September 2000
OK, this is a shounen ai, 2+1, angsty, severely depressing deathfic with minor swearing. If you still want to read, go ahead. This is my first attempt at non-yaoi and my second fic. So please be nice. I think I may have bastardized Heero against my knowledge... I'm not sure. I blame my sadistic muse Kiagara for this one; it just struck me at work. She really has the worst timing.....
:: Kiagara pops out of nowhere and smacks DarkAngel over the head with her massive Black Mallet of Malevolence:: Baka, what did you just say?! I don't *have* to help you, ya know!
Lady DarkAngel: Gomen! I just meant that sparking inspiration in the middle of mangling sheets is... inopportune. ::grumbles to herself:: Not to mention dangerous....
Kiagara: Hm! See if I give *you* any more ideas!
::storms off::
Lady DarkAngel: Wait! K'so, has she got a temper!
Anyway, C&C desperately wanted. I would also like to thank those individuals who are in what I have dubbed the 'I Wanna Be in Your Fic Club'. They know who they are. I am *NOT* gonna waste space listing them all.
Title: Any Second Now
Author: Lady DarkAngel
Date: 7/12/00
Archive:Lady DarkAngel's Gundam Wing Fanfiction Library,
Darkflame's (if she'll take it...) and anywhere else is fine, just ask me first
Category: Yaoi, Angst, Deathfic
Pairing(s): 1x2
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing or Shinkidousenki Gundam Wing is copyrighted and trademarked by Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency and associated parties with all rights and privileges. The characters were used without permission for the purposes of entertainment only.
This is not meant for sale of profit. Any characters not created by those listed above are mine and hereby considered the sole property and copyright of the author.
Anyway, I'm just a poor college student. So can I play with them? I promise I won't break them...much.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: As much angst as I could stuff in here, delusions, possible OOCness but I doubt it, suicide
Feedback: Kami-sama, YES!!! Ladydarkangel_1@yahoo.com; any and all comments are welcome like the sweet ego-sustainers they are.
Duo was imagining things. He just knew it. This wasn't real. The blood flowing over his wrists was real, as was the pain and cold. The vision before him was not. Just wishful thinking. Any second now it would fade away. He did this sort of thing a lot. Heero was always telling him what he was imagining. Like his future plans, for instance. His hopes for humanity. Love. The Wing pilot had looked him straight in the eye and told Duo that there was no such thing as love. There was only mutual gratification on a physical level. Anything else was an illusion for weaklings who couldn't deal with reality. That question, brought on by five months of intense 'mutual gratification' had been sparked by Duo's insecurity about their relationship. It had been growing with every day and night spent in the company of the still cold pilot. He had just want a little reassurance; wasn't asking for much, really. What he got shocked him to his very core.
<Does this mean.....that I mean nothing to him? 'We' mean nothing? But, how.....why...... no. Masaka! No, that can't be! He's lying, he has to be! Heero must care for me, love me! We're lovers, goddamnit! He's just trying to be the 'Perfect Solider', just pretending... right?>
In desperation, he had grabbed Heero's arm and begged him to recant his statement. To show *some* sign of remorse at the heartless statement. He babbled incoherently about 'true love' and being 'together forever' and other such romantic hopes. Anything at all he could think of in his frantic hysteria to contradict what he had just heard. All that he had gotten was a swift punch to the jaw and one helluva bruise on his right cheek. As he sat on the floor, staring up at his unrepentant lover, Duo felt his heart shatter. The utter certainty in Heero's icy cobalt-blue eyes dispelled any doubt or hope he was lying. He *meant* it, every word! Duo's mind began to scream denial.
