28-Jan-2002
Title: Heero Hood: Men in Spandex
Author: Tigress Pern
Type: Parody of a Parody
Archived: Gundam Wing Addiction
Warnings: silliness, self-insertion, OOC, 1+2, Prof. G hitting on Quatre, 3+4 hints,
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or Robin Hood Men in Tights, they belong to someone who certainly isn't me.
Notes: It's been a while since I put out anything, but since I've finally gotten myself into a somewhat decent writing mood. Here is the first of the planned four acts. I blame Mel Brooks for this.
Duo: Hey did you guys get the email?
Relena: Yes. Tigress Pern wants us to do another play.
Zechs: She promised me a bigger part this time. I get to be one of the crucial characters.
Duo arching an eyebrow: Really? What exactly did she promise you?
Zechs shaking his head: Nope, can't say. You'll see.
Duo to Relena: I don't like the happy glint in his eyes. I'm scared.
Relena: At least you don't have to live with him.
::Pern enters followed by the rest of the Gundam Wing cast::
Pern: I hope everyone is ready for another play. I have the scripts right here. ::waves stack of papers:: Shall we begin?
::hands out scripts::
Quatre: I'm what?! Oh no. Forget it!
Wufei: Meilan's here! What, how...Pern!
Pern: That's my little secret.
Trowa: She borrowed a time machine.
Heero: A telephone booth from two guitar playing surfer boys.
Treize: Can we just start the play?
Pern: Okay, places everyone. Now I want this production to go smoothly. Wufei, quit arguing with Meilan. Yes Duo, your hair needs to be down. Quatre quit whining about your part, yes you have to play opposite of Professor G. And Treize quit snickering! All right. Let's get this started. Narrator!
Narrator: A long time ago in Jerusalem there was a bunch of crusaders. One of these crusaders went by the name of Loxley. Heero of Loxley. Now Heero was the only son of a nobleman and he had decided that it was his duty to follow King Richard the Lion heart from England all the way to Jerusalem. Unfortunately he was captured by the Turks, who were in control of the area at the time. He was thrown into a dungeon and left to rot, with a whole bunch of other people. Hey, all they needed was a little whip cream and...
Heero glaring off-stage: Omae o korosu. (translation: I will kill you.)
Narrator: Don't make me...
Pern: A-HEM!
Narrator: Heero was not the only one in this particular area of the prison. There were several other people including one girl in particular. They were all chained to a bar at their feet imbedded in the stone floor.
Meilan: Hey, blue-eyes. Are you going to sit around and glare all day or do you want to escape?
Heero: Escape.
Meilan: Good. Because those bastards who put us in here are going to pay once I get my hands on them. Justice will be done!
Heero: Hn.
Meilan: Now if we only had some bolt cutters for these chains.
Heero: How about a key?
Meilan: A key would work too, why? Did you snare one off the guard? Oh, you're a cunning person. I am Chang Meilan. Well, that's my married name at least.
Heero in a dead tone: Fascinating. ::While Meilan has been talking Heero digs into his spandex and pulls out from Spandex-Space, a set of keys.:: One of these must work. ::begins trying them all.::
Master O: Hey, are you two escaping?
Meilan: Yes we are.
Master O: Could you mind freeing me and my buddies too? We've been here so long my hair has fallen out.
Meilan: You didn't have any hair to begin with.
Master O: I did too.
Meilan: Really? And when was that, last century?
::click::
Heero: We're free. ::pulls manacles and chains off:: Of course the last key is the one that works. ::starts freeing everyone else::
Meilan: YES! ::leaps to her feet just as a guard walks into the room. Surprised that all the prisoners have been freed. He reaches for his sword only to find Meilan standing in front of him with a maniacal grin on her face. The guard doesn't stand a chance, Meilan beats the living daylights out of him while ranting about justice will be done. The rest of the prisoners sneak out the back door, which Heero unlocks with one of his keys and escape.::
Master O: Meilan. We're leaving, we'll meet you at the coffee shop!
Meilan: Okay, okay. I'm coming. Sheesh. Just when I was going to give him another fist of justice. They never let me have any fun. ::storms off towards back door::
-Later at the shore of the Mediterranean Sea-
Meilan: So Heero of Loxley, now that we are free, what do you plan to do?
Heero: Return home.
