Jan-2002
Title: Heero Hood: Men in Spandex
Author: Tigress Pern
Type: Parody of a Parody
Archived: Gundam Wing Addiction
Warnings: silliness, self-insertion, OOC, 1+2, Prof. G hitting on Quatre, 3+4 hints,
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or Robin Hood Men in Tights, they belong to someone who certainly isn't me.
Notes: Well, I here it is Act II of this insanity. Hey, but it's fun, right? Well, at least it's been fun for me to write. I've always liked Robin Hood.
Pern: okay, now is everyone ready for act II?
Prof. G.: Yes, and might I add that I'm thankful that you are finally allowing us scientists some role in your productions.
Quatre: But why did it have to be that part! Pern, why can't it be Trowa???
Pern: Because.
Quatre: Why?
Pern: I'm evil and I do what I want. Now do you really want to upset me? ::an evil light appears in her eyes::
Quatre squeaking: no.
Pern: Then on with the show!
Narrator: As our hero prepares for his reconnaissance mission, the Sheriff of Rottingham discusses the day's events with Prince John the Treize.
Quatre: The day started out fine. We threw five jaywalkers in prison, burnt down one hovel and increased the taxes by eighty percent. Then at 9:01, we got a call from the village library saying that they had over due books. We caught two of the offendies, but the third eluded us for several hours until one of my teams found him on the road outside of Sherwood forest. He escaped with help of a young man with dark disheveled hair and blue eyes. At which point the team returned to base and informed me of the predicament. We then set out with a larger force to subdue these violators of justice only to have our saddles shot out from under us when we encountered them on the old Loxley property. They caught us off guard, and for a such a small number are highly skilled, but we shant let that detour us from our primary objective of keeping order around here.
Prince John the Treize: Let me get this straight, you were defeated by two people.
Quatre: Yes. Well, there was the old blind guy.
Treize: Defeated by two people and a blind man. ::arches one eyebrow:: Why do I have a sinking feeling about this?
Quatre: Don't worry, we'll get those lawbreakers sir.
Treize: One had disheaveled hair and blue eyes... sounds like Heero of Loxley, Odin of Loxley's son. But last I heard he was in Jeruselum with my brother. ::eyes suddenly widen:: If he's back then my brother can't be far behind. Oh great.
Quatre: It might be that he's home on a holiday?
Treize: Let's hope so. But to be sure, I must see my soothsayer, G.
Quatre suddenly looking panicked: G... I think I'll let you go yourself sir. Soothsaying isn't my thing and I well, have hings to do, warrents to sign, litter bugs to catch... Bye! ::leaves hastily. Treize shrugs and heads off to G's chambers in the highest tower of the castle. He knocks twice and then upon hearing an evil cackle, enters::
Prof. G: Ah! My prince, what can I do for you? ::Treize tries not to cringe at the uglyness of his mystical conjurer::
Treize: Could you put a bag over your head?
Prof. G: What?
Treize: *cough* I said could you help me with my head? I have a headache and it is caused by one Heero of Loxley.
Prof. G winding his way towards his crystal ball: Heero of Loxley you say. Let me see what sort of person this Heero is. Hmmmm... ::looks into crystal ball which has purple mist swirling around in it:: Heero of Loxley is brave, strong, and a champion of the people. He'll cause you much worse than a headache.
Treize: Then what can I do?
Prof. G: I could mix up a potion that would make him as weak as a kitten or turn him into a newt. The latter is rather boring and has been over done. Although, I've been wanting to turn someone into a gerbil. It takes more finesse to do small rodents you know.
Treize: That would be wonderful!
Prof. G: On one condition.
Treize: And that is...?
Prof. G: Put in a good word for me with the Sheriff. He's just so yummy. ::Treize's eyes widen as he is suddenly very squicked at the mental imagery that particular comment brought forth::
Treize: Um... I don't know if he's really your type...
Prof. G: I'm well versed in many things... far more experienced than most and...
