December 30, 2000
A Heero songfic
Lyrics by Jon Bon Jovi
Interpretation by Truth
This seems to be turning into a rather bizarre post-EW songfic arc, beginning with "Dyin' Ain't Much of a Livin'", continuing with "Justice" and I am almost done with a third, entitled "Blaze of Glory." Hmmmmm. Maybe I should just stop listening to Bon Jovi.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and it's characters do not belong to me and neither does this song. Bon Jovi also does not belong to me.
Warnings: A bit dark, I think. Overly melodramatic. Lots of rambling. I'm overly prone to these things....
Notes: A stream of consciousness perspective (you all know how much I love those). Heero's thoughts on various topics pulled from several different conversations over a time span of several months. Lyrics denoted by symbol. I guess this ficlet thingy was prompted by the last few pictures of Heero from Endless Waltz.
Rating: None. And no pairings, either.
It was Relena's idea to send me to a 'therapist'. I wasn't very enthusiastic about the idea, as you can probably imagine. We all did things during the war that we don't want to dwell on, and talking about all of them to some professional head shrinker was not exactly high on my list of "Things I Want to Do".
However, I am forced to admit that she did have a point. Ever since Dekim Barton's defeat and the 'death' of Mariamaya, I have been drifting along without any real sense of purpose.
So here I am.
Hey Mister can you help me
I'm a loner on the run
Everyone needs a goal or a mission to drive them on. Or, if you listen to Quatre, call them forward.
Trowa has the circus. They count him as one of their own and accept him in a way that probably no one else ever could. Catherine gives him someone to look to for support. He has family.
Quatre has the Maguanacs and a colony to rebuild. People look to him for support and leadership and he blossoms with their trust.
Wufei has found purpose with the Preventers. He spends his days preserving the peace and bringing order into the chaos that is human existence. That suits Wufei to a T.
Relena has claimed a place on the stage that is world politics and fights in that arena to keep the peace which we bought for her. Mixed metaphors with a vengeance. Kind of ironic, that. It is a peace bought with the blood of entire armies. Somehow, I doubt that she would appreciate my bringing that to public attention... again.
I don't have a family, or people who count on me. I never really missed that sense of belonging until I saw how well Trowa fits in with his circus and how happy Quatre is. But I don't want to join the Preventers and politics make me physically sick. I'm not sure of what it is I want.
I'm just looking for tomorrow
And I ain't gonna hurt no one
I feel like a parasite, living off of the generosity of others. I have a paycheck, of sorts. The 'grateful' citizens of the Earth voted me a permanent stipend after the destruction of Dekim Barton. It's enough to live on, but I hate to use it. It feels like blood money.
But it's hard to find something to do. I spend my days wandering aimlessly and thinking. I'd like to have a job of some kind, but no one here on Earth wants me to do anything more taxing than celebrity endorsements. I have the same problem with being a celebrity that I do with being a politician. The very thought revolts me.
I've been offered a place with the Preventers several times. But while it's something I would be good at, I have had my fill of killing people. In the event of another war, I might be unable to simply stand by and allow others to fight for me. However, until such a situation actually arises, I have no desire to work in even a quasi-military setting.
I never want to kill again.
I jumped headfirst into a bottle
I was looking for a friend
I have tried various hobbies. I have explored all the major religions. I even began drinking, for a very short while. I can't seem to find anything that I enjoy for more than a brief period of time. I can't seem to find my future.
I've spent a lot of time wandering the Earth. I look around at the beauty of this treasure that so many have died to preserve and marvel. It makes me wonder why so few of the people who live here appreciate or even notice the beauty which they almost lost forever.
Can only those who have known the harsh coldness of space and the grim reality of death really appreciate natural beauty and peace?
That's a morbid thought.
I came up just short of nothing
I didn't find the truth I only found an end
It is doubly difficult in that I have no one to talk to, not that I'm the chatty type. But in order to exorcise certain personal demons it helps if there is someone else around who understands what you're going through.
I'm the only one still on Earth. The others find the ruined bases and destroyed cities to be too vivid reminders of that which we tried so hard to prevent. At least in space the debris can be collected and used again. Colonies 04 and 05 have already been salvaged and recycled, new colonies appearing in their place. I guess that makes it easier for Quatre, anyway. But he has the Maguanacs and a host of sisters to keep him busy.
Wufei doesn't comment on it either way. His entire extended family and everyone he knew perished with the destruction of L5. As far as I know, he hasn't even tried to see the new colony. More than his idealism died with Treize Kushrenada, I think.
