Shades of Grey by Laekin and bonnejeanne

Part Four

As Duo's howl of pain echoed through the night Wufei closed his eyes, feeling his bones turn to water. He sagged to the ground, wishing it would swallow him. He briefly glanced towards where the gun landed, but decided he couldn't allow himself that much cowardice.

Quatre saw the look, however and with a wriggle like a small ferret, managed to scrabble out of Heero's hold. Landing hard on his knees he jumped up to his feet and darted to the weapon, grabbing it up and quickly ejecting the clip and then emptying the chamber. His small hands look ill suited to the work they perform so deftly.

Quatre quickly pocketed the clip, bending down to swipe the other bullet off the ground. Straightening he tucked the gun into his waistband then stepped back away from anyone who might try to grab it. Looking at Duo, he moved till he stood between the American and Wufei. Forcing his voice to be calm, though his slender body trembled.

"We will talk about this in the morning. When we're all here. Not tonight."

Heero went to Duo, coming as close as he could, wanting to wrap his arms around him. He looked over Duo's shoulder at Quatre. "No," he said, voicing his disagreement. "Duo doesn't have to wait. He wants to talk, we talk now." It was a long speech for him and his tone was the 'no argument will prevail' one.

Quatre looked to be about in a mood to stand up to Heero but in the end he took a graceful step back. It was in Duo's hands. Duo looked at Wufei, calmer now he could remember the flash of relief that had glinted in Wufei's eye when Wufei thought he was going to shoot him. Looking at Quatre, then back to Heero Duo spoke in a strained voice.

"What happened.. and why?"

Wufei pulled himself together, sitting on the ground with his arms around his knees and his head bowed. "I did it," he said, lifting his head only slightly. "What more needs to be said? I'm ready for justice, if you are to deliver it."

Duo trembled with the need to grab his gun. In fact his eyes flickered towards Quatre who took another step back, putting his own small hand on the weapon. Sighing, Duo looked at Heero.

"It's not my justice to met out. It's yours." Duo said to his lover.

Heero shook his head. "Quatre's right," he said stiffly. "It was required by the mission." There was something else in his eyes but it was not coming out just yet.

Duo swallowed the bile sitting in the back of his throat. He looked back and forth between Wufei's bowed head and Heero's eyes.

"Why?" He whispered again in that taut, strained tone. His violet eyes filled with pain and confusion.

"We had bad intel," Heero said briefly. "Didn't know how bad it would get. The faction leader was a psycho."

When Heero paused Wufei broke the silence.

"Say the rest," he said almost inaudibly. Then louder, "Say the rest!"

Heero didn't answer right away. Then he said, "I saw... that you wanted to."

Duo wheeled around, the growl rebuilding in his throat. Quatre spun about, once again stepping in between the enraged Duo and the self-destructive Wufei. Duo bounced off Quatre's hand and danced back on the balls of his feet, trying to judge a way around the small blonde.

Wufei bowed his head to his knees. "Yes," he whispered, unaware if anyone was even listening. "I wanted... but not like that... never like that... I'm not... an actor... I can't... pretend... I had to find a way... to make it work..." Unable to go on, he simply sat there, shaking a little with the force of his emotions of self-loathing and loss.

Duo was listening, but he wasn't listening closely enough. All he heard was 'Yes I wanted..' and he wheeled around and charged at Quatre. In the next moment there came the sound of flesh cracking into flesh as Duo ran smack into Quatre's right hook.

Duo bounced back in shock more then hurt. Quatre took advantage of the momentary stagger and grabbed the back of Duo's neck and ground out through his teeth.

"Listen to them.. BOTH of them."

"I saw... that it was real," Heero said. Then, "So did the psycho. It's the reason he believed you... and didn't kill us."

Duo stood there blinking. After a moment his eyes flickered to Quatre's. Reading the acknowledgment that this is how he's heard it as well. That the pieces fit. That no one was pulling a fast one on Duo at the moment. It took a moment but Duo slowed his breathing to a more normal pace then looked over Quatre's shoulder at Wufei then back at Heero.

"Mission Integrity?" He choked out.

Heero nodded slowly. "Hn." But his eyes returned to Wufei.

"It doesn't excuse anything," Wufei whispered bitterly.

Duo gave his head a shake and Quatre obligingly released the scruff of his neck.

"Yeah.. well." Duo paused, having a hard time finding the words to continue.

Wufei forced himself to take a deep breath. "It's best if I go," he said finally. "It will take five minutes to get my things."

Quatre's voice was quick and to the point. "No. That won't solve anything. We're going to have to work through this." He gave Heero another look then Duo.

"There's nothing to work through," Wufei said in a dead tone. "It's done, over. If I stay... the team goes to hell."

Heero kept silent. Duo was still finding it hard to look at any of his team mates.

