December 6, 2000
Title: Dyin' Ain't Much of a Livin'
Lyrics by Jon Bon Jovi
Interpretation: Truth
Archive: A whole bunch of neat places but my complete fic collection can be found at GW Addiction www.geocities.com/fenris_wolf0/
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and it's characters do not belong to me and neither does this song. Bon Jovi also does not belong to me. Neither do any of the CLAMP characters that this song _also_ brought immediately to mind.
Warnings: A bit dark and angsty, I think. Overly melodramatic. Lots of rambling. I wrote this while under the influence of chocolate pocky and in desperate need of a nap.
Notes: A stream of thought perspective (you all know how much I love those) for Rhina-hime. Lyrics denoted by > symbol.
Rating: PG for rather disturbing angst and psychotic ravings.
A whisky bottle comforts me
And tells me not to cry
While a full moon says a prayer for me
I try to close my eyes
I hate losing battles. Running away is something I've never been very good at - despite the many times I've been forced to do just that.
I've been betrayed. Again. By now I should be used to it, but it still hurts - hurts almost unbearably.
In a way, it's my own fault. When I lost myself I turned to Treize to give me a way to seek the revenge that I so desperately craved. I betrayed myself then so I suppose that it's only natural that the trend should continue. Onward and upward, an ever escalating spiral. So why does it hurt so much?
I think I may be dying. I _know_ that I must have a concussion at the very least. My head hurts and I don't think I'm precisely rational. I'm rambling, and there isn't even anyone here to ramble to. Marvelous.
Treize fed me to the Romafeller faction. Deliberately. But it was something that we knew might have to be done. I always knew that if Treize was ready to sacrifice himself to acheive his goal then the rest of us were equally expendable.
It still hurts.
I know that I'm dwelling on this too much, but it tears at me in ways that I thought nothing ever would again. I'd love to get drunk, but I haven't got anything with me but Tallgeese and my uniform. I don't think Gundams _have_ an alcohol content....
I'm also not in any shape to be drinking. I'd pass out and probably never wake up.
Right now, I don't care.
And it's getting dark. Well, that suits me just fine. I like the nighttime. It hides so many nasty and hurtful things.... I shouldn't just lie here like this, but I don't think I can get up just now. Oh well.
Maybe I'll sleep after all. If there's a God, maybe I won't wake up.
But the night's there to remind me
Of the guns and the early graves
The ghosts appear as I fall asleep
To sing an outlaw's serenade
I know that I'm dreaming. If I were thinking about this while I was awake, I'd be screaming. Of course, I could just be hallucinating. Who knows?
I can see it all happening again. All the deaths, all the hatred and all the stupid, senseless conflict.
I've betrayed myself and my family's dreams again and again. Why should I expect anyone else to show me loyalty when I can't even trust myself?
Poor Relena, she has no idea what she's letting herself in for. To be a Peacecraft is to be constantly at war with yourself, even if you truly _believe_ in peace. To embrace the Peacecraft ideals is to set yourself against the world, and no one sane will engage in a war on two fronts.
And Otto. Poor, faithful Otto. He trusted me, followed me blindly. And look what it got him, an early grave - just like the rest of them. How many people have died to keep me alive? How many have followed me trustingly to their deaths?
Maybe I'm not surprised at being betrayed after all.
The Alliance Generals who sought peace.... If I still had a conscience I would be in torment. Treize is totally ruthless in pursuit of his goal, and so am I. But which of us had a purpose truly worth striving for?
The faces continue to pass before me. The dead, the dying and those left behind. I think that this may drive me mad....
Dyin' ain't much of a livin'
When you're livin' on the run
Dyin' ain't much of a livin' for the young
Is it too late to ask for foregiveness
For the things that I have done
Dyin' ain't much of a livin' for the young
I'm awake. I even feel better. I guess God isn't answering any prayers today. At least not from people like me....
And where the hell am I, anyway?
The desert's been a friend to me
It covers me by night
And a snakebite's not my enemy
But it taught me how to fight
_This_ is a rescue?
I shouldn't trust these people. I shouldn't even speak to them. I should take Tallgeese and leave. I should follow my own path.
Alone. Again.
On the other hand, what is there that I can do on my own? I.... need these people. I can use them. I can....
I think I've really lost my mind. There is a small part of me, the real Millard Peacecraft, probably, who is screaming his fool head off. This is not a good idea. This is probably the stupidest, most suicidal, melodramatic....
I can ignore him. I've been ignoring him for most of my life.
This is something that I _want_ to do. Something that I _need_ to do. Something that will bring all the rest of this martial mess into proper perspective.
I'm not mad. Just angry. Very, very angry.
Really.
All this fame don't bring you freedom
Though it wears a thin disguise
When an outlaw is just a man to me
And a man has to die
It's amazing the way people will listen to you if you're willing to wave the Peacecraft name around like a banner. I've accomplished more in just a few short weeks than I think Treize did in the course of several years.
And for what?
I think I've managed to finally destroy that last annoying little voice. I know who I am now. I know what I want.
I want peace. Permanent, eternal peace.
Maybe I'm more of a Peacecraft than I knew.
Dyin' ain't much of a livin'
When you're livin' on the run
Dyin' ain't much of a livin' for the young
Is it too late to ask for foregiveness
For the things that I have done
Dyin' ain't much of a livin' for the young
Relena came to appeal to me. That's a laugh. There is only one way to stop the unending conflict that the human race seems to delight in.
Her way has been tried, and failed. The Alliance tried to force peace, and we all know how that turned out. Treize is trying to bring peace, and his efforts are also doomed to failure. There is only one way to bring peace to us all. One way to end all the pain and betrayal.
One way to put all the ghosts to rest.
May God forgive me.
No one else will.
And I hope someone will pray for me
When it's my turn to die...pray for me.
Perhaps there is redemption. Maybe prayers really are answered. I never thought that this chance would come to me, to make things right. And on Christmas, of all days....
Millard Peacecraft is dead.
Zechs Marquise is dead.
The only one left is me, and I'm free. I can finally choose my own path. I am free to choose my own destiny.
I will choose to fight for what I believe. Because in war or in peace.... Everyone has a choice.
"Call me...Wind."
The End
Truth
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