Shades of Grey by Laekin and bonnejeanne

Part Seven

Trowa gave Duo's chair a shove, pushing it back onto all fours before folding up his napkin and settling it on the table. "Perhaps, we had best press on. Before Duo gets hungry again."

Wufei looked at Heero who simply looked back.

"Very well. We had an incident last night. As a result of it, it was pointed out by Heero that I have been 'keeping things' from people. I am supposed to come clean and then I get the joy of having you all decide if you still want me in the team," Wufei said.

"And you get to decide if you want to stay." Heero interrupted quietly.

Trowa nodded placing his hand on Quatre's wrist to stop the blonde boy from automatically speaking.

"A dual decision." The green-eyed ex-pilot spoke just as quietly.

"In the light of day, everyone seems to have regained their sanity... or their customary insanity," Wufei said, glancing at Duo. "There may even be those who feel this is unnecessary and that the whole incident should be glossed over," he glanced at Quatre but not unkindly.

"However, I am tired of living in suspense. And while things might be... livable for a time, there will be another mission, and then the questions will arise again."

Duo had settled his chair down on it's legs and leaned forward, his hands clasped together, resting on the table. Quatre squirmed a bit but lifted his eyes to meet what was coming head on. Trowa watched both Heero and Wufei before nodding for Wufei to continue.

Wufei took a breath, wishing he did not have to do this all by himself, but that's the way most things were so why not this as well.

"On the mission I had to do some things and say some things. I am not an actor, I don't prevaricate well. I suppose I should have spoken up before it came to that but I didn't expect things to go the way they did. To convince the enemy, I..." he faltered, then began again more firmly.

"I had to use things that I have been trying to keep apart from what goes on in this team. Heero... and Trowa... are both too perceptive to have been deceived into thinking there was no basis for what came out. So now there are things that are... half on the table and half off."

It was Trowa who gently pressed. "They cannot go back. We cannot go back. Only forward Wufei."

Duo had lost his customary expression of flip and was watching Wufei closely and seriously.

Heero simply watched and listened with his customary impassivity. His eyes never moved from Wufei's face and the others could almost feel the energy, keeping Wufei almost pinned.

"I know, Trowa," Wufei said. "I know." He looked down, then collected himself. "It's not fair that I should be forced to do this," he said. "You all have feelings and thoughts you'd never tell the others. But I can't change it so I might as well get this over with."

He looked around briefly. "It's no secret that I have kept you all at a distance. I had my reasons. As long as you respected them, I thought I could handle it. But as Heero pointed out, I nearly didn't. So it's not an option any more. I don't think I can make the situation any better so I'm am already planning to leave. I will talk to Sally and get an assignment elsewhere. I'm not angry and I don't plan to walk out slamming the door. But if I can't have my privacy, I can't stay here. My privacy is the only thing that has kept me sane for this long."

Wufei turned around and walked to the side of the room, looking out the big window into the garden for a moment. The view was a perfect one of the scene where the almost gun-battle had taken place the night before.

Without turning around, he said. "I care about all of you. Very deeply. I didn't plan to, I didn't want to. I wanted to care only about my clan, my colony. But it happened without my permission. Then, my clan and my colony were lost. And I had only my caring about you to give my life any meaning at all. I wanted for things to simply be the way they have been. But there are other things that have been happening also. I'm not... a priest. I've made no vows to stay celibate. I loved and honor my dead wife but I have known since her death that I would not be able to simply let that part of my life end with her. I wanted something more, though during the war I knew it was absurd, and that there was no time for it. And then I realized... that over time... each of you, found that which I had secretly wanted. You found someone. You found each other."

Duo's brows furrowed in confusion. "Wufei... you're confusing me. In one breath you want your privacy.. then in the other you.. well I don't know what you want but you seem to feel you're an outsider."

Duo meant no harm but Trowa gently stilled him. "Wufei... we've tried to give you your privacy. It is unfortunate that this happened the way it did. Yes, we found each other.. all of us. There is more to this 'team' then just our soldiering skills."

Wufei turned around and his eyes were full of fire. He looked at Duo. "I didn't say I blamed you," he said, his voice stiff but it was becoming evident that the stiffness was an attempt to keep control over intense emotions. "You don't need to rub it in that I've placed myself in this position... I know it. It might seem easy to you that I should... what? 'Loosen up'? 'Take it easy'?"

Duo had been looking chastised but at this he looked up hurt. "No, that's not what I was saying or meaning to imply at all."

Trowa held up an elegant hand in a silent gesture and Duo bit off the rest of what he was going to say. Both boys waited for Wufei to continue.

"It doesn't matter. I said, I don't blame you. I know who is to blame in all of this, don't you understand?" Wufei blinked, then swallowed. "I am what I am. I don't lay it at your door. But do you think that makes it any easier for me when night falls and the house gets quiet except for..."