<No! This can't be; he loves me! He *has* to! All this time, all the things we've lived through, the things we done and shared...... Demo, I've given him everything. My body, mind, heart, soul......*everything*, damnit! Iie, he can't do this!>
Duo had left the room as fast as his stumbling feet could carry him. He didn't want to let Heero see him cry, see how badly the Japanese boy had hurt him. He raced up to their room and bolted the door. He had bitten his lips bloody in a vain attempt to stop the tears that threatened to cascade from his watery violet eyes but it didn't work. Hot tears streaked down the black-and-blue mark on his cheek and splattered on the picture he was cradling. A snapshot of Heero and him at one of Quatre's estates, from when they had just gotten together. When everything had been new and happy and perfect. It was one of his most precious possessions. In it, Heero was actually smiling and holding Duo close. The ice was gone from those beautiful eyes, showing contentment for the moment at least. On the back was scrawled their names and the word 'Forever' that Duo had written impetuously. He stared at it, the reality of what was going on hitting him full force. <Uso, lies. All lies. All of it, every damn thing in this whole...... I am such a shmuck, I never noticed. He never loved me, never. The bastard was just using me for his own pleasure. I was a warm body, nothing more. A toy or maybe a distraction. Something to pass the time and then toss when I became inconvenient. Asking about love sure as hell qualifies as becoming 'inconvenient', ne Maxwell? Shimatta, I was too dumb to see it. Too blind. I *loved* that miserable SOB, so I couldn't see..... Didn't want to see...... It was so easy to pretend, to believe that maybe, just maybe, I could make the 'Perfect Solider' feel. Care for something, someone. Love someone.....>
It hurt. It hurt so much. There was nothing left; it was all gone, eaten away by the anguish Heero's words had caused. The pain was so great and the emptiness so deep, he knew that he could never take it. He wasn't strong enough. He was too weak. Wasn't this proof enough? Curled up on the floor, crying his eyes out like a little child because a few simple sentences had crushed his adolescent dreams. His whole life had been like this: having something he thought was wonderful, only to have it ripped out from under his feet. Duo *knew* that he had caused most of it; he must be a jinx or something. Everything he ever wanted and everyone he ever cared for was dead because of him. The blade had been so clear compared to his darkened state, so pure when held up against his own stained soul. So he stained the knife, too.
It hadn't hurt much, not like he had expected and was nothing compared to the agony inside. He only felt a sharp sting and then blessed numbness that spread all over his small frame. He could feel the warm wetness of the blood that coated his wrists and was dripping down his arms to form a puddle on the floor. He stared at it briefly, fascinated by the steady rhythm the russet droplets made. It was almost beautiful, in a perverse sort of way. The roar of blood in his ears was dully slowly and he could feel everything beginning to *slow* down. He could barely hear what sounded like pounding on the door when a sudden chill set in and his legs refused to support him anymore. Duo fell face-first to the ground and everything went hazy.
<Nothing is real. Nothing I feel, nothing I think, nothing I am. All fake, the imagination of a miserable boy trying desperately to hide from Big Bad Reality. I should have known better; Duo no baka. Guess you can't hide forever, huh? Oh well, this isn't so bad. Not at all like I thought it would. If I go to Hell, then I guess the easy death part was the mercy bit. At least it doesn't hurt anymore... Any second now, it will all be over... >
The world had descended into blurry pictures and a lot of vague sounds and sensations. Familiar pictures and sounds... Something suspiciously like a wood smashing and the impression of being lifted up. Noises echoed around him, almost like a voice... He focused on the perceptions.
<It kinda looks like Heero... Sounds like him, too.>
Duo imagined that if he concentrated hard enough, he could turn the meaningless noises into words. He could even make it sound like his beloved. He then proceeded to have a conversation with the figment of his imagination.
"Duo! What the hell have you done?!"
<Made it stop hurting, koi. Made it go away. I fixed it, Heero. I made it alright. It's gonna be alright soon...>
"Damnit, how could you do this?"
<Easy. As easily as you crushed my world. As easily as you told me a lie and I believed and lived it. This was the easiest thing I've ever done. No, wait... That's not true. The easiest was falling in love with you.>
"You *can't* die on me. I won't let you."
<Too bad, Yuy. I don't think that you have much say in the matter. I've made my choice; I've done what I wanted to do. This is the best way, the only way. What's it to you, anyway? Why do you care?>
"Duo, please... You can't go. I... I... I love you."
<*Love*?! Hah, now I *know* you're not real! Heero Yuy doesn't believe in love. His left hook told me so. You're a damn fake. He'd never talk to me like this or hold me so tenderly. He's not capable of it. He doesn't care; never has and never will. Especially not for me. Yamero, now you're just being cruel. Any second now, you'll just fade away like me... Still, this is a nice dream... Might as well enjoy it while it lasts.>
Duo relaxed and let the darkness come a little closer. He was almost there, just a tiny bit further...
"Iie, Duo Maxwell, don't! Ai shiteru! Can you hear me? I said it; you *have* to come back now! Duo!"
