The continuation of Gundam Soap! OOC, AU, Cross dressing, Spoof.
Disclaimer: Somebody else is making money from all the free advertising I'm writing!
Rating: PG-13 (because children shouldn't be reading any Yaoi, even only implied versions!)
'Like the sands through the hourglass, so too go the days of our lives.'
Thump. Crash.
'That's the third television this week Yuy! It's coming out of your paycheck!'
Slam.
Heero groaned as he rubbed the temples of his forehead. He was really beginning to hate being stuck in the dorms during the holidays. Maybe he should have taken Duo's offer of a weekend of skiing, then shuddered, as he remembered the hideous scene that had resulted afterwards when Quatre turned up with a counter offer of a week in Bahamas. He hadn't actually been given the chance to choose between the two options, since the two became immediately embroiled in a screaming match, concluding only when a very, very irritated Sally Po had shoved both Quatre and Duo out of the Preventer Headquarters.
There wasn't anything to do around the dorms during the holidays, he couldn't even go classes and he had already finished all his holiday assignments. To be honest, Heero Yuy, premier pilot of Gundam Wing Zero was bored. Bored, bored, bored! No enemies to fight, and ever since he had returned from his leave, he hadn't been assigned to any missions either. Heero glared at the smashed television and swore that no matter how bored he got, that he would never resort to watch that garbage that had been the root of all his troubles last time. He thought about surfing the net but then remembered that Sally had revoked his license when she had gotten the bill from their server for last month. What to do, what to do. Heero sighed and wriggled uncomfortably on the slouching armchair.
'Now then Mr Maxwell, you say that you're having problems in your relationship?'
'Yeah. I know that he loves me but he keeps on denying that he feels anything.' Duo sobbed into his phone.
'Ahhh. Did you say he?'
'Yeah. You have a problem with that?' Duo's voice suddenly turned very hostile.
'No. No. Not at all. Why don't you keep talking?'
'Okay. Well, it's like this. My ah friend, let's call him number one. Number one and I met a few years ago on a boat.'
'Oh. That sounds nice. So what happened then?'
'Well.' Duo shyly twisted his finger around the phone cord as his eyes misted over from the fond memories. 'I shot him. And then I broke him out of the hospital where he was being held. It was destiny, really. Um.' He frowned briefly, disturbed by the choking noises on his phone. 'Are you all right miss?'
'Yes.' Wheezed the voice on the other end, sounding very strained. 'Do go on.'
'I knew that he was my perfect match. We did everything together, we blew up bases, killed enemy troops and oops! Forget the last thing that I said, that's actually a secret.' Duo tittered.
'Secret. Got it. Well, why don't you tell me when you first realized that you and this Number one belonged together?'
'Well.' Duo blushed deeply, even though he knew that the person on the other side couldn't see him. 'It was really when I started watching these really cool television shows. They showed me that when He.. I mean, Number one ignored me that he was really just shy and that since we shared so many special moments that we really should be together.'
'Television shows?' Came a very doubting voice. 'Okay. Um. so what seems to be problem?'
'Basically, He. I mean Number one is in total denial of his feelings. Also, there's this conniving blond who's trying to break us up. I know that He. Number one really loves me but,' Duo started to sob into the mouthpiece, sometimes it's just so hard trying to keep believing in our love. I know that you can help me Deirdre, I've seen what a wonderful psychiatrist you are on Television. How do you think I can convince He.. Number one to accept our love?'
'Ahhh.. Right. I see. Will you hold on just a minute please?' Replied the voice sweetly. Then as Duo avidly clutched the phone he could hear a thumping in the background and someone screeching that they were going to change agents. After which a deep male voice came back to the phone and whispered an apology before the line went dead.
'Well really.' Duo glared at the inoffensive phone as he slammed it back down. Then he stomped out of the public phone booth ignoring the nasty glares from the shivering people waiting in line behind him. That's the last time he was going to turn to Dear Deirdre for help, he decided firmly, tossing his heavy braid behind him.
'No.'
'Heero, it's a mission.'
Heero pouted and crossed his arms on his chest defiantly.
'Never.'
'Yuy, this is an order.'
Heero gave Wufei a withering glare before sniffing disdainfully.
'Heero, it's got to be you. Duo and Quatre has been unavailable since they've been diagnosed as soap addicts and Wufei's teaming up with Sally. That means that you have to be my date for the ball. Please Heero. I don't want to go with a guy.'
