March 19, 2001
Title: More Dangerous Liaisons: The
Nightmare
Author: Christine Devilkitty@speakeasy.net
Pairing:13x2
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Language, mention non-consensual sexual activity, Lemon
I’ll get the legal stuff out of the way. Gundam Wing property of Bandai, Sunrise and a host of other people I probably don’t know about. Used for entertainment purposes and because the voices in my head tell me to write this stuff. Scary thought, eh? Not for profit. Characters acting OCC, but in an Alternative Universe you should expect that.
Treize frowned; he was reading in the living room and heard the faint sounds of Duo having a bad night. He thought that there had been something wrong with Duo tonight, but didn’t want to push too hard questioning him about what it was; they had been getting along fairly well together in their time together. It had been awkward in the beginning, but things were working out, he had thought. But Duo still wasn’t sleeping through the night. They both had had their share of nightmares from what had happened to them, but Treize thought that they had been fading for Duo, that he was no longer worrying that either Howard or Miri was to going to find them. The last few weeks had been a very peaceful time for the both of them. But if Duo was still having trouble, then the nightmares weren’t fading for him. He decided to check it out; he had been successful in the past comforting Duo during his nightmares.
Duo moaned and turned over, curling up into a little ball, his body trying to hide from what his mind was dreaming about. Treize walked into the bedroom, worried. He had heard the moans in the living room. Duo had gone to bed early, saying he was tired, leaving Treize to stay up and finish the book he was reading. Duo had been just staring at his, but Treize was not going to argue with him about what he was doing. Something had been bothering Duo, but hopefully he would fall back into his old habits and would eventually tell him what was wrong, so he wouldn’t have to bully it out of him.
After weeks of living together, they had gotten adjusted to each other’s company. Duo hadn’t really ventured beyond the apartment building that they were living in alone, but he said he was fine. He had made a few trips to get supplies and groceries by himself, but nothing that would separate him from Treize for too long. Or let too many people see him. However Duo was very willing to go on any little adventure that he would suggest, from the zoo to any one of the number of small places that Treize wanted to explore; musty book shops, strange specialty shops or exotic grocery stores.
Treize had kept himself busy with reading, catching up on what he had missed in being so isolated and learning the intricacies of doing a load of wash and running a dishwasher. Duo was showing him how to cook, but for some reason, Treize just wanted to watch the slender boy in the kitchen. He was learning to cook, so that Duo didn’t have to all the time, but much preferred Duo’s cooking to anything that he created. And he found out that laundry was a fun thing to do.
Treize stood in the doorway of their shared bedroom, staring at Duo. As usual Duo was dressed in heavy pajamas and hidden under a couple of blankets. Treize usually didn’t see Duo unless he was wearing something to cover up the scars on his body. Treize didn’t understand that, he had already seen Duo naked, he knew what he looked like, and so it wasn’t something that would surprise him. And after the first day, unless Treize initiated it, Duo didn’t touch him. He kept his distance, not letting his guard down around him. That hurt a little.
But once or twice or so many times that he had lost count by now, Treize had caught Duo looking at him, when Duo thought he wasn’t looking. But Treize could feel Duo’s eyes watching him, while he pretended to do something else. Treize was tempted to mention to Duo that he had caught him doing that, except for the look in Duo’s eyes. It was a mixture of longing and resignation. Duo wasn’t going to pressure Treize about anything, as much as it pained him, even after his confession the first day that they were here, that he still loved him and was willing to fall in love with the new him all over again. If it hadn’t been for the longing that Treize had seen in Duo’s eyes, he would have thought that the boy didn’t care anymore. He had heard how Duo had kept their affair from the others; he was very good at controlling himself, his expressions and his emotions. Treize noticed that Duo’s eyes gave him away. Had his fellow pilots been too involved in their own problems to see the changes in Duo during that time, even though he had tried to hide it from them? All they would have had to done was look in his eyes; that’s how Duo communicated everything to the universe, those orbs of endless indigo that he wanted to spend the rest of his life exploring.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, he would feel Duo’s body unconsciously cuddling closer to him for comfort, but in the morning, he was on his own side of the bed. And while he was in bed, he usually was already awake, just curled up there to keep him company, since he had told Duo that he hated waking up alone. Treize didn’t think that Duo was getting more then four or five hours of sleep at night, if that. Exhaustion had finally forced him into bed at an early hour that evening, but even tired, Duo was not going to get the rest he needed, it seemed from what he was seeing.
Duo seemed to have a nightmare almost every night so what sleep he was getting wasn’t restful for him, but Treize didn’t really hear him at that time, but he felt him. Duo thrashed about more then anything, as if he was afraid to make noise. Treize wondered if he was ever going to see Duo without the shadows under his eyes. He just wondered what or who else haunted Duo, things that he wouldn’t tell him about still.
There had been the occasional flashback in the beginning, but Duo seemed to snap out of them all right, just vague after it was over and a little jumpy. He had shaken off any of Treize’s worries with jokes, but Treize knew that there were still times that Duo had to force himself to leave the house and not scream or move away if there was someone too close to him, when they were out. He insisted that he could function and that Treize should not worry about him, but to worry about his self and learn about the past, what he wanted to know about, and any of the things that Duo couldn’t tell him. Treize just wondered if it was what he was reading that set off his fragile companion or overtiredness from pushing himself too hard, fighting with himself not to respond to Treize’s nearness.
The little sob that Duo made settled the matter for Treize; he’d crawl into bed and hopefully Duo would sleep better; it helped sometimes. He walked over to he bed and sat down, hoping that he didn’t frighten Duo. He carefully slid under the blankets and awkwardly wiggled closer to Duo, without waking him up. It was a little inelegant, but he gradually managed to inch closer and lie next to Duo. Duo froze when he felt another person near him but soon relaxed, listening to whatever internal signal informed him that the person next to him was harmless, that he could trust him. Treize was worried, the rapid flickering of his eyeballs underneath his lids, told him that Duo was dreaming. He didn’t think that it was a good dream, but something out of his past that had come back to haunt him. A small whine formed in Duo’s throat, stopped only by the whispered reassurances that Treize made. He had learned early that Duo panicked if he felt trapped, by either the bedclothes or Treize’s arms or legs landing on his body while they were sleeping.
Treize had thought that it was over when he settled down with him, when Duo suddenly sat up and screamed. After that one heartrending endless scream he was silent, and fought against Treize as he was hugging him and rocking back and forth with him, in hope that he’d wake up. Treize knew that he shouldn’t touch Duo when he was like this, but he couldn’t help trying to comfort to him, Duo sounded so lost, so alone. After an endless time of Duo struggling against his embrace, he finally woke up, still fighting Treize. He blinked his eyes a few times to clear them and focus himself, apparently trying remember where his was, not where his dream told him he was.
“I’m sorry,” Duo croaked faintly.
“No problem,” Treize reassured him, glad that he had been able to hold him without hurting Duo. Duo might be little and slender, but he still had strength in his body and had been trained to fight. Treize wondered what he had been dreaming about to have that reaction. Duo was covered in sweat, his hair plastered to his face, where it didn’t fall tangled down his back. He wore it loose only at night and Treize sometimes had to fight with himself not run his hands through that mane, just to feel the weight of it and the wonderful silky texture. He wondered if Duo knew how tempting he was with his hair loose and gazing at him sleepily. Treize had to fight leaning over and kissing him senseless every time he saw him that way.
“I’m gonna take a shower now.” Duo whispered, “I’m dirty.”
“No you’re not,” Treize reassured him, knowing that Duo wasn’t referring to the sweat that covered his body. He reluctantly let him go though, knowing that Duo would just start fighting again if he wouldn’t let go of him fast enough. He found that out by accident, Duo had been still half asleep and didn’t know who was with him. Treize hoped that he didn’t remember the incident. The nightmare hadn’t been a bad one, that time Treize guessed, since Duo after a couple of minutes had turned over and went back to sleep scooting over to the edge of the bed, away from Treize. He was just glad that he hadn’t bruised from the hit in the jaw that he took, he didn’t ever want to tell Duo how violent he had gotten.
“I feel it…” was the faint comment as Duo went into the bathroom.
