Sep-2000
Once upon a time, there was a sweet princess named Bevin who asked the Royal Storyteller to write her a story. The Storyteller wished to please the princess, so asked, "What would you like it to be about?" She smiled and responded, "Oh, trusty Storyteller, can it be about my favorite bishonen Gundam pilots?" "Certainly," the Storyteller smiled wickedly, "Oh, I like them, too!" "Oh, and please include the following phrases for me."
"He can make his own damn turkey loaf"
"An old lady'd never pick up a weasel"
"Crescent fresh!"
"Certainly, fair princess," the Storyteller responded. "Kindly give me time to assemble such a story to be presented to you at the coming feast. I shall do my best to create something new just for you."
~@~@~@~ And that is how "Who's the Fool?" came to be. ~@~@~@~
[blah, blah, blah] is just Duo thinking to himself, nothing earth-shattering, no da
It was the end of March and a very dangerous situation threatened four of the deadliest terrorists alive in AC196; they were four of the Gundam pilots that OZ cowered in fear of at night. However, this danger was greater than almost any they had ever faced---Duo Maxwell was bored!
Be afraid, Heero, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei! Be *very* afraid!!!
[I'm bored, bored, bored! What can I do for fun around here? We've been stuck in this stupid safehouse that doesn't have a stupid vidscreen or any stupid music or *anything* for too damned long! I need something *fun* to do!]
"Ne, Heero?" Duo approached his lover cautiously. The redoubtable Heero Yuy had been working for hours to repair his beloved laptop which had been damaged in a raid three days before. It had occupied his every waking moment to Duo's utter disgust.
[I swear! I think that thing is his security blanket or something! Can't he live without it for awhile and play with *me*?]
Smiling suggestively, Duo rubbed his hands down Heero's well-muscled arms and purred, "Got a minute?"
"No."
[Succinct bastard. I know better than to push him when he's like this. No playtime right now. Oh well, I'll go see if anyone else is bored, too.]
"Hey, Quatre," he beamed at the blond pilot. "Whazzzzzzzup?" he drawled the word out for far longer than it needed to be. Definitely irritating.
"Hmm? Oh, hi, Duo! I was just listening to this tape." Quatre smiled sweetly.
"Ooooh! A tape?!? What kind of music? Can I borrow it?" Duo was hyper, no da.
Quatre laughed at him, "No, silly! It isn't music, it's self-hypnosis! I'm trying to break a bad habit and I'm using this to do it."
Duo laughed out loud! "You? *You* have a bad habit?! Impossible! You're already perfect!"
Blushing, Quatre responded, "No, I'm not. Remember when I got stuck in the middle of nowhere for two days until you guys could come get me and Sandrock? Well, I was nervous and started biting my nails and now I can't stop. That's the habit I'm trying to break. I think it's working, see?" He held out a delicate hand for Duo's inspection whether Duo wanted to see it or not.
"Yeah, I see what you mean. I never even noticed there was a problem, but they do look pretty ragged. Bet Trowa hates that at night, ne?" Quatre wasn't sure which was worse, the lewd comment or the smirk. So he decided to ignore Duo entirely and put his headphones back on effectively blocking further conversation.
[Well, exxx~cuuuuse me! I'm *still* bored! Bored bored, bored! There's got to be something to do, it's spring and I've walked around the area about a zillion times and I'm going stir crazy! Hey, wait a minute! I just remembered! There was this old Earth custom that on the First of April you got to play jokes on your friends! What was that called again? Trick-or-treat? Nah, that's in the fall. Think, Maxwell, think! This may be your best chance for fun! Oh, yeah! April Fool's Day! Ha! I'll do something for April Fool's Day! But what?]
[Sneaky, sneaky me! Giggle! I'll change Quatre's tape just a *tiny* bit and it'll be really funny! Everybody will get a kick out of it! I'll get started as soon as he and Trowa go off for another one of their "walks"---that always keeps 'em busy for an hour or two if they get really carried away! If I wasn't just thinking this, bet I'd have my patented evil grin on my face, too! Can't wait!!!]
That night, after getting back from their "walk", something that took almost three hours and they both looked *very* happy when they got back, Quatre and Trowa headed for their room. Trowa made himself comfortable with a book on some obscure subject and Quatre went to listen to his tape. Unfortunately, there was something wrong with it so he asked Trowa to help him fix it. Trowa concluded that the tape was jammed in at a strange angle and worked diligently to get it out for his anxious little lover who was nibbling on his thumbnail, again.
When it was extracted, the two replaced it correctly and turned it on to see if it was still operable. It was, but the recording had been changed. They heard Duo's voice instead of the narrator's and instead of the helpful advice on not biting one's nails there were new directions to follow. The pair listened suspiciously to Duo reciting a strange list of things Quatre was supposed to do on April First for no apparent reason. Confusion clouded their faces until Trowa recalled the April Fool's Day tradition and they realized he had attempted to play a rather nasty trick on Quatre.
