"It was Duo," Quatre said, pointing his wooden spoon o' justice at the braided pilot. His eyes narrowed, and he made as if to run for the door. Wufei and Trowa grabbed him on either side and held him down as he snarled angrily.
"I know for a fact that your theory doesn't match up. Wufei couldn't have killed Heero, because he was playing nurse with a certain female nurse." The Chinese pilot squawked in indignation, but was relieved at having been absolved of the blame.
"And Trowa and I both know where we were," he added slyly. Duo's eyes widened, and he held his hands in front of him.
"You've got it all wrong," Duo cried, backing away from Quatre. "I didn't kill Heero! I didn't! Heero!" Quatre continued to press forward, his eyes never leaving Duo's.
"You couldn't stand it, could you?"
Duo gasped. "Stand what?" he asked hesitantly.
"You thought Heero was going to leave you for Relena, and you couldn't handle that. So you killed him, put a bullet through his brain. A bullet from the very gun he slept with under his pillow in order to protect you." Trowa and Wufei watched in horror as Duo began to weep.
"No! You got it all wrong!" he sobbed, his knees giving out underneath him. "I--I--"
"Tell us," Quatre said in a deceptively soothing voice.
"He...he..." Duo suddenly looked up, his mouth twisted in an angry grimace. "HE USED ALL OF MY HERBAL ESSENCES SHAMPOO! DO YOU KNOW HOW FREAKIN' EXPENSIVE THAT SHIT IS??!"
There was a collective gasp. It was bad enough that Heero was going to leave him for a peace-loving bitch in heat that practically rolled over in submission every time she saw him (at least, in Duo's unbiased opinion), but his shampoo?! Duo sobbed, tears of heartache and...well, sorrow, for his beloved shampoo.
"It smelled like strawberries!" he moaned, his voice choked. Trowa and Wufei bowed their heads, observing a small impromptu memoriam for the loss of the liquid orgasm in a bottle.
Suddenly, the door burst off its hinges in a bright blast of blue lights and disco balls. "Ta da!" Dr. J and Howard stood in skin-tight full-body spandex jumpsuits, posing dramatically for their rapt audience of none.
"We're here to take you to the funny farm. No one in their right mind would kill another human being over shampoo," Howard began.
"It was strawberry," Duo sniffed pathetically, but no one heard him.
"Either way, you're coming with us." Dr. J leaned down and grabbed his legs as Howard held his arms.
"Bye Duo!" Trowa called after him. Quatre shot his lover a dirty look.
"What dark secrets lurk in the heart of man?" Wufei sighed, then went down to the basement where his secret sex slave Treize lay waiting for his belt...
Wufei did it Trowa did it Back to Whodunnit?
Ariana
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