8-Feb-2002
And here it is at last. The final part of Heero Hood! I hope everyone has enjoyed themselves. Now we must all thank Mel Brooks for his wonderful movie that inspired this hilarity. THANKS MEL! ^_^
Title: Heero Hood: Men in Spandex
Author: Tigress Pern
Type: Parody of a Parody
Archived: Gundam Wing Addiction
Warnings: silliness, self-insertion, OOC, 1+2, Prof. G hitting on Quatre, 3+4 hints,
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or Robin Hood Men in Tights, they belong to someone who certainly isn't me.
Pern: All right! We’re in the home stretch. Get ready for the archery contest and the grand finale!
Duo: Does this mean I can soon get out of this blasted skirt?
Wufei: Can I wear actual normal pants?
Zechs: Me too!
Heero: Does everyone hate the spandex?
Pern: They just look better on you hon. No one else has your cute butt to go with them.
Heero: That does NOT make me feel better.
Relena: If it helps, I think you look sexy.
Duo: Me too!
Relena: Doesn’t he just look scrumptious?
Duo: Oh yes!
Pern shaking her head: Let’s just get on with it.
Narrator: The day of the archery tournament has arrived. The courtyard of Castle Rottingham is all a buzz with the sounds of excited spectators and contestants. True to her word, Maid Marion let the Merry People into the castle at ten. They quickly divided into teams figuring two could take on one person easier than trying it alone. Especially if the assassin was the infamous Dorothy Catalonia. Disguised as servants they were able to look about the castle without being hassled by any of the guards. Meanwhile as noon drew closer, Maid Marion and Sally found themselves seated at Prince John the Treize’s deluxe, royal seats on the fifty yard line. You know the kind, with the good view and the really comfy plush seating.
Treize: Well, today should be very exciting. What do you say Marion?
Duo: I believe you are right sire. I’m looking forward to it. ::secretly Duo pleads with whatever higher being will listen that the Merry People find Dorothy and do away with her quickly::
Quatre coming up in front of the royal seats: Your Majesty, we are ready to begin.
Treize: Good. ::coughs, then stands. Around him trumpets blare as the gathered crowd hushes:: Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming to the first annual Rottingham Archery Contest. I hope that what we start here will continue for years to come. This contest is open to all. No matter who you are, you may enter. The winner, the person who hits the closest to the bulls-eye from varying distances, will receive this sack of 600 gold pieces. (Memo: 600 gold was a lot of money back then.) ::the crowd starts applauding:: Thank you, thank you. Now, let the competition commence!
Narrator: And with those simple words, the archers take their mark and begin. Each archer is given three chances at the target before they are disqualified. As the hour ticks away, more and more contestants leave the field.
Duo to Sally: We’re down to six people. What could be taking the others so long? They should have found the assassin by now.
Sally: Patience. This is Dorothy Catalonia. She’s one of Lucretica Noin’s women, which means she’s one of the best around.
Duo: Still, I’m worried that something bad is going to happen.
Sally: Why?
Duo: Murphy’s Law.
Sally: Ah.
Quatre coming up beside the Prince: He must be one of the remaining contestants. Although his disguise is excellent. I can’t tell which one he is.
Treize: The old man on the left.
Quatre: Are you sure?
Treize: Positive. It’s always the old man in these Robin Hood tales.
Quatre: You have a point. ::watches the archers:: That Catherine girl is doing very well.
Treize: Yes, she is amazing, but so is the blond girl next to her.
Quatre: Yeah, she is amazing. ::gets a bit misty eyed:: I wonder if she’s married?
Treize: I thought you were after Marion.
Quatre: I am…but I in case that doesn’t work out, I want to have some options. ::Treize rolls his eyes::
~meanwhile~
Relena wandering through the castle heading for one of the many towers: Explain to me again how I wound up with you?
Dr. J: Because you won when drew straws. We had the shortest two.
Relena: He says I won…ha.
Dr. J holding on to Relena’s sleeve: Haven’t we been up this tower before?
Relena: No, that was the other tower.
Dr. J: They all look the same.
Relena: You can’t even see! What are you complaining about?
Dr. J: Damn, I want my glasses back! ::they halt outside a door that reads “Scroll Depository”::
Relena: Want to try in here?
Dr. J: Where? ::Relena rolls her eyes and opens the door. Inside are mountains of scrolls, parchments and handcopied manuscripts, plus one blonde girl with a crossbow::
Relena: I think we struck paydirt.
Dr. J: Where?
