Once again I am here in the lobby of the dorm I'm living in for the moment, standing alone against the the huge window, feeling all alone and totally out of the world around me. I know there's a couple not far from me, oblivious to my presence. There's also a crowd of others students, trying to decide whether to sleep or continue their pointless conversation, for it's already two zero zero in the morning. But as I am oblivious to them, I don't care about them. They are not exist in the world in my head now.
I watch as a drop of water rolls down the glass of the window, making its way among the other drops created by the light rain, fog, and low temperature. It looks so good.
The sound of his chattering can be heard though he is good fifteen meters away from me in the internet room, sharing news with his friends. I listen to them with a sudden pang in my heart.
Pain?
Yes, pain. Apparently that so called 'jealousy' has come back, this time in full power. It takes also all of my strenght not to scream, just to get rid of that miserable feeling.
I hate this. I am not comfortable with this. Why is this happening to me? Why me? This isn't supposed to happen!!
My head begins to hurt. Oh God, I know how I need to sleep. I've been having a very little time of sleeping these few days and it's starting to gnaw at my body. In my reflection I can see those dark bags under my eyes, which I usually manage to hide with some attempt. My eyes were red, unnoticed by the others, thanks to those eyedrops. All my muscles are tense, my spine hurts so much. And my heart....
Another set of laughter can be heard. I grit my teeth in distress. Damn it! Why can't it just stop? I feel like to just stomp down to that room and practically break every neck there.
I slap my own cheek on that thought. Why am I thinking like that? I mustn't think like that! No! I have enough blood on my hands and I can't have more.
It'll tear me more.
Another set of laughter, louder this time. The pain in my heart is growing worse. My heart start to beat uncontrolably.
There's another reason why I always have to have my body and mind in control, or rather, in the state of not being able to feel. Whenever my emotion goes unstabile, I can... iya, I WILL easily break down, along with my body.
My heart... is beating fast... and losing it's rhythm.... Hurts.... Can't... breath....
My knees almost give up... but I can't fall... must NOT fall... or they will know... HE will know....
Must stay... in control....
Have to put up... that mask... again....
He comes to me later, asking if I'm okay. Coldly I answer him and return to my room without even give him a glance.
Must not turn around... must not see... must not reach... must not touch... must not think....
Must not... feel....
~tbc~
Hime D.