05-Sep-2000
Title: The Condiment War
Author: Jay/dem. Contactable at carboxylated@yahoo.com
Archive: All those with prior permission are welcome (and hugged profusely) to archive this. Email me at the the address at the bottom of this page if you'd like to ask. :-)
[Note: all fics accessible @ http://www.geocities.com/fenris_wolf0]
Category: HUMOR. Yaoi hints.
Timeline: 'The Great Jello Crusade'
Pairings: 1x2
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is quite sadly not mine, but in fact the property of Bandai, Sunrise, and other large corporations and companies I have no affiliation with. (Again, quite sadly.)
Warning/Rating: PG-13. Fleeting mention of Heero's leather fetish, "Duo Jr.," and Zero-System Relena. Oh, and Dorothy in a position of (emotional) power.
Feedback: Hit me.
Relena sighed and tried to remember why she was here, standing in front of a therapist's door, fidgeting with her purse. The words 'restraining order' came to mind.
Her eyes drifted to the door and settled there, widening slightly. She was here to see Dr. Robinson, but the name on the door had been crossed out and replace with a marker-written "CATALONIA."
She shook her head. Coincidences. She rapped on the door and walked in.
"DOROTHY?!" Relena stared disbelievingly at the blonde girl sitting leisurely behind a desk. Her mind reeled. She refused to believe that Dermail's granddaughter was her state-appointed therapist. This was a joke-- a ludicrous, evil, cruel joke. Dorothy looked at Relena over empty black frames and beamed a smile.
"Relena-sama!" And resumed doodling over her yellow legal pad. "I'm so glad you're here, Relena-sama."
Relena glanced at her watch, face rapidly paling. "I think I'm going to have to reschedule, Dorothy… I'm busy right now… affairs of state that need to be looked at."
"Oh, Relena-sama…" Dorothy laughed. "First of all, it's Dr. Catalonia. Second, you *are* an affair of state… and you know what happens when you miss a session…" She wagged an admonishing finger. "A room with rubber walls and all your pretty shiny things will be taken away."
Inwardly, Relena swore. So she knew all the details and contracts, did she? This was turning out to be a miserable afternoon. She gritted her teeth and smiled, though. Years of politics resulted in an almost innate ability to bullshit. "Okay, Dr. Catalonia."
"Lie down," said Dorothy, gesturing towards a sofa with a pencil. "We'll start immediately. Now, Relena-sama, let's begin at the… beginning!" She laughed. "Tell me how it began."
"Well," Relena said as she reclined. "It all started at the Preventers' Annual Picnic…"
[Three weeks earlier.]
It was a beautiful day. No, beautiful didn't do it justice. It was a lovely, picturesque, exquisite, scenic, delightful day. The sun was shining, the sky was a perfect blue, and the grass was lush and verdant. Duo laid out his red and white checked picnic blanket and looked around him, satisfied. He sniffed the air…
/There's nothing like the smell of meat on the grill./
Heero methodically bent to smooth out the creases in the fabric. Even he had to admit that it was a perfect day. And Relena was on her best behavior, which was good. Decapitating her stuffed animals didn't make him happy. Not one bit. He sighed. Every time he lopped off the head of another teddy bear, he was merely sad. He blamed it on the pollen.
/Stupid seasonal allergies./
Quatre flipped a hamburger and beamed at Trowa, who was meticulously turning the hotdogs. They wore matching aprons and chef hats. His was admittedly a little smudged with charcoal and grass stains, but still-- they were a brilliant couple. And this day was perfect. Zechs was throwing the frisbee around, Une's personality was stable, and Wufei had quit his justice rant in favor of whittling toothpicks.
They sat placidly, sipping lemonade and waiting for the food to be done. Quatre was still flipping and prodding the meat. The little Arabian made Wufei feel extremely sympathetic towards cows.
/It's bad enough they had to die… but to poke them so much is a dishonor…/ He stared dubiously as Quatre, apparently satisfied that his moo cow patties were quite dead and well cooked, placed them each on a bun.
"What do you want on it?" Quatre asked Heero.
"Ketchup, onions, lettuce, and pickles."
"Duo?"
"Same, sans lettuce, plus mustard."
"And Trowa will want it with just lettuce," Quatre said happily as he began arranging the vegetable in an aesthetically pleasing design. "And I'll have it with everything. Wufei?"
"Don't you have any tofu?" Wufei asked, doubtful.
"No, silly, it's just meat. And potato salad."
Wufei eyed the mass of white chunks of what was apparently potato salad before answering crisply, "Ketchup and pickles. Lots of pickles."
They ate, helping themselves to seconds and thirds. Relena took a bite of her hotdog, wondering what was missing. She had the relish… the mustard… the ketchup! No wonder it tasted bland, she'd forgotten the most vital element to the hotdog.