Trowa begged the stubborn Japanese desperately.
Heero glared at the pleading pilot with real annoyance and demanded petulantly, 'well why don't you be my date for the ball? You can wear the dress.'
Wufei snickered rudely as Trowa silently pointed to his heavy bang and said, 'but you look much better in a dress than me.'
Heero glowered sullenly as Trowa once more held out the simmering pink gown. 'I don't look good in pink.' He snapped out at last.
Trowa beamed widely and dropped the foamy mess in Heero's reluctant arms. 'That's okay. We've got a few more dresses for you to look at before you make your final choice.' He grabbed Heero's hand and started dragging the unhappy pilot behind him.
Wufei smirked to himself and dashed over to the phone. He couldn't wait to hear Quatre and Duo's reactions when they heard that Heero Yuy was going to the Oz ball, dressed as a girl, no less.
Later that evening.
Heero blinked, dazed by the flashes that surrounded him. He looked mutely at the reporters who shoved each other viciously to try to get a good picture as he slowly descended the spiral stairs in his shimmering white gown. He paused hesitantly at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for Trowa who had to jostle through a lot of uncooperative men to finally reach his side, and held out a hand, clad daintily in lace gloves.
Trowa beamed proudly as he led the exquisite beauty to the ballroom, almost bursting with glee as he saw the envious looks on the onlooking men's faces. He patted the small hand resting on his sleeve in a smug proprietary gesture, admiring the slender white neck that rose from the filmy shroud, and bedazzled by the large blue eyes that smouldered underneath the thick dark curls that fell entrancingly around the elfin face. Heero smiled, his soft red lips parting slightly as he leaned towards Trowa and whispered softly, 'get your paw off my hand or I'll gut you.'
'What a handsome couple.'
'She's so gorgeous. I love her hair, so wild and exciting, don't you think?'
'Where did she get that dress?'
Large green eyes peered out from behind the heavy burgundy drapes surrounding the ballroom, staring anxiously after the glamorous couple as they started dancing. 'Heero.' He sighed with melancholy. Then, 'Trowa', he breathed sadly. 'Betrayed,' he whispered to himself, 'by two that I loved most.' Unnoticed, by the other side of the drapes, a pair of violet eye also peered out, his attention glued to the dancing pair. 'That rotten, treacherous Trowa,' Duo gnawed on the edge of the drape nervously as he looked at the two, 'I knew he couldn't be trusted. That's my Heero he's dancing with.'
Heero smiled sweetly into Trowa's eyes, thinking that he was going to kick the tall pilot if his hand dipped any lower on his back. Trowa smiled back at Heero, thinking what a beautiful girl he made. He stumbled slightly, wincing painfully as Heero gave him a sudden kick in the heels. He blinked and adjusted his hands a little. What a temper she has, he thought fondly, already forgetting that the girl in his arms was really one of his fellow pilots.
Wufei looked at the beauty in Trowa's arms with dark curls and shook his head. 'That's Heero.' He reminded himself, gulping the drink that Sally had gotten him. 'He's a guy.' He muttered to himself, oblivious to the eager glances that Sally was throwing towards the dance floor.
Duo reached out adroitly and snagged a drink off the passing tray, to drown his sorrows as he retired behind the alcove. He started as he realized that he wasn't alone, then as he began stammering his apologies, his eyes adapted to the darker room and he glared suspiciously at the moping blond. 'What are you doing here?'
'Me!' Quatre squealed in outrage as he glared back at the American. 'What are you doing here! You could jeopardize Heero's mission! Worse, his life could be in danger if he's discovered because of you.'
'Me!' Duo snarled back, unconsciously echoing Quatre. 'What about you! Why are you here? Who told you about this anyway.' He broke off as both pilots came to the same conclusion, 'Wufei.' They muttered in unison. 'Look, I'm not going to do anything. I'm just here in case Heero needs backup that's all. And also to keep an eye on Trowa. That Casanova.' Duo snapped as he returned to his original position, peeking out from the side of the drape.
'Well. So am I.' Quatre retorted defiantly as he too returned to his position, drooping noticeably as he saw that Heero was still dancing in Trowa's arms.
