Sep-2000
Title: Who's the Fool Now? (Part 2/2)
Author: Enigma
Written: September, 2000
Rating: R
Category: Line challenge fic for Bevin (aka Baka no Miko), Humor/Parody
Pairings: (1x2) (3x4) leaves poor 5 all alone, isn't that sad?
Warnings: Yaoi, lime, silliness, fluff, a touch of angst for spice, OOC
Disclaimers: I don't own any of the Gundam Wing Universe, and I'm not sure if I want to take responsibility for this story either. I'd only make money from this ridiculous story if my name was "Bill Gates"! It's written strictly for amusement, so please don't sue me (because I am *not* Bill Gates!).
"So you wish to gain knowledge of these ancient arts? Very good idea, Quatre! I'm certain Maxwell would never have even considered bettering himself in that manner." Wufei looked at Duo with venom in his eyes, hoping the American wouldn't notice that he, too, was having a bit of trouble containing his natural urges.
He wondered what to do about feeling so aroused since the other boys' had paired off leaving him out of the fun---again! Injustice! But then again, maybe someone was up for a trio tonight, hey, it could happen! Or at least he hoped it could.
"Ne, Wufei." Duo whined in spite of himself. "You don't have to be so cruel about it. We each have our own special skills, that's all. I've never seen you come to me to learn how to pick locks, so we're even!" Duo considered sticking his tongue out for emphasis, but thinking about his tongue sent his mind spiraling off in a direction he was trying desperately to avoid.
"Hmph!" Wufei assumed his rant stance and took the bait Duo just threw at him. "There is no reason for me to need to pick locks, Maxwell. I can get in and out of virtually any room through my own resources. Besides, illegally entering someone else's domain is not Just!"
[Yes! He said "Just", um, just like I knew he would! Perfect! This'll be good!]
"An old lady'd never pick up a weasel like you!" Quatre suddenly burst out loudly.
"NANI?!?" Wufei sputtered in rage as Quatre's face looked shocked.
Duo, hiding his laughter said, "What did you just say, Q-man? What do weasels and Wufei have to do with each other?"
"I am *not* a weasel!" Wufei proclaimed, getting rather flushed as the anger grew. He was in agony! First the unexpected hard-on and now *this*, injustice!
Quatre continued to look shocked then apologized. "I am so very sorry, Wufei! I have no idea why I said such a thing! This is the second time today I've just blurted out the weirdest things. Perhaps I am getting sick or something." He shook his blond head, looking utterly pathetic.
Duo, starting to feel guilty for the trick he'd played on his friend, tried to get him away from Wufei before the second trigger came out. "Come on, Quatre. I'll get you back to the house and we'll check to see if you are running a fever or something." Grabbing the boy's arm, Duo started to turn away from the clearing as quickly as he could. Too bad it wasn't quickly enough.
"Quatre," Wufei was calming down a bit, "If you are indeed ill then it is best to get medical care. It is certainly not like you to say such odd things. Now, Maxwell, on the other hand would do so just to annoy me, I'm certain!" He reached down to gather his shirt then added, "I believe I shall go worship Nataku."
"He can make his own damn turkey loaf!" Quatre practically shouted, hearing the second trigger word, 'Nataku', from Wufei.
"NANI?!?" Overcome with rage at being the apparent butt of a sick joke, Wufei decided that some *real* Justice was long overdue! "Kisama, Maxwell! I have no idea what is going on here, but I'm sure *you're* the one behind it! I shall not remain passive in the face of such insults, well, at least I *think* they're insults. Prepare yourself!"
[Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! OH SHIT! Wu's on the rampage!]
Wufei threw an extra shinai at Duo and prepared for battle.
"Wait a minute, Wufei!!!" Duo was frantic. "I have no idea why you're mad at *me*! Probably Quatre's sick or something, let me get him back to the house right away! Fighting wont solve anything, besides I don't know how to use one of these things." He looked over the bamboo sword wishing it was his thermal scythe so he at least might have a chance of avoiding a thrashing.
"It matters not that you have failed to educate yourself!" All Wufei saw right then was red and he intended to do something about it---now! "Stand and deliver!" he demanded, lunging at Duo.
Duo jumped back fear written across his face knowing how much damage an angry Chang Wufei could do to someone. Quatre began feeling guilty for playing out his role too well, but there was no way to stop their rampaging teammate. So, he did the best he could; he turned and ran back to the safehouse to get help before Duo ended up dead.