"Would you all rather be dead?" Quatre spoke in a very matter of fact voice, even though he felt anything but matter of fact. Looking from Duo to Wufei to Heero and back.

"Because if that is the case why didn't you let them do it up in space and get it over with? Heero? You could have blown your cover... a quick gun shot over. Wufei.. you also could have blown your cover.. tell me would they have shot you first? Or Trowa? Or Heero do you think? Do you think this psycho would have decided to have his fun anyway then kill Heero? Or who knows.. maybe he was one of those who liked to play with already dead bodies." This last bit said to Duo.

"That's not the point," Heero said. "I agree it was mission integrity. It kept us alive and we got what we went for besides. That's not what this is about."

"No. What it is about will need to be worked out! Because if we just blow apart our separate ways seeking out personal honor through self flagellation then we destroy the team." Quatre wheeled on Wufei. "You leave, then Heero will suck this all in till it eats him apart, which will slowly drive you crazy Duo. Leaving, is not an option. Not unless all your damned senses of personal honor are that much more important then what we've fought to build and maintain for the past 3 years."

"Not my... honor, no," Wufei whispered, and his eyes met Quatre's, showing naked pain that seemed to go on forever. "My sanity..."

Heero's eyes narrowed ever so slightly and he nodded.

Quatre pinned Wufei with a direct look. "Running away is not going to fix that either."

Wufei bowed his head again, thinking, probably nothing would 'fix' it. "I need to go."

Heero glanced at Quatre. "The point isn't what he did... it's that he almost didn't. He's been holding back so much emotion, it almost compromised the mission."

One pale brow went quirking into the small blonde's hairline. But again he waited, back to that quiet nonjudgmental patience, though his eyes were now curious. Duo straightened a little, his puzzlement more easily read on his face.

Wufei backed up until he was leaning against the willow trunk.

Heero turned to face him. "I thought you were going to let me die... or worse, get raped by that animal fanatic," he said quietly. "I need to know I can trust you... your emotions... you have to give up keeping them in if it means you can't do what's required."

Wufei swallowed, but his eyes dragged up to meet Heero's. His heart was beating very fast. Finally, he licked his lips, and nodded.

"Good," Heero said. He took a deep breath. "Now we can schedule a talk about it, for when Trowa gets back. We find out what you've been holding back. You find out where you stand."

Wufei closed his eyes, then opened them. "Agreed."

Duo moved then, stepping over to where Heero stood and coming up behind him. A quick flicker of his eyes towards Wufei as he wrapped an arm around Heero's waist.

"I promise not to try to kill yah again. In the meantime."

Wufei looked at Duo. "Thank you," he said formally. "I promise... not to do anything either."

Duo nodded, almost agreeably than gently tugged on Heero, coaxing him back towards the house. Heero went easily enough, letting the tension drain from his shoulders step by step.

Once they were back in their room, Duo paced like a restless cat. He didn't say anything, he didn't even mumble as he was wont to do when pacing. Just walked the width of the room, stopped, turned and walked back. Unerringly dodging the walls, furniture and dirty socks.

Heero, appearing suddenly drained of energy which was unusual to the point of unheard of for him, dropped on the bed. Not laying but sitting with his back against the wall. He watched Duo pace. The image of Duo sighting his weapon on Wufei was like an afterimage that seemed to ghost in front of what ever Heero looked at.

Finally, he said, "I wanted to kill him too, but it passed."

Duo hesitated in midstep and looked over at Heero, his hair was starting to get tangled as it whipped across his irate features. The muscles along his jaw knotted as he listened to Heero's words but seemed to have none of his own at the moment.

Turning he resumed his near frantic pacing back and forth, his hands reaching up in an automatic gesture to begin to braid his hair back away from his face. Not all the way down, just enough to pull it out of his eyes and mouth as he paced and spun.

"Don't you want to talk about it?" Heero said, knowing it for the irony it was. Usually it was Duo who tried to pry things out of the taciturn Wing pilot.

Without ever slackening his pacing, Duo's expressive hands lifted and began to flutter. "I... should have pulled the damn trigger. I had the shot lined up as early as over Quatre's shoulder. Mission Integrity my *ass*. You both said that he.. he liked it." Duo's voice raised to an almost painful pitch and he swung around violently in the apex of his turn, pacing back the other way. Wearing a hole in the carpet.

Heero took a breath and then pulled from his reserves. He was up and in front of Duo in an instant, pushing him up against the wall. He looked into the wide violet eyes that were now so clouded with anger, pain... things he couldn't even recognize.

"No," Heero said, his voice low and emphatic. "That's not what he said, and that's not what I said or agreed to. He said... he wanted it. That's what I saw. There's a difference. You want to know what the difference is?"

Duo broke the hold shaking, his head violently. "No. I've heard enough tonight."