Treize: STOP! Look, I'll see what I can do. Maybe if we got him drunk... ::glances at G:: REALLY drunk and maybe slip some LSD in too... ::G makes waggles his tongue excitedly making Treize want to vomit. Quickly he leaves the room before he's squicked out any further and silently feels VERY sorry for Quatre.:: I need to concentrate on tonight. Everything must go smoothly at the party. No mishaps... I hope.
Narrator: While the Prince oversees the preparations for the party, elsewhere in the castle people go about their daily lives. Our attention turns to one of the guest rooms in the castle. For lo, it is the bathing chamber of Maid Marion, King Richard's ward.
Marion singing from a large bubble bath in a lovely soprano voice while combing long locks:
'Oh where is my prince?
My true love.
When will I hear his voice call
Marion... Marion?
I have waited so long,
Is that day near?
When will I hear his voice call
Marion... Marion?
Come to me my love.
Hurry to me.
Soon I will hear your voice call
Marion... Marion.'
::suddenly the door opens and Sally Po marches in::
Sally: My lady. Haven't you been in that bath long enough? You'll catch a cold not to mention rust. ::Marion stands. Long tresses covering everything from the head down to the waist. Sally hurries over with a towel to make sure the chastity belt Marion is wearing, is dried before any permanent damage is done:: And is it all right if I turn off that CD?
Marion in a definitely NOT soprano voice: Sure. ::glares at Sally:: And if the damn chastity belt rusts off... so be it. I'm tired of this whole, protect my honor stuff. Besides... I'm a guy.
Sally: Look, you're supposed to be a girl. Your parents really wanted a girl, they already had seven boys.
Marion/Duo: Yes, I know. So, being the youngest I get to pretend I'm a girl. You know, that's not going to help once King Richard marries me off. The guy will find out that he's been dooped and he'll dump me because he wanted a girl and not me. Besides... I'm the only one left in my family. My brothers and parents died in the plague, why shouldn't I inform the world I'm really male?
Sally glaring at him: Because I promised your mother on her deathbed that I'd make sure I found you a person who would love you for what you were as well as keep you safe. Plus if Prince John the Treize finds out, he'll send you off on a crusade.
Duo: Um... I don't really want to go. I've heard about them, lots of spears through people, nasty illnesses, and frankly, it's safer here.
Sally: That's what I thought you'd say. Now get into this lovely little gold number I picked out for tonight's party. And remember to talk softly and keep your voice high pitched, lest the prince suspect.
Duo in a higher version of his voice: Yes, Sally.
~later that night~
Treize: No sign of Loxley.
Quatre: No sir. I have guards posted at every watch tower.
Treize: Good. Because according to G, he's going to be the people's champion, which means he's against us. And to get the attention and respect of the people, he'll crash the party and make me look like a fool.
Quatre shuddering at the mention of G: We'll see that he doesn't. Ah... Maid Marion. Don't you look ravishing tonight? ::Duo and Sally enter the room and walk over to the long table.::
Duo in a high voice: Thank you. You are most kind. ::Duo and Sally sit on the right hand of the Prince and are served fruits from a platter::
Quatre being as smooth as possible: Would you like a date? ::he offers Duo a silver bowl of dates::
Duo: Why thank you.
Quatre: How about next Friday? Ha, ha. ::he smiles while Duo tries not to tell him what he really thinks about the lame pick up line::
Sally: And where did you find that lovely gem?
Quatre: It's in the script. Otherwise I could come up with something better.
Sally: Do tell... ::rolls eyes except she notices that the director is about to kill her from her position off stage and quickly rethinks adding to the comment::
Treize leaning towards Duo: Marion, you should consider him. He's quite a gentleman and has a solid job, plus he likes you.
You can't go wrong choosing to marry him.
Duo: I still think I'm a little young...
Treize: Ah..still dreaming about a knight on a white horse coming to take you away?
