OOC, AU and spoof. One of the Gundam pilots become a soap addict!
Disclaimer: Suing will do you no good!
Rating: PG-13
'Have you seen Duo?'
'Huh.' Came the soft grunt from the boy sitting at the table, not even bothering to look up from his laptop as he busily scanned the glowing monitor.
Quatre sighed and went to look for the braided pilot on his own. He had been waiting for Duo to return from his last mission for over an hour and he was beginning to get a little worried. What could be keeping him? He worried, gnawing on his lower lip anxiously as he went from dorm room to dorm room, trying to catch a glimpse of a thick brown braid. At last he came to the rec room and brightened up when he saw the untidily sprawled figure in front of the television.
'Duo. You're back. Why didn't you tell me?' Quatre chirped happily as he slumped next to Duo whose eyes remained glued on the screen.
'Later Q. Don't disturb me right now. Wait till the commercial break.' Duo stared intently on the screen as a blond woman started screeching at a tall handsome man, chewing absently on the end of his braid.
Quatre blinked, puzzled by his friend's behaviour as he looked between the television and the hypnotized pilot in confusion.
'Uh. Sure. Commercial break. I'll wait.' The blond muttered disconsolately, blushing furiously as the American gave him a withering glare before turning back his obsessive contemplation of the noisy couple on screen. As he waited patiently for the commercial break, Quatre found himself also being drawn to the screen as well, in fascinated horror, until he tore his eyes away from the pathologically dysfunctional relational behaviour being exhibited and ran.
Duo turned away from the screen as a commercial flashed on and stretched luxuriously, then remembering the annoying interruption he started to look for Quatre but found the room empty save for a few fellow daytime soap addicts lounging nearby. He shrugged carelessly and turned back to the screen, confident that if it had been important, Quatre would contact him later.
'Heero! Heero!'
The dark haired boy typing studiously looked up with a startled expression as a blond whirlwind burst into his room.
'Heero! You've got to do something! This is terrible. Duo's in trouble.'
Heero jumped to his feet as a look of concern flashed briefly on his face. Then he was thrown off his feet and stumbled back onto his bed, as Quatre smashed into him and clutched at his shoulders.
Quatre started to shake the stoic Japanese as he began talking. 'Duo's totally addicted to television. He didn't even bother to report in after his last mission. Heero do something. Make him stop. Heero!'
Heero glared crossly at the distraught blond as he squirmed in his grip. Till now he had been reasonably confident that he could rely on Quatre, though the guy had a tendency to get all emotional every now and then, but this display was definitely making him rethink his original evaluation. 'Quartre. Let me go.' He snapped coldly as the blond showed no sign of relinquishing his hold, or moving from his awkward position on his lap.
Quatre blinked at the icy tones and blushed furiously as he realized that he was practically sitting on Heero. Sheepishly he got off the annoyed Japanese and muttered an apology as he backed off from the fierce glare.
Heero stood up and returned to his desk, feeling severely annoyed by the ridiculous intrusion. He continued to type busily, deliberately ignoring the embarrassed boy still standing near him. After a moment, he turned his head and asked pointedly, 'Are you still here?'
Quatre reddened furiously before taking to his heels. 'He'll be sorry he didn't listen to me.' The blond muttered sulkily to himself as he returned to his room. He brightened as he entered his room and saw Trowa reading quietly. 'Wait till you hear what's going on with Duo!'
'Wufei, have you noticed anything strange about Duo lately?'
The beautiful Chinese pilot frowned as he gave careful thought to Sally's question. 'You mean in particular or in general?'
Sally groaned. 'I mean recently. He's been a bit erratic on his missions, and he's become awfully choosy about the timing too. He's flat out refused to go on any mission during the mid day and he keeps on giving Heero these really funny looks. Haven't you noticed?'
Wufei shrugged, 'not really no.' He wrinkled his brow as he tried to remember if he had noticed any irregularities in the volatile pilot's behaviour, then gave up as he decided that everything about the noisy pilot was out of the ordinary. Still, he hesitated, there was that time..
'I did notice that he started referring to Quatre's evil twin every now and then but I just thought it was a joke between them.' He offered tentatively.
Sally rubbed her temple, trying to calm the throbbing ache as she remembered the screaming match that had taken place between Duo and Quatre on their last mission, resulting with Lady Une's firm order to keep them separated in any future missions. Was it just her, she wondered looking at the large black eyes staring at her with concern, or was Wufei very, very slow on the uptake? 'Never mind.' She sighed, with a rueful smile. 'I'm sure it wasn't important.'
'Heero.'
Heero winced as a shrill voice cut through the humming of the crowd. He stood stoically as a blond girl determined pushed her way through the startled students and stomped her feet at him when she finally reached him.