Treize sighed as he went to change the sheets, they were soaked with sweat. The blankets were a little damp also. The top one was dry enough but he decided to wash it with the others. He stripped the sheets and blankets, bundling them into a ball, he’d take care of them later. He got clean sheets and blankets to remake the bed. Treize was listening to the shower, while he was doing all this, trying not to worry when it sounded like Duo was going to stay in there until he emptied the building’s water tank. Letting him having sometime in the shower, Treize pounded on the door.
“Duo…I’m coming in to get your pajamas and leave you another pair.” He called. And check to see if you’re all right because I’m worried that I caused that nightmare. Reminding you of things that shouldn’t ever see the light of day again because they are evil to you, but it was just a book on mobile suit designs from the war. You said that I made one; I wonder how functioned? What about Quatre’s comment that the AI was strange? What it looked like? What yours looked like? I know it was black, because that is the color of the jewelry that Howard fastened onto you. That book would tell me all those things, because I didn’t want to hurt you by asking questions, making you remember something that was bad for you. But I hurt you anyways. I should have just asked you about the damned thing.He was worried that he didn’t get an answer, but the door wasn’t locked, that was a good thing. He gently opened the door, expecting the wall of steam that flowed towards him. He knew that Duo liked taking hot showers, but this might be a little too much. As he went in further to the tiny room, he heard Duo’s faint sobs over the water that was running.
Treize stopped, wondering if he should press the issue. Duo needed a shoulder to cry on; he felt that deep inside. But Duo also hated anyone seeing his body, even him. Treize had noticed the layers of clothing that Duo wore at all the times, clothes that would conceal the things that Howard had fastened to his body, the scars that Mirialdo had given him. Duo was hiding them from himself and the rest of the world. Treize shrugged; the worst that could happen was that Duo kicked him out of the bathroom. As he got closer to the shower, he heard words the words that Duo was chanting under his breath, “Not again. Not again. So dirty, so filthy…so many.” Scrubbing himself red with the washcloth, Duo was muttering this to himself as he crouched in the shower and cried.
Treize’s heart stopped. Duo must have been dreaming of something really bad, probably Miri. No wonder he woke up screaming and fighting. He had nightmares about his former keeper too. Mostly about Miri hurting Duo because he had run away from Miri and he was with Duo again. The nightmares had tapered off after a couple of weeks when things remained calm.
“Duo?” he called again.
No answer, just that low voiced commentary. Treize leaned over and turned off the water, worried that Duo was going to boil himself more then anything. The heat from the water and his scrubbing at them had turned his scars red and they looked recent, rather then a couple of years old, raw and ugly. He wondered briefly how Duo had managed to survive what happened to him without anyone to take care of him. Treize grabbed one of the oversized beach towels that Duo used as a bath towel and wrapped him in it. He got into the tub and slowly lifted Duo up from his crouched position to a standing one, worried that Duo was still talking to himself, not acknowledging anything that was happening to him. He gently stopped Duo’s hands that had been rubbing the washcloth over the same spot for the last minute. That broke Duo’s trance and he looked up at Treize in a daze.
“T-chan?” Duo breathed hopefully, his eyes staring at Treize with such love and then frowned, his eyes filling with tears. “You’re dead…Wufei killed you…because I loved you. I’m Shinigami. No one loves me and lives.”
“Shhh Duo,” Trieze soothed him, lightly stroking his check. The name had held such longing in it. Duo’s eyes, they glowed Treize swore, with the love that he was feeling. What kind of relationship had he had with this shattered child in front of him? What had been done to Duo in the past to have him breakdown so thoroughly when the war ended? Why couldn’t he remember him? He had dreamed of other people, but never of Duo. Duo had tried to hide it, but that had devastated him. To be forgotten…by the one person that he had cared for.
Duo’s intense stare never wavered. “It told me that. That machine. It was evil…why did you make it, T-chan? It…-whispered-…to you long after you left it. There were times…in space…when I was alone…I heard it talking to me…telling me that I should find it again…take it from Mirialdo…he was too weak for it…that I was Shinigami and he was only a pale imitation…no matter what he thought…I wondered what it told him…you… did you hear it in Luxembourg, in space…afterwards…with him…was that the reason you forgot me?”
Treize wondered what Duo was talking about. What machine? The Gundam that they had told him, that he had designed, Epyon? A mobile suit was a tool, nothing else, no thing that was living. So why did Duo claim that it talked to him? Wondered if he had heard it afterwards? Told him that he still did. Was Duo insane like he thought?
“Duo, let me dry you off and put you back to bed, let you get some sleep for once.”
Duo blinked and shook his head. “Don’t you remember? We have to fool them…they want me to keep you amused…or else…”
“Duo?” Treize asked, wondering where that came from. Did he mean what he thought he meant? That he thought that they were still involved, that the war never ended. That he still knew what dark forces drove this slender wraith in front of him. That those bastard scientists were still listening to them. That they hadn’t died and freed Duo from their control.
“C’mon T-chan…” Duo coaxed him suddenly, voice getting a little huskier and a light teasing tone coming into it. Treize had never heard Duo like this before he swore. Seductive, very seductive, nothing like he had been with him. What had Duo lost when he gave up after the war? “…I’m havin’ fun, you should too…you said that you didn’t mind.”
“Mind what, Duo?” Treize asked, wondering what he was dealing with here. He didn’t think that Duo had done this before to anyone, it wasn’t covered under the long list that was the care and feeding instructions for Duo Maxwell that he had been given by Une. Une had been very specific about things that happened when something set Duo off, this wasn’t one of them.
“Them listening…you know…” Duo’s eyes darkened, then silently pleaded with him, begging him to understand. “I know I’m just a whore, but please don’t turn one of the others into one for those bastards. They’re all nice guys…they shouldn’t know, but you shouldn’t either…’Neechan doesn’t want you to know. But…”
“Duo…” Treize repeated, worried. Duo’s mind was someplace else tonight. Had he finally lost the battle with himself? Did his guilt win at last in the nightly fight with his sanity? Was he still asleep? Treize thought that Duo was getting better because he was gaining some weight back and the flashbacks seemed to be tapering off. But if this was happening he wasn’t getting better, he might be getting worse. He didn’t want it to get worse, he didn’t want to be responsible for Duo’s breakdown by taking him away from everyone that loved him.
Another blink, the pleading was gone and suddenly Duo’s eyes looked cynical and his voice was hard. “Love’s a myth, haven’t you learned that yet? The bastard walked out on you, live with it.”
Oh God Duo, what’s happening here? Why are you saying these things? What’s wrong? You believe in love, that’s about the only thing that kept you going these last years, the love that you had for everyone. Treize tried not to panic as he started to dry off Duo. He felt a little warm to the touch, but that could be from the shower. Or he might be sick and running as slight fever. Treize was hoping that Duo was only physically ill and hadn’t mentally gone over the edge.
Duo stood still, content to let Treize take care of him. Not saying another word, thankfully. If Duo had been like this with Howard, no wonder he had kept the boy drugged all the time. It was unnerving to say the least. Heartbreaking, when you realized why he was saying these things, did using Epyon in battle drive one insane? Was that part of Miri’s problem? Was that why he had lost his memory? Or had these thoughts echoed in Duo’s head while he was in space, alone and they still came back to haunt him in his dreams, long after they should be forgotten?
After he was all dried off, Treize led Duo into the other room, hoping to put him back to bed. He’d brush out Duo’s hair once he got him settled into bed. Since Duo had been quiet for a while, Treize was surprise to hear him start talking again, when he was brushing out his hair.
“Sister Helen,” Duo said in a younger sounding voice, not childish, but close to it. “It was nice that it rained. I got to wash my hair again. I’m sorry they sent me back…again. It’s not because you’ve done a bad job here. You placed everyone else. Thank you.”
Treize just made slight ‘sshhhing’ noise as he brushed out Duo’s hair and tried to figure out who Duo was talking to. He sounded like a child, but he never mentioned that someone had taken care of him as a child. But he couldn’t have been on the street all his life, someone must have cared for him once, shown him some kindness? Was that who he was talking to?
“But…is it wrong to want to keep my hair?” Duo asked sadly.
Treize just hugged the boy lightly and hoped that Duo would fall asleep, He felt warm to the touch, but he should be better in the morning. He just had to decide whether or not he wanted to mention this to Duo. He reluctantly let Duo go, knowing that he didn’t like to be touched by him. He turned to retrieve Duo’s pajamas from the bathroom, knowing that he should get him dressed, he would be ashamed that Treize had seen him naked when he woke up. That he had been this out of control.