Duo: I... um yes. I want to be swept away by romance. It's the latest rage. Do you believe in love at first sight? That's what I want or at least hope for... ::Duo lied. Anything to keep from marrying someone, especially the Sheriff. Suddenly sounds of fighting come from the hallway. A moment later Heero crashed through the doors to the dining hall. He bolts for the nearest window over looking the moat in hopes to jump down and swim away. First though, he must terminate as many witnesses to his break in as possible.::
Rashid: Halt in the name of the prince!
Quatre: That's him! That's Heero of Loxley! How did he get in!?
Treize: You said you had tight security!
Quatre: I thought I did! ::turning to Heero, Quatre draws his sword:: So we meet again. This time you will not be so lucky.
Heero staring at Quatre: Are you challenging me?
Quatre: To a duel. Yes, I am. ::Heero relieves the nearest guard of his sword and promptly throws him out the window in the process. One witness taken care of.::
Heero: Very well. ::they begin to duel, but Heero, having been a soldier in the service of King Richard and an ex-crusader, is a superior swordsman and soon wins the bout:: Excuse me. ::Heero makes for the window, but Rashid comes to his Sheriff's aid::
Rashid: I can't let you escape! You've hurt Quatre-sama! Prepare to die. ::Heero nimbly dodges and heads for the long tables:: Get back here!
~meanwhile, outside the castle~
Relena looking through binoculars: Well, he's in trouble.
Wufei: If it hadn't been for that one guard having to take a pee...
Zechs cheerfully: Who's up for a little party crashing?
Relena, Wufei and J: ME! ::they run off to the castle::
~back in the dining hall~
::Rashid and Heero are locked in combat. The taller, stronger man is winning, but Heero has survived worse and threatens to kill Rashid multiple times. Quatre instructs that the doors be locked and barred as to not let the villian escape. Just as things seem to be going the Sheriff's way...::
*BOOM-CRASH* ::The doors explodes because someone had explosives::
Zechs: Yo, Heero! We're here! ::five guards fall flat as Zechs takes them out with his quarter staff. Relena leaps into battle heading straight for Rashid and using her knives, removes his belt causing his pants to fall::
Relena: Back off oppresser of the people!
Wufei, with J clinging to him: That's right! Justice in the name of King Richard! Justice for the people! ::raises his sword and fights an onslaught of guards. The tide is turning in Heero and his friend's favor, as per regulation all the extra guards are bumbling idiots.::
Treize watching the battle: We're loosing. This is so not good for my reputation. I think it's time I made a hasty exit. Maid Marion?
Duo who is riveted to Heero's every move: What moves... ::suddenly realizes his voice dipped a bit too low, he quickly raises it again:: Um...yes my lord, perhaps... ::Suddenly a stray arrow from the newly arrived archers strikes the table forcing Duo to duck under it for cover. Just as he finds shelter, Heero rolls under the table. Their eyes meet.::
Heero: Excuse me.
Duo: Um... yes. ::why does his face suddenly feel hot?:: Come here often? ::shit, lame line::
Heero blinking: No.
Duo: I'm Maid Marion.
Heero: Heero of Loxley.
Duo: You have wonderful skill with a sword.
Heero: Hn... Thank you.
Duo leaning closer: I would like to see it in action, close up.
Heero noticing a stalking guard about to discover him and Duo: Pardon me. ::slams the hilt of the sword on the guys foot, then rushes him. Duo is left feeling flushed and suddenly very confused. Thankfully Sally chooses that moment to reappear and rescue Duo from under the table::
Sally: My lady, let's go. ::deflects and arrow with a platter:: It's getting rough in here.
Duo: In more ways than one. ::they exit swiftly. Wufei has noticed a giant chandelier above a large group of particularly inept guards and calmly sliced the rope that holds it in place, watching it fall on top of them.::
Wufei: This is getting boring.
Zechs: Then we should make our exit.
