1998
Author's Notes:
Lyrics to 'Break Me, Shake Me' by Savage Garden belong to the rightful copyright holder(s). Characters of Gundam Wing belong to Sunrise and Bandai, and whoever else holds legal right to them. I'm just 'borrowing' them, yes?
I never thought I'd change my opinion again
But you moved me in a way that I've never known.
[Heero]
She offers me everything I could ever dream of. A family, position, power, love. Everything I could ever hope for, Relena would be able to give me. And I would be happy, I have no doubt of it. I had no doubt of it.
But I would not gaze into violet eyes and drown in an innocently seductive smile. I would not wake up to feather-like caresses from strong slender fingers. I would not spend my days fending off soft-hearted attacks to my pride and I would not revel in the silently expressive apologies that follow.
Damn him! I have a choice between life and death. And my heart has once again chosen death.
But straight away you just moved into position again
You abused me in a way that I've never known.
But he has denied me. Us. He has made it clear that there would be no future, no happiness. Is he so sure? Is it my happiness he is referring to? Or his own? I can deal with life without happiness. It is what I am used to. It is only a minor feeling. But I would not be able to deal with a life without him. Even though I have no doubt that he would still be there for me as a friend. As a mere friend. That I cannot accept. I want more from him. How can he deny me this after all we have been through together? After all those quiet moments following the affirmation of our ...Can I, dare I call it love?
Why do you do this to me, Duo? Why?
So you're the kind who deals with the games in the mind
Well you confuse me in a way that I've never known
[Duo]
He's doing it again. Staring at me with those dark eyes of his; pools of blue that I would happily die in if I could. He's been doing that a lot, lately, and so far I've been doing a pretty good job of ignoring him. Even though it takes all that I have just not to hold him tight. I know what he's trying to do. At least, I'm pretty sure of it. He's trying to make me take back my words. He's trying to make me come back into his life. He's trying to make me feel guilty.
Well, he can try all he wants. I haven't been living in guilt for so long for nothing.
How can I when I can see how he looks at her? How can I sit there while he talks to her in tones that reflect his feelings so transparently? How can I call myself his friend if I stand between two people that seem to need each other so much?
Yet he says that she isn't the one for him. Today. Tomorrow he'll just prove the opposite. Well, I can't take that. I've got enough on my mind as it is. Like what the hell am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I asking myself questions I can't answer? Why am I being so stupid?
It hurts to see him like this. I don't want to do it, but it's for his own good.
Isn't it?
I wish...I wish....
So break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
I wish he would just come up to me and say it. Say it in plain and simple words. Is that so hard? Maybe that's why it's somewhat easy for me to do this, to give him up. Because he never told me he wants me for more than warmth on a cold night, or to watch his back in a fight. Damn it, Heero! Why can't you say you love me? There...another stupid question with such an obvious answer. Because he doesn't, Duo baka! He loves her. All those times you two have been together, it's just sex, companionship. Nothing more. And after that, he's back with her and you?
Nothing. You have nothing to show for all your trouble.
Duo, Duo. You're a stupid, stupid fool... A fool in love, but still a fool.
She says 'I can help you, but what do you say?'
But it's not free baby, you'll have to pay
[Heero]
Finally!
Finally, he looks at me. He's been ignoring me for so long I'd almost given up staring holes in his back. But he just looks at me for a moment. But it was enough. I saw the guilt there. I know he feels. For all his silence, I know that this is affecting him as much as it is affecting me. He's just being damn stubborn about it. And damnit, I know what to do.
"Duo."
He looks up when I call his name, turning from the television screen, the stupid old movie he's watching. Why does he like all those ancient shows anyway?
"Uh.m? What?"
He is adorable when he does that, quizzing me with large, childish eyes. Innocent. Throughout the war, through the killing, he still has innocence in those eyes. Not like mine.
"Come here for a minute."
I pat the couch, indicating that he sit beside me. He hesitates, slightly tensing. But only for a moment. He pops another handful of popcorn into his mouth --- he's been munching non-stop throughout the whole movie --- before getting up from where he has been sitting, on the floor. Duo doesn't really like chairs when he has a choice. Or tables. To him, they're a necessary evil.