He paced over to the small dresser and picked up his brush. Shaking his head a little to loosen the small braid at the very back of his skull he began to run the brush through his hair with suppressed violence. Not even hissing or whining when he caught a snag and yanked through it.

"You've both agreed that we'd discuss this in the morning. Besides, you're tired." A lot of the hostility in Duo's voice leeched out on those last three words.

Heero leaned against the wall after Duo pulled away, with his face towards it. He *was* tired. But that was unimportant, as it often was. He heard Duo's words, but continued as if he hadn't, answering his own question.

"The difference is simple. He wanted something other than rape. And Duo... he *didn't* *enjoy* it. I saw and felt that too." Heero closed his eyes for a moment. "I saw his eyes. He was in hell. I didn't have any fun either but on the whole... I wouldn't have traded places with him, all things being equal."

Duo listened to the quietly spoken words as his fingers fumbled with the braid. Twice he was forced to go back and start it again. Each time Duo concentrated on making his fingers to move more slowly. The tension lines still taut in his form but the frantic air seemed to leave him.

"There must have been something else he could have done. There must have been another way." Even as he said it, his tone belied the words, showing that he didn't believe his own words. Getting a little further down on the braid, keeping it tight he flicked the end over his shoulder and tied it off. Then he leaned his hands against the dresser.

After a moment... all the held in fury erupted and Duo found himself cursing to beat the band while his right foot battered against the bottom drawer of the dresser.

"There *should* have been something else. There wasn't," Heero said, turning around and sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. "That wasn't his fault. Mission intel was screwed. Trowa and I weren't supposed to be 'offerings'. Instead we thought we were all supposed to be from some other faction negotiating a deal. Things went south from the time we got there. We were all forced to play parts we hadn't prepared for. Duo... there was no intel that the faction leader had a cultural prejudice. There should have been. It wasn't something he kept as a secret. We were screwed. What happened... we did what we always try to do. We salvaged it. We were lucky to make it out of there alive."

Duo flipped his braid back over his shoulder and slumped against the dresser. Letting his body slide down along the piece of furniture till he was sitting, looking up at the lazy turn of the ceiling fan. Though he refused to let them drop, tears made his violet eyes shine.

"Another curve ball for the pilots." He shook his head banging it lightly on the drawer behind his back.

"I guess..." Duo stopped, the anger for the most part having leeched out of him now. Having blown up, nearly shot both Quatre and Wufei, and knocked his dresser drawer out of alignment, he seemed much calmer. Pushing himself up to his feet he walked over to where Heero sat against the wall. Holding out his hands towards his lover.

"Come on. You should be in bed."

Heero took the hand and got up, concentrating on not wavering on his feet. The sight of tears in his lover's eyes tore him deeply. "*We* should," he corrected, allowing himself to be led.

As soon as Heero was standing, Duo slid an arm around his waist, helping to keep the swaying boy upright as they stepped around a pile of dirty laundry. "I want to go check on Quatre first."

Heero's brows drew together, and he had a brief, vicious struggle with himself. 'Baka,' he thought, 'don't you realize I don't want you an armslength away from me? Don't you understand that I *need* to to stay with me?' Then... 'I've no right.' Having used up a rather large allotment of words for one day, Heero could not make himself speak, the conflict was too deadlocked. He simply looked into Duo's eyes, mutely, terrified of the boy leaving him and not coming back. 'Irrational,' his 'mission' internal voice said coolly. It didn't make the fear go away, though.

Duo stood, torn. He still didn't trust Wufei. He didn't know if he ever would be able to again, but that was something he'd face later. He looked into Heero's eyes and gave a little nod. Hell, Quatre had the gun and knew how to use the damn thing. The little blonde was a better marksmen with hand pistols then Duo himself. Taking a breath he lead them both to the bed, settling Heero into the cool sheets.

"Yeah, you're probably right." He verbally answered Heero's unspoken request for him to say close.

Heero kept his sigh of relief silent, but Duo could feel his chest move. After pulling off his shorts and helping Duo with his jeans, he turned on his side, curling as close to Duo as he could. One hand slipped over stealthily and fastened on the end of the braid, gripping it like a talisman. He felt exhausted, sore, aching in a million places, but his eyes would not close. He simply gazed at the heart-shaped face so close to his, like a small child gazing at the nightlight that will banish the monsters under the bed.

Duo settled on his back. He usually slept curled up around Heero's back but tonight was different. Settling himself back against the pillows he wrapped his arms around his lover, sliding one hand up into tousled dark hair and smoothing through it while the other stroked soothingly along the forearm that had snuck across his chest to get ahold of his braid. He watched the ceiling fan for a long moment, then lowered his dark eyes to look at Heero.

