1998
Note: Lyrics to 'Take a Bow' were written by Babyface and Madonna. The song is copyright to whomever it legally belongs to. All Gundam Wing characters belong to Sunrise and Bandai, and whoever else holds the legal copyright. I'm just borrowing 'em for fun.
Green flames coloured the night sky, blossoming from one gigantic bud of brilliant fire. Fiery petals opened, overshadowing the tiny pinpricks of stars. Sparkling drops of molten rain cascaded against the dark backdrop, falling into nothingness, disappearing to sighs and whispered exclamations. More multi-coloured flames lit up the heavens, a joyous celebration of freedom. A visual display of peace.
The war was over.
"Duo! Lighten up!" Quatre slapped the braided boy on the back, making him jump, shocked into the present. "We're celebrating! Act like you're enjoying it, at least," the blond laughed, his blue eyes sparkling with the reflected light from the fireworks.
Duo grinned, putting his hands on his head in an effort to look happy and carefree. And from the looks on Trowa's and Quatre's faces, he didn't have to work hard at it. The two ex-Gundam pilots had eyes only for each other, whispering and laughing softly into each other's ears words only they were meant to hear. Duo shifted his glance from them, feeling guilty for intruding on their happiness. His gaze fell upon the ripples of the river, shimmering with faerie lights from the reflection of stars and fireworks. The river flowed before him, its soft waves lazily lapping at the sides of the embankment of the promenade. The water was dark, almost black. But whenever a fresh burst of light came from above, whenever revellers shone their vehicles' headlights on the water, the river reflected back a hint of its colour - a strange shade of blue made mysterious by the night. A dark, cobalt blue very like a familiar pair of eyes.
Duo sighed, a small, sad smile on his lips. The war was over. Shinigami was gone. And with it, went Duo Maxwell. There was nothing left to fight for, no more enemies to kill. No more fear, no more pain. No more heartache.
Bullshit!
Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Lights are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
[There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]
Duo stuck his hands into his pockets, turning away from the cool iron railings he'd been leaning against. From the corner of his eye, he could see that Quatre and Trowa were still preoccupied, too engrossed with each other to notice him walking away.
Around him, the crowd surged. Couples were everywhere, hugging, laughing, kissing. Parents, with their children in tow; children, without their parents, running free and laughing, no longer afraid that any moment a hail of bullets would cut them down and end their short lives. The whole street had been turned into a carnival. Somewhere, a band played, faint strains of music reaching his ears over the general hubbub of the crowd. All the street lights were alight, and then some. The trees lining the promenade and the street, few as they were, glittered with flickering lights like out-of-season Christmas trees. He walked on, feeling strangely out of place in his dark and sombre clothes. He did not fit in here, he thought. Happiness was everywhere. Joy lurked around every corner, springing into his path in all manner of shapes and sizes. He should be happy...
Shouldn't he?
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around [no one around]Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
[One lonely star you don't know who you are]
As he walked, he realised that another's footsteps echoed his. And even over the din, even though the footfalls were near- silent, he knew who it was.
"Heero?" Duo turned, stopping in his slow walk. Heero walked on until they were side by side. Duo looked into the other's cold eyes, seeing the usual grimness, the usual distance. He saw Heero as others would have, as Heero would want them to. And Duo's heart fell.
They walked together in silence, one with a melancholy smile on his lips and dark clothes to match; the other with features as impassive as a delicately carved stone statue and dressed in cool greys that somehow complemented the image.
"What will you do now, Duo?" Heero asked, suddenly. Duo eyed him, a little amused by the other's concern.
"I don't know. Not many openings for Death nowadays, ne?" he snorted. "But," he continued, "looking on the bright side, I guess I'll never be out of a job. Right, Heero?"
Heero smiled slightly. The end of the war did not just mean the end to killing and pain. It was the end of life as they knew it. For as long as he could remember, he had either been fighting or killing, or training to fight and kill. It was all he had ever done, all that he knew how to do. And he knew that this was also true for the others.
Well, perhaps not all of them. After all, Trowa could go back to Catherine and the circus. Or he could, and probably would, go back with Quatre. The blond Arabian would, of course, go back to managing his family estate. And Wufei? Wufei was a mystery, the loner among them. And probably the closest to Duo and himself in terms of destiny.
But whatever it was, he was sure that the five of them would part, each on his own course.