Relena: Shhh. Let me call for back up. ::pulls out a walkie-talkie.:: This is Scarlett calling Little. Come in Little.
Zechs’ voice: Little here.
Relena: We’ve found the target. Sixth tower, ninth floor, Scroll Depository. She’s armed with a Quiver Master 2000 crossbow and black tipped silencing arrows.
Zechs’ voice: Rodger that. Bravo and Alpha teams are on their way. Maintain position. Do not engage unless necessary. Repeat wait for back up.
Relena: Rodger. This is Scarlett, over and out. ::clicks off walkie-talkie:: This is the plan J. We stay here and wait for back up. Do you understand?
Dr. J: Perfectly.
Narrator: As Relena and Dr. J wait, the archer’s numbers dwindle to just three. Catherine, the blonde girls and the old man. The Sheriff and Prince know that the old man is Heero Hood, but they have to be patient and wait. The target is moved back another twenty paces and the archers take aim. Three arrows fly, but only two hit their mark.
Quatre: He missed.
Treize equally dumbfounded: He wasn’t supposed to miss until he was up against Catherine.
Quatre: I can’t believe the old man missed. ::On the field Catherine looks equally as perplexed. Even she knew which person was actually Heero Hood. The old man shrugs::
~up in the Scroll Depository~
Dorothy: He missed? That’s not right. Oh well, I still need to kill him.
Relena: Did you hear that? She’s going to kill him. ::turns on walkie-talkie:: Little, where are you?
Zechs’ voice: On the staircase.
Relena: Shit, I can’t wait for you, she’s raising her crossbow now.
Zechs’ voice: So soon! Damn! Stop her. Repeat. Stop her. ::Relena realizes that there is only one thing to do. She hucks the walkie-talkie at Dorothy’s head, then lunges. The machine glazes off the top of Dorothy’s head and as she turns to find out who threw it, is tackled by Relena. Suddenly finding himself without a guide, Dr. J stumbles forward and knocks over a large bookshelf. Seeing the impending doom, the wrestling women leap out of the way. They continue to struggle, with Dorothy getting the upper hand until Dr. J manages to knock over a second bookcase, which hits a third, which hits a fourth and so on around the entire room. Pelted by the falling books, Dorothy does the only thing she can think of and tries to escape. But Relena grabs her leg. Dorothy nearly goes down, but regains her balance and tries to kick Relena off of her. Suddenly Relena lets go of the leg and Dorothy goes flying forward crashing out the window and falling eight stories only to land on an awning over a window on the first floor. The noise diverts the crowd’s attention away from the defeated old man and on to Dorothy::
Treize: OH MY GOD.
Relena peeking out the window: Oops.
Dorothy raising a bruised arm: I’m okay. I’m okay. ::rolls off awning to land on the ground. She hits the ground and immediately her knees buckle. She fall forward.:: Maybe not.
Quatre: What the hell! You’re supposed to be killing Heero Hood! ::Points to the old man:: You’re laying down on the job.
Old Man: I’m not Heero Hood.
Quatre swiveling around: WHAT?
Old Man: I said, I’m not Heero Hood. My name is Otto and I’m not THAT old. ::Everyone stares blankly at him::
Treize: Then if you’re not Heero Hood….
Quatre: Then who is?
Catherine: That appears to be the question. ::Looks over at the blonde girl:: Have any ideas?
Duo: He must not have come after all. ::secretly is happy::
Treize: I suppose so. Well, we might as well finish. ::Waves to Catherine. She takes a shot and hits the bulls-eye. Then the blonde takes aim and splits Catherine’s arrow in half::
Catherine: What the?
Duo: WOW!
Treize: Impressive.
Quatre: Indeed. ::comes forward to escort the winner to the Prince. Looks into girl’s deep blue eyes. The girl glares at him. Suddenly Quatre knows where he’s seen that look: You’re not a girl, you’re HEERO HOOD! GUARDS!
Duo, Treize and Sally: HEERO HOOD.
Duo: You moron! ::Guards rush forward as the crowd starts booing and throwing vegetables at them. Secretly we’ve switched all the vegetables with new rubber vegetables. Let’s see if the crowd can tell the difference. * boing * I guess they can. The guards try to capture Heero, but he bolts for it. Unfortunately he runs into a rather large post that mysteriously appeared. In the distance Prof. G starts cackling madly. Finally he is captured and brought before the Prince.::
Quatre: At last we have you Heero Hood. Now, you will pay for your treacherous acts against the Prince.
Heero: No.
Quatre: Tough. You’re going to be hanged, right Your Majesty?