Smiling gently he shifted his fingers so that they could draw along Heero's temples back through his hair. His voice pitched a soothing level. "Go to sleep. I'll keep watch for a while." He grinned a little then... a healing expression more then one of mischief or humor.

Heero gazed at the grin and felt tight muscles begin to relax. That was what he'd been hoping for. Something that would make it right again. His eyelids drooped a fraction. But he wasn't quite ready to succumb yet. He moved his face a little closer and kissed Duo tenderly. It wasn't a violently needy kiss like when he'd first gotten back, though there was need in it. This had a trace of reverence. 'I love you,' the kiss said. This kiss was almost the only way he had of saying the words that so rarely made it from his lips. The words that he knew were traced deeply into his soul.

Duo didn't startle, though he was a little surprised. He returned the soft kiss with a little supportive nuzzle. Answering the silently spoken words as well as filling the caress with his own wordless understanding and belief that things would work out. He'd lost his own faith in those wild moments and the calm that had finally settled in his own heart spoke that he'd found it again. Now he gave it back to Heero, wrapping his lover up in the physical embrace of his arms and the emotional embrace of his soul.

Heero relaxed completely. It wasn't something that happened often, but it was one of those signs of trust that only Duo had ever been privy to. Heero whispered, his lips brushing Duo's cheek as his warm breath could be felt. "In the morning..." he said. Then he closed his eyes.

Duo nodded and tightened his arms around Heero in a wordless hug then laid back himself, letting his eyes focus back up onto the ceiling fan as he carefully began to work through the jumble of emotions the night had served up for him.

Wufei and Quatre watched the two lovers disappear into the house than, Wufei leaned back against the willow, staring out into the night. "Quatre..."

"Yes Wufei?"

"Don't step in front of me when someone is waving a gun around..." Wufei said softly.

Quatre pursed his lips leaning on a willow branch lightly. "I'm sorry my friend, but I can't promise that. I'll do what I feel I must."

Wufei frowned. Shaking his head. "As will I Quatre."

Releasing the willow branch Quatre stepped closer to the troubled young man. Not stopping till he stood right smack dab in Wufei's way. "Does that still include leaving?" The words were Softly spoken in his rich, cultured tone.

"I... don't know," Wufei said slowly. He stepped forward and leaned down slowly to kiss Quatre's forehead. "For what almost was... thanks," he said softly.

Quatre weighed his actions carefully. In the end he lifted up his hand and placed his palm against Wufei's heart, feeling the rapid heart beat beneath his fingers. Quatre watched his fingers for a long moment before looking up into dark troubled eyes.

"Wufei, you've been walking this path alone for too long. You can not continue this way."

Wufei closed his eyes for a moment then opened them. "Perhaps," he said simply. "But it's all I know how to do."

Quatre tilted his head to the side. A part of him screamed to leave the other boy alone.. as Wufei seemed to wish him to do. However, his heart said that walking away now would only seal Wufei's fate. So, once again, Quatre threw himself in the breach.

"We all have to learn change Wufei. Let me help you."

Wufei took several deep breaths. "I don't know..." he said finally. "But... I'll weigh it carefully." He touched Quatre's cheek briefly. "No one has ever done for me what you tried to do," he said quietly. "I won't forget."

Quatre smiled gently, then let his hand trace down and around till he had his arm around Wufei's waist. "That's what friends are for Wufei."

Wufei sighed. Bending down, he kissed Quatre's lips gently. "I want to sleep," he said softly. "Will you rest with me?"

Quatre smiled angelically up at Wufei and gave the waist he had his arm circled about a warm squeeze. "Of course, you didn't think you were shaking me off that easily did you? I'd hate to have to sit outside your door and whimper all night."

Wufei placed a tentative arm around Quatre's shoulders and said, with a ghost of dry humor, "No sense in whimpering apart when we can whimper together, I guess."

"See, you're learning already." Quatre grinned at Wufei, then winced a little at the broken door.

Wufei chose to remain in the main study. He did not want the implications of choosing either his room or Quatre and Trowa's. Settling on the big couch which had plenty of room for himself and one small blonde to be comfortable, Wufei stretched out and offered his shoulder.

Quatre stepped around the room, stashing the gun in his desk, the clip in a drawer and the lone bullet found it's way into a potted plant, then he waited till Wufei was settled before stretching out beside him. With the natural instinct of a born cuddler the little Arabian wrapped himself around Wufei, laying his head on Wufei's shoulder and letting his eyes close.

Tomorrow would bring revelations for them all but for tonight Quatre held his friend and let the time pass in companionable silence.

End Part 4

  (( A little hefty I know, anyone still with us? This was to make up for not getting any Shades out yesterday. :D
Laekin. ))

Laekin and bonnejeanne

Please send comments to: seregill@aol.com or bonnejeanne@yahoo.com

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