"Wufei... you said when we started this, that it was time for us to make a decision and for you to make a decision. To an extent it sounds as if you've already made a decision. Is it the best for you... I can't answer that. Anything that might come from our lips now, I fear you will only see as 'trying to placate you' that you won't be able to clearly judge the sincerity." Trowa spoke in the same quiet, soothing tones he used when the lions were upset, only this time they were meant to soothe a hurt young dragon.

"Trowa," Heero said. "Sincerity isn't important, not in this. We can only judge each other on our actions not our intent and... my action is that I give Wufei credit for being able to make the decision he must make. We have one to make as well. This is not over. He has more to say."

Duo looked over at Heero, then physically bit his lips. Forcing himself to shut up. Trowa bowed his head in acknowledgment and turned to look at a very quiet Quatre for a moment before looking back to Wufei.

Wufei was watching Heero. Heero looked back. "Go ahead. Say it all. All the things you have bottled up in there. Then there won't be any more surprises. I can listen to all of it, no matter how bad it is. So can they, although they don't know it yet," Heero pressed.

Wufei took a breath. His eyes flickered and suddenly Duo could see something he'd never noticed before. The emotion in Wufei's eyes was one of a deep and almost painful admiration when he looked at Heero.

"I don't know," Wufei said, addressing Heero's last words. "But I owe you so I will do as you say. The rest... I have wanted." He turned around and faced the window again. "I have wanted to be with each of you at one time or other. Had fantasies. Fantasies are harmless aren't they? I thought so. I thought I could just do what I knew how to do... be Chang Wufei... be what you knew and expected. Stubborn, difficult, but if nothing else, there for you in any situation involving danger. Since the war ended... haven't you thought it odd that I drifted back, and didn't go off on my own as I used to do? I thought if I could be here, maybe I could give my life for one of you. That would have given it meaning. But I'm not master of my own feelings, no matter that I spend so much time trying to be. It's easy for little resentments to happen. It's easy for them to grow. It's easy to feel like I'm outside... then act like it... then feel it more... act like it more... I thought I could keep the balance."

He turned back around. "Then this mission came up." He looked at Heero first, then Trowa, then Quatre and Duo. "And I found out there was no balance. I wanted to do what I had to do. And I didn't want to do it. I hated myself and I wanted to die before doing it. I did hesitate. I did nearly blow it. Then I forced it through. I still don't know which one would have been worse, what happened or what might have."

It took every ounce of courage for Quatre to listen to this, but he did, even watched Wufei's face throughout. Duo looked truly speechless and had in fact stopped gnawing on his lips. Trowa's green eyes were... impossible to read, but their expression was not 'closed.'

Wufei's voice stopped and there was a little silence. He looked at Duo. "I don't expect anything from any of you... I want you to understand that. I don't want to have my nose rubbed in it any more... that you try to be my friend and I push you away. I know it. It makes me loathe myself but I can't contain what I feel sometimes. When that happens I have to shut the world out to keep it in. Believe me, you're better off not seeing inside me at those times."

Trowa nodded a little, understanding to an extent from his own experience. Quatre and Duo both looked... baffled. Such an idea was almost alien to both of them. But also there was the expression that both were trying their best to work their minds around a concept they did not understand.

Wufei glanced at Heero. "I guess that's it. I'm not what you have always thought. And you only thought that because I presented it. It was... the best compromise I had. I don't know if I even have one any more. I'd still be happy to die for any one of you. It's living that I can't seem to keep a handle on."

Quatre's head snapped up and he looked like he was going to say something. His blue-green eyes flashed quickly, then went very still as he instead turned his in drawn breath into an exhale.

For Duo, that concept made it a little easier to use to put things into perspective.

Heero waited a moment, looking from one to the other. His eyes met Trowa's for a long moment. "So... now the deal was that we would tell you where you stood with us. The only way to do that is for each of us to do so."

Trowa looked over at Duo and Quatre, neither of whom seemed ready to speak. Stepping smoothly into the void of silence his soft tone picked up the conversation.

"It is a difficult balance you seek to maintain Wufei. It is little wonder that you suffer beneath it. I can understand wishing to back away.. to take a breather. Things can be very intense. I ... would like to see us work... for a solution we could all live with. I will ask to be allowed to accept some of the responsibility for this situation. "

Wufei looked at Trowa darkly, his eyes denying that request for responsibility, but he pressed his lips together and said nothing.

Duo watched the exchange and gnawed on his lip. He looked over at Heero, studying his lover's face. Seeing something there he turned back.

"I wish I could claim I understood all of this Wufei, but I can't and I won't insult you by saying it. I like our team... I like that we all found each other.. not just the pairings.. but all of us together. We took on the damn universe and survived when I don't think any one of us alone would have made it. I'm not going to try to force you to do something you don't think you can. But I'm not going to just give up if there is something here we can all work with."

Wufei took a breath and let it out. "I don't understand you either, baka," he said softly. "Last night when you came running out of the house with a gun in your hand... that I understood. It's one of the only things you've ever done that I understood."