Heero bared his teeth prettily, giving Trowa a seductive look from under his long dark lashes, as he leaned closer and murmured, 'exactly how long do we have to keep dancing Trowa? My feet are beginning to hurt in these stupid shoes.'
Trowa sighed happily, 'Forever.' Then hastily added an amendment as Heero gave him another little kick to the heels. 'I mean, till supper, then I'll point out the target and you can seduce him.' That is, he corrected, wincing painfully as he received yet another kick, 'you can lure him into the garden and Wufei and I will take over and,'
'And' Heero added with a gleeful gleam in his eyes, 'then we can kill him.'
'Ah no.' Trowa replied, sorry to deprive his darling of the light that had sparked in his eyes, 'Actually, Wufei and I will be abducting him. Then while you and Sally provide us with a distraction, we'll leave the ball and you ladies,' he winced again, 'lady and gentleman can come home. Okay?' Trowa began to wonder if he would be able to walk properly after all his dancing with Heero.
Heero pouted adorably and Trowa completely forgot the throbbing ache in his ankle. 'Are you sure that I can't kill him. I want somebody to die for tonight.' Trowa smiled blissfully and nodded absently, his mind on the enchanting way one of the dark curls danced and bobbed near Heero's ears as they danced.
Duo bit his hand as he saw Trowa and Heero dance past him, their eyes locked together. He wished that he had never listened to Wufei.
Quatre narrowed his eyes as breathless gushing arose whenever the radiant pair swung past. He swore that he would get Heero back if it was the last thing that he did. He blamed Wufei bitterly for not discouraging this dreadful farce that was taking place in front of him.
Wufei bit into the cake that Sally had given him, almost biting his tongue as he gaped at Heero who seemed to be shimmering, as he swirled past in Trowa's arms. He wished that he had been assigned as Heero's partner in Trowa's stead. He was beginning to suspect that the tall pilot had dishonourable intentions towards the dark beauty and ached to defend her honour. Sally stared at Wufei who continued to chomp his way through the chocolate cake, without even a glance in her direction and sighed disconsolately. She wished that she had listened to Une who had advised her to take Zechs instead.
In the garden.
'Hey, be careful. You almost killed him, Yuy.'
'Yeah? Well. Serves him right, that disgusting pervert. Did you know where he put his hands?'
'What! How dare he! Let me defend your honour. The scoundrel.'
'Wufei! Don't you dare! Put that sword away now.'
'You can't tell me what to do woman.'
'I'm not a woman. I'm your commanding officer. And I'm telling you to put away that sword. Now.'
Wufei obeyed sullenly as he backed away from the unconscious man on the ground. Sally breathed a sigh of relief then turned to the pilot of Wing Zero who was eyeing the body with a nasty gleam in his eyes.
'Come on Heero. It's time for us to create a diversion so that we can all get out of here.'
Heero picked up the train of his dress and sullenly fell behind Sally, muttering under his breath. Sally at that moment had wisely chosen to become deaf so she didn't hear all the things that he intended to do once they were back at the base.
Wufei stared at the disappearing vision in white and turned to his fellow pilot, and they then silently heaved up the unconscious man between them and started to walk towards their car, all the whilst wishing that the man had been at least 5 kgs lighter.
Back in the ballroom.
Duo munched mournfully on the appetiser that he had grabbed off a passing tray, refusing to share the bento that Quatre had thoughtfully prepared himself with. He continued his sullen surveillance, perking up noticeably as he saw that Heero had returned to the ballroom, this time, without Trowa by his side. He scowled as he realized that he hadn't been the only one to observe this lack, and clutched the drape frantically as men started to crowd around Heero.
Quatre sipped his tea calmly, determined that he was not going to allow this single mission to disturb his centre of equilibrium.
'Why that filthy. Get you hands off him you creep!'
Quatre jumped to his feet, alarmed by Duo's snarls and quickly joined him at the drape. A low growl escaped from his throat as he saw Heero being grabbed around the waist by one of the more daring suitors surrounding him. He swiftly returned to his pack and dragged out a bazooka, shrugging nonchalantly when Duo gave him a wide-eyed glance. 'Hey, always be prepared.' He returned to Duo's side, the bazooka in his hands, as he glared out from behind the drapes, determined to go to Heero's rescue.
Near the door.
One of the waiters nudged the other in the waist and nodded in the direction of the twitching drapes.