By the time Quatre got back with Trowa in tow, Wufei looked triumphant and Duo looked like he'd been hit by a truck. Laying on the grass, blood seeping out of many small cuts on his exposed skin from trying to escape into the trees, Duo lay sobbing in pain. Bruises had begun to blossom across his entire body giving it an appearance of a field of alien flowers. Wufei, however, had no injuries at all and was just breathing a little harder, smiling with evil delight at finally repaying Maxwell for any number of insults he'd tolerated in the last few months.
"Oh, Allah!" Quatre sobbed, dropping to his knees next to Duo. "Duo, how badly hurt are you? Anything broken?"
[Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!]
Duo only moaned as Quatre gently checked him over for serious wounds.
"Wufei," Trowa stated holding out a hand. "Give me the sword."
"There's no need, Trowa. I'm done teaching this rude beast some manners. There is nothing more that needs to be done." Wufei was extremely proud of his accomplishment and the exertion had gotten rid of that annoying erection he had earlier.
Trowa simply gave him a long look, then realizing there would be no additional violence, dropped his hand. "Quatre, is Duo okay?" he asked in a monotone.
"No!" The little Arabian pilot was shaking with remorse as he tried to get Duo to sit up hoping to check him further. "He's pretty bad off, Trowa! We need to get him inside, he's covered with scratches and they've got a lot of dirt rubbed into them; they'll get infected easily. I think he may have a cracked rib, but I'm not sure." Duo's only response was even louder groans as it became obvious the poor boy couldn't even sit up without help.
[Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! (not even coherent in his thoughts, ne?]
In fury, Quatre turned on Wufei. "Why did you do that to him?!? Even if it was a joke or something, you didn't need to beat him so badly! What if a mission comes in tonight? He wont be able to fly Deathscythe in this condition! Besides, *I'm* the one who said that stupid stuff, why didn't you take out your anger on *me* instead?" Ever the emotional one of the group, tears formed in his eyes as he turned his attention back to aiding Duo who seemed to be regaining some mental clarity.
"ITAE!!! I hurt!" the boy moaned helplessly, wishing this was a bad dream but the pain assured him otherwise. He tried to stand, but like earlier, simply couldn't. Falling back prone on the grass, he curled into a ball of agony and went back to alternately moaning and sobbing.
[Duo no baka! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Duo no baka! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!]
Without even being asked, Trowa scooped up the idiot who had started all of this nonsense in the first place. Duo promptly passed-out as his infinite number of welts and bruises from the sword screamed in unison.
Quatre screamed in Wufei's face, "See what you've done? He's unconscious, you brute!"
At this, Wufei looked somewhat abashed, suddenly realizing he had gone too far and had probably destroyed any chance of ever actually getting to be friends with the annoying yet somehow endearing chatterbox. In disgust, he threw his shinai as far from him as he could. "I am sorry. Somehow I lost control. Even provoked, this should not have happened. I am dishonorable for treating a comrade in such a fashion." He hung his head, feeling utterly disgusted with himself.
"No, Wufei," Quatre sighed. "Actually, it's *my* fault this happened. Duo tried to play a joke on me and when I realized it, I decided to turn the tables on him. But I never thought he'd get hurt like this. I'm so ashamed!" Tears threatened to spill at any moment from his wide aquamarine eyes.
"Shh, little one," Trowa soothed. "Let us not concern ourselves with blame when Duo needs medical attention." Saying that, Trowa turned and began walking back to the safehouse trying his best not to jostle Duo any more than necessary. Quatre immediately fell into step with him, simultaneously thanking Trowa and trying to pick dead leaves and twigs out of Duo's filthy, half-unraveled braid.
Wufei, muttering about how he himself was a lowly, dishonorable cur, gathered his belongings and slipped away deeper into the woods with no intention of following them back knowing full well the others could care for Maxwell better than he could. That and he needed to reflect on his lapse in control, not an acceptable thing under any circumstances. Perhaps later he would try to apologize to Maxwell, no, he needed to remember to call him 'Duo' if he was to make amends.
It took almost an hour for Quatre and Trowa to get Duo cleaned up and bandaged. He'd regained consciousness another hour after that, apparently the pain of the beating combined with the pain of the treatment had conspired to keep him in la-la-land longer than expected. This had caused Quatre no end of grief.
