26-Feb-2001
Authors: Laekin and bonnejeanne
Category: Action, Adventure, Romance, ANGST
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4x5 (Combinations thereof)
Rating: R (Adult Situations)
Disclaimer: Not mine, no money being made or sought here.
WARNINGS: Angst. If you like these characters, you might want a box of tissues for this one, too.
NOTES: What is being posted here was written by myself and Laekin together, just as everything else in the Companions of Fate series. The plot is hers, with a few small contributions by moi; she writes for Quatre, Trowa and Duo. My contributions are confined to Wufei and Heero and some brainstorming.
Quatre lay there, thinking to himself that it had been over 3 months since he'd last gotten eight straight hours of sleep. His body seemed resigned to the idea that 3-5 hours was plenty and he usually woke after that time frame, no matter how physically active he'd been just before falling asleep.
The moon's light, unblocked by man's technology out on the reserve, poured in through the open windows. The moon had dipped a little so it's light played across the floor and not the bed but Quatre still felt it's call. He looked over at Trowa who was snugged in between himself and Wufei and he smiled inwardly at his two lovers. They both looked so young and peaceful when asleep.
~Do I still look like that? ~ Quatre thought to himself.
He lay there for a half an hour, trying to will himself back to sleep. His body should have wanted more rest, he could feel the delicious aches brought on by fantastic sex but his mind wanted nothing to do with the unconscious state. Giving up, Quatre very carefully disengaged himself from Trowa. The trick was, to get out from Trowa's arm, without disturbing Wufei on the other side.
Trowa had long ago learned to sleep through small blond nocturnal roamings but the Chinese boy was too alert and Quatre had no desire to disturb the sleeping dragon. So he moved carefully, trying not to jostle Trowa enough to awaken Wufei.
Making good his escape, the little blond pulled on his robe, belting it loosely against the cool night air. Silent on bare feet, he padded out of the bedroom, nudging aside articles of clothing as he went. His path lead him out to the back porch from which you could see the open plains that made up over half of the reserve. He'd claimed the small porch as his own when they'd first arrived. It held a couple of chairs and steps that lead down to the small garden in the back of the bungalow.
Taking the chair to the left, Quatre kicked his feet up against one of the support posts that held up the roof. A very fine misting rain had started up while they'd been asleep and Quatre smiled as he felt the dampness tickle his small feet. The rains would be coming to the grasslands soon, the scent was heavy in the air.
Looking up, he tried to find the stars. A few of the brighter members of the constellation shined through the gathering clouds, winking down at him. Quatre took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the damp night air. Space was calling to him again, demanding the return of it's golden child, he could feel it.
Marylin Phipps had put a firm block on any contact from WEI to Quatre for the time he, Trowa and Wufei had been down on Earth. She had run WEI with her usual competence and had blocked all knowledge of his whereabouts on Earth from all inquisitive parties.
Still, Quatre could feel the call. He was torn. A part of him wanted to stay on Earth. He'd found himself enjoying the hard physical labor he'd been assisting with in the form of the rides. He found himself wondering what other lands on Earth were still torn asunder by the war. Where else a pair of hands might be needed to help rebuild. He'd even played with the notion of staying, of disappearing into the landscape, finding those places and putting his blood and sweat back into the rebuilding efforts.
The lure to run was keen in Quatre. The confusion brought on by what had happened to Trowa and Wufei... the pain he'd allowed to befall the two he loved most in the world... Quatre felt it's whiplash edge keenly. He'd wanted to run from it. From Trowa's physical pain and Wufei's emotional agony. Staying and doing... nothing... had been one of the hardest tests Quatre had faced and a test he had not been prepared for.
In the silent darkness of the night, Quatre allowed the insecurities out of their cages and loose in his mind. He'd said nothing, to either of his lovers... when had there been time... but the knowledge that Trowa had brought back, the confession the green eyed boy had made... rocked Quatre deeper then he'd like to admit.
Now, he felt like the intruder, the wedge force between Trowa and Wufei. He knew that this was the very reason Trowa had not originally just come to him to tell him how he felt about Wufei. That Trowa feared the very thing Quatre was now feeling. Quatre had firmly tried to squash the emotion out of his mind. He told himself that it was nonsense, wrong, incorrect... but his heart did not seem to listen, so the doubt remained.
Now, Quatre couldn't find his feet with any of his friends. Who was he anymore. He'd come very close to channeling his father there for a long time, the worst traits of his father in fact. Pushing aside everything and everyone for the sake of duty and the collective good. Was that who he was meant to be? He'd worked closely with Relena. The type of work that the Vice Minister did, left very little time for personal relationships. Maybe he was making a mistake trying to balance not one but two romantic ties. He knew that for a long time... it was grossly unfair to Trowa. Trowa deserved a life of his own, not one stuck in Quatre's fishbowl. Wufei... Quatre chuckled to himself, well Wufei wouldn't allow himself to be stuck in the fishbowl.