'I'm telling you. There's something strange about those drapes. Every time I pass by with a tray, something always disappears. And I keep hearing strange muttering coming from inside.'
His friend looked at the drapes and shook his head in resignation. 'Party crashers. It's like asking for them. I mean look at those drapes, they go all over the room and there are little hidden alcoves everywhere. Don't pay any attention to them. Just take the champagne around again.'
On the floor.
'You have beautiful eyes.'
The Colonel gazed into Heero's eyes, as he inched his hands even further down his back.
Heero lifted his lovely face and smiled sweetly, noticing that the Colonel's eyes had become totally vacant. He pushed himself away from the clutching hands carefully and thought about Sally's orders to create a distraction. Then he deliberately stepped on the train of the dress, and fell into the Colonel's arms, tearing his dress at the shoulder and letting out a loud scream.
A sudden hush descended on the ballroom as Heero burst into tears, and slapped his astounded partner resoundingly on the cheek. Even as the Colonel stepped backwards stammering an apology, several of the men waiting to dance with Heero began to step forward muttering ominously. Heero wondered if he should start running out of the room, even as he kept his face buried in his hands, making sure that everyone could see the torn segment, and the bare flesh of his arm underneath.
Even as Sally started forward, hiding a triumphant grin, to help the distraught woman, she was interrupted by a sudden explosion of a bazooka going off in the ballroom, smashing the crystal chandelier. As everyone screamed and started to run, she saw Quatre and Duo emerging from behind the drapes and swore furiously as they ran towards Heero, who took one look at them and wisely took to his heels. She decided that she would have their ears broiled for breakfast as soon as she managed to get out of the messy situation and fled through the nearest exit, wishing that her dress wasn't quite so long.
Heero panted as he continued to run desperately in his painful heels, occasionally swatting any helpful hands that appeared near him. He was determined to get out of this alive, so that he could kill Duo and Quatre. He swore and kicked off one of his shoes as he half ran, half fell down the stairs of the building. As he rushed inside the waiting car, Sally already starting the engine, he failed to notice the tall handsome blue haired man who had picked up the slipper that he dropped.
'What happened?' Wufei asked curiously, his eyes narrowing dangerously as he took in Heero's dishevelled state. 'Who did this to you? By Justice I will,'
'Shut up!' Heero and Sally yelled out together, as the car turned around with a large squeal and sped away.
Wufei looked a bit hurt then, to the combined relief of Heero and Sally, both of whom shared a rather frantic expression, and fell silent. Heero patted his hair, noticing that the curls were stumbling wildly around his face, and finally noticed that one of his slippers was missing. He sighed as he pulled up the torn shoulder of his dress and dreamt about soaking his aching feet, not to mention body, into the hot bubble bath in his room at the Preventer Headquarters. He never liked Treize but he had to admit that the guy's fixation with bubble baths were handy now and then. He wriggled uncomfortably in his dress, not noticing the red flush in Wufei's cheeks as he stared at him from the backseat. However, Trowa noticed and he poked the pilot of Shenlong in the side with his elbow.
'That's my date.' He whispered to Wufei who glared at him.
'This is all your fault.' Duo glared at Quatre from his cell.
'My fault!' Quatre screeched and lunged at Duo, swearing furiously when he slammed heavily against the bars of his own cell. 'If you haven't started interfering in my relationship with Heero then I wouldn't have been placed on forced leave from the Preventers. And Heero would have been my date at the ball.'
Duo jumped to his feet and gripped the bars of his cell, his eyes sparking with rage. 'It is too all your fault. You were the one who brought the bazooka and you were the one who fired at that pervert who was feeling Heero up! And now look at me. I'm in jail! And Une has threatened to throw me off the Preventers! Then I'll never see Heero again. Waaaaaah.' He began sobbing and threw himself on the bed in his cell.
Quatre glared at the crying boy then picked up his tin cup and threw it at his head.
'Ow!'
Duo scrabbled for the tin cup and threw it back at the blond, cheering loudly when it hit the blond in the shoulder as he started to back away.
'Take that! You evil miscreant. And stay away from Heero, you hear me!'
Une reached forward and killed the sound on the monitor before swinging her chair back to face Sally who had been standing at attention in front of her desk.
