Disclaimer: Blech. You know it.
Well, this is the sequel to 'Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)' cause people actually asked for one! *is happy* Although I think I scared all the people on one list... *laughs evilly* Crazy Rilina/Heero people...
Another Vertical Horizon song, but NOT 'Everything you Want.' I've seen enough yaoi songfics to that song to last me a lifetime... Gundam and Weiß mostly. Also, I try not to use songs that are too well known, because then a person already has impressions and memories of that song. A songfic works better if they don't.
C&C is, as always, quite appreciated! ^^
Italics with no quotation marks are thought, the song lyrics are in these funny things [] if you can't tell. ¬.¬ It's largely from Heero's point of view, though partly from Duo's. And it switches scenes a lot, so don't let that confuzzle you!
Warnings: Shounen ai, sappy fluff
Pairings: 1+2/2+1
Spoilers: None
Archive: GW Addiction, no da! (Tyr is my hero)
[I don't think you notice
When you see my face]
It wasn't the first time - Nor would it be the last, he was sure. The mask had slipped once again, a momentary crack showing panic, pain, happiness - love? His partner, though, seemed completely oblivious, as if Heero's sudden gasp as Deathscythe had plummeted; an engine loss quickly reversed but for one sickening moment nearly undoing, had been a commonplace event. Or maybe the pilot hadn't even heard - too caught up in his own battles to listen to the sounds of Heero's. He wasn't sure whether he wanted Duo to notice or not...
[I guess you're waiting
To spin me around again]
The beds in this school were more comfortable than the last... He was unaccustomed to sleeping three inches deep in sheets. He was much more used to the metal and plastic of a cockpit, the inch of mattress in barracks, or even the bare ground. He felt unsupported, he realized, like he was sleeping on water.
"Heero?" The familiar voice was low, almost tentative.
"Nani?" So, Duo couldn't sleep either.
"Have you ever - I mean... Ah... Do you - Me... Um... Do you think you lo-" He stopped, and Heero heard a deep breath being drawn.
"Have you ever loved anyone?"
"What?" He knew his surprise was evident even in his voice, but thankfully, Duo couldn't see his face, the reigning confusion battling hesitation and even fear. Could Duo mean...? Masaka.
"Ah, never mind, Heero." He heard once again the whisper of cloth on cloth as Duo turned.
"Oyasumi, Heero."
But even after he was sure Duo was asleep, he couldn't slow his heart.
[Wheels I guess are turning
Somewhere inside my head]
It's hard to admit. Even to yourself. First it's just a mild attraction, too long in too close proximity. Then a strange adolescent crush, an admiration for determination and strength. And finally, love, for what you know lies under the single-minded determination, even if only from a few quick glances, a strange vulnerability reflected deep in bright blue, a moment of feeling you wouldn't normally be allowed.
It's even harder to admit if it's another man.[1]
[I know that this is
Deeper than you get]
Last night wasn't the first time he'd contemplated telling Heero, oh so prepared for the scoff and rejection - from getting the same many times from much less complicated things. Love to a soldier such as him like was just a word, something that called up memories of bad soap operas or the unfortunate experience of boarding at a school around Valentine's day. A curiosity, something to maybe observe in others, but also unneeded, as most things seemed to be to Heero. Something he didn't even need to understand.
[I've already given
Up on getting through]
"Heero..." Nothing. "Heeeeeeerooooooo......" Still nothing. He sighed for the tenth time in ten minutes, listening to the cacophony of rain pounding the tin roof.
And abrupt click, and suddenly Heero was standing in front of him, his normal scowl slightly relaxed.
"What is it, Duo?" He blinked several times, not having expected much of a reaction.
[I never question
Who I'm talking to]
"Ah... It's a good day, ne?" He asked. He really hadn't actually formulated something to say to Heero - he was just pestering him because he was bored and it was fun to watch Heero's eyebrow twitch slightly with each syllable.
Idly he wondered why Heero had replied in the first place. They'd both gotten used to the routine of Duo speaking and Heero grunting if he replied at all. Duo stopped eventually, and Heero never gave any sign of missing it. Anything to kill time, to ignore the stony silence and aura of solitude that emanated from Heero.
[Oh, so much for nothing]
But nothing means so much]
Heero was looking at him... In a way he'd never been looked at before. He wasn't sure whether it was good or bad, it was nothing close to any of the other expressions he'd ever seen in his solemn counterpart. It wasn't the ambivalent look he was accustomed to, the one it seemed like everyone but Rilina got. The one that always made him wish for more... But always, for some reason, made him glad that he got at least that much.