"What? What do you want, Heero?"
He leans back into the couch bonelessly, asking with such a resigned air. Why? Perhaps he feels that he's just humoring me.
"This," I say as I grab his face, and push him back further against the cushioning, ignoring his surprised gasp. And I claim his lips, long and hard.
You just keep me contemplating
That your soul is slowly fading
[Duo]
"Ummphh!"
Damn it Heero! What are you doing!?!
I struggle against him but it only makes him more insistent, pressing down on me harder.
Stop it, Heero. Please stop it. Don't make this harder for me than it is.
Finally he stops, gasping as he draws away from me. Why did he do that? Didn't I make myself absolutely clear that we've got to stop this? That there was nothing between us anymore? What the hell does he think he's doing, kissing me like that? Does he think I want him to kiss me? Well, I do... But not like that!
See Duo? That only confirms it, doesn't it? He doesn't really care what you think...or feel.
"What the hell was that for?"
He just smiles funny when I nearly spit out my question. Then he gets up from the couch and leaves the room. He just bloody leaves the damn room!
"Heero! Heero you..you..! Damn you ! You don't just leave the room, baka!"
That's it! I've had enough! If he can't listen to reason, than he'll listen to my fists. Nobody messes with Duo Maxwell's feelings and gets away with it. Especially not Mr. Hot Shot pilot Heero Yuy!
I get up in a huff, quickly going after him.
God, don't you know I live with a ton of regret?
'cause I used to move you in a way that you've never known
But then I accused you in a way that you've never known
Heero is on the phone when I get there, speaking softly into the receiver. But not softly enough. I can hear every word. And I can hear the voice on the other end of the line. It's her. It's Relena.
How could you, Heero?
It hurts knowing that the one thing I want is the one thing I can't have.
"...I'm sorry, Relena. I..I can't..."
What? What did he say?
I inch closer to him, curious, afraid almost. He senses me and turns to face me. I must have a really stupid look on my face because he's smiling at me, even as he is speaking to her in such a serious tone.
"There's someone else..."
My heart drops to my feet and disappears into the bowels of the earth.
"Heero! What do you..." I hissed, grabbing at his arm. He avoids my grasp and swats my hand away. What the hell does he think he's doing? He's going to regret this, he really is. Stupid, stupid Heero!
I can hear her voice sobbing. God! He's dumping her over the phone! He's got absolutely no class!
"Goodbye, Relena."
His words sound so final, as though he's convinced that there's no turning back. He puts the phone down and turns to me, silent but his eyes speaking volumes. Me? I can't say a word. I feel like I'm choking. I'm hoping...
But I don't dare to trust hope. It seldom keeps its promises. That's what hope is, isn't it? Just a glimpse of what may be, so that you have some will to keep moving, trying. Well, sometimes hope sucks! Because nothing hurts more than having your hopes dashed into a million tiny pieces.
But you hurt me in a way that I've never known
"Duo."
His voice is husky as he calls my name, hesitant but strong. I open my mouth to answer, but all that comes out is a small, dry croak. He smiles a little, amused. And he comes to me and takes me into his arms. I tense but I feel like melting. He feels so right...
[Heero]
I hold him tightly, inhaling the sweet scent of his hair, of him. It feels good to have him in my arms without her shadow hovering over me. I should have done this a long time ago, but... I won't think of it. It doesn't matter. He is all that matters. I whisper his name in his ear, hoping that I have made the word sound as pure and as reverent as it makes me feel. His arms are limp at first but slowly they come up behind me. Slowly, hesitantly he returns my embrace.
"Duo," I whisper again in his ear. "Duo, aishiteru."
[Duo]
I was wrong. There is something that hurts more than having your hopes dashed to bits. It's the pain of having the one you love saying he loves you back. And meaning it. But the pain is sweet, so very sweet.
And it's a pain I can wallow in forever.
Shirin
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