"Someone pass the ketchup?" she asked, just as she saw Duo empty the last of the ketchup onto his fourth hamburger.
"Oops! Gomen, Relena," he shrugged, biting into his hamburger, oozing ketchup. "We're all out."
Relena's face twitched. Out of ketchup? What was she supposed to subsist on? As if to mock her, Duo offered an alternative.
"How 'bout some mayo?" He held up the can in what was supposed to be an enticing manner.
Relena forced a mask of calm onto her inner raging fury.
/MAYO?/
"No thank you," she said demurely and bit savagely into her hotdog.
/He offered me MAYONNAISE? How cheap does he think I am?/
The doorbell rang, persistent, just before steps rushed off. Duo opened the door, bleary eyed. He stared at the floor in front of him, disbelieving. Duo rubbed his eyes and looked again. Yep. It was still there.
He picked up the plate, which contained a single hotdog, liberally covered in ketchup. A large plastic knife was stuck upright in it. A little sandwich flag was also embedded into the hotdog, with a neatly written "YOUR YOU-KNOW-WHAT" printed on the paper.
Duo stared at the hotdog, and then looked down at his boxers, to reassure himself that no one had carried out this horrible threat. He sniffed, perplexed. Who would waste a perfectly good hotdog?
Meanwhile, Relena sped off, cackling maniacally in her pink limo.
Operation Mustard was next.
"Heero, I'm beginning to worry."
"Hn."
"I mean, this obviously shows a lot of thought. Who knows what this sicko might do next?" Duo gripped his braid, protectively, all the while looking at the canvas that was now in their living room. It was him, drawn in mustard, on his knees, crying, his severed braid in his hands.
"HEINZ" was printed on it in place of a signature.
Heero looked at the painting with a critical eye. "It's pretty good, actually."
"Nani?! Heero, I'm being *threatened* by-- by--"
With his usual tact, Heero chose to give his lover a reassuring slap on the ass. "It's nothing, Duo no baka. Now, come to bed."
Duo looked up with suddenly sparkling, hopeful eyes. "Did the membership packet from the National Hentai Society come in?"
"Hai. Good quality leather."
Relena crossed off 'Operation Mustard' on her list. 'Burgers of Wrath' was next.
This definitely took the cake for most disturbing.
It was a voodoo doll of him. Made out of hamburger meat.
With toothpicks stuck into various portions of his body. His eyes, his mouth, his neck, Duo Jr…. Frankly, Duo was beginning to worry. Worry was a mild term, actually. He was beginning to be afraid to step out of his apartment. Even Heero couldn't coax him out. Not with words, not with a shotgun.
His eyes darted from the bedroom to the kitchen. The sounds of frying permeated the door.
Heero hadn't been very understanding about this, either. He was in the process of frying up the voodoo doll for dinner. Duo cringed.
Later, at dinner, they'd sat, side by side, Heero calmly eating, Duo fidgeting.
"Something the matter?" Heero asked.
"Um… no…"
"Oh, good. My cooking's getting a little rusty. Maybe this needs some ketchup, ne?"
Suddenly, Duo's eyes lit up in a way they only lit up when one thing was on his mind. Heero put down his fork and smirked.
/Finally… ah, come and take me, Shinigami…/
He closed his eyes and prepared himself to be attacked, clawed, and have his clothes ripped off.
Instead, Duo only sat up and cried, "We have to go to Relena's!"
Heero opened one eye. He'd known Duo had a few little kinks, but this was a little too…
"She's the one!" Duo screeched. "I *knew* it."
"And when they came over, I confessed and Duo insisted on calling the police…" Relena sniffed, a little melodramatically. "Really, we could have worked it out like adults…"
"Yes, stabbing hotdog representations of genitalia. Like adults."
"It was just a joke," Relena insisted.
"Which explains the restraining order."
"A misunderstanding."
"Of course," Dorothy said smoothly. "Well, it's almost time for you to go. I think I understand why you did this, though."
"Really?"
"It's your father, and your childhood. There's some deep emotional scarring in you, Relena-sama…"
Relena considered this. "Which one?"
Dorothy waved an impatient hand. "Does it matter?"
"Well," Relena said. "I suppose you're right. And all this time they said it was because I was crazy…"
"Far from it," Dorothy replied, smiling and adjusting her glasses. "I expect to see you here next week, for another session."
Relena nodded her head. "Thank you, Dr. Catalonia." She fumbled with the straps of her purse before gliding out the door.
Dorothy smirked and rested her feet on the desk. $300 for half an hour of therapy! She glanced at the closet. Dr. Robinson-- her therapist-- was tied and gagged in there. She sniffed. Anger management was for fools. She resumed doodling.
[fin]
Comments: A hentai? Me? ::grins:: Suppress the thought! I'm not bashing Relena, I'm mocking myself. (I honestly get like that when the Heinz runs out...)
Jay
Hamburger voodoo dolls should be sent here.