So... it was rapidly coming down to what did he want. Who did he want to be. He could hear his father's ghost, admonishing him from many years ago....
~" Father, why aren't you married?"~ Quatre could remember asking in 6 year old innocence.
Master Winner had looked up from the report he was reading to look at his youngest child with some surprise. ~"Why do you ask Quatre?"~
~"Well... Murray's Mum is remarrying and Murray is really happy and he said he was happy she wasn't alone anymore... and I got to think that you must be pretty lonely too, with Mum gone."~
Quatre could now understand the flash of pain that had gone across his father's stern features, quickly squashed as the man had set down his report and picked up the little blond child. ~"Well Quatre, I have a lot of people depending on me and looking to me for direction and focus and that keeps me pretty busy. But I have you and your sisters to keep me company now don't I?"~
Quatre could remember sucking on his thumb thoughtfully as he tried to digest this. A part of his child's mind had been giddy at the idea that he could some how fulfill a void in his father's life, though he knew now that was a bad misconception. Master Winner had given Quatre a soft bounce on his knee then set the child down on his own two feet.
~"Sometimes, we have to put our own desires aside Quatre, to get the job done. You need to learn this if you're going to be a good heir."~
Ever the lesson. Quatre gnawed on his thumbnail in a habit left over from the all out thumb sucking. He believed in himself. He believed in the work that he and Relena had done together and the work that still needed to be done. He knew he wouldn't feel the call from Space if he didn't.
But what happened when one duty directly opposed the other. His duty to the safety of the whole had conflicted with his duty to keep Trowa safe. Then... the ultimate betrayal... forcing his other beloved to choose between the remains of his own family and Quatre. Quatre closed his eyes and rested his forehead against his fingers.
It was all getting so confusing. All the thoughts in his head and the feelings and the doubts. He'd made promises to those he loved and now, he could only see a path that broke his heart but the doubts made him feel as if it were the only path open at the time.
Wufei and Trowa were good for each other. Maybe it was time to step back... let them see what they could find together while he tried to find himself.
Wufei sat silently on the porch step as if materialized from thin air, watching the blond gaze at the stars and think. What he could see or sense from watching the expressions crossing that mobile face he kept without judgment, simply waiting and observing as the cool air moved over his bare back and chest.
Quatre lowered his hand. The movement brought Wufei into view and the little blond startled a bit, having been thoroughly snuck up upon.
Frowning gently Quatre fussed softly. "Wufei! You should have a shirt on, it's chilly out here."
Wufei smiled very slightly. "You should not be walking in damp grass with bare feet," he said. Then he shrugged. "We'll both survive."
Quatre looked down at his toes thoughtfully, wriggling them in the damp ground. He gave a little nod of agreement with Wufei, tucking his robe tighter around his body as he sat back down in the rickety chair.
"Good point. Why aren't you asleep hmm?" Quatre looked over at the young dragon but not into his eyes. "I would have thought Trowa and I wore you out quite thoroughly earlier."
The slight smile remained. "I suppose you will have to work harder at it next time," he said. "You don't know why I woke up?"
"Trowa's snoring again?" Quatre returned softly with a warm grin on his face.
Wufei shook his head. He watched the blond, noting that Quatre was not meeting his eyes fully.
"Ah." Quatre said, ducking his head and finally completely looking away from Wufei. "I tried not to disturb you when I got up."
"You didn't disturb me," Wufei said quietly. "Meiran woke me and told me you needed something."
Quatre blinked in the darkness. He reached up and brushed some moisture out of his bangs, smiling to himself ruefully. "It's all right." Quatre did not attempt to poo poo the idea of Meiran, in fact he mentally fussed at the ghost for disturbing Wufei's sleep.
Wufei watched and listened. The disclaimer of 'it's all right' was not unexpected.
"If you leave me... I will quite probably never sleep again," he said calmly.
Quatre had been trying to re-erect the strong barriers he held his insecurities behind in the silence that had filled the space after his words. He was almost desperate to keep his doubts away from his loved ones but Wufei's calmly spoken words crashed into the weak barrier and smashed it to the ground.
Quatre felt his heart leap into his throat, hammering there almost painfully, like it wanted to choke him. He took a slow breath, forcing his own body to calm down and stop clamoring. He swallowed a couple of times, looking back up at the moon which was almost the only celestial body visible anymore.
"I can't find the path Wufei."