'Dorothy.' He nodded coolly, wondering why she was glaring at him and wishing that she had chosen a more private place, he hated people gawking at him.
'What the hell do you think you're doing!' She screamed, waving a fist clenching a piece of paper in front of his nose. 'I demand that you answer me, you arrogant pig.'
Heero turned his most piercing glare at the blond harpy, though it didn't seem to affect the enraged girl in the slightest, and spoke in a calm voice, deliberately pitching it low to force her to listen. 'I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what that is. And I would like you to leave. Now.'
Dorothy practically foamed at the mouth as she thrust the piece of paper in her hand at Heero's chest and she snarled, 'Look I don't care what you and your sick friend get up to in your private time.' She continued loudly, totally ignoring the sudden hush that fell in the cafetaria as aghast onlookers listened avidly, and Heero who had stiffened to a stone statue at her words. 'But you better warn your braided paramour that he can't try to blackmail Relena-sama and get away with it. Got that!'
She stalked off in fury, leaving behind Heero who remained frozen, numbly clutching the offending paper in his hands.
'My god what a woman!' Wufei snorted scornfully as he appeared at Heero side, carrying a generously loaded tray in his hands. 'I don't know what she was babbling on about. Do you have any idea Yuy?' He stared curiously at Heero, noticing with mild interest that he had started to flush deeply, as he slowly opened the crumpled paper in his hand and began reading.
Heero spoke with a deceptively soft voice as he looked up from the paper. 'Where is Duo?'
Wufei looked blank as he shrugged carelessly. 'How do I know where he is? You know that he hasn't been in to lunch at the proper time for ages now. Why don't you ask Quatre? They've been talking a lot lately.'
Heero ground his teeth as he glared at the indifferent Chinese. 'They haven't been talking. They've been screaming at each other. Haven't you noticed that during our missions when all of us are required?'
Wufei shrugged again as he sat down the heavy tray and pulled out his seat. 'But Maxwell's always screaming. I didn't think that it was anything special. You haven't finished your lunch, why don't you just sit down and forget about that stupid woman.' He added comfortingly as he patted the vacated chair next to him.
Heero flashed a nasty look at Wufei before dumping the contents of his remaining lunch in the nearby wastebin. 'I lost my appetite.' He snapped crossly as he stomped out of the cafetaria, trying to ignore the whispers and glances directed at him from the other diners.
'When I get my hands on that idiot, that braided dummy masquerading as a pilot, I'll make him eat this,' Heero muttered under his breath as he crunched the paper in his hand, 'then I'll make him really sorry.'
'Quatre you are not being reasonable.'
Trowa sighed deeply as he waited for a response from the implacable black Gundam. 'Quatre please come out. We can talk about this. Quatre, I'm not going to wait out here forever. Quatre.' He coughed roughly, not accustomed to talking so loudly. Damn. He backed off hurriedly as Sandrock started to hum and started to shout frantically. 'Quatre, no! Please! You don't have to do this. Don't attack Duo. Please! Quatre!' Trowa screamed at last, futilely as the large Gundam started to stride away.
With a despairing look he turned and ran towards his own Gundam standing nearby. He hoped that he could stop Quatre before the enraged blond went too far. He swore softly when he noticed that Gundam Shenlong and Wing Zero were also missing from the hanger. Of all the times for Wufei and Heero to be absent on a mission. the tall pilot felt an urge to scream out his frustration as he swung himself into the cockpit. It looked like he was going to have to do this on his own.
'Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! That hurts! Owww! Ouch. Hey, be careful, that's a sensitive area, hey! Owwwwww!'
Heero tightened his lips grimly as he continued to approach the noisy sickbay. He had been dragged off to see Lady Une on his return from the last mission and given a thorough scolding about his lack of discretion and his promiscuous behaviour, then told to make sure that his amorous liaisons would no longer disrupt the Preventer activities. Then he had to stomach being given a lecture on safe sex practice by Sally Po who waylaid him outside Une's office. After which, he had been called to answer two phone calls, one from a hysterical Relena who was weeping about being forced to give him up to save her honour, then another from Hilde who had abused him thoroughly before telling him to treat Duo kindly. To top it all off, he had to endure yet another ridiculous interview with Zechs, that windbag, Heero thought spitefully, who had insisted on warning him about the legal ramifications of slander and blackmail.
Heero paused and took a deep breath before entering the sickbay. The one thing that the pilot of Wing Zero was certain about was that all his problems were stemming from a certain pilot of Shinigami with a long chestnut braid that he was going to wrap around that annoying neck and then use to slowly throttle him. He stopped at the doorway, mouth dropping open as he took in the sight of two boys, one blond, the other with a long braid, wearing pajamas and bandages around their arms and legs, throwing everything in reach at each other. Then he broke into a cold sweat as the two opponents stopped and stared in his direction. He started to back away slowly only to stop as he walked into another body behind him, he looked back to find Trowa who gave him an unpleasant grin and shoved him back inside, noticing as he stumbled that Trowa seemed to be on clutches.