Duo nodded a little, looking over at Heero again, then back to Wufei with a little shrug. "I was just acting on my emotions. However, I'm glad I didn't pull the trigger." He said in a wry tone.

Wufei looked back. "It wouldn't have been.... meaningless," he said softly. Suddenly it was there in his eyes. I fear a meaningless death.

Duo caught that look and right there was something the braided boy could completely relate to.

Heero said, "Quatre."

Quatre sat there, looking as if there were things he wanted to say... but couldn't. Trowa watched the smaller boy closely. It took a few minutes but Quatre finally worked out. "You have to do what you must Wufei." His sweet tones very quiet and highly strained. Trowa's green eyes narrowed a little, he hadn't heard that tone in Quatre's voice since the time Quatre had spoken to him in the throes of the Zero systems control.

Wufei met the aqua eyes with his dark ones. He walked over to where Quatre sat and knelt, then kissed Quatre on the mouth. Tasting fear, he looked up, shaking his head.

"Courage, little one," he said softly. "Both of us." Then he stood and walked back to his place by the window.

Trowa gave Quatre's wrist a quick squeeze. The small blonde looked as if he wanted to explode in about 12 different directions.. say so many things.. but for the moment he held it all in. Trowa shifted a little, just a touch, taking Quatre out of Heero's direct line of sight. Protecting the small blonde from the intensity of the other boy's indigo eyes.

"I guess that leaves me," Heero said. "I don't have a lot to say. You should have told us before this. That you were having problems. But I understand why you didn't. I understand real well. I was lucky. You weren't. There's not that much difference between us. And I don't think I would have handled what you have as well as you handle it. When we were on the mission, and the worst stuff was happening, I thought about Duo... I remembered the smell of his hair and the feel of his lips. What.... I asked myself... what would you think about... and I don't know the answer."

"Neither do I," Wufei whispered, staring at the Japanese boy.

The quiet was pierced by the squeak of a communicator from the desk. Quatre nearly banged into the table so quickly did he stand and skitter towards his desk. The physical activity obviously welcome.

Duo looked quietly at Heero, his heart for a moment in his violet eyes before he turned and looked to Wufei. Trowa watched Quatre for a moment, then also turned to look to Wufei.

Wufei looked at his feet, then glanced up, seeking Quatre by the desk, waiting to hear the reason for the call.

Quatre read the information coming over the communicator and his troubled expression grew but shifted in it's focus. Turning he toggled on the printer, letting the quiet laser go to work before looking and seeing Wufei. He moved out from behind the desk. Putting work physically behind him for the moment.

Their conversation was more important.

"What is it?" Wufei said.

Quatre pressed his lips together looking as if he's going to go stubborn but seemed to realize he'd defeat his own purpose. "Mission objective for Duo and I."

Wufei's eyes closed. It seemed like some kind of demonic justice. "I... I... I'm not leaving," he said at last. "Unless you want me to. I'm... sorry if this was... awkward for everyone. I'll... I figure something out. And if I don't I'll.. I'll make sure it doesn't interfere with a mission. Is that good enough?"

Quatre swallowed tightly as he answered. " I certainly do NOT want you to leave. As for the rest. Can we take it one day at a time?"

"That's the only way any of us can take anything," Heero said simply. "Wufei... next time, if you can't talk to any of these bakas, come to me. I'll listen."

Wufei blinked rapidly, then schooled his expression and nodded. "All right, Yuy. I'll do it if I have to."

Duo nodded his agreement with Heero's words and offer. Then he looked to Quatre, who was leaning over the desk and collecting the papers from the printer.

The American stood, moving towards Quatre as he spoke over his shoulder to Heero and Wufei.

"Yeah, Heero's real good at listening. A good thing too since I'm real good at talking." Duo said the words with a warm twinkle in his violet eyes and a quick wink to Wufei.

Wufei watched Quatre and Duo looking over the papers. This was wrong. Sally... should have given them all a break after the hell of the last mission.

If only Sally had a say in this. As it stood, Quatre pointed two words out to Duo. Duo sneered at the first then blinked puzzled at the second. Quatre gave him a pointed look and Duo exhaled very slowly as the piece of the puzzle fell into place.

"Hmm... fascinating captain." Duo spoke in a wry tone, mimicking a character on an old T.V show he liked to watch.

"Mmm." Quatre's noncommittal response would have done Trowa proud.

"Well.. hate to bond and run... " Duo sighed as he moved from the desk towards the door. Quatre quickly dropped the papers through the shredder and followed.

"When?" Heero asked succinctly.

"Immediately. Here on Earth. We're assisting someone. Should be back in 24 hours." Quatre answered as he and Duo swept out the door.

End Part 7

Laekin and bonnejeanne

Please send comments to: seregill@aol.com or bonnejeanne@yahoo.com

On to Part 8

Back to Part 6

Back to the Series Index

Back to Laekin's page