"... you, Heero?" Duo's voice shook him out of his thoughts. He looked into the braided pilot's smiling face, wondering where Duo got his eternal good cheer from.
"Oi, are you with me?" Duo waved a hand before Heero's eyes. "I said, what about you? What are you going to do?"
Heero scowled, drawing a low-throated chuckle from his friend. "I guess I'll think of something," he muttered.
"Well, there's always Relena."
Heero snapped his head up at Duo's remark, made to sound casual by his low voice but still dripping with cynicism all the same.
"Why do you say that?" he growled at Duo, barely concealed menace edging his words.
Duo suddenly stopped in his tracks, whirling around to face the short haired boy beside him. "Face it, Heero. She's the one for you. The one you want. Is it so hard to admit?"
"But... "
"No buts. You know, and I know. Whatever we had before... it was just a matter of convenience, ne? It just... happened."
Heero looked into the dark violet eyes before him, seeking the truth behind the words their owner had so callously uttered. He found none.
Duo sighed, lowering his gaze. He stared at his feet, unable to meet Heero's eyes and still say what he had to say with at least a semblance of confidence. "She's the best one for you, Heero. Not me... I... .we... Aaaargh!" Duo screamed in frustration, throwing his arms in the air and drawing more than a few curious glances their way. "What?" he snapped at the curious passers-by. "Never seen anyone scream before?"
Heero could barely suppress a smirk on seeing his friend's more familiar antics. But Duo's serious air returned when the boy turned back towards him.
"Heero... I.."
"Enough, Duo. I understand."
"You... you do?" Duo asked incredulously.
Heero shrugged his shoulders. In a way, what Duo had said was true. During the war, they had shared more than food and water; more than friends and shelter. They had shared beds and sometimes, he'd fancied that they'd shared more than friendship. But that was during the war. And now the war was over.
So, then, were they.
He turned toward Duo, noting the confusion in the other's eyes.
"I guess I'm glad you said it first," Heero muttered. "I wouldn't have known how to say it."
"You are? I mean, you are! Good! Good!" Duo stammered. He turned away from Heero. "I'm glad," he said, softly.
Heero cocked an eyebrow at the tone of Duo's reply.
"You don't sound it," he said.
"No," Duo said, his voice low, somewhat - disappointed? Heero strained to hear his words. "I thought that perhaps you'd... "
"HEERO!" A blond, long-haired bundle of energy threw herself into Heero's arms, interrupting whatever it was that Duo wanted to say.
"Ack! Relena!" Heero squirmed in the girl's tight embrace, uncomfortable with the public show of affection.
"Heero! I've been looking all over for you! I..Oh! Hi Duo!" Relena wriggled her fingers at Duo in a little wave. "You'll excuse us, right? Heero owes me a dance!"
"Umm..yeah. Sure! Go on! Have fun!" Duo smiled as he watched Relena drag a mildly-protesting Heero toward the pavilion where a small band played. Heero threw an exasperated glance back at him as he was pulled through the crowd. For such a small girl, Relena could be strong if she wanted to. Duo laughed as he waved at Heero, even as the boy disappeared among the dancers in the pavilion's small courtyard. His own laugh echoed hollowly in Duo's ears, even as Heero's words did.
'... .I'm glad you said it first... '
Somehow, what he'd really wanted to say never came out right. Whenever it came to Heero, his foot would always step on his tongue.
I've always been in love with you [always with you]
I guess you've always known it's true [you know it's true]
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye
Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
He barely registered what Relena was saying as they whirled to the music, his arms around her slender waist. She chattered happily - about today, tomorrow, and the future.
"We'll be so happy, Heero!" she laughed.
He nodded absently, his mind not where his body was. His eyes darted across the many faces around him, searching for the one face he had left so abruptly. The face that made him smile when he hurt. The face that belonged to the friend that could make him laugh when he wanted to cry. The one who made him live when he should have died.
And then he saw him.
Duo was still standing where Heero had left him, his body casting a soft shadow on the concrete. Duo smiled at him in the short distance that separated them, knowing that Heero had seen him. Heero saw the long-haired pilot shove his hands once more into his pockets and start to turn away. Then the tempo shifted and his gaze was pulled away by the rhythm of the music. And the next time he searched that spot where Duo had stood, the boy was no longer there.
Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you're breaking my heart [breaking my heart]
Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown
[Just make 'em smile the whole world loves a clown]
Duo clapped along with the rest of the crowd as the clowns bowed low, their garish wigs almost sweeping the sidewalk. They jumped and tumbled, somersaulting and juggling as they squirted water on each other and their audience. The women in the crowd squealed when the water from the clowns' water pistols wet their hair and their faces. The children laughed at the vaudeville quality of their skits.
Somehow, the clowns reminded Duo of himself. Behind each painted face was another. Behind each painted smile, each laugh, something else lurked. Something he could never put a finger on. Sometimes he would feel as happy as he'd let on but sometimes he'd feel like shit. But always, always the smile was there. Somehow, he'd always had this need to make other people laugh, make them feel happy. He had seen too much sadness to let it take those near him into its dark embrace. He had seen too many who were close to him suffer. Sometimes, he couldn't help but nourish the thought that perhaps, he was the one who caused the suffering, the sadness, the deaths. That last one, yes, he could be sure of. He'd caused many deaths. And just because the war was over didn't mean that living with the memories would be any easier. The others, he could only speculate. But in his heart of hearts, that nagging feeling stayed. It was all his fault.
Father Maxwell, Sister Helen. Even Solo.
All his fault.
Closeness was dangerous. It usually ended with someone getting hurt. Someone he'd cared for. It always did. He couldn't let it happen again.
Duo's vision blurred.
"Damn!" he exhaled softly. "Lousy dust," he thought as he rubbed at invisible specks of imaginary dirt.
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played [role that you played]
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star
[One lonely star and you don't know who you are]
The music died down to delighted claps. As the band stopped to rest, a soft breeze suddenly blew. At his feet, dried leaves swirled in a little eddies, littering the courtyard. Heero looked up, searching for the boy perpetually dressed in black. Duo was nowhere around, swallowed up by the ecstatic band of merry-makers that crowded the streets. Heero wanted to look for him but something made him stay. It was what Duo had said, if not the way he'd said it. Duo had wanted Heero to let him go. As a friend, Heero would respect his wishes. But, as more than a friend...
No, Duo had said that there was never anything between them, and inside, Heero had grudgingly accepted the fact. Duo had seen Heero's future with the blond girl in his arms and again, Heero admitted that his friend was probably right. Perhaps Relena was his salvation, not the boy in preacher clothes. Then why was it so hard for his mind to accept it? Why did it feel so wrong to embrace that fact, if it was the truth? Why?
Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
All the world is a stage [world is a stage]
And everyone has their part [has their part]
But how was I to know which way the story'd go
How was I to know you'd break
[You'd break, you'd break, you'd break]
You'd break my heart
"Heero? Are you alright?" Relena asked, concerned for the dark-haired boy who sat on the bench beside her. She had dreamt of this moment for so long that she sometimes felt like pinching herself to make sure that it was real. The war was over. Peace was finally here. And Heero was with her. She'd often despaired that there was someone else in his heart. Sometimes, world peace just didn't matter when she thought of someone else holding him, kissing him, loving him. But now, he was hers.
"Heero?" she whispered, turning her face towards his and kissing him gently on the lips. His lips were hard, tense. He was surprised at her brashness. She smiled and kissed him again, noting with satisfaction that the lips beneath hers had already begun to soften and respond.
I've always been in love with you
[I've always been in love with you]
Guess you've always known
Duo.
Relena's lips claimed his but only one word rang in his mind. One word enmeshed with feelings that were alien to him, ones he'd never felt before. The pleasurable sensations radiating from his mouth intermingled with the dour sadness in his heart, a heaviness that no amount of kisses could alleviate. Unless they were from...
You took my love for granted, why oh why
Duo watched the clowns pack up and leave. He stood in the shadows, away from the dispersing crowd that had enjoyed the show. Far away, he could see the pavilion where the musicians had started to play again. Happy, jaunty notes started to fill the cool night air, adding to the atmosphere of revelry. Bathed in the soft glow of the pavilion's lighting he could see a golden-haired girl kissing a dark-haired boy.
He sniffed, this time not blaming any unfortunate mote of dust for the tears that had suddenly appeared. Tears of happiness. He was happy. Heero was happy, so he was happy. So they must be happy tears, right?
"Happy... .Always happy... "
The show is over, say good-bye
Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
Say good-bye
Shirin
Please send comments to: shirini@pc.jaring.my