Duo curled up in a ball on the bed when Treize was finished with him, ignoring the fact that he was naked for once, prompting Treize to overlook that problem for now. He could always get the pajamas later. It was more important that Duo had calmed down. Treize striped down and slipped in beside him, being careful not to touch Duo in anyway. His clothes had gotten wet when he retrieved Duo out of the shower. He was concerned that Duo was shivering, but didn’t want to leave him to grab something else for himself to wear, now that Duo had settled down and stopped talking. And he liked sleeping naked, he only wore something to make Duo feel more comfortable. Duo gradually gravitated to Treize’s warmth, burrowing closer to the bigger man, still shivering a little, apparently cold even though he had a couple of blankets around him and felt too warm to Treize. He was mumbling something that Treize only caught a portion of.
“…Solo…s’cold. Supposed to be warmer here…we’ll get sick…”
Treize gently stoked Duo’s hair and hoped that in the morning, things would be better. They couldn’t get any worse.
They weren’t. Treize woke up to Duo silently crying, sitting on the bed cross-legged and shivering violently. He was staring blindly at Treize and tugging at the collar that was around his throat, apparently trying to break it. Treize wondered how long Duo had been doing that; his neck was starting to bruise. Treize leaned over and grabbed Duo’s hands, holding them by his side for a second, before letting them go. He was surprised when Duo leaned over and threw his arms around Treize, sobbing hysterically.
“I’m not a dog! I’m a person! Get this off me!”
“Shhh Duo, we can’t remember?” Treize asked, running his hands up and down Duo’s back, trying to sooth him. “They’re trying to find something to open them, get rid of all that…” His voiced trailed off as he saw that Duo wasn’t listening, that he looked like was going to start jerking at the collar again.
Duo wasn’t burning up and Treize had no idea what to do. He thought that Duo was ill, that’s why he was rambling the way he was, but that didn’t seem to be the problem. So what was causing Duo to talk like this? After he got Duo calmed down, he’d call Iria, even though she and Duo didn’t like each other. Treize had made a mental note to get to the bottom of that sometime, he had a suspicion that it was something else from the war. He had her personal contact code, she could recommend something or someone to help them. He had no idea what to do; vague thoughts filled his head of what to do, mostly left over from when he was recovering from his own injuries. Nothing that would help with Duo the way that he was now.
“Duo…” he whispered into his ear, “I have to call Iria. Just let go so I can call her.”
Duo let go, curling up into a ball, sobbing, “Not a dog, Not a dog…”
Trieze left reluctantly, wanting nothing more then to keep comforting Duo, even if he was out of his head and wouldn’t remember it. He stopped before he got to the phone, a stray thought crossing his mind. Duo said that he had a few odd drug reactions, maybe this was because of some drug that he took, even though he didn’t like taking drugs? He might have at last given in to taking something that a doctor prescribed for him. Treize made a beeline to the bathroom before calling Iria. He frowned at the medicine cabinet, wondering if Duo was silly enough to take something that had been prescribed for someone else. Fatima had left a few bottles of medicine in there, prescriptions that she didn’t think that she would need on a dig. As he searched through the cabinet, he came across a small bottle that was hidden in back, behind the odds and ends that filled up a medicine cabinet. The label said that there should be twenty pills in it and he counted sixteen. It was Duo’s prescription at least, he just didn’t know what it was for or if Duo even had taken any of it. He decided to wait a couple of more minutes before calling Iria. Or he’d just call the name on the bottle, the doctor could tell him what they were for and he wouldn’t involve Iria, which might be better for all of them. Who the hell was Sally Po? Une and the others never mentioned her, but there was a lot that they hadn’t had time to talk about. He’d wait a while, the time difference between the colony and Earth made it the middle of the night for the doctor, so she wouldn’t be in her office. He’d call in a couple of hours, maybe Duo would be calmed down by then.
Treize crawled back into bed, happy that Duo had stopped crying. He was ecstatic when Duo actually cuddled up to him in bed, falling asleep again. He had hoped that Duo would be a little more aware of his surroundings this morning. That he wouldn’t have to listen to that rambling, heartbreaking monologue again. But he seemed to have fallen back asleep while he was trying to figure out what to do. He would let Duo sleep some more, it might help him be a little more coherent when he was talking to him. “Good morning?” Treize asked cautiously.
Duo murmured something sleepily and snuggled in further to Treize’s embrace. Treize smiled involuntarily and shifted so that he was more comfortable. Duo wasn’t really awake, but he wasn’t hysterical or babbling any more, which was a plus. So now he would just lay here and cuddle Duo until he woke up some more. He didn’t know if Duo would appreciate the gesture, but he was going to enjoy it. He liked the feel of Duo sleeping trustingly in his arms. Duo wasn’t too trusting in a lot of other areas, right now, since he was fighting with himself not to respond to Treize’s small touches and random kindnesses, the little things that he liked doing for him, because Duo did the same small, silent favors for him. Duo didn’t want to be hurt again and he was going to hurt himself trying not to get hurt. Treize wondered what he could do to convince Duo that he wasn’t taking advantage of Treize, that he wanted to be with him. He knew what the arrangements would be like, since they had planned this back on Earth. He was happy here, he hoped that Duo could be happy too.
He had fallen in love all over again with this strange fairy that had just popped into his life. He just had to convince him of that. Did Duo think that he was unlovable because of his past, the killings that he had done and the other things that he needed to do to survive? That he wore his scars on outside, unlike most of his fellow pilots, made him ugly and unlovable? Or was his just too scared to try again, that he was afraid to love because of all the terrible things that had happened to him? Treize didn’t know but he wanted to tell Duo that nothing mattered, that they could make it work again, that Duo shouldn’t be afraid of love, it was a wonderful mystery that they could explore for the rest of their lives.
Or did Duo think that he should go back to Quatre and the others? That he was willing to become part of whatever odd arrangement that was going on there? Or that staying with them would be better for Treize? So Duo’s life wasn’t spotless, neither was his. Just because he didn’t remember all the things that he did, doesn’t mean that he hadn’t done them! And there was his life after the war. He willingly let Miri abuse his body, just so that he could have some sort of illusion of love. So how did that make him a better person then Duo? It just showed what a desperate fool he had been. Thank God Miri had been sick enough to taunt him with Duo, that had been the final act of abuse that let him walk away from that mess. And now he was going to enjoy life outside the little cage that he had constructed for himself. And part of that enjoyment was going to be cuddling with Duo in bed. Treize absently rubbed Duo’s back for a while, before falling back to sleep himself.
Duo woke up a little while later, wondering why his eyes were scratchy and he had a headache. He blinked a couple of times and then decided that keeping them shut was a good idea. What wasn’t a good idea was the fact that he and T-chan were cuddled together in bed, his head on T-chan’s chest listening to his heartbeat. And breathing in his scent, that intoxicating combination of roses and musk. He wanted this so badly, he must be dreaming again. But in his dreams, T-chan’s chest wasn’t scarred and Duo felt the burn scars beneath his cheek, had caught a glimpse of them when he had his eyes open. And he couldn’t run away, get dressed and hope that T-chan never caught him like this because it was so wrong and so wonderful and they were all tangled together, arms, legs and hair, like they used to sleep. Duo was trying to figure out how he was going to untangle himself from T-chan when he felt his arms tighten around him in a hug.
“You’re awake.” Treize said quietly.
Duo gave up trying to move and laid still. “Yeah.” he mumbled into Treize’s chest.
“Are you feeling better?”
“Ummm.” Duo stalled. He had no idea how they ended up in bed like this. He just realized that they were both naked. He wasn’t naked when he went to bed. He had popped a couple of sleeping pills Sally had given him ages ago, because he wanted to sleep through the night for once. He hadn’t done that since before London and he was not going to make a good impression on people if he had bags under his eyes and looked like a poster child for sleep deprivation. They were going to think that T-chan was doing something weird to him, they had already gotten a few strange glances because of their apparent age difference. And he was so tired, he was afraid that he would start to make mistakes around T-chan and do something stupid. Or get more paranoid, sleep deprivation did that to you, he had experienced it years ago, during training. G wanted him to know what the symptoms were in case he was captured and that was how they tortured him for information. So before he started to believe that the pretty flowers were going to suck his brain out, he decided to get some real sleep, drugged or not. Well they were now naked in bed snuggled up together, how stupider could that be then sleep deprivation for him? This was the place where he wanted to be the most and the worst thing that the two of them could have done, having him wake up naked in T-chan’s arms.
