Sometimes people can have everything they want. They are the luckiest people to live. They should know no sorrow, no grief, no pain.
I used to think that I have none of those feelings called hatred... envyness... jealousy. And here, one day, it just hit me as as I saw you.
I'm not trying to make a cheesy story here. If you know me better enough, you'll find out that I hate sap, though everyone who has read the stories I've written told me that I'm good in it.
No, I'm not good in sap, I'm just good in expressing someone's feeling toward the one he/she loves.
Surprised? No wonder you'll be surprised if you ever find out. Me? Writing stories? You must think that I have hit my head with something or sick. No, this is me you're talking about, the real me. You never realize it, don't you? The novel you like so much that you read it over and over again, is mine. I'm the one who wrote it and sent it to a publisher.
Then how come I've never been able to express my feelings toward the person I love?
I... don't want to say 'I love you'. Words can be taken back, and can be regretted. I don't want to have regrets. They usually eat me inside out, of course, without anyone noticing, much more helping.
Sometimes I like to run away from the reality. That's why I make myself obsessed with my missions. They have more distraction than drugs (and saver too). But I know I can't be like this forever. I have a future to face.
Do you know what I envy the most of you?
Your life. Your smile. Your genuinity toward the others. It seems to me that you do it... with no... falsiness. Is that true?
I seldomly smile when I want to smile. I want to smile to make people happy, but will they make me happy? It's not fair to hope for an exchange, but who am I to be able to keep on drown into the sea of my own agony? A smile is enough to make me happy, but only few person can give a whole-hearted smile. Will it be unfair if I expect it? Hope for it? Beg for it?
Do you know that I always feel lonely wherever I am? If somehow you're wondering why, I'd be gladly to tell.
You might have known that I always close my heart toward people. Do you want to know why?
Because I'm afraid to get hurt. Somebody has shattered my heart years ago and I don't want it to happen again. But then I realized that by closing my heart, the loneliness inside me starts to crept, darkening my heart and driving me crazy. But then it was too late.
I should have known that I was never meant to be alone.
Do you think it's too late to start all over again?
I envy you... and her. Your so-called soul sister. I hope I have one. At least I would know that I was alone.
But I'm all alone here.
Who can help me now?
~tbc~
Hime D.