'This is all your fault Heero.'
Heero blinked in confusion, was it him or did everyone seem to say that to him recently? He stared as Trowa pointed one of his clutches at him accusingly.
'If you hadn't been cheating on Duo. None of this would have happened.'
Heero felt like screaming in frustration. What were they all talking about?
'I'm telling you that I'm not having an affair with Heero.'
Heero turned to the fuming blond in silent gratitude, so he wasn't the only sane person.
'I can't help it if he's interested in me.'
Heero choked as he mentally scratched Quatre's name off the list of sane people. What the hell was going on here?
'That's only because you're throwing yourself at him, you blond floozy!' Duo screeched loudly, as he reached for another object to throw. 'Heero belongs with me, do you hear? We were meant to be together! We have a destiny.'
Heero felt a throbbing ache in his temples as he listened to the meaningless drivel. He turned imploring eyes on Trowa who was still glaring at him accusingly and wondered if he had passed through a temporal anomaly or had been kidnapped to a parallel universe. He started to carefully shuffle his way away from the angry combatants who seemed so intent on continuing their fight that they weren't really paying that much attention to him and measured the distance to the door with his eyes, confident that if worst came to worst, he could simply make a run for it.
'That's not true. Heero and I care about each other. We have special moments, like the time when we were together on the run from Oz. And we have common interests. I'm good for Heero. I can give him love. I understand him. I have a lot of money.' Quatre finished triumphantly, waving his pillow defiantly.
Duo sniffed loudly, 'you also have an evil twin who almost destroyed the Colonies in Wing Zero. You aren't mentally stable. You'd probably end up trying to kill Heero. I'm not going to lose him to you. Not now. Not when I fought so hard for him.'
'The only thing you can offer Heero is sex.' Quatre snarled, as he slid to the edge of his bed. 'I can offer Heero intellectual companionship. I can give him a better life. If you really loved Heero, you'd let him go, for his sake.'
Duo started to sob loudly into his pillow, alarming Heero who had almost managed to reach the door and bringing a sympathetic Trowa hobbling to his bedside. 'I can offer Heero true love. You only want him for his body.'
Unable to bear listening any further Heero promptly fled the insane trio and ran down the corridor, slamming into Wufei as he dashed around the corner.
'Watch where you're going Yuy!' Wufei protested as they collapsed into an ungraceful pile on the floor.
'They're all crazy!' Heero's eyes glittered with excitement and he peeked around the corner and sighed with relief when he saw the closed sickbay door.
'Who?' Wufei asked indifferently as he helped Heero to untangle their limbs and get back on their feet.
'Duo, Quatre. Even Trowa. All of them. Stark raving mad.' Heero shuddered as he thought back to the horrible scene he had witnessed.
Wufei eyed the normally taciturn pilot with interest, noticing the sweat beads on his forehead. Then he leaned towards the perturbed Japanese and blew softly into his ear.
'Why don't you just forget about Maxwell and Winner and spend your time with someone who's more worthy?' He purred creamily, his lips brushing lightly against Heero's hair as he spoke. Then he blinked as the Japanese pilot whitened dramatically then fled. 'Playing hard to get eh.' He smirked as he broke into a jaunty jog, after the desperately fleeing figure.
'So Mr Yuy. What seem to be your problem?'
The doctor looked at the shaking boy lying on his couch, an ice bag sitting on his head, with sympathy and concern. It was a shame when someone so young and so beautiful was in trouble.
'Well doc,' Heero sighed deeply, 'it all began when one of my fellow pilots started watching daytime soaps..'
Katana: I don't know if this was what I originally intended but... shrug... The GW pilots tend to write themselves really. In case anyone didn't notice (yeah right) my favourite pilot is Heero Yuy. I also have to say that I've always been a fan of Relena and that I do think that in 'reality' she and Heero do belong together.
Bara-chan: Yeah right, are you STILL harping about the ending of 'Endless Waltz'? Can you believe that she thought that Heero just went for a walk at the end of the OVA? (rolls eyes) Severe reality check. Please.
Katana: Well... I do think that he could have gone for a walk while she was giving a speech. I mean, it doesn't really tell you that he left her you know. And anyway, I still think that if he ended up with any of the Gundam pilots that it'd be Quatre. For one thing, he's the only one who's not taken and who's on Earth.
Bara-chan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop boring everyone and finish already. Say bye.
Katana: Bye.