“You don’t remember?” Treize asked. Please don’t. I don’t want you to realize how frightening you were last night to me. Talking about things that no one should know about, you’re so kind to me, couldn’t you just let me be kind to you? Let me love you again.
Duo sighed and attempted to shake his head. It was kind of hard, plastered the way that he was against T-chan, so he just muttered “No.” He debated whether he should move and decided that he wouldn’t. He’d stay like this as long as he could, the memory of this might keep some of the bad ones at bay. Any excuse to stay wrapped up in those arms, he felt so safe here. God he had missed this, waking up in his arms, have a quiet moment with Treize before joining the rat race outside their room. Before he had to play the clown and put on his mask.
“I’m glad,” was Treize’s soft reply. “It was…intense…to say the least.” Intense would cover part of it, heartbreaking the other part. I caught glimpses of what you used to be like. Seductive, playful, alluring. I can see why those perverts sent you to my bed. And why I let you stay.
“What happened?” Dug asked, dreading the reply. What he could have done? Why they were naked? Did he hurt T-chan? They were all questions that flashed through has mind. “I didn’t …I didn’t hurt you?” he asked fearfully.
That’s all T-chan needed, another abusive person in his life. Duo was mentally wondering when the next shuttle to Quatre’s headquarters was and how fast he could get T-chan on it, away from him and to safety, when he felt T-chan’s fingers lifting his chin up, so that they were staring into each other’s eyes. Duo marveled at how ‘blue’ they were. And how concerned they looked, staring into his own. How beautiful and loving and innocent, those eyes were. And they shouldn’t be looking at him like that, because he didn’t deserve it. He was just a street whore that nothing good ever lasted with, before it became broken and ugly, like he was.
“You had a nightmare.” Treize started, after staring into his eyes for a second. Duo was frightened that something bad happened. It had, but not to Treize, but to Duo.
Duo’s eyes never left his face as he started his explanation. “And after it was through, I thought you had woken up. But now, I’m not so sure. You went to take a shower and when you didn’t come out, I went in after you, to check to see if you were okay. You weren’t and when I was getting you out of the shower and drying you off, you asked me a couple of questions, said a few things that were, disturbing to say the least. I finally got you settled down in bed and I didn’t want to bother you by making you get dressed.” Treize hesitated for a second, then added. “You were comfortable about being naked with me.” he explained quietly.
Duo blinked in surprise. That explained him, why was T-chan naked? And what did he say to him? And how strung out had he been if he wasn’t covering up the crap on his body? He hated the jewelry more then he hated the scars now. Both were reminders of his stupidity. And experiences that he never wanted to be reminded of again, that he couldn’t stop thinking of at odd times, because the evidence was always staring at him.
Treize continued softly, as if a too loud voice would send Duo skittering away from him. He didn’t want that, he wanted Duo to sleep in his arms and he wanted to wake up breathing his scent every morning, feel his hair tickling him in odd places. He wanted Duo to sleep with him, not just share a bed. “I had gotten wet, retrieving you from the shower. And I didn’t want to leave you alone to find something to wear to bed. You curled up next to me and fell asleep again. We woke up earlier today… you were still a little upset. That’s how the bruises on your throat happened.”
Duo swallowed, he was wondering why his throat felt sore. “What happened?”
Treize started to rub his back, Duo almost purred because it felt so good. Treize’s voice was still subdued, “You were crying that you weren’t a dog, that you shouldn’t have a collar on.”
“Oh.” Duo wanted to say more, but he was numb. What else had he said? How big a fool did he make of himself? Why was T-chan worried about him? He was flushing that prescription down the toilet when he got up. He didn’t remember this from the last time he took it, but he had been alone that night, no one around for him to terrify with his insanity. Hell being that alone was the reason that he had popped them. He didn’t want to lay awake in an empty house listening to it settle, while Relena and Une were off on a mini-vacation and Maria was having a sleepover at school friend’s house. He had thought that losing a little time was worth it. He now thought he was lucky he didn’t burn the house down or something under the influence of those things.
“I checked the medicine cabinet and found a prescription there for you, from a Sally Po. I think that might have been the problem. But I have no idea what they were supposed to do and who Sally Po is?”
Duo mentally sighed in relief, he could stall by explaining things to T-chan. And maybe it would come back to him, he could peel back that huge black blot that was covering his memories of last night.
“Sally Po’s my doctor. She works out of Preventer Headquarters. I meet her during the war, she was a Feddie doctor before the OZ takeover and then she went rebel. Her and Wufei bumped into each other a lot, during the war. I blew a hole in her hospital rescuing Heero. You guys might even know each other.” Duo sounded excited about the last statement. He liked discovering people that might know Treize, it was a long shot, but you never know.
“And why were you rescuing Heero? I thought that he wasn’t one to get captured by the enemy, since he blew himself up on the orders of his controller.” Treize asked trying to get Duo to stay in his arms longer by talking to him.
Duo smiled and attempted to shrug. The movement caused the hoops on his nipples to move on him and he shivered at the sensation that they produced. Treize loosened his grip around Duo at that reaction and was pleased that he didn’t take advantage of this to try and get out of bed, he just moved away a little so that they weren’t rubbing against him, so that he wouldn’t embarrass himself.
“It’s complicated.” Duo started.
“Is there anything about your relationship with the others that isn’t?” Treize asked in amusement. Complicated by their training, their past and how they all survived the war. It would have been nice if they all could have live normal lives after they had stopped fighting.
Duo shook his head, smiling a little, shrugging was out unless he wanted to be reduced to a pile of mindless Jell-o with the reactions. He had thought that he was over that crap, that what had happened before was the result of the drugs that Howard was feeding him. Obviously it wasn’t if just brushing his nipple rings a little against T-chan made him shiver with desire. He fought the impulse to keep rubbing against T-chan until his nipples and a few other things were rock hard on both of them. He wanted the older man, but he wasn’t going to throw himself at him. He wasn’t going to make T-chan think that he had to have sex with him. That would be so bad. He was happy that he was letting him cuddle this close to him, he wasn’t going to push it. He’d take what he could get and not want more. Duo knew that tomorrow he wouldn’t be allowed to get this close.
“Heero was in the hospital because I shot him. We didn’t know each other then, he thought that I was the enemy.” Duo explained, “I thought that he was being an idiot because he was going to shoot Relena, because she knew too much. He had lost his Gundam in the ocean during his entry to Earth and his time there was one mistake after another. And she managed to see most of them.” Duo smiled. “The thing that he had suffered and trained for and it wasn’t cooperating with him at all. We were all at an OZ base, on its beach, I had found Wing abandoned in the ocean and it was coming into shore with Shinigami there. Then Heero tries to blow them up as they get closer with a couple of missiles that he had hot wired. That failed, but the Sweepers had a bitch of a time getting mine repaired and Heero wouldn’t let anyone touch Wing, but that’s another story. Heero passes out, I get the hell out of there with the Gundams because it’s starting to get really messy and Relena drags Heero to the hospital. An Alliance Military hospital. That’s one of the places that the Feddies found out that Heero was a bit off.”
Treize chuckled at the story. Duo grinned back at him. “I know, sounds so bad now. But that’s how I met Relena. And she was visiting Heero when I sneaked in there to get him out because it’s my fault that he’s in there. So I blow a hole in the hospital and we go out that way. On the fiftieth floor. I’m riding down on a whirly gig, while Heero was jumping out of the hole with a parachute. He doesn’t pull the damn string in time and ended up with a broken leg. He later set it himself, in front of me. That was disturbing!”
Treize enjoyed watching Duo tell his story. His eyes had sparkled and he was so animated, even if he wasn’t moving. Remembering the good times in his past, gave him an energy that Treize hadn’t seen in him before. He leaned down to kiss Duo, only to be stopped with a finger on his lips.