"Hnnnnnnnnn," Duo moaned, slowly climbing out of the comfortable nothingness and back into the painful real world.
"Duo! You're finally awake! Thank Allah!" Quatre smiled at him.
[Wha---what happened?]
Duo vaguely mumbled, "Did anybody see which mobile suit did this to me? And did anyone shoot it down? The bastard *hurt* me!" His eyes widened slightly before adding, "Is Shinigami okay?"
"We weren't *in* a battle, Duo," Quatre kneeled next to where Duo lay, stretched out on the still slightly damp couch. "I'm afraid Wufei got angry with you and he sort of lost control and really messed you up. Trowa and I bandaged all the scrapes. Um, I'm not too good with these limited first aid supplies, so I'm sorry you kind of look like a mummy. You've got a cracked rib, I think, so don't try to move much, okay?"
"Yeah, sure. Don't think I could if I wanted to," he answered, wincing as the act of simply talking brought him shimmering flashes of pain. "Ne, Q-man? Why did Wufei beat me up? He probably had a good reason, but I don't remember much."
[Yeah, Wu-man wouldn't beat the living shit out of me for no reason. Or *would* he?]
"Actually, it's all my fault," Quatre's lip trembled at the admission of guilt. "Oh, Duo! I'm so sorry this happened to you! I never meant for anything like *this* to happen. It's just that when Trowa and I discovered you'd tampered with my self-hypnosis tape we thought it would be good to teach you a lesson. That's why he punched you in the stomach earlier."
"Nani?! You *knew* about the tape? Why didn't you say this before so we could stop? Maybe then Wufei wouldn't have nearly killed me with that stick of his!" Duo was angry and a bit afraid at his friend's sudden display of sadism.
"Well, I'm not exactly certain." Quatre looked puzzled. "I think it was just because it seemed funny and I was curious what Wufei would do when I said those ludicrous things to him. It never occurred to me he'd take it out on you. I knew he wouldn't beat *me* up, so I figured it was safe."
[Of course he wouldn't beat you up, Q! You're too cute but I'm not.]
Grunting, the "mummy" rose up to go lay on his own bed which was dry and sleep for about a week. He stumbled forward a step and Quatre rushed to help him.
"NO!" Duo practically screamed. "Stay away from me! You've done enough damage all ready! I can make it, just stay back." Cursing under his breath, Duo slowly and painfully trudged towards his room.
[Kuso! Shit! Merde! Crap! Shimatta! This really, really hurts!]
Guilt-ridden, Quatre followed silently in case the other boy should fall or pass-out again. They reached the bedroom door and as Duo tried to open it he found it was locked. Inside, Heero had the final microchip in a pair of tiny forceps, and wearing a jeweler's eyepiece was about to slip it in place thereby reviving his precious computer. He'd worked so hard on it he'd locked the door to keep Duo from coming in and distracting him. Mistake on that one, Perfect Soldier!
"Yo, Heero!" The hoarse shout came with a loud bang on the door startling Heero enough that he clamped down on the forceps too hard, cracking the microchip, effectively ending any chance of saving the machine.
"BAKA!!!" Heero roared, enraged. Vision clouded with fury, he considered cutting of Duo's damned braid, but remembered how good it felt in bed; so he chose to nail me a good one instead. With sudden force, he yanked the door open.
Duo had been leaning on the door and when Heero pulled it open without warning, he wobbled in place for a second or two, just long enough for Heero to haul off and land a powerful upper-cut to his jaw. Instantly unconscious, Duo fell face-first slamming into a metal ammunition canister on the floor. He ended up laying motionless and bleeding on the bedroom floor.
Spotting Quatre's look of horror in the hallway, Heero turned around and just then noticed that Duo was *already* covered in bandages practically from head to toe, including a tight band around his ribcage indicating damage there as well. Taking a deep breath, Heero confronted the frightened pilot who hadn't noticed Trowa's protective presence materializing next to him. "Quatre," Heero seethed. "What the *hell* happened to Duo?!"
"Don't yell at him, Heero." Trowa's flat monotone implied menace. Quatre melted against his lover, sniffling in his guilt, eyes tearing up, again.
Heero calmed down a bit before saying simply, "Well?"