I do talk to the others occasionally. I see Quatre whenever he's on-planet, and Trowa stops by at irregular intervals. The circus is spending a suspicious amount of time on its 'tour of the colonies', however and Quatre is usually too busy to do more than meet for lunch or dinner.
Duo left Earth almost instantly and has never been back. He calls me every so often, and we talk. For someone who can yammer on for hours about nothing in particular, he's a surprisingly good listener.
Wufei and I still have very little to say to one another. It's not that we can't communicate, we just do not choose to. Some things are still a little too fresh to be dwelt on. He also lives off-planet, choosing to keep to Preventer quarters on the Moon.
I've tried to talk to Relena, but she lives in a world so far removed from my own that I usually only succeed in frustrating us both. I think that I'm more alone now than before. Maybe that's because I never really realized what I was missing.
Then again, maybe I _do_ know what I'm looking for.
Duo appears to have achieved some sort of zen-like oneness with the moment. He always seems to be totally in tune with whatever he is doing at any given time. I envy that. I want that feeling for myself. Perhaps that's why I finally gave in to Relena and sought therapy, for all the good it's doing me.
I want to be like Duo, I guess, able to be content with whatever life brings me. I need to rediscover my ability to laugh and to dream. This desire is what brought me here. I am finally ready to examine just what it is that I am, and perhaps make peace with that person.
So tell me who's gonna save me
Or my father or my son
We brought peace to the human race at the cost of thousands of lives. A little less than a year later we were forced to begin again, resurrect the fragile tranquility of that one year over the bodies of hundreds more.
What price will we pay next time? I'm not sure I can face this again. Much as I try not to dwell on it, I dream of the end of this frail peace fairly often. It makes insomnia suddenly look very attractive. I can only pray that the peace will last for our lifetimes, and the lifetimes of our children. We have been at war for so long that I begin to wonder if we'll ever accept any other way.
People go on and on about how bloodshed is a part of human nature, but I don't believe it. I believe that those to whom warfare is essential are also those who make successful politicians.... And that is why there are so many wars.
When the only justice a man can see
Is the barrel...of a loaded gun
It always seems to be the rich and power-hungry who start the wars and the poor and desperate who are forced to fight them. It was a terrible mistake not to reveal the true motive behind Operation Meteor once the war ended. That cover-up simply led to another after the fiasco with Barton and his efforts to duplicate the original plan.
Perhaps if the true horror of what was intended had been shared with the general public, they would be more careful as to who they chose to represent them in the future.
I doubt it.
People only see what they want to. That's the crux of the matter. I have always been able to understand Wufei's preoccupation with justice and fairness, I just could never agree with his methods. Perhaps I am beginning to feel the very edge of the frustration which almost drove him completely over the edge.
Violence always seems to be the answer. Sometimes it appears to be the only answer. I can't accept that, and it is a quandary that will drive me straight over the edge in Wufei's wake, if I'm not careful.
I been broke and I've been hungry
I think they're both my middle name
Somehow, everything always takes me back to the others. Each time I follow a thought to find out what _I_ feel, I end up comparing my own reactions to theirs. I'm not sure what to make of that. I was raised and trained to be self-sufficient. I am accustomed to being alone. Perhaps I became used to having the others around. I know that I miss them.
But I don't never ever never seem to get enough
Still I guess I can't complain
I'm lucky, though. I have money, even if it feels a bit odd to use it. I'm not really tied to any one place. I have the ear of the most prominent politicians of the human race, not that this is a privilege that I make much use of. Not unless they're about to do something _truly_ stupid....
But people still try to take advantage of me, try to use me to influence Relena and her colleagues. No one has been foolish enough to try more than once.
'Cause what you get in life you take it
You've gotta hold on and make it last
They say good things come to those who wait
But it's life that goes so fast
Sometimes the days seem to drag on forever but twice now I've caught myself looking up to find that it was several weeks later than I'd thought. My life is speeding past me, yet I'm stuck in a mind-bogglingly boring place. It's tempting to simply fall back into my old ways, steal a vehicle and find somewhere to go. Slip through the computer networks to build myself a new life.
I've always thought I would make a better master criminal than the ones you find in popular fiction....
And when there's just one rule you live by
Each day you kiss the rising sun
I've tried to spend as much time as possible discovering the Earth. I always wanted to come here, even as a child. It was this glowing ball of greens and blues that hung in the sky and promised all sorts of marvelous things.