Treize: Yes. You will be hanged this afternoon. No need to ruin everyone’s lunch. Now..
Duo: WAIT! ::everyone turns to look at him:: Please wait. Spare this man’s life.
Quatre: Why should I?
Duo looking extremely uncomfortable: If you do, I will do the most despicable thing I can think of.
Treize: Oh my dear you really…
Quatre raising one eyebrow: And what would that be? ::Duo takes a deep breath and throws his shoulders back::
Duo: I shall marry you. ::gasp from audience::
Prof. G: NOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOO!!!
Quatre, eyes lighting up: You mean you’d be mine. ::Duo nods:: To do with as I like? ::Duo nods again:: And to have whenever I want, even sometimes after lunch? ::Duo nods again::
Treize: Well, it looks like we’re going to have a wedding. Or a hanging…either way it should be fun. ::Guards lead Heero off::
Heero glaring at Duo: You didn’t have to do that. ::Duo looks to be in tears::
Sally: This is not good. Not good at all. I think I need to find some Merry People.
~sometime later~
Narrator: And so at around dinner time that night, Maid Marion, dressed in a stunning silver and blue ensemble, is lead out into the courtyard by Prince John the Treize to be married to the Sheriff of Rottingham. As they approach the alter where the priest stands, Marion notices that a scaffolding stands nearby. On it is Heero Hood with a noose around his neck.
Quatre eyeing Duo as he takes his hand: A little precaution, in case you change your mind.
Duo gloomily: I won’t.
Father Alex: Dearly beloved we are gathered here today…
Quatre: Can’t you hurry this up? ::Alex shrugs::
Alex: To join this man and woman in holy matrimony. Do you Sheriff take this woman…
Quatre: Yes.
Alex: Do you Marion take this man? ::As Alex is talking, Wufei sneaks in followed by all the rest of the Merry People and shoots an arrow straight through Heero’s noose, freeing him.::
Duo: I do……..:notices Heero is free:: NOT! HA! Take that!
Quatre noticing Heero is free: DAMN. GUARDS! ::guards pour in from everywhere, the Merry People quickly engage them and a huge fight ensues in which much mayhem and destruction occur. During the madness, Quatre grabs Duo, throws him over his shoulder and makes for the nearest exit::
Sally: Heero! The Sheriff is making off with Maid Marion!
Trowa: That two timing….
Heero: I better rescue her…..::goes charging off with Trowa stalking off the battlefield much put out with the Sheriff for running off with another. Someone apparently forgot this is a play…::
Quatre throwing open door to his room: Here we are. ::Tosses Duo onto bed then jumps on top:: shall we begin?
Duo: Umm…I have something to tell you…. * clang * ::Quatre winces:: I have a chastity belt.
Quatre: So I noticed. ::rubs sensitive area:: Damn…do you have the key? ::Duo gives him a glare:: I’ll take that as a no. Wait, I think I have bolt cutters laying around somewhere. ::slides off bed and goes rummaging through closet.::
Heero suddenly entering room: Sheriff, omea o korosu.
Duo: Heero! Thank GOD!
Quatre: Look, I’m busy…can we take a raincheck? ::Heero lunges forward, sword in hand. Quatre draws his own sword (no, not that one..perverts) and they begin to duel.:: I take that as a no?
Heero: I’m sworn to save all damsels in distress. It’s in the Hero’s Code Book.
Duo: Heero’s Code Book? You have your OWN code book? ::glare from Heero::
Quatre: Marion is mine, I married her! ::Thrust, parry, thrust, parry, parry::
Heero: She didn’t say “yes”. ::Parry, thrust, parry, thrust, thrust::
Quatre: A slight oversight! ::swords lock, they glare at each other. Quatre’s sword tip hooks around the leather strap that it attached to the locket that Heero’s father left him that was briefly mentioned in Act I. They wrestle and the sword cuts the leather strap, the locket goes flying, hits the wall, shatters into a million sparklies, and a key appears. The key sails through the air and lands in the lock of Duo’s chastity belt.::
Duo: The key! Oh my god, you have the key that unlocks this nightmare! ::makes happy face:: Do you know what this means? It means you’re my true love Heero because it’s just the right size!
Quatre: Size doesn’t matter! ::Duo glares at him:: Okay…well maybe it does. ::pause:: A lot more than we want to admit. But you’re still mine Marion! ::lunges forward only to be impaled on Heero’s sword::
Heero wide-eyed: Um..I don’t think that was in the script. Oops.