[I know it's touching
But I've been out of touch]
Duo seemed genuinely surprised that he'd replied at all. He'd never really thought about how other people viewed him, but he realized that he really must seem cold. He cut himself off for reasons, but had never considered what messages it sent to other people, because he'd never before cared. He'd been taught that feelings were unneeded in war, simply something that impeded you and held you back, as he'd seen so many hold back in killing him. No matter what he'd done, they paled at the idea of killing one so young. 'In appearance...'[2]
[But it's all that I can do
I'm a site for my sore eyes
But it's all I am so]
He knew they wanted more. Duo, Rilina, the other pilots. They all wanted him to open up, to show what he'd kept bottled up for so long. He wasn't sure they understood - what it took to stay like this. Sometimes he struggled to find the proper response other than a grunt, but sometimes he had to fight just as hard to maintain the visage of derision. He knew, however, that he would have to fight to keep it until the end of the war. If he couldn't, he would fail. That he also knew.[3]
[I don't think you notice
When I can't reach out]
He'd wondered endlessly if it hurt Duo or Rilina when they selflessly offered their thoughts to him and he barely responded, or if they realized. Realized what it cost him either way, as his humanity chipped slowly away and he watched passively. Realized that is he could, he would have responded in kind, a similar smile, gesture, idle remark, or even touch, but that he couldn't. It had taken too much too condition him for war, and he wouldn't sacrifice that. He had a purpose, and he needed to live out that purpose before he led his own desire for more intimate contact get in the way.
[I guess you're waiting
On somebody else again]
But could they recognize that? Or would they continue to search fruitlessly, looking for someone he couldn't be until his final mission was accomplished, until the war was over by one way or another, until the colonies were recognized as free and could coincide with Earth. Maybe, if they understood, they could wait...
[Oh so much for talking
It's all been said before]
Duo's fists were clenched so tight he was sure the pilot's nails, short as they were, were still cutting parallel arcs into his palms - but Duo clearly didn't care.
He welcomed the change from hurt to angry, but still wasn't sure how to deal with it. He'd answered with nothing one time too many, and this Duo was going to deal with it, instead of eventually subsiding into a silence straining with unexpressed anger and never shown desperation, a silence he couldn't stand and would have given anything to get rid of.
[I'm hearing something
But I wish you'd just say more]
There had been something there... Something implied, too deep for idle conversation but impossible to hide completely in the simplest of talk. Something only picked up if you were looking. Something he hoped he'd be able to take a chance on, once this war was over, if he could teach himself - To break of what had at once been his sanity and his binding for so long.
[Don't tell me
How to be]
He considered some sort of retaliation against the girl, but realized that she was not only doing what she thought was right, but that it was right. To any casual observer, to any observer whatsoever, he appeared nothing but a cold bastard who ignored every advance, social or otherwise, towards him. That this girl had taken it upon herself to defend Duo was nothing he should feel aggressive for.
[I'm just fine
Here finding me]
He turned back to his friend - 'For now.' - and looked straight into the cobalt eyes, only slightly wounded after dealing with rejection for long.
"I'm sorry, Duo," he said, and held out his hand. It was a start, he reflected, as surprise was quickly replaced by happiness on Duo's face, and he took the proffered hand.
"That's all right, Heero. That's fine."
Owari
O.0 Well... I don't like it much. Turned out better than I though in the middle. And no where near the closure I wanted. 0.o Oops. Damn thing wrote itself, I swear! Well, I may write ANOTHER sequel. 0.o
Notes:
[1] Looking back through, I realized there is no clue whatsoever as to which is speaking. Although I intended for it to be Duo, I suppose it could be either one. Interpret as you wish! ^^
[2] There was some confusion expressed as to what that meant. Duo is saying that he is only young in appearance. Hope that clears it up! ^^
[3] BLEEEEEEECH!!!!
My computer has developed a slight obsession for Ayumi Hamasaki... Four of the last five songs were hers. O.0 *pokes speakers* Come on! You have about 800 choices here! 800!
Computer: *picks three Maaya Sakamoto songs in a row, then goes on to literally 10 Angel Sanctuary tracks*
Ryan Harbin
Please send comments to: rioroute_vilgyna@yahoo.com