"Let's get him on the bed first." Trowa, ever practical, moved to pickup the now immobile pile of bandage-covered boy. Heero followed suit and when they turned Duo over they saw the source of most of the blood---Duo's lower lip had been sliced clean through by the edge of the canister. A few of his more serious lacerations had reopened on impact with the floor as well, adding to the red stain. What was most disturbing was the beginnings of massive swelling across his left eye from the brow to the cheekbone.
Sighing, Heero knelt down and gently lifted his damaged lover and placed him on their bed. "Get all the ice we have, Quatre." Heero sighed. "Make sure you bring a box of plastic bags for the icepacks, too. We'll have to wait for him to come around before we can give him anything for the pain."
Relieved that he had something to do that would actually help Duo, Quatre scampered off to get ice. Now alone, Heero turned to Trowa a questioning look on his face. In return, Trowa rolled his one visible eye, the other hiding beneath those bangs that seemed to defy the laws of physics, and shook his head sadly. In their traditional form of conversation, neither man said a thing but each understood perfectly well what was communicated. To translate for the mere mortals who don't speak Yuy-Barton, this meant Heero wanted to know what happened and Trowa responded it was a long and rather stupid story. Obvious, wasn't it?
Quatre returned quickly with a large supply of ice and the three sat down to fix enough ice packs to practically cover Duo's entire body. The first one went gently over the abused eye and the second followed shortly to cover the busted lip, but they had to add some gauze first to get the bleeding under control. Within a few minutes, they were done, and Heero motioned them out of the room, quietly shutting the door behind him.
"All right," Heero sighed as he sat down with a fresh cup of coffee ready to hear what his crazy lover had done *this* time! "Tell me."
Quatre, looking ashamed, spoke up, "It's a long story."
"Hn."
"Oh all right, I'll tell you the whole thing," and he did.
Roughly four hours later, Duo awakened to a world of pain. One eye wouldn't open and he couldn't turn his head. He assumed he was in his room but certainly didn't recall getting there or why he hurt worse now more than before. Slowly, a familiar sound made its way through his fuzzy brain---the familiar clacking of keys on a keyboard. This meant only one thing---Heero!
[Heero's here! Thank God---Oh! I hurt like *hell*!]
"He'," Duo couldn't speak well and the first syllable was barely audible, but even a whisper would have been enough to get his lover's attention. Heero hit "save" and went over to sit on the bed next to Duo. He placed a gentle kiss on the boy's lips making him cry out in pain because of the damage to the bottom one.
"Oops! Gomen, Duo." His gorgeous cobalt-blue eyes were remarkably gentle looking down at Duo with a mixture of relief and annoyance. "You've got a sliced lip, I forgot. Don't even try to open your left eye. The swelling probably wont go down for a few days."
[My *eye*, my beautiful violet *eye* is messed up! Oh, no! What about my hair?!? Is my hair messed up, too?!?]
"Wha' hap'n, H'ro?" Duo mumbled out. Confusion and pain conspired to bring Duo's ability to function down quite a bit. The throbbing pain in his jaw where Heero had decked him prevented him from even speaking clearly. Mostly, all he could get out were consonants (Enigma here with a helpful hint: just speak the sounds aloud and you should be able to understand Duo's new "language").
"Baka! You did something stupid, what else?" Heero didn't sound compassionate in the least.
"Oh," Duo forgot to ask what stupid thing he'd done, instead he tried to ask, "Did ya fix the 'puter?"
Heero snorted. "Hell no! It was destroyed when you, um, dropped in. This is a new one, Quatre snuck out and got it. It'll be a bitch to retrieve my hard drive data, but nothing I can't handle."
"Tha's goo', y' hap'y now?" Duo was totally three sheets to the wind.
"No, I'm *not* happy now. You and your stupid April Fool's Day joke could have gotten you killed by Wufei if he had his *real* sword instead of that stick, baka! Why'd you pull such a dumb-ass stunt anyway?" Heero's rough words were softened somewhat as he gently brushed a hand through the still filthy hair feathered around on the pillow.
Duo tried to shrug then groaned at the pain the movement brought. "I 's bo'rd."
"You were *bored*?" Heero chuckled a bit at the sheer nonsense of ending up like this because of simple boredom. "Why didn't you tell me?"
[What the hell do you *think* I was doing? Trying to seduce you for kicks? Well, actually I was, but that's not the point!]"Tr'd to! But y'r mean! Wrk'd on 'puter 'n 'nord me." Duo pouted as best he could with a split lip. "W'nt play 'til las' ni't!! M'k me n'ts!!!"