Quatre staring down at sword: Oops. Oops is all you can say! I’m going to die! ::staggers backwards. Suddenly Prof. G appears in the doorway::
Prof G.: Oh! My poor Sheriff! You’ve been run through! Here, let me help you.
Quatre: Stay back! * cough *
Prof G: But I can help!
Duo: Then do it! He’s dying!
Prof G: I’ll do it on one condition, the Sheriff must spend the rest of his life with me. ::Everyone looks worried::
Quatre: I have no choice. ::looks at G and shudders:: I’m sorry Trowa, but I have to do this. Yes, G……… ::G claps hands together::
Prof G: Oh goody. Here’s a lifesaver. ::makes Quatre eat lifesaver, pulls sword out and magically heals Q.:: How do you feel?
Quatre: Good, but somehow incredibly depressed. ::Suddenly G takes Quatre and starts dragging him out of the room. Quatre starts whining pitifully that EVERYONE feel really sorry for him:: I always wanted to marry a cop. ::continues dragging Quatre out of room and down the hall.::
Duo: I really feel sorry for him. ::Heero suddenly scoops Duo up and they head outside.:: Hey, what are you doing? You’re taking me downstairs, why? Oh, you want to do this right before you unlock the key to the greatest treasure in all the land. But before we’re married, there’s something I need to tell you. It’s really rather important.
Heero emerging back in the courtyard: I’m not marrying you.
Duo: WHAT!
Heero: You’re not my type. ::Duo looks dumbfounded. Just then the trumpets announce the return of King Richard::
King Pern: Greetings everyone, I have returned!
Treize: Wait, I thought Dermal was playing King Richard.
Pern: He refused to wear the tights.
Treize: Oh.
Pern: A-hem. I have returned from the Crusades to check on my brother. But I have find him raising taxes and having some of the strictest laws against overdue library books I’ve ever seen. And I find that the only man who has done anything useful while I’ve been gone is Heero of Loxley and his band of Merry People. God, are these cheesy lines or what? I can’t believe I wrote these. Anyway, I see Heero has rescued the lovely Maid Marion, my ward. You must be quite taken with her for I see there is a priest here. Which means I’ve arrived just in time for the wedding.
Heero: There isn’t going to be a wedding.
Everyone: WHAT!
Heero: She’s just not my type. I don’t like girls. Sorry Relena.
Relena: It’s not like I had a chance with Marion around. She’s a noblewoman.
Duo: Wait, you’re not marrying me because I’m a girl!
Heero: Hn.
Duo finally getting back to his normal voice: Ok. That does it! I want out of the dress! ::everyone stares::
Sally: Marion!
Duo: Look, my name is DUO. Not Marion. That’s what my parents wanted me to be known as because they wanted a little girl and not another boy and I’m sick of it! Look, he’s got the key to my freak’n chastity belt Sally. And he likes guys. It’s perfect!
Pern snickering: Oh I see…Well since we have a Queen for a King, why not a Man for a Maid?
Heero staring at Duo for the first time realizing that everything that made him look female was padding: You’re not a girl then?
Duo: No.
Pern: Then I see no reason why this marriage can’t happen. My dear little brother will be more than happy to pay for the catering. ::evil grin, Treize just shakes his head::
Heero: You’re really male.
Duo rolling his eyes: Yes. Look, if you’re not interested……
Heero: NO.. I mean yes! I’m interested. Um can we find you some spandex? I think you’d look good in them.
Duo: No skirts, I’m not wearing anymore.
Heero: No, no skirts.
Narrator: And thus Heero Hood and Ma…Duo were married. King Pern returned to ruling England and tormenting her little brother Prince John the Treize whenever she could. Wufei became the new Sheriff of Rottingham with Zechs, and Relena as his deputies. Sally got a job at the town library since she no longer had to keep an eye on Duo. And the old Sheriff of Rottingham got his just deserts.
Quatre: Prof G, I’m not really you’re type. Besides Trowa will be…
Prof. G: Trowa will be…what? ::Quatre suddenly realized that Prof. G’s eyes are green and that he looks a bit taller than normal:: Do wicked things to you?
Quatre: Only if I let him….
Prof G: Oh, really?? :: Quatre reaches up and starts removing the rags G is wearing, only to discover as he suspects, that it isn’t really G, but Trowa in disguise! The two immediately start cuddling and Trowa takes Quatre off to some far room in the castle to have his merry way with him. And somewhere in the dungeon the real Prof. G is cursing his luck for getting between Trowa Barton and the man he loves.::
The End.
Tigress Pern
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