Heero: Hai. ::The five collegues head for the doors. Wufei pauses long enough to give the Prince and sheriff "the bird", and follows the rest out::
Treize after some time: Sheriff.
Quatre: Yes?
Treize: We're in trouble.
Quatre looking around at all his injured men: I think it's time we called in some back up.
Narrator: While the Sheriff and Prince John the Treize plotted, Heero and his band of merry people retreated to their hideout in Sherwood forest.
Relena: That went well all considering. But I fear Prince John the Treize will be hard to beat.
Zechs: My sister is right. Any time in the past when our resistance group has opposed him, he's raised the taxes and thrown the good people of this country into poverty. Which of course makes our membership go down. Who wants to be known as the guys whose exploits have inadvertently caused their poverty. *sigh* You can see the problem we're facing.
Relena: Counting you we only have five members right now. A bit small of a resistance.
Wufei: Hey, now. Five is a good number! There were five for Operation Meteor.
Dr. J: This is medieval England.
Wufei: It's a play.
Dr. J: Do you want to ruin it for the audience?
Wufei: No... FINE. Look, there has to be a lot of disgruntled people around here. They have to be tired of the Prince and Sheriff too. ::every one starts thinking::
Zechs: I know...
Relena: why don't we...
Wufei: talk to the...
Dr. J: POSTAL WORKERS!
Heero: HN!
Zechs: They're normally the most disgruntled people, especially during Christmas.
Wufei: And I can get ahold of all the students at the university. They're always up for a good protest or two. And if we can offer free booze too... ::big smile:: we'll get an army that Prince John the Treize and the Sheriff of Rottingham will be truly frightened of.
Relena: Let's go!
Narrator: So over the next few days the small underground resistance group put up flyers, talked to friends, spread rumors and generally got people interested in their little organization. They even had a dress code, which included the following; white shirts, green jerkins, white socks, your choice of boot color, nifty caps with feathers in the traditional Robin Hood style, and of course spandex bicycle shorts. Except for the women, it was optional.
Relena: That's right. I'll take leggings thank you.
Heero shrugging: What's wrong with spandex?
Relena: I don't like how they ride up.
Heero: Oh... ::tugs down his spandex automatically::
Narrator: With their rag tag team of postal workers, college students, politcal activists, survival enthusiasts and anyone else who just wanted to kick butt and be on the good guys side, Heero and his friends began setting up traps on the road through Sherwood forest. Anyone who came through was to be robbed blindly (only if J was along) unless they were significantly poor enough.
Wufei reading off the hand held radar: Hey, there's someone coming.
Heero: Places. ::all the merry people hide. Just a few minutes later a wagon appears::
Sister Hilde Tuck looking at her map: Great, I'm lost. Bloody good this map is doing. Wait, this says Paris... No wonder I can't find anything, I grabbed the wrong map! ::leaning forward to talk to the horse:: Well Scythe, it looks like we'll have to find the nearest village and get directions to the castle. ::Suddenly the brush around them erupts as Heero and his merry people leap out and surround them.::
Zechs: HALT!
Sister Hilde Tuck: GREAT! A warm body! Do you know the way to the castle at Rottingham?
Heero: Yes.
Hilde: I'm supposed to be there to deliver this ceremonial wine. ::gestures to the barrels behind her in the wagon::
Heero: It's that way. ::points over his shoulder and down the road::
Relena: But you can't go. You see he's Heero Hood the famous outlaw and this is Sherwood forest. Therefore, you must hand over any gold, precious jewels, silver, antiques, etc, etc, to us. Sorry, but we can't support a resistance on tree bark alone.
Hilde: I see your point. Well, since I don't have any gold, how about you let me pass?
Heero: What about the wine?
Hilde: It's ceremonial... ::pauses:: How about if I join your group? I haven't liked many of the Prince's policies of late... ::evil smile crosses her face:: and it would peeve the Sheriff if he had no wine for his wedding.
Zechs: What wedding?