Wufei nodded. "I've been there. It almost destroyed me. I was lucky enough to survive it. I won't let you go alone, you must realize that."
Quatre looked down at his hands. "I thought about it. When we first got here, about a week into it. The more I worked with the locals, even though my hands had horrible blisters... I got to thinking that maybe it was time for me to... wander a little. Without the Winner fortune behind me to catch me and make my life easier. Without you, Trowa, Heero and Duo there to help me. A couple of nights... the urge was strong Wufei. To just be... gone when you and Trowa woke up. Then I would realize that such an act would be made selfish from the very first step if I were to do such a thing to those I love and I remembered my promise to you... not to run the next time."
Wufei nodded again. "Yet you are thinking of it again." He gazed into Quatre's eyes for a long moment. "What have I withheld from you?"
Quatre again broke the eye contact. The onyx gaze was just too penetrating. It was like trying to match stares with Heero's intense eyes. "I don't know what I'm thinking Wufei. I know that I wouldn't just... walk out of your lives without word. I couldn't do that. But... I might ask you, both... to let me go. I... I don't know how to explain it Wufei. I feel like the more I become who I was destined to be, the less I deserve you and Trowa. It's so... senseless." Quatre growled softly and stood back up, pacing into the damp grass.
"Who selected this destiny?" Wufei said, trying to keep his voice from becoming harsh. "Your... father?"
"Yes... and Heero.... and the war." Quatre didn't yell, he didn't seem to have the energy to yell the words. "My father groomed me for it all my life.... the war and Heero... directed it, focused it. Damn it Wufei... I know that I am good at what I do. The very strengths that I shied away from... I'm good at them. But I feel like... accepting it puts me on one side of the river, from the banks of which I can see you and Trowa... and I guess perhaps... " Quatre gave a soft chuckle, "That makes me jealous. Because I want to be over there... with you and at the same time, I feel called in the other direction."
Wufei became as still as a stone listening to the words. Then he took a breath and shook his head. "What must I do to cross this river?" he said softly. "I will find a way. If you walked all the way to hell I would follow you."
Quatre paced a couple more turns, then sank down onto his knees, his hands laying across his thighs, sitting back on his heels. "I don't know Wufei. I can't find the answer and I've been searching. When Trowa told me... that he'd been in love with you for... so long. When he told me why he hadn't told me sooner it felt like I'd been gut punched. I couldn't fault him for being in love with you, I'd have to fault myself for the same crime... but that he felt he couldn't tell me." Quatre sighed softly.
"I'd already felt... separated from you. From all of you. Even Heero and Duo though they were right beside me every day. When you and Trowa came back... I wanted to scramble across the rocks and get to you... but everything kept pushing me back... I don't know maybe it was my own fears and confusion pushing me back... I just. Don't. Know. anymore."
Quatre took another long slow breath, visibly forcing himself to remain calm. "I don't know how to explain it Wufei. It's not that I doubt you, or Trowa... but I doubt myself."
Wufei got up from his seat, moving gracefully to cross the space between them. He took Quatre in his arms without a word and bent to press a kiss against the Arabian's lips. It was a passionate kiss, containing the same pure fire that comprised the Chinese warrior's soul. He lifted his mouth slowly, looking down.
"I understand doubt," he said, his voice low and a little rough with suppressed emotion. "But I don't know what to do or say to answer yours. I only know that you made a promise... not in words. I would give anything to take away your feelings of unworth, but even if I can't, I will blindly follow, I will blindly fight to keep you. Until I have no further breath in me."
"If I were a kind person, Quatre, I might forego it, might try to understand what is right for you, without thinking of myself." Wufei shook his head, stroking his fingers down Quatre's back. "You see? Not kind."
Quatre felt his feet leave the ground in the first rush of the passionate embrace. His arms closed around Wufei's shoulders automatically and he returned the kiss just as passionately, along with hints of the desperate need he had spoken of that night up in space in the hotel room.
Watching Wufei's face as the Chinese boy spoke, tears tracked down Quatre's cheeks. He'd been able to squash the urge to cry at the drop of a hat but nothing he did seemed capable of holding back the emotions assaulting him now. He was finally able to meet Wufei's eyes but his own were full of confusion and fear. Leaning forward, he hid his damp face against Wufei's chest.
"I love you. I love you both so much it's a physical ache. The thought of living without you in my life... feels like hell on Earth but the thought of living... so close and yet... so far away... is the definition of eternal torment."
Wufei's arms tightened. "Am I truly so far away?"
Quatre's arms tightened to a point where he could almost crack ribs and he nodded. "Yes... no... I... I..." Quatre had to stop and take a shuddering breath. "I can't tell anymore... if you're so far away.... or if I'm so far away."