'I'm troubled Commander by the obvious instability being displayed by both Winner and Maxwell. And you say that this all started when last summer when Maxwell became addicted to watching daytime soaps?'
Sally nodded grimly.
Une glanced at the long report and grimaced as she started to read out some of the extracts from Maxwell's debriefing.
Heero and I were meant to be together.
She gave a pained glance to the pilot of Wing Zero whose only reaction was a brief twitch in his hands.
I knew that Relena was evil and had to be stopped. She wouldn't be able to stand in the way of our true love. I'll make sure of that.
Une shook her head sadly, remembering the complaints from Ms Peacecraft about the harassing letters and calls from Maxwell. She wished that she had taken this more seriously back then.
Quatre is nothing but a conniving bitch who's after Heero's body.
She again glanced back at the silent Japanese who was curling his fingers as though he was practicing throttling someone and almost felt an unwilling pang of sympathy at what he must have endured.
Duo is a jealous nut who has to be stopped. I know that Heero doesn't really love him.
She raised incredulous eyes to Sally who winced and muttered, 'Apparently it's contagious. Winner seemed to have gotten infected a few weeks after Duo.'
I can offer Heero a better life. I know that I can make him happy.
She tsked under her breath as Heero started to grind his teeth. And to think that she had initially blamed all of this on him, she sighed with remorse and continued reading.
I knew that Une couldn't be trusted, her evil twin has returned.
Une blinked, her expression going blank as she checked the name of the person who had made the statement.
'Wufei?' She asked Sally, who bit her lips and nodded silently. 'When?'
'About two months ago, we think. We aren't sure because well, we didn't notice a huge difference in his behaviour at first.'
Une flipped to the next page, feeling a strong sense of unease as she read on.
It was wonderful to know that Relena and her long lost brother have been reunited. And I know that if I'm patient, then I'll be able to find my long lost sister one day as well. And we'll be so happy at last.
Une groaned as she looked at the name next to the statement, Trowa Barton. She looked at Heero who snorted softly as he folded his arms and waited for her to finish.
'It looks like I owe you an apology Heero Yuy.' She said at last, folding her hands in front of him. 'I had no idea that your fellow pilots have been so thoroughly contaminated by this addiction of theirs to daytime soaps. Apparently,' she tapped the accompanying report from the psychiatrists who had examined all four pilots, 'their perceptions of reality have been warped from their continuous exposure to the pathological and dysfunctional behaviour they had been observing. And now they interpret everything in accordance with what happens in these soaps. The infection started from Maxwell who has chosen to fixate on you as his romantic interest,' she paused to wait for Heero to stop choking, 'and has spread to the others who has also accepted you as the centre of their lives. Unfortunately, the doctors haven't been able to offer any suggestions of a cure, except that as long as we play along with their rules, the others should be able to continue functioning normally.'
Heero stared at her with incredulous eyes as she passed the report from the psychiatrists to him.
'So I suggest that you read up on these suggestions of how you should be behaving, so that you don't disturb the other pilots too much from their new perceptions of reality. According to the report, any attempt to convince them that they are behaving abnormally could induce a stress driven response that could lead to potentially dangerous actions on their part.'
He turned agonised eyes on Sally who looked away from him guiltily. She had shuddered when she had been given her own copy of the report with its suggestions on how she was to approach her role but orders, she squared her shoulders firmly, were orders.
Une looked at Heero who hadn't moved from his seat and dismissed him politely with a nod.
Heero went to the door and clutched the report with numb hands. 'This can't be happening to me.' He thought desperately as he walked to his quarters.
He opened the report and started to read the suggestions. After a while, a long wail came from his room and Duo turned to Quatre accusingly as they started to run to Heero's room. 'What did you do?'
'I didn't do anything. It's probably all your fault.' Quatre snapped as he dashed to the door and wrenched it open.
Heero turned a sickly grin at the two peering in at him and fainted.
Katana's corner: This can be attributed to all those lunches that I spent watching 'Days of our lives', 'Young and the Restless' and 'Bold and the Beautiful'in my uni rec room. As former soapie addict, I can sympathize with Duo's fascination with their unique perspective on life.
I'll offer a GW NO PRIZE to anyone who can guess who the blue haired bishonen was who picked up Heero's slipper! ^_~
This was so much fun that I may write another sequel, 'Gundam Hospital'. Then again, who knows! Goodbye and Thanks for reading.