At this, Heero almost lost it entirely. "You're *always* nuts," he leered. "There are no new missions, we'd have plenty of time to play now, but you're too banged up."
"Am n't!" Duo protested. In spite of his physical condition, his libido drove him to want to do at least *something* with Heero now that his lover was back to normal; well, normal for Heero at least.
[Come on! *That* part isn't hurt! One good screw maybe?]
"Oh, really?" Heero teased. He fumbled around trying to find an area of skin that wasn't covered in bandages; his fingertips grazed a nipple making Duo moan with something other than pain. "Well! Guess you just might be able to handle a little action. Stop me if it hurts too much."
[No way, koi! I'm helpless and you can do anything you want to with me. Oh, yessss, just like in one of my fantasies with bondage making me oh so vulnerable; just skip the S & M part, tho'. Uh-oh, I'm getting hard again!]
And with that, Heero lowered his lips to the exposed nipple giving it a sweet kiss and then taking it into his mouth, sucking and licking it, making Duo moan in pleasure. Wanting more, he flipped off the sheet that had been covering Duo and searched for more uninjured areas. Unfortunately there weren't many. Hungrily, he eyed the injured boy on the bed, just knowing Duo was at his mercy was making *him* seriously turned on, too! He pressed gentle kisses and nibbles everywhere he could. Duo was moaning constantly when all of a sudden he let out a shriek!
"Itae!" A tear formed in Duo's eye from obvious pain.
[Ouch! Ouch! Oh SHIT!!!]
Heero looked concerned; knowing he'd been careful, he wondered what had hurt his violet-eyed love. "What's wrong, Duo? What did I do that hurt?"
Sadly, Duo looked down before admitting to Heero, "Bad head'che g't w'rse fum moanin'."
Shaking his head ruefully, Heero chuckled again, "Oh, so no sex tonight because you have a headache?"
[I know. It sounds lame, but it really *does* hurt worse than a migraine!]
"G'men, koi," Duo looked crestfallen. He'd been horny almost all day and wanted Heero so badly, but it just hurt too much.
[Damn! All hard-up and can't do a thing about it! Kuso!]
Sighing, Heero placed a tiny kiss on Duo's forehead trying to avoid a swelling from the impact with the floor. "I'll go get you some painkillers, Duo, so you can sleep some more. Wufei said he needs to talk to you, but that'll wait. Hmph, maybe living with his guilt will teach the bastard to stay in control! Quatre is desperate to apologize, too."
"S' 'kay. Tell Q, 's 'kay, m' fault anyway," Duo sighed sadly at how wrong his little joke had turned out. He wouldn't celebrate *this* holiday again any time soon! "D'n't wan' see W'fei! He st'pid jerk!" He added irritably.
[Growl! Just you wait, Chang Wufei, just you wait! (Hm, "My Fair Lady" meets Gundam Wing?) I'll have my revenge!]
Rising to get the drugs, hopefully something strong enough to knock Duo out for the night, Heero couldn't help commenting, "What a stupid joke to pull, Duo. Who's the fool now?"
[I am, koi. *I* am the April Fool!]
~OWARI~
Author's Notes:
This is for a special person, Bevin! I hope she likes it! (^_~)!
ATTN: Fellow SDDI members! Please remember this is a *humor/parody* kind of story, not meant to make Duo look like a total baka, just enough of one to be funny. Forgive me, for I have sinned. <HANGS HEAD IN SHAME>
This is only my second humor fic, "The Button" was the first. Is it funny or am I just kidding myself? Be truthful, because if it isn't funny, I'll stick to angst since it seems more popular and I'm, well, better at it (of course if this sucks the only way to go is up, even if it is only a millimeter!).
Also, this is my first citrus fic, not a lot, but I'm a beginner! C&C's?
The Greek Muse of comedy, Thalia, tried to take full credit for this bit of nonsense, but I blame it on a serious lack of chocolate! I need *chocolate*! Pocky, Toblerone Dark, Chocolate Yan Yan, Hershey's Special Dark, anything! Onegai?!?
If you enjoyed this bit of rowdy G-Boys Adventure, PLEASE send me feedback! I need it as much as chocolate!
Enigma
Please send comments to: EclecticAnimeFan@aol.com