Wufei kissed Quatre's lips tenderly, then pressed a kiss on each eyelid. "There is no way out of this but to choose," he said, his voice low. "I have already chosen. It doesn't matter to me where you are. This thing that we had to do... I know will not be repeated. Should a similar circumstance occur, different things will happen. Trowa... koi, I was shocked to my foundations by what he confessed. But do you think it changed anything that is in my heart for you?" he shook his head. "Whether it should, or not, it doesn't matter. I'm content with what ever occurs between you - content in that I know I will remain true to my choices. If it should pull me apart, I won't suffer or complain. There's nothing more that I can give you, koi. You already have it all."
Quatre's hold didn't loosen, nor did the way his face kept pressing against Wufei's chest after the soft kisses. He whispered. "You'll accuse me of arrogance. I accuse myself of being a fool... but all I can think is... I see you two together and you compliment each other so well. Your fire, his cool. Your passion, his logic. Your strength, his weakness... to his strength and your weakness. At first... I thought that through me, you two were finding each other and filling those gaps in your lives... and fulfilling each others needs... then he told me that he already loved you." Quatre took a slow breath, leaning heavily against Wufei.
"Now... what did you say... so long ago. 'And you little one... need to be needed.' Those and that which needs me now seem to be directly opposed to my staying with you." He sighed and shook his head. "I am a foolish, foolish man."
Wufei closed his eyes, then opened them. "I can't answer for your other lover," he said. "But for myself... if you can't look at me and see my need for you, you *are* a fool. As for the rest of the world - fine! Go where you must. I have no purpose but to be your bodyguard. I want none. I had have enough destiny to last a hundred lifetimes and I'm sick of it to the depths of my soul. I have chosen."
Quatre became very quiet in the wake of Wufei's words. He didn't move from where he leaned against his lover. "I.. I don't know how to present this but you do.... you have another choice to make koi." Quatre took a couple of deep breaths and pushed himself back onto his own two feet. It was hard for him but he looked up and into Wufei's eyes.
"When... Kuang came after me. I outbid him. Then put it all back into the companies he'd built. Those companies... that purpose, is now yours Wufei. You told me... three months ago, that this was my fight as you held no property, no power. Now, you do. If you desire it."
Wufei looked down, still for a long moment. "Liquidate it."
Now it was Quatre's turn to stand still for a moment. His expressive face reflecting a number of different arguments but none of them were given voice. In the end he nodded.
"As you wish, of course."
"My clan was not a wealthy one, Quatre," Wufei said softly. "That was Kuang's fantasy. We held our honor above anything else. It is ended. I will not... allow it to be raised and become something else."
Quatre nodded, his understanding of Wufei's desire and reasoning. "Space is... calling, once again. I'll see to it." Quatre tugged his robe tighter around his body, now that he'd stepped back from Wufei, the chill of the night air made him shiver and he hugged himself for warmth.
"I am coming with you," Wufei said simply.
Quatre looked over his shoulder at the grasslands laid out behind him. In the distance he could hear a couple of lions roaring back and forth. "I wish Trowa could stay here. It's done his soul... such good."
"If he chooses to do so," Wufei shrugged.
Quatre turned back, looking towards Wufei. "And if I asked you to stay with him?"
"Why would you do that?"
"Because I love you both and for right or for wrong I want you both safe and at peace."
Wufei looked into Quatre's eyes, moving to close the distance between them. He held the little blond's eyes and said slowly and distinctly, "Pick one. You can't have both. The only place I find peace is at your side."
Quatre forced himself to keep looking up into the onyx eyes that were like orbs of truth to him. "He'll come with us because he loves us and because he is strong that way. But... I want, *this* for him if I can manage it somehow." The more he'd seen of Trowa with the animals, gently healing and helping, the more Quatre had come to believe that Trowa deserved the peace brought to him by the honesty of Nature.
Wufei shrugged slightly. "If it can be managed I am certain you will find the way. But not by sending me away from you. I love him deeply but I can not makes his choices for him, nor change what has happened because of choices he has already made. Quatre..." he touched the Arabian's face gently. "Relax, because there is something in this world you can not manipulate. My heart."
Quatre studied Wufei's face, eyes, lips... then he turned and pressed his lips against Wufei's palm before stepping forward and once again resting his weight against the taller boy's body. He pushed two, long slow breath's through his lungs, his body relaxing with each exhale, then he whispered softly.
"I will try. I promise you. I will try... anything..."
Wufei wrapped his arms around Quatre, holding him. "Do what you know is right," he said softly. "I am with you."
Owari
Laekin and bonnejeane
Please send comments to: seregill@aol.com or bonnejeanne@yahoo.com