Hilde: Oh, he hasn't gotten married yet. He's still trying for Maid Marion's hand, but she keeps refusing him. Smart gal.
Relena: I'll say.
Hilde: Although, she is the oddest girl...
Wufei: What do you mean by that?
Hilde shrugging: I'm not sure. She's just different. Likes swords and guy stuff. I guess that comes from having seven brothers. I've known her for a while, we used to go to the same church before her parents died. Anyway, so what do you say Heero Hood, can I join?
Heero pondering: Different... Um... yeah... sure.
Dr. J leaning over to Wufei: That's unusual, he didn't say "hn". ::Wufei nods::
Wufei: You don't suppose it is because of Maid Marion?
Dr. J: Possibly. ::Hilde turns her wagon to follow Heero to the hideout. The others fall into line behind her chanting "toga, toga" A little wine, a few bed sheets and they're ready to reenact Animal House::
~meanwhile~
::Duo is pacing his room, trying to make sense of his feelings::
Duo: It's only been two weeks since I saw him, but he still haunts my dreams. What is wrong with me?
Sally entering the room: Marion! ::she hastily shuts the door:: Duo... you're not dressed... um your chest is showing. ::Realizing that he hadn't finished tying the laces on his dress, Duo quickly begins:: If someone had walked in and found you... ah... lacking up top, they would be tremendously suspicious and then where would we be?
Duo: I could be a guy for a change and wear pants.
Sally: Not while I'm around buster. Look, somewhere out there is a person for you. I just know it. Now finish dressing, we're having dinner with the Sheriff of Rottingham tonight.
Duo rolling his eyes: Not again. Look, he's not my type.
Sally: And who is your type?
Duo dreamily: Heero of Loxley. ::suddenly he covers his mouth realizing what he's said::
Sally: That rogue? ::Duo nods stiffly:: It's always the bad boys. Although, I admit he has a nice ass.
Duo: SALLY!
Sally: Hey, I can admire too. ::grin:: Come on, it's time for dinner. ::they head downstairs to join Quatre and Treize at the long tables, which have been mended or replaced since the battle::
Treize: Ah, Marion. It was good of you to join us.
Duo in a high voice: My pleasure.
Quatre, licking his lips: You look as scrumptious as a creampuff. I just want to eat you up. ::Duo chooses to ignore him::
Prof. G appearing beside Duo: Some people have all the luck. ::Duo jumps as the ugly old man slithers over to Treize::
Prof. G: Forgive me sir, but I have some news about Heero of Loxley.
Treize: Do tell.
Prof. G: According to my crystal ball, his power is growing.
Quatre moving as far away from G as possible: That we knew!
Prof. G: But did you know that he ran off with all the wine that was for your wedding?
Quatre: That bastard!
Duo: What wedding?
Prof. G: Always the bridesmaid... *sigh*
Quatre ignoring G: This is inexcusable. I think it's high time we called in that favor.
Treize: Indeed. Excuse us ladies, but I need to go talk to an old friend. ::he and Quatre leave hastily::
Duo: What WEDDING!
Prof. G: If you don't want him, can I have him?
Duo: If I don't WHAT!!! ::Sally grabs her frying pan and swings it menacingly at G::
Sally: There will be no wedding without my lady's agreement.
Prof. G clapping his hands together: Then I still have time! ::runs off to his part of the castle::
Duo looking very flustered: Are you sure I can't run away and join the foreign legion?
Sally: Positive.
Duo: DAMN.
Narrator: Damn is right, if I had to deal with G, I would want to... ::deadly glare from Pern off stage:: *cough* So what will happen next? Will Heero Hood be able to save the people of England? What is this favor Prince John the Treize and Quatre, Sheriff of Rottingham keep speaking of? Will Duo ever be able to let the world know he's a boy? Stay tuned for Act III of Heero Hood: Men in Spandex!
End Part 2
Tigress Pern
Please send comments to: tigresspern@yahoo.com