Meilan walking along side him: To England? That's a very long distance. Are you going to swim there?
Heero: No. ::Points to a sign reading "English Cruises: special discount for all escaping crusaders from prisons. All you can eat seafood bar. Entertainment provided by Two Mix."::
Meilan: Well, I guess this is where we part. You are a strong man, a bit like my husband. He's an exchange student in London right now. God knows what he's studying. I never did understand his fascination with books. Anyway, thanks for the help with the escape and good luck to you in all your future endeavors, etc. etc. I must now go spread justice throughout the land. ::jumps on a horse as dramatic music starts. Drawing her sword as the horse rears, Meilan gives her war cry a la Xena and charges off into the sunset::
Heero: Scary female. ::reaches into his spandex and and pulls out his cruise ticket. Heading for the gangplank of the giant cruise liner, he notices that the ship's name is Titanic and suddenly checks to make sure he has an inflatable raft and at least a week's worth of rations with him before boarding.::
-3 weeks later-
Narrator: After several mishaps including his cruise ship being a wee bit off course, hitting an iceberg, flooding, sinking and then having to dump off some chick named Rose in New York, Heero of Loxley finally makes it home to England. I bet he was happy to have remembered his inflatable raft. Anyway, Heero heads off to his family's estate near Sherwood forest.
Heero riding on a rented horse: Hn... ::suddenly Heero notices a small group of men attacking a young man who looks strangely enough like Meilan. They are out in the middle of a field full of flowers. The young man is using the same techniques Meilan was using on the guard back in prison.:: Must be her husband. ::Heero approaches the men who suddenly see him and decide that the Chinese boy isn't as easy a target as Heero. Heero whips out a long bow and some arrows and starts shooting::
Wufei: Hey! Where do you think you're going?! ::pulls out a sword from his satchel laying on the ground and starts going after the fleeing men.:: Cowards! ::he comes to a sudden stop:: Well, if they're cowards, they're unworthy opponents. ::turns to Heero who is dismounting:: I'd say thank you, but I could have handled that myself.
Heero: It makes no difference. Is your name Chang?
Wufei: Yes, Chang Wufei. Why do you ask?
Heero: I met your wife, Meilan. ::Wufei pales:: We were imprisoned together.
Wufei: And she sent you looking for me? I haven't done anything, I swear! It's not like I've been making out with Prince John the Treize or anything.
::from off stage:: Meilan: You better not have been!
Wufei: She can be so neurotic and over protective.
Heero: I don't want to get in between you two ever, in an argument.
Wufei: That's probably wise. So who are you and where are you headed?
Heero: Heero of Loxley and home.
Wufei: Loxley, Loxley. I've heard that somewhere...:: digs through satchel and pulls out a newspaper:: Here it is. Is your father Odin of Loxley? Well it says here that he's dead and all his land is being repossessed due to the fact he hasn't paid his taxes because he's been dead.
Heero: What? ::leaps back on rented horse::
Wufei: Hey, Wait! Loxley land isn't that far from the Rottingham village library! I have books that need to be there A.S.A.P! ::Leaps up behind Heero and away they ride::
Heero: Library books?
Wufei: Yeah, they were due there at 9:00 AM this morning.
Heero: Who were those men attacking you?
Wufei muttering more to himself than Heero: I'm three hours late and they send guards after me. Geeze, talk about anal retentive librarians. ::Heero sweatdrops. They ride on until they come to a moderately sized castle. There is a giant "for sale sign" out front. An elderly man is sitting against the stone wall by the drawbridge despite the fact the castle doesn't have a moat. Heero stops the horse and dismounts::
Heero approaching the old man: Dr. J?
Dr. J: Heero? Master Heero is that you? ::Wufei comes up next to Heero as Dr. J struggles to his feet::
Heero: Yes. What happened?
Dr. J: Well your father died, then we couldn't pay the taxes because the lawyer and your father's steward ran off together and took all the money. Tsuborov and Septem deserved each other. And then the Sheriff of Rottingham came with the tax collector and they took anything that wasn't nailed down, including my glasses and now I'm as blind as a bat!
::hobbles over to Heero and Wufei:: But it's so good to have you back Master Heero. ::hugs Wufei musses up his hair instead:: AH! Master Heero, what has happened to you? You grew your hair out and you're wearing funny clothes. OOoooo, but they're silky.