“Don’t.” was all he said. I want you so much. Just don’t let me give in to this need, because it would be disastrous for us both. I am barely holding back wanting kiss you breathless, don’t encourage this…me…its wrong…too soon for both of us. Its bad and its good and I don’t know if I deserve this or if you will stay with me. I can’t get that involved and then try and pick up the pieces when you walk away from me. And you should leave me, I’m too crazy to be in a relationship with anyone, you deserve something better.
“Duo…” Treize started, wondering what Duo’s reaction would be if he started licking and sucking on his finger. Duo must have seen something in his eyes, because he pulled back suddenly and tried to get up. Treize sighed and let him go.
It was like he was taming an alley cat. He had to go slow and gentle, hoping that Duo wouldn’t retreat too far from him, before he again relaxed enough around him to trust Treize, after he misjudged what Duo wanted. They had been doing well, Duo felt relaxed in his arms, even with both of them naked. So why did he have to ruin it by pushing Duo too fast by wanting to kiss him? He was getting as bad as Heero and Wufei.
Duo retreated to the other side of the bed, sitting cross-legged and hiding behind his hair. “I…”
Treize smiled sadly. “I know that you and I shouldn’t go further then what we have been doing, yet.” He let the yet echo around the room for a while. “We both have too many bad memories and experiences to jump into having sex, this soon in trying to rebuild our relationship. I understand this, even though it hurts a little that you are so skittish around me. I wasn’t going to do more then kiss you. And we’ve done that before.” We had sex before! Granted it was because I felt sorry for you, but it wouldn’t be like that now. I want to make love to you, because I know you now. Let me love you.
Duo shivered and wrapped his arms around himself. Treize was happy that he wasn’t wrapping a blanket around himself. Duo was still beautiful, even if he hadn’t the flawless skin that he had before. Treize could understand that he didn’t like looking so thin and young, but Duo was slowly building his weight back up, since he was eating again. They had started exercising in the morning together. Duo had started practicing yoga to try and relax a long time ago and it also helped keep him in reasonable shape that is if he had been taking care of himself in other ways. And flexible, a little voice taunted Treize in the back of his mind, you want him to wrap himself around you in some of the positions he’s taken.
“I know. And I’m sorry. But…I can’t give in. I want to! I want you so much! I want to wake up with you, be with you, watch you read and anything else I can think of. If we start kissing, I’m afraid that we aren’t going to stop. And it would be my fault. You said last night was intense. What did I say to you?” How did I scare you…what am I going to have to worry about now?
Treize sat up and propped himself up on the headboard, buying time be fooling with the pillows behind his back. “A lot of things. And it scared me, because it wasn’t one of the things that they warned me about. You should know that Une and Relena made huge list of things that I should watch out for, things that I should call one of them about. Last night wasn’t covered by that list. And before you get angry about what they did, its because they love you and were worried about you.” Treize laughed. “Even if it left me with the impression that they think you do not have the common sense to get out of the rain.”
Duo laughed with Treize. He couldn’t get angry with them, they were trying to warn Treize about that he was moving in with someone that was a candidate for the funny farm most of the time. “I don’t have the sense to get out of the rain.”
He hesitated for a second, getting thoughtful. “On the L2 colony that I was living on, rain was something to be enjoyed. It was a chance for water. Water is still rationed there, so when I got to Earth, I always stayed out in the rain, running around and just enjoying it. Rain was good on the Earth, it didn’t taste recycled like the rain on L2. I like rain. Snow is for the birds, but rain is something nice. And watching the plants grow because of rain, the things that live in puddles after a rainstorm, I like that. It's one of the main reasons that I didn’t go back to the colonies, afterwards.”
“Ah, that explains one of the things that you said to me last night, that you were happy it rained.” Treize hesitated for a moment. “You were talking to a Sister Helen.”
Duo blinked. He must have been really strung out if he thought he was talking to her. The pills were definitely getting flushed, as soon as he got up. But for now he owed T-chan an explanation for the way he had been talking. “What did I say?”
Treize thought for a second. “That you were glad that it rained. And she shouldn’t be sad if you kept getting sent back, that she had placed all the others.”
Duo nodded. “I was in an orphanage for a while, between living with the gangs. Sister Helen took care of the kids. I was a bit older then the others, and since they couldn’t place me, I helped out a lot. That’s were I learned to cook and she tried to make sure that I had some education in the arts. She loved Gilbert and Sullivan. And she liked taking care of my hair. Sister Helen was the closest thing that I had to a mother for the time that I was there.” Duo’s tone was thoughtful and a bit sad. He sat there quietly, stoking his hair. Lost in his memories for a while, he was startled when Treize finally said something to him.
“Huh?” was the only thing that he could manage and then he blushed, because he hadn’t been paying attention. Treize enjoyed watching the blush slowly climb up Duo’s neck to his face.
“I asked you, what happened?” Treize said quietly, “You sounded like you were really happy there.” How did you go from happy church orphan to a terrorist? And was that when you decided that you were unlovable, because no narrow-minded couple was willing to adopt you? Because even at that time, you were an adult, knew what you wanted. It must have hurt to be rejected all those times, I’m so sorry that it had happened to you!
Duo frowned and his eyes darkened. He switched positions so that he was huddled on the bed, his legs crossed in front of him. He winced a little at the chiming sound his anklets made when the hit each other. “It got blown up by the Feddies. Kinda my fault too. I was out stealing a mobile suit for the rebels so that they would leave us alone. And then the Feddies bombed the place. A church filled with children, women and a handful of rebels, over two hundred souls. But then, we hadn’t been cooperating with either side. Father Maxwell was a great believer in the neutrality of the church. They want me, both sides, because I could fix things. I’m a damn good mechanic. But I didn’t want to be with either of them. I wanted to be a kid. I was about eleven or so. Never did get around to picking out a birthday or an age for myself. It was mostly guesswork on the part of G, when he found me a later, about actually how old I was. And he might not have realized how much malnutrition and the side effects of the plague threw off his charts.”
Treize shook his head. “I’m sorry. I knew how lost I felt, before Miri told me anything. There was about a month of him reading to me, in different languages. I didn’t know what language I was thinking in even or what my name was. So I understand, I think. That I am able to find these things out because of better documentation, doesn’t wipe away the fact that for a month I had really no sense of …self, I guess. I think he really enjoyed that. Enjoyed making me into what he wanted.”
Both of them were silent for the next few minutes, Duo eyeing Treize warily wondering what was going to happen next, while he thought about what Duo had said. Duo jumped a little at the sound of Treize’s stomach growling.
“My turn to make breakfast,” he said, tumbling off the bed in his haste to get out of there. Thank God for an excuse to get out of there!
Treize almost smiled at Duo’s nervousness. Finding out what happened last night was difficult for Duo, he didn’t like the feeling of helplessness that not knowing what he had done gave him. Any excuse to stop talking about it was going to be welcomed by him. And he now had an excuse to put clothes on, since he was crawling out of bed and cooking. “Can I ask you a few questions at breakfast?”
“T-chan…” Duo started and then stopped with a sigh. “I told you that you could ask me anything.”
He turned at the other man, staring him straight in the eye, trying to reassure him, he hated the fact that Miriado had made him this uncertain. Treize smiled slowly at that statement and crawled out of bed himself. While Duo’s had been a tumble of arms and legs, Treize managed to glide out of bed without breaking eye contact with Duo. “I can ask you…anything?” he purred. I want you. I want to ask you if I can make love to you. I want to ask you if you will start believing that I can love you, not caring about what had happened in you life before. I want to ask you to love me, the me of now, not the manipulative bastard that ran that war. I want to ask you if we will ever stop dancing about the questions that we have about each other and the future.
Duo on his part swallowed nervously at the sight of T-chan gracefully getting out of bed and sauntering towards him. He bit his lip to distract himself and hoped that T-chan maintained eye contact because he felt himself hardening at the sight of his former lover gliding towards him and his hair wasn’t covering the growing erection, that T-chan’s teasing question had involuntarily caused.
Treize noticed Duo’s reaction to his impromptu maneuver and almost smiled. He didn’t think that he would have that reaction on Duo. But Duo was a teenager and his hormones were still very much alive, more so now that he was getting into better mental and physical shape. Treize reached where Duo was frozen in place, just staring at him with poorly concealed desire in his eyes and leaned over to give him a deep kiss and embrace him. Duo stiffened when he came in contact with Treize. And started struggling a little when he realized that Treize was getting as hard as he was and the kiss wasn’t doing anything to calm either one of them down.