Even heroes can be selfish. I saved the Earth for myself, to be able to make all my dreams of walking across beaches and climbing mountains come true. I'm always awake for the sunrise, and every day is like some kind of miracle.
I never dared to hope that I would live through the war and be free to simply wander where I wanted, to see all the incredible things that only exist here on Earth. And now that I've seen these things and felt them, all that I'm left with is a feeling of emptiness.
When you live and die by the life we breathe
In the barrel of a loaded gun
Maybe I'll never really be able to let go of the pain and the violence. I didn't really think that I'd live through the war, so I never considered what I'd do with myself after it was over. I don't want to think of myself as an eternal soldier, someone who can only find meaning in death. I want to live.
But I don't know how.
Guns talk to me in my sleep at night
And a gun somewhere is burning
With my name
The nightmares only make things worse.
I see death and destruction every night. There is pain and hate. And there are the dead. There are always the dead. There is a list of names and faces that I will carry with me until the day that I die.
Treize Kushrenada wasn't exactly someone that I ever wished to emulate, but occasionally I find myself wondering just what it cost him to make peace with himself at the end. He carried his own list of names and faces, and it was much longer than mine.
Winners are losers
And losers will have to face
All those yesterdays
And all of the dreams they blew away
I suppose the core of the matter is guilt.
I killed a lot of people. Some in combat, some through sabotage and murder and some by accident. I can't help but wonder who those people might have turned out to be if fortune had kept them from crossing my path.
It's not a pleasant line of thought, admittedly.
But something Duo told me comes immediately to mind. "Everyone who died was a real person with real dreams and wishes. Someone has to remember them." Quatre agreed with him. Quatre also said, "There is no better memorial for someone who has died than to live."
That's a little zen for me, but I can follow it, I think. It's probably a sort of penance thing for them. But I'm not ready to accept that I should live my life for those who have died in a vain attempt at reparation. I'd rather live for people who are still alive. Prevention beats restitution any day.
So Mister can you help me
I fail to see what's so therapeutic about rambling on for two hours every week about my various recollections and feelings. All I usually come away from these sessions with is a monumental headache and the desire for a stiff drink.
I never did think that this was a good idea. Therapists by their nature merely nod and say "Hmmmm." and wait for you to figure out your problems by yourself.
If I could figure it out on my own, I wouldn't _be_ here.
Or are you my gun
Have the ghosts of justice
Brought you here to me to taste
The barrel of a loaded gun
The therapist put down his pencil and sighed. Heero sat quietly in the deep chair on the other side of the desk and stared levelly at him.
"Heero, you could write a book and still not get to the bottom of what's bothering you. However, I do have some advice for you."
Heero raised one eyebrow, but didn't say anything.
"You've been coming to see me twice a week for almost three months and I think that I have a fairly good idea of the underlying problem."
Heero raised the other eyebrow and waited silently for the doctor to continue.
"Your problem is that you are bored. You have lived a life crammed with danger, fear and excitement. I realize that you have no desire to go back to such a life, but you seem to have become accustomed to it."
Heero blinked. "...'accustomed to it'?"
His therapist nodded and stood up. "Staying in one place and searching around for a 'normal' life is not going to work for you. You need to get away from here. Go back to the colonies. You are still very young and there are whole worlds out there to explore. Try a little of everything. Find out who you are and what you want out of life _before_ looking for happiness in normalcy."
"I...see." Heero also rose to his feet, obviously thinking hard. "So there's nothing really wrong with me?"
"Other than a tendency to be gloomy due to having too much time on your hands? No. You're actually quite well-adjusted, surprisingly."
Heero's lips twitched. "'Surprisingly'?"
"You're not paying me to be tactful. My final advice? Find your comrades. Talk to them. Tell them some of the things which you have told me. I think you'll be surprised at how much you can help each other."
Heero made his way slowly to the door. As he opened it, he turned to look over his shoulder. "Any other words of wisdom?"
His therapist smiled. "Try not to dwell on the war. Good things can come out of the darkest and most violent of encounters."
Heero smiled wryly in return. "That's truer than you know. The first time I met Duo Maxwell, he shot me. Twice."
There's justice in the barrel
Of a loaded gun
I will leave the Earth. I will find a new purpose. Perhaps I will seek out Duo and see what he is doing with his time.
Maybe he can help me discover who I really am.
Perhaps he already knows.
The End
Truth
Please send comments to: dhaunea@yahoo.com
On to 'Blaze of Glory' Part One