Trowa immediately jumped to his feet to go and confront the #1 fool of them all when Quatre stopped him. "Wait, Tro-chan," he smiled wickedly, "I have a better idea!"
They discussed the "better idea" and determined it was, as Wufei would proclaim it, "only just and honorable" to repay the braided baka in kind. After contemplating their plan, they began work, then set about reviewing the material until it was rote memory. They kissed goodnight and snuggled up in bed together; they would have done more but Quatre was too sore from their "walk". Both were eagerly anticipating their revenge on a certain American idiot.
[Whoo-Hoo! It's *finally* here! The big day! This is going to be so way cool!]
Getting up early, Duo dressed quickly to head out, leaving a naked and tired Heero behind, still in bed.
[Yep, I'll bet *he's* going to be sore when he wakes up! Last night was fun!]
Duo went bounding into the living room looking for his victim.
"Yo, Wu-man! Whazzup?" Duo grinned.
"That is 'Wufei', Maxwell! Not 'Wu-man', not 'Fei-chan', and not any other idiotic version of my name, understand?!?" Wufei didn't sleep well the night before and it made him grouchy, well, grouchier than usual that is. He had been stuck with the room next to Heero and Duo and things had been awfully loud almost all night. "What do you want?" he growled.
"Hey, hey, gomen, *Wufei*! Didn't mean to upset you, it's just such a nice day, isn't it?" Duo bounced over to grab his favorite breakfast cereal, the one with all the little colored marshmallows and poured a large bowl. Grabbing a spoon and some milk, he went to sit down and eat.
[I've got to get something to eat now, because later I'll be too busy following Quatre to see how everything goes!]
After wolfing down his cereal, Duo stood up stretching and went over to look out the window. It was earlier in the morning than he usually bothered to get up, there hadn't been anything fun to do until today. He paced around like a caged animal waiting for his victim to appear. It took longer than he expected.
About the time Duo was ready to set off the fire alarm to wake up Quatre, the person in question and his tall, silent lover strolled out.
[Wait! Wait and be patient, Maxwell! Give the boy a chance to eat, too, he'll need his energy today all right! Bwahahahahaha!]
Behaving normally, "being patient" for Duo meant waiting about five minutes before he couldn't help but go over to the table and sit down.
"So, guys, what's on the agenda today?" He asked with a grin.
Trowa looked up rather disinterested and said, "Nothing."
[Geez! Does he have a bet going with Heero on who can say the fewest words in public? If Quatre ever goes deaf he certainly wont notice it if there's only Trowa around! Oooh, that was mean, Maxwell, very, very mean! Stop it or you wont have any fun at all today if Trowa takes Q-man on another "walk" all day!]
"Actually, Duo," Quatre looked at him smiling innocently. "I was hoping you and I could find something to do. I'm feeling a little bored myself."
[All right! Step right up and fall into my trap! Whoo-Hoo, this is *great*!]
"Sure thing, Quatre! What do you have in mind?" He asked intrigued.
Quatre just shrugged, "Oh, I don't know. I'm sure we can think of something to amuse ourselves, ne?" Finishing his breakfast, Quatre got up to wash his dishes off in the sink. Duo padded right behind him, ready to spring his first joke of the day.
"So, Q-man," he smirked in spite of himself before delivering the trigger line, "How was last night in bed?"
"Crescent fresh!!!" The young blond exclaimed loudly then threw his hands over his mouth in apparent shock at what he'd said, the equivalent of "It was awesome!", and blushed furiously.
"Wow!" Duo laughed, "Trowa's that good a fuck, eh?"
Right at the moment the last word left his tongue, said "good fuck" spun Duo around and landed a powerful punch to Duo's gut knocking the wind out of him. Gasping for breath, Duo doubled over in pain and sank to the ground. He glanced up to see Trowa comforting a trembling Quatre who was busy mumbling apologies for what he'd proclaimed so loudly.
"Don't apologize, little one," Trowa soothed him. "I think someone *else* needs to be apologizing for that uncalled for remark!" His hard emerald gaze rivaled one of Heero's best patented Yuy Death Glares.
Duo looked like a fish out of water, gasping over and over. Fighting for breath, Duo barely squeaked out, "I'm sorry, Quatre, Trowa. I don't know what came over me." He did actually look fairly pathetic sprawled on the floor and Quatre was almost sorry that their plan had gone off so easily. Almost.
Sniffling a little, Quatre reached out a hand to help him up. "That's {sniff} okay, Duo, I know how bored you are. Guess you can't {sniff} help mouthing off when you're bored, ne?"