After a minute, Treize stopped kissing Duo. He looked down at Duo’s passion glazed eyes and his kiss swollen lips and smiled. Duo was unconsciously rubbing his whole body against him, moaning deep in his throat and it took all his self-control not to throw him back on the bed and spend the rest of the morning enjoying each other. He took a deep breath and tried to let go of Duo, but was surprised that Duo just grabbed his ass and pulled them together, trying grind their bodies together frantically, groaning his name the entire time. As Treize felt his control ebb away, giving into the feelings that Duo was creating in him, when Duo suddenly stopped with a sob and leaned his head against Treize’s chest. Treize then felt Duo soften against him.
“I’m sorry.” Treize said, worried by Duo’s reaction, had he scared him. Or disgusted him in some way? “Not that I did this, but that I might have scared you by acting like this. I don’t know what possessed me. But if I thought I could get away with it, I’d throw you back on that bed and try to make love to you.”
“I don’t need your pity.” Duo whispered.
“Its not pity!” Treize growled, annoyed. “I like you and I am attracted to you. I just wished that you believed it.” He was surprised to hear another little sob and he felt Duo’s tears falling on his chest. That cooled his passion faster then Duo softening against him. Duo had wanted him, lusted for him, he had seen that much in his eyes, hear it in the way that he said his name. And that passion hadn’t been faked, they had been both close to the edge when Duo just stopped and softened, it had been like someone had thrown a switch in him. What had happened?
“I’m sorry that I frightened you,” he continued in a softer tone, “but I do want you. I don’t know if its lust or love or what, but I know that it's not because I think I owe it to you. Or that it’s out of pity. I want you to feel as beautiful as I think that you are.
“I feel like I’m someone else’s property.” Duo whispered brokenly. “I can’t forget that because every time I look in the mirror I see it. I move and I feel the things that he put in me, to show that he ‘owns’ me. And I hear him say that he’s going to come after me. I’m starting to remember what happened during that time…” Duo started sobbing hopelessly, the wails of the child that had just realized how lost he was.
Treize gathered Duo in his arms and carried him back the bed. Duo fought a little until he realized that Treize was just holding him gently, stoking his back, letting him cry himself out. Duo sniffed and tried not to feel like an idiot. Running away in fear or crying was not how one should react to a come on. And he had done both things at the news that someone found him attractive. It should be flattering that people were doing the asking and he wasn’t begging them. He was a physical and mental disaster area, who would want to have any type of relationship with him?
He was nothing, nobody. A crazy person that was supposedly owned by another crazy person. Someone that was so weak that he allowed himself to be fucked like an animal and he enjoyed it! That was what his nightmare was about last night. He was starting to remember all the things that he did with Howard. God, he was disgusting, he almost let himself be used like that forever, and he had seriously thought that there would be nothing wrong with Howard turning him into his little fuck toy.
“I shouldn’t have teased you like that.” Treize apologized softly, gently stroking Duo’s back. His fingertips felt every burn and scar that was underneath his fingers. He shivered when he imagined Miri taking the time to carefully burn all the vertebrae on Duo’s back in a straight line with his cigarette. The care and calculation that he had put into torturing Duo, the large patches of scar tissue that he felt, the sections where it seemed that Miri had lifted large strips of skin off of Duo. All because Duo loved him and Miri couldn’t handle that.
“You okay?” Duo asked quietly, feeling the shiver. When T-chan said he wanted him on the bed, it wasn’t for letting Duo use him as a pillow to cry into. He had disappointed him. Teasing him back, leading him on and just stopping when he heard Howard’s voice in the back of his head, as he rocked against T-chan. He could tell that they both had been close, so may be it was better that they had stopped. But not because he had lost any interest in making love when he heard Howard’s voice in his mind, taunting him, but because it was a line that they shouldn’t cross yet.
“It just dawned on me how cruel Miri could be.” Treize said quietly. “I thought that he needed help, that he had no control over some of the things that he did, but I wonder how many of the things that he did to control me, did he plan out in advance? From his first seduction, to the last time that we were together, how much of that was planned? And how far in advance? And…was our relationship ever good for him, before the war? Or had it all been just one long game of manipulation on his part?”
“I’m sorry.” Duo said. He was. Mirialdo Peacecraft or Zechs Merquisa, or whatever he wanted to call himself, scared the crap out of him. He was one of the people that had given him nightmares in Space, even before he had caught him on the Libra. He’d had nightmares then that the bastard had managed to get to T-chan that time in Luxemburg. That he had raped him, like he had planned to. Instead of that quickie horror show, T-chan had over a year of the guy fucking with his mind and then his body.
“You have your doubts about yourself. I have mine.” Treize said quietly.
Duo looked up, catching T-chan’s eyes. He stared straight into those cerulean depths and smiled a little, trying to reassure him. “I’m the wrong person to talk to about what was going on out there. Half of me, the street kid, is saying that I am glad that you got the protection you did, even if it was the guy that tortured me to fill some time. The Universe can be a lonely, nasty place. And T-chan,” Duo’s voice got lower and his eyes darkened. “I was ready to become Howard’s little fuck boy. I felt that it would be a good thing. With all the drugs that he was pumping into me…I didn’t hurt then. I slept through the night. If it was because he was screwing me raw and I was too stoned to have nightmares, it was an improvement over what I had been like. I thought I was never going to get better.
I am getting better now, believe it or not. And if Howard had made his little offer when we first met, I would have been all over it. Just one person touching you, beats a whole bunch of Johns bending you over the hood of their car or up against an alley wall, for a quickie before they go home to the wife and kids. Pretending that they were still respectable, upright citizens, while they fuck you.”
“So we both have problems.” Treize said, “that was not unexpected, was it?”
“Nope.” Duo nodded awkwardly, it was an odd angle to try that maneuver. “we killed a ton of people, did nasty things and had way too much responsibility for a kid that was supposed to be in high school, and a guy that was barely old enough to have all the power you had. We’re sooo fucked in the head from that.” Even if you don’t remember it, it was because of that power that you can’t remember anything today. If you hadn’t have been in charge, you wouldn’t have climbed into that suit.
“Do you regret that we didn’t go further?”
“I’m sorry that we stopped because of a phantom.” Duo said softly, “But he’s gonna always be with me, so long as I can see what he did to me. And he did pierce me in places that I do get a reminder several times a day about what he did to me. And I don’t know if I can ever put him behind me. But I’m glad we stopped because I don’t know if I can give you everything that you deserve, I’m so messed up about a lot of things.”
Treize nodded his agreement. Sex was a big step and he was slightly nervous that Duo would change on him if they started down that road. He smiled down at Duo, who was propping his head on his hands, looking up at him with wide eyes and treating him like he was a pillow, content to stay with him. Duo still trusted him! The retreat wouldn’t be that far this time, he’d be able to have Duo get closer to him still, unless he pushed it. And Treize decided that pushing Duo might be worth it. Dancing around wasn’t going to get them anywhere and Duo was dead set against pushing him into anything; if he was going to get anywhere with Duo he was going to be the one that was doing most of the chasing. He thought that Duo might be willing to meet him halfway on almost anything with a lot of reassurances, but Treize was the one that had to make the first moves in this odd courtship. He knew that Duo wasn’t going to change on him just because they were having a physical relationship, but part of his heart was afraid that Duo would come home someday with things that hurt him; whips and dildos and bad things like that. Things that Miri used to hurt him.
“You said that I can ask you anything.”
Duo nodded, his eyes getting wary, wondering what T-chan was aiming for. He was starting to think like he used to, tricky little plots to get Duo to take care of himself better. It wasn’t scheming with the Romafeller Foundation, but sometimes those plots seemed pretty complex, just to get him to finish his veggies.
“Can I get to know your body again, now? I won’t do anything to hurt you. I just want to push that phantom away, so that Howard doesn’t haunt you. And I want to show you how beautiful I think that you are. I want to commit myself to you.” I want to touch you and not have you pull away, either mentally or physically, because you feel that you don’t deserve me. I want to see those eyes glazed and begging me passionately for release, I want to see you burn with desire, show me the Duo that I used to know, the Siren that I fell in love with. Don’t be frightened to let me move you again.