Wufei: Who do you think you're touching!!
Dr. J: Did your voice suddenly change?
Heero: You're hugging my comrade Wufei. I'm over here.
Dr. J: Oh. ::coughs:: Well, I can't see and... well... Those were silky pajamas...
Wufei: They're not pajamas! They're traditional Chinese garb.
Dr. J ignoring the fuming Wufei: Master Heero. You're father gave this to me just before his death. ::pulls a locket from around his neck and hands it to Heero:: He said it was the key to the greatest treasure in all the land.
Heero eyeing it suspiciously: Really? ::shrugs and puts it around his neck, stuffing it under his shirt::
Wufei: Look, is this over with? I really need to get to the library.
Heero: Ninmu ryokai. ::some how the three manage to climb onto the rental horse, who isn't very happy with them and ride towards Rottingham village.::
Narrator: As the three ride on they suddenly hear... Kazoos??? Pern, is this right?
Pern: Yes.
Narrator: I'm not going to ask why. The kazoos hail the arrival of the Sheriff of Rottingham and his men.
Wufei glancing at his watch: Three hours and forty-five minutes late. What is up with these guys! I'll return the damn books. Just let me get there! ::Heero halts the horse just as the Sheriff comes upon them::
Abdul: Sheriff! These are the men we ran into earlier. The guy with black hair has over due library books.
Wufei: Only by three hours and forty-seven minutes! ::points to his watch:: The carriage from London broke down and I've had to walk from Sussex!
Abdul: You have a horse now.
Wufei: Only because I hitchhiked!
Quatre: Still, that doesn't excuse your tardiness on the return of the ::checks list in pocket:: two books on English history, one on the development of the long bow, one on plants native to England, and a book entitled "Love in the Lochs" a Scottish Romance.
Everyone: A Scottish Romance???
Wufei: It was for my roommate!
Quatre: And everyone thinks I'm girly.
Wufei: I said it was for my roommate!!
Quatre waving his hand: Whatever. You need to come with us. Over due library books are a serious crime in Rottingham, and I as the sheriff will not permit such an act to go unpunished. Guards! Take him prisoner! ::The guards move in to take Wufei prisoner, but instead they find Heero pointing a rather sharp arrow at them.::
Heero: Omea o korosu. (translation: I will kill you)
Abdul: WHAT? *twang* ::the arrow goes whizzing past Abdul's head::
Wufei: You missed.
Heero: No. ::Wufei looks past Abdul and notices another guard has fallen off his horse with Heero's arrow stuck in him.::
Wufei: Impressive.
Quatre: How dare you! Get them, get them all! ::the remaining guards attack, but Wufei leaps off the horse and draws his sword cutting the girths of all the horses' saddles at once. All the guards promptly slid sideways and end up on the ground. Heero draws his bow and fires two arrows at once. One slices the sword off of Quatre's side and the other slices the girth of his saddle. Like his men, Quatre too falls off his horse.::
Quatre from the ground: Well, this is damn uncomfortable and unfortunate.
Wufei: For you. Now beat it! I'll bring the books back in my own sweet time.
Quatre climbing to his feet and leaps back up on his horse bareback: But the fine you'll pay will be hefty. Mark my words. You'll pay, you'll all pay! ::Rides away while his men attempt to follow their fearless leaders example. But unfortunately, not everyone can be as an accomplished equestrian as the Sheriff. And most end up leading their mounts away.::
Dr. J: My that sounded like the Sheriff of Rottingham. He was such a pleasant child. I wonder what happened?
Wufei: Someone didn't want to be Sheriff, but a certain director made him.
Pern from off stage: You better not be referring to me Chang, or else. ::Holds up a picture of Shenlong and lights a match underneath it::
Wufei: Don't even.
Pern: Try me.
Narrator: Can we get on with it?! ::cough:: After the entanglement with the Sheriff of Rottingham and his men, Heero and the others came to the conclusion that it would be better if they didn't go into Rottingham today. At least until the Sheriff cooled down. So instead they went on a sight-seeing trip through Sherwood Forest.
Wufei: And to our right is another oak. Doesn't England have any other trees?
Heero: The larch.
Dr. J: And we have fruit trees in the gardens. Odin and I used to make this great drink with fermented oranges, apples, and...