Duo could barely get his feet under him and Quatre helped him over to the couch. As Quatre went to get Duo some aspirin to numb the aching he felt, Heero came out of the bedroom. "What the hell happened to you?" He asked Duo who looked to be in more than a little pain. Not waiting for an answer, Heero continued into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee before resuming work on his beloved laptop.
"Oi, Hee-chan. Trowa belted me one and it *hurts*! Come over and kiss me and make me feel better, ne?" He looked hopefully at him.
"No. If Trowa felt he needed to pound you, then you probably deserved it, baka." And with those tender words of love, Heero Yuy vanished back into the bedroom.
[Good grief, no sympathy for the injured! I'll remember that, Yuy!]
"Here you go," Quatre handed Duo the bottle of plain aspirin from the first aid kit.
"Thanks, but, um, I don't have any water to wash them down. Could you get me a glass, please?" Duo knew better than to try to stand up as bad as he felt.
"Now why didn't I think of that?" Quatre scolded himself. Getting a glass of water, he walked back into the living area and apparently tripped over something, flinging almost all of the water onto Duo drenching his favorite black priest outfit as well as everything else. "Oh my! I'm so sorry, Duo! Let me get a towel for you. Let me fill the glass back up so you can take the aspirin, okay?" He held out his hand for the glass.
Duo, dripping and *very* unhappy, noted there was a good swallow or two left in the glass and declined. Quatre went off in search of a towel and if Duo had been listening instead of cursing as he peeled off his shirts, he would have heard a barely contained giggle. Duo was naked from the waist up when Quatre returned causing the boy to blush in earnest. "Goodness! I better get you some dry clothes before you catch cold! Dry off with this and I'll go get some clothes from your room."
"Wait! Quatre! Be careful, Heero is in a really bad mood since the computer's still busted. So just grab whatever I've got handy and make a run for it before he turns on you, too." Duo hadn't forgiven Heero for his lack of support.
"Nonsense, Duo! I'll be perfectly fine! Back in a jiffy."
After five minutes, Duo was getting nervous. What did Heero *do* to poor Quatre? Just as he was struggling to stand, he heard Heero's deep laughter and Quatre telling him to have a nice day.
[Growl! Why is that bastard nice to him but not me? No fair!]
"Oh, Duo, you are such a jokester!" Quatre laughed, handing him a full change of clothes as well as sneakers to replace his soggy boots. "Heero was perfectly fine. What ever were you so worried for? Now, let's get you changed, ne?"
Duo felt his self-esteem fall to a record low as he had to strip completely right in the very public living room with Quatre's help just to get into dry clothes. Half-way through the process, Wufei walked by in loose fitting pants and a tank-top. He was carrying his shinai, the bamboo sword he used to practice kendo, and resolutely intended to pass by the bizarre tableau without comment. The door wasn't even shut behind him when the two inside could hear the loudest guffaw they'd ever heard from the Chinese pilot.
"Hmph! Well, at least *he* thinks this is funny," Duo groused failing to note a gleam of laughter in Quatre's eyes as well.
"Never mind him," Quatre commented dryly. Turning his focus back to changing, Duo cringed seeing Quatre had brought out a skimpy pair of running shorts and a crop-top that was so old you could practically see through it.
[Geez! These aren't going to keep me very warm, but it's better than sitting here in the buff. Oh well.]
As Quatre helped the braided baka get dressed, it seemed like the little blond was going out of his way to be helpful. If Duo had been paying attention he might have realized something was going on, but he didn't. Pulling the tight shirt on over Duo's head, Quatre deliberately grazed one nipple shocking Duo to the core as well as stimulating his over-active libido. Wide violet eyes stared at the other pilot as he offered to help with socks and shoes. Luckily, Duo had gotten his shorts on first so his sudden hard-on wasn't quite as obvious and he quickly pulled a pillow into his lap to cover his, um, "situation".
"Think you can walk yet or shall we play cards for awhile?" Quatre was trying very hard to restrain his own mirth.
Duo stood up for a moment and tried to take a step. Unceremoniously, he fell back onto the couch with a grunt and said, "I'd better wait for the aspirin to work. {sigh} Cards it is."
So they sat and played a few very boring games of cards and Duo was starting to dislike the day altogether.
[Geez, I wish this kid would play poker or something worth the time! These games are dull! At least these Fushigi Yuugi poker cards are kinda cool. I even got the naked Miaka card first! Snicker!]
After losing yet another round of "Go Fish", Duo decided the pain had subsided enough that he could walk again.
"Ne, Quatre, I think I can walk okay again. How about we go check on Wufei and make sure he hasn't hurt himself with that silly wooden sword of his?" An evil grin hid behind Duo's words as he tried to manipulate his supposedly unknowing victim into going to another rendezvous with embarrassment.
Gathering his precious shojo cards, Quatre smiled. "Sure thing, Duo! I was getting bored, but you seemed to enjoy the cards so much I didn't want to mention it!"