Duo thought for a second. T-chan had maneuvered him into a very neat trap. He was using his words against him, to make him agree to whatever mad plan T-chan was hatching. He was insane but he was going to allow T-chan to do this, partly because he had scared the crap out of him last night with all the rambling that he apparently did, and partly because T-chan was being aggressive. Duo wasn’t going to discourage him if he was going to be aggressive with him. He’d worry about the future later, may be he should just grab for what he could get? Maybe T-chan could love him? “I can’t promise that I’ll cooperate, but I’ll try.”
Treize smiled. “Then lie down, face down. And wait. I’m going to grab something that I saw in the bathroom.
Duo nodded and curled up on the bed. “I promise that when you get back, I’ll lie down for you, but I don’t want to wait in that position. It…it has a couple of bad memories for me.” Waiting to see what is going to happen isn’t too good for my nerves. And if I ran screaming from the bedroom, its not going to encourage T-chan to get inventive or bold with me again!
Treize frowned and leaned over to kiss Duo on the forehead. “I understand. There are a few things that I don’t want to do either.”
“You have to show me or tell me,” Duo said.I don’t want to hurt you. I still remember what you told me at Luxembourg, you were surprised how ‘good’ it felt to be the bottom, when your partner loved you. I want you to get that feeling again.
Treize smiled and walked into the bathroom, feeling Duo’s eyes on him the entire time. Duo was a little surprised when Treize returned with a washcloth and a small bottle of oil. Treize laughed at Duo’s puzzled look and shook his head. “Its so that you can wipe your face off. After a while the tears get itchy. And you will feel better.”
Duo sat up and took the washcloth from him and scrubbed at his face. He did feel better because of that. He wondered how T-chan knew that? Duo opened his mouth to ask and Treize smiled sadly, seeing the question in his eyes before he asked it.
“Miri…he enjoyed my tears. You saw me that night. It was mild to some of the things that he did to me. And most of them reduced me to tears, with the pain that he inflicted on me, whether it was with his hand or a whip or even candle wax. And during all of it I was plugged with a vibrator that was going to make sure that I enjoyed whatever he did to me, while I was crying from the pain.”
Duo leaned over and silently tugged Treize down to the bed, cradling him in his arms, guiding Treize’s head on to his shoulder. He knew that T-chan wanted to show him how beautiful he thought he was, but now Duo thought that Treize needed to be hugged more then anything. Treize wiggled so that he was a bit more comfortable and so that his weight wasn’t as much on Duo, sighing with pleasure when Duo started slow, gentle back rub to comfort him or to keep Duo from panicking, Treize didn’t care which, because it just felt good, it reassured him that Duo wanted more out of him then a body to fuck.
“Howard told you that he offered to let me go with him for a while.” Treize said.
He was glad that Duo’s hands never stopped their feather light caresses. Treize sighed again and listened to the beat of Duo’ s heart. It was comforting, the rhythmic sound relaxing him as much as the feel of Duo’s hands on his body was. He couldn’t understand why Miri never really enjoyed this, the pleasure that just touching one’s lover could give you. He knew that he shouldn’t think of Duo as his lover, but he felt so right to him. If he tried to cuddle with Miri, the other man thought that he was just after more sex and so after a while, Treize just didn’t try anymore. It was enough that Miri at least stayed in the same bed with him. It made him feel a little more loved, even if that wasn’t the case.
“He made that offer after seeing me the morning after one of the worst nights that I had with Miri. Miri…Miri had been insatiable, it was after some job in London and he just couldn’t get enough that night. Whatever he had done, it really got him turned on. I was afraid to ask exactly what had happened. He…he had me tied up. I didn’t mind that,” Treize said seriously, blushing a little. He really didn’t, it was interesting at times. He won’t mind trying it with Duo sometime. Duo tying him up that is, he didn’t think that it would be good the other way, not with what had happened to him in his past. “When he started playing those games, after his first trip to London, I had decided that I would give Miri all the control that he needed, when it dawned on me that was what he was interested in, what he needed. It wasn’t about having sex with me, it was about who was in control. And he wanted to control it all. He wasn’t even going to let me continue my walks until he realized that I didn’t see anyone on them, I just spent the time looking at the birds and the heather.”
Duo made a small sound, Treize couldn’t figure out if it was sympathy or encouragement, but since he had finally started to talk about Miri and their sex life and he didn’t know if he could shut up now. There was something about this situation and this position with Duo that made him want to tell Duo everything. Whether he should was another thing altogether. But he had started and he didn’t know if he could stop now.
“But, from the beginning he liked seeing my pain. He enjoyed it as much as he did controlling me and anytime that I questioned or balked about something, he would just tell me that I had done it before and enjoyed what had happened. And then he would have this strange look in his eyes, and I’d give in, because I was afraid that I would wake up one morning and it would all be gone and I had no idea what I would do or how I would survive. And I thought that I was a wanted criminal, that I would be put in jail if anyone recognized me. So I always gave in and I didn’t even question anything after a while. He’d say jump and I would ask how he wanted me to jump. I was just glad at times that he was so possessive, that he wasn’t passing me around. I had thought about that scenario once or twice.”
Duo stopped rubbing his back and lifted Treize’s chin up with one of his fingers. “You had no options, you didn’t know where to go.” Duo said seriously, looking down into Treize’s eyes. “You left when you had a better situation to go to. Don’t blame yourself for his sickness.”
“Then don’t blame yourself for what he did to you. Or what Howard did to you. You were the victim with them.” Treize retorted sharply. Please believe that, let me love you, learn to like yourself again. You said that you wanted that when we talked about this in Siberia.
Duo smiled faintly. “Only if you think of yourself that way too. You were supposed to run where? And even if you left with Howard, it would have been a matter of time before you returned, whether you wanted to or not. You were smart not to take him up on his offer. Returning to him, after you ran to Howard, would have been worse. He would have made sure that you couldn’t leave him again. That’s what scares me that he’ll do something to you that can’t be fixed, if he gets you again. And I never blame myself for what happened, but it does haunt me. But you know that, you watched me dream often enough.”
“I…I just wanted to know why. And now I do, Mirialdo Peacecraft is a sick person.” Why do you call them dreams, something that you wake up screaming from is a nightmare, my sweet.
“The funny thing about all this, T-chan is what I was told by Mirialdo when he was torturing me, you want to hear it?”
“Yes.’ Treize said simply wondering what Duo would say. Almost two years and it still haunts you. What part did he break of your spirit? What was damaged before so that you would not heal afterwards? And what part of that was my fault?
“That psycho carved me up and burnt me, to show the world that I was a rotten kid. He told me that the outside was going to match the inside. And he was right, I am not a good person. I’ve survived things that others have died in and I left behind me a trail of destruction. The massacre at the church. The plagues that swept L2 for years. The war and piloting a Gundam, things that should have killed me, but just drove me onwards.”
“And the two of us look like a pair of beat up rag dolls, while the really evil person is still beautiful on the outside.” Treize commented, snuggling closer to Duo. He loved the feel of Duo’s hair covering the two of them like a blanket, he didn’t want to let him go. And Duo would tell him if he was too heavy for him to lie like this on him.
Duo laughed at that statement and Treize was glad to hear that sound. After a minute, Duo stopped laughing and shifted a little, hugging him tighter. “I resent being compared to a rag doll,” he informed Treize seriously. “I’d rather be thought of as a stuffed kitten or rabbit. I don’t care about the beat up part.”
“You do rather remind me of a kitten,” Treize said thoughtfully. “The way that half the time, you blinked at me like a sleepy kitten, when I woke you up. Of course, the both times that I’ve seen you do that you were rather heavily medicated at the time.” You also try to curl yourself up into the smallest ball possible, afraid that something might find you, besides the furies that haunt your sleep, catlike when you sleep. And I never wake you up, it’s always something else. The same thing when you’re awake already, but still in bed with me, so that I won’t wake up alone, you just curl up like a cat and watch me sleep. That you watch me like that is the only reassurance that I have, that you still love me.
“When was this?” Duo asked.