Heero: The larch.
Dr. J: ...we'd put it in this barrel outside for like a week. Then invite all those pretty maidens over...
Wufei: But the majority seems to be oak. What I wouldn't give to see a nice wild plum.
Heero: The larch.
Wufei: Hey a bridge. Something different to look at. ::they begin to cross the bridge::
Zechs: HALT! ::Zechs steps out in front of the rented horse. Planting his staff firmly beside him, he eyes Heero, Dr. J and Wufei:: If you wish to pass, then you must pay the toll.
Dr. J: You can't demand a toll. This is public property.
Zechs: That's right. And I'm a member of the public and I demand a toll to cross this bridge. Unless you want to fight? ::Wufei begins to get off the horse, but Heero holds up his hand. Instead the blue-eyed youth dismounts and marches towards Zechs::
Heero: I accept your challenge. ::Zechs nods, then whistles. A young lady with light brown almost blonde hair steps out from behind a grove of trees holding a second staff. She tosses the staff to Zechs' outstretched hand. Then takes a few steps back as Zechs hands the second staff to Heero. Immediately they begin the duel. Meanwhile, Wufei dismounts and takes a look at the stream/trickle of water over which the bridge spans.::
Relena: Not very wide, is it?
Wufei: No. ::grabs the horses reins and leads the animal across:: A bit pointless to fight then.
Relena: Yep. But my brother never was one to see the big picture. I'm Relena Scarlett. Well, Relena Scarlett O'Hara, but that was changed when I was adopted.
Wufei: And he is? ::nodding towards Zechs who is still fighting with Heero and totally oblivious to the fact that everyone has already crossed the stream.::
Relena: My brother. I call him Little Zechs. It annoys him. ::an evil grin spreads across her face:: And it serves him right for making fun of Odin of Loxley.
Dr. J: You know Odin of Loxley?
Relena: No, but he was always really nice to the village children at Christmas. And saying mean things about the dead isn't very nice either.
Dr. J: I see. *splash* Oops. Sounds like the fight is over. ::Heero comes tromping over with a wet Zechs scrabbling behind::
Heero: Kanryou ryokai (for those of you who don't speak Perfect soldier it means: Mission completed)
Zechs: I have never met a foe like you. I am Zechs.
Relena: LITTLE Zechs.
Zechs glaring at her: And this is my sister Relena.
Heero: Heero of Loxley.
Relena: You're Odin of Loxley's son! Wow! ::promptly smacks him upside the head:: Where the hell have you been? You father was the only one standing up to Prince John the Treize and the Sheriff of Rottingham's evil schemes!
Dr. J: Oh, yeah. I knew I forgot to tell you something. Your father also wanted you to take over as leader of the underground resistance movement. I must be going senile.
Wufei: If you ask me, he went senile a long time ago.
Heero: Then I must do as my father wished. I will become the new leader of the underground resistance.
Relena: Oh good! We're part of it. Little Zechs is currently in charge of new membership. You can sign right up. Now if you'll just follow us to the secret base.
-a little while later-
Wufei: When you said underground resistance, I didn't think you meant UNDERGROUND resistance. This is quite literally a hole in the ground.
Relena: And a natural cavern. You should see the tunnels. One leads right up to the Rottingham Castle. I heard Prince John the Treize is going to be there tonight for a feast the Sheriff is holding in his honor.
Zechs: It sounds like the perfect time to strike.
Heero: No. I will go in alone, assess the situation and return. This should be a surveillance mission only.
Zechs: In other words you want us to wait here and bail you out when you get in trouble.
Heero: Hn.
Zechs: I guess I'll go sharpen those swords. Want to help, Wufei? ::Wufei nods and they leave for another section of the cave.::
Relena: Good luck Heero. Unlike them, I have complete faith that you'll be fine.
Heero: Thank you. *pause* Which tunnel to the castle?
Relena: Third one on your left. Leads you all the way there. ::Heero heads off::
Narrator: So Heero is off the Prince's big party while everyone else waits. What does he plan to do at the party? Is the party all as it would seem and who got the juicy role of Maid Marion, Heero Hood's lady love? Tune in next time to find out!
End Part 1
Tigress Pern
Please send comments to: tigresspern@yahoo.com