<So nice. Why can't the real Heero be like this? Because it's reality, bakayaro, and miracles aren't for people like you. You aren't worthy of them. All you get is one last fantasy... Besides, it's better then you deserve. Oh, Heero, I will miss you. I hope you'll be happy or as close as 'Perfect Soldiers' gets. I did love you, Heero, with everything I was...... Ai shiteru, koi; itsumo, zutto.>
Duo drifted off, listening to the imagined pleas and anguished endearments of a fictious lover, held in arms that were too gentle and caring to be real. His thoughts grew cloudy and a deep sense of tiredness set in. The calls to return were lulling him to sleep.
<Hmmm, imagination is nice.......>
<Imagination is hell.>
It was torturing Heero, offering him an image of his beloved angel bleeding in his arms. He rocked slowly back and forth, trying to dismiss the cruel scene before him from his mind. He had come up to apologize, only to discover a sight straight from Hell. His beautiful one was crumpled in a pool of his own life's blood and wasn't moving. He closed his eyes and feverently wished it away.
<Any second now it will disappear. This isn't real. It can't be! This isn't my Duo. He's full of life, laughter... love. This... this is just my mind playing tricks on me. Punishing me for being such a fool earlier. Earlier? Try *always*, Yuy! Ano, any second now, it will go away. Any second now... >
He clutched the apparition closer to his chest. It certainly felt real. *Too* real...
<Iie, it's not. This isn't Duo. He wouldn't do this to himself... to me. He loves life too much. He *loves* too much. He wouldn't leave, would never hurt himself. Hurt me. Why does this *hurt* so much?! Heero no baka! It's not real!>
He continued to hold the still, cold form of his lover close, cradling him like a baby. The imaginary blood soaked his tanktop, the floor, his hands... But he didn't *care*. He wasn't letting go, even if this was only a dream. He just couldn't bear to. He reached down to kiss the cold, bloody lips and traced the outline of the pale face beneath him. That was proof this was fake. Duo was warm and colorful, not at all like the broken thing before him. He stared at the bruise on his cheek, the same one he had administered only a few minutes before.
<Seems like an eternity. Any second now, I'll wake up and the real Duo will come back. I'll apologize, he'll annoy me. Chatter on, joke, laugh, smile, tease me, love me... Everything he *always* does. It will all be normal again soon. It will be just fine. Everything A-OK, like he constantly says. Any second now, my love will be warm in my arms and we can go on with life. Why did I lie to him? To protect him.....or me? I thought it would be better that way, safer for the both of us. No pain that way, in case something went wrong. I was wrong, *this* is wrong! Oh, Duo, I swear when I wake up, I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything. Ai shiteru, over and over again, until you believe and are happy. When this goes away, I'll make it alright. We'll live happily ever after, just like you always wanted to. I will try to be a better lover, to be what you want and need. I promise. You can come back now. I'll be good. Everything will be fine. I'm waiting for you. I'll wait forever if I have to. Come on, Duo. I want to wake up. Any second now... >
<Any second now... >
<Any second now..............>
~~Owari~~
Kiagara: Hah, now *that* was a fic! I do good work,
ne?
Alisande: ::sobbing:: How could you?! That was the
saddest thing I ever read. You are so terrible, I
don't know *why* she puts up with you!
Kiagara: That's because I actually give her real
inspiration every once and while, unlike that sap you
try to foist off! Have you even done anything
constructive lately, anyway?
Alisande: Why you miserable.......
Rynvi: ::blows loud whistle:: OK, time out! Let the
girl finish her work and then you two can bicker.
Agreed? ::turns to leave but hesitates:: I must
admit, though, I though it was alright. Not really my
thing, ya know. No humor and dark as sin.
Kiagara: Like you can do better!
Alisande: Nani?!?! How can you encourage her?!
::all three begin to bicker loudly::
Gomen, my muses really are a sorry lot. ::Gets death glares from the trio:: Well, it's true! I have no control over them. They refuse to acknowledge my authority! :: Kiagara mutters "What authority?":: Hn, I swear they're more trouble then they're worth....... Ano, I'd like to know what you think.
Random thoughts and criticism can be sent to Ladydarkangel_1@yahoo.com. I appreciate it. Lady DarkAngel
Lady DarkAngel
Please send comments to: Ladydarkangel_1@yahoo.com