[Actually, Q, I was just waiting until my pants didn't scream "Somebody fuck me now or I'll die!" Hey! Wait a minute! He was bored, too? We could have stopped the insanity sooner?!? Arghhhh!!]
The two got off the couch, which was, by the way, still wet, and headed outside.
They found Wufei in a secluded glen behind the safehouse almost everyone nicknamed "Wufei's Private Dojo---Keep Out!" for good reason; he was likely to kill anyone who interrupted his exercises. As the pair approached, Duo motioned Quatre to be silent as they snuck up on Wufei. Grinning, Quatre nodded his head, and they reached the edge of the small clearing and peered in secretly.
There, in the sun-splashed clearing stood a vision of sheer over-powering beauty. Wufei, having worked out before beginning to practice his kendo, had stripped off the shirt, leaving his lean and enticing torso in full view. A slight sheen of perspiration covered his golden face and chest as he moved back and forth lunging and parrying against invisible opponents. Breathing deeply, his chest seemed to be the most erotic thing Duo had seen in, well, awhile. He didn't want to think poorly of Heero's physique, it was just that Wufei was here *now* all hot, sweaty, and sexy as hell!
[Wow! Is Wu gorgeous, or what?!? If I knew his practice sessions made him look this good, I'd have spent my time out here watching him instead of being bored! I'd like to just go over and jump his bo---Shit! I'm getting hard again and in these pants, there's no way to hide it! Here's hoping no one notices!]
Quatre, stifling a giggle, gave a meaningful glance at Duo then down to his now way-too-explicit shorts. Duo, embarrassed at being caught, looked over with a big grin and just shrugged hoping at least Wufei, a guy who didn't even know what sex was to his knowledge wouldn't notice. Wrong.
Clearing his throat and acting like they'd just walked up, Quatre called out cheerfully, "Ohayo, Wufei! How are you this morning?"
Caught unawares, the young dragon spun leveling his shinai at the intruders, ready to defend himself. It just made him even more attractive with the speedy reflexes, tightened muscles, and intense gaze.
[Shit! Shit, shit, shit! I'm so hard it hurts! Couldn't he be a little less sexy or something? I've *got* to get some relief soon or I'm going to die!]
"Oi! Quatre, don't sneak up on me like that when I'm practicing! I might have hurt you! Ugh, I see you got some clothes back on 'nature boy' there. Good, I doubt I'd want to see him out here naked!" And with that, he straightened grabbing a towel and some water he'd brought out. Before he even bothered to dry himself off, Wufei took several deep swigs of the cool beverage then liberally splashed some of what was left onto his face and chest. Beads of water glistened on his sleek body, sending little sparkles of light all around him; he looked heavenly.
[Homina, homina, homina!!! He *can* get sexier! I'm hurtin' here! ITAE!!!]
This little bit of exhibitionism had not been arranged by Quatre, so even *he* was getting turned on. Luckily, he wore his usual loose slacks and nothing was quite as obvious as Duo's condition, he snickered inwardly.
Toweling off, Wufei cast a disgusted look at Duo and said sarcastically, "Maxwell, are you always horny or is today special?"
Duo sputtered, trying to come up with a rational explanation for his extremely obvious arousal, but Quatre covered for him, "Oh, don't be annoyed, Wufei. We just played a few card games with my special FY deck; you know, the one with the naked Miaka in it? And I guess Duo just got a little overly interested in that."
"Hmph!" Wufei grunted. "After last night's noise, I would have thought you wouldn't be 'up' for anything until at least this afternoon, Maxwell. Besides, I didn't think you were interested in women's bodies like a *normal* man would be anyway."
[NANI?!? Wu-man actually *does* know about sex?!? Go figure! Wonder if he'd want to---NAH! He's straight, damnit! Or at least I *think* he's straight. Um, too bad I can't just take a few minutes to go grab a cold shower or something!]
Duo, for once, was actually speechless; he couldn't even form a coherent thought to answer the insult Wufei had spat at him. He couldn't deny the evidence but he couldn't *do* anything about it anyway. He sobbed inwardly at the desperate pain and desire, wishing Heero was close by so he could enjoy it instead. More than a little uncomfortable with the situation, Duo remained silent for fear of blurting out something like, "Hey Wu! Wanna screw?" No, that would definitely be a very, very *bad* idea!
"So, Quatre, what brings you out here?" Luckily for Duo, the bronzed vision of beauty before him had shifted his attention to the other boy, giving Duo a chance to try to calm himself down. It didn't work.
"We thought we'd come out and watch you practice, if that's okay, Wufei. Neither of us has a strong martial arts background and it seemed like a good idea to try to learn more about it from you." Quatre's innocent look would've fooled anyone. He was actually setting up the perfect scenario for the next act in the little April Fool's drama that was playing out nicely.
End Part 1
Enigma
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