He didn’t remember either time, but then T-chan said he had been out of it. He wondered if T-chan had noticed that he watched him sleep. Duo didn’t mind staying in bed with T-chan after he woke up, watching him sleep was great, he could stare all he wanted without the other man getting the wrong impression. It was good to know that he was alive, but T-chan could have anyone in the Universe he wanted, he wouldn’t want him. May be he should just settle for trying to make good memories for the two of them. He wanted love so badly though, he was so tired of being so close to who he wanted and not being able to act on it. To be able to hold him like this, to be cradled in his arms, that’s what he dreamed of and longed for. It was good that he could do this.
Treize smiled. “The first time was when I woke you up to ask you if you wanted to escape. You looked familiar then, someone that was just out of reach of my memory. The second time was after Iria treated you. I just wanted to give you a kiss, some sort of reassurance that things were going to be all right. You woke up, blinked at me a few times and went back to sleep. I did kiss you though.”
Duo smiled, “Thank you. Even if I don’t remember it. It is the thought that counts. And you don’t look bad. Not like me. You were right to say it's ugly, it was deliberate; that’s what makes it look bad. But it's the scars on the inside that are going to be hard to get rid of. The echoing of Howard telling me that he owns me. And since he had me drugged and he put these things on me, he’s not going to let me go that easily because I walked on him, is he going to find us? And will he let T-chan book if that sicko isn’t with him and just take me back? So may questions that I don’t have the answers to. I…I just wish that I knew what you were trying to do when you and Wufei fought. Were you trying to kill yourself or was it something that just got out of hand? Wufei and I never really talked about it. Wufei tried to tell me what happened at the time, but I didn’t listen. I guess we were all a little frazzled by then. I…I just escaped from the Libra and all I wanted was to be held by you. I needed to know if you still thought I was a good kid. Covered in blood and semen, broken at last. Oh God I needed to be held. But it never happened. I never got a chance to put myself back together. It wasn’t worth the effort, there was no that I wanted to be together for. I didn’t have to be strong for anyone. I could just be broken, I’m still astonished that I didn’t OD or do something like that during the first month after the war. And I think I lost some of the pieces when I finally tried putting myself back together, because I almost waited too long to do so. I wonder if it will matter…losing those pieces. When the three of us got together again in London, I really wasn’t ready to talk about anything like that, I was too busy just trying to keep myself centered and together. All those people freaked me out. I was only seeing strangers in carefully controlled situations that I had set up, like at the Palace or the estate. Places that I had somewhere to run to, if I needed it. I couldn’t run in London, I just was waiting until I could go home, so that I would feel safe again. And when I did run, I ran right straight into an ambush, like a rookie. But…it was worth it if I found you.”
Duo’s voice dropped to a whisper, Treize couldn’t tell if he was still talking to him or if Duo was talking to himself. “I missed you so much…it been so long really since anyone was nice to me. Or giving. I had spent so much time alone…in Space, with Quatre’s sisters, when I was hiding in Boston, waiting for them to make their decision about killing me or keeping me. What kept me going was the last time that we were together, before I fought that battle in Epyon. We were together, in Luxemburg, I had snuck in to see you and we made love…it seemed like it would never end. The Universe stopped just for us and God I wanted it never to start again. Then it did…the battle…Epyon and Mirialdo showing up.”
Treize shifted and rolled over, so that he could gather Duo in his arms, reversing their positions so that Duo was cradled against his chest, their legs semi-tangled together. “Tell me about Luxembourg. Was that the place that I was being held, before Relena was deposed by the Romafellers?”
Duo was silent as Treize slowly stroked his hair. After a minute, he started to speak, his voice a little firmer then it had been, a little saner sounding. “Yeah, I snuck in there, but I had help. You had all of the pilots programmed into the security system, so that it would recognize us as friendlies. And it had been in place for a while, long before we started our affair. I was added last, but I think that was because you really couldn’t get enough of me on tape to allow for voice recognition. I never left a trace of myself anywhere, I wonder how you got what you did.”
“I wonder why I would do that?” Treize asked bemusedly. Why would he trust the pilots more then his own people? He wondered if he would ever find the answer to that. If he had kept some sort of record of his thoughts. Why he had done the stupid things that he did, like let Duo leave him. How he built that monster machine.
Duo sighed, “That is a question I never asked when we were there. And I didn’t get another chance to. But…I think it was because you admired us. For some unknown reason, you thought what we were doing was something noble. It wasn’t really.”
“Do you think that you might be able to get us in there again?” Treize asked, an idea tickling in his mind. “I might have left some clue behind that might tell me a few things.”
“You might have, I’ll try. If not, Une can let us in there.”
Treize smiled into Duo’s hair, “But would it be as exciting as trying to sneak in there?”
“A danger junkie. Nice to find this out now.” Duo groaned. “But I think a lot of us are like that. Danger junkies and adrenaline freaks do make the best pilots. And you were a damn good pilot.”
“It seems that Wufei was better.” Treize sighed. “He got out of that battle with his memory intact.”
“Just luckier. And by that time, I think that we had more hours in the cockpit. That does count, knowing your machine like it was yourself. I know I had a lot of hours, if you count living in the blasted thing.”
“What was it like?” Treize asked before he could stop himself. They were covering all sorts of painful topics for the both of them, he wondered if this little conversation would be good for the two of them. But he wanted to know how it was for Duo out in space.
Duo was silent, his hands idly stroking any part of Treize that he could touch, like he wanted to make sure that this wasn’t a dream. That he was talking to someone that was real and not another phantom conjured by his past or Epyon for himself.
“I felt really small…like I didn’t matter. I still do feel that way, but not as much as I had, thanks to you. I saw the stars all the time…they are so beautiful. And the Universe goes on forever out there. Shinigami was shut down most of the time, to conserve power. I really didn’t want to show up on the scanner as a blip before I had to. And you can hide better if they think you’re just a piece of space junk with a minimum energy signature. For a couple of hours a week I’d go ‘active’ and get to ambush a convoy, then fade away. Once or twice a day, I’d put a safety line on and crawl around on the outside of Shinigami so that I would get some exercise, for about an hour or so. But most of the time, I was either thinking or meditating. Wufei taught me how to do it, a long time ago, when we were both alone at a safe house. I bugged him until he showed me. I thought that it would help me cope with stuff. It did actually, but I couldn’t just tell him why I wanted to learn, that would have been out of character that I showed him. So I annoyed him into teaching me, pretending that I was bored.
I’d sleep mostly in naps, nothing too long. And every ten days or so…I’d pull into a Winner Resource Satellite. I’d shower, get something to eat that was hot and not out of a tube and walk around all the time I was there, if I could. Fix any damage that was done to Shinigami. Receive my orders for the next hit and a list of alternative targets, if the primary one fell through. I got to spend the night, sleep in a bed like a real person, but…” Duo’s voice trailed off and it changed a little, it hardened and took on a bitter note.
“In the beginning, I’d try and talk to someone. I was so desperate to hear a voice that wasn’t mine. Since most of the people who were around were Quatre’s sisters, I try and talk to them, but they’d just looked shocked or startled and then try to escape as fast as possible, without saying anything. When I was pulling out, they’d scurry up to the hanger and watch me leave, but they never said anything to me, besides giving me letters to pass on to Quatre. After a while those stopped when they realized I was not going to see him soon. I thought I was gonna go crazy, then…after the first couple of times, I didn’t bother. I decided that it wasn’t worth the rejection. I just pulled in, showered, ate and walked about for a while; I was always shadowed by someone, like I was going to steal the silverware from them. Then I pulled out after I got what I needed and did any repairs that I needed. I didn’t trust them with my machine anymore. I didn’t bother to stay any longer then I had to. I talked to Shinigami more then anyone human. Correction, Shinigami was the only thing that I talked to. I also talked you a lot, anything to try and keep it together. The firepower in a Gundam shouldn’t be used by a truly crazy person, too much could go wrong. But I kept hearing Epyon also. Or I could have been imagining it, might still be because I was so desperate to try and remember that there were actually people out there, besides the dead that I saw.”
Duo fell silent and buried his face into Treize’s shoulder. He was happy that someone had been told what he saw out there, what he had felt. Telling Quatre when he was angry with him, in a fight, didn’t count. He hadn’t even told Mina that, she wanted to work more on his nightmares about Mirialdo then any of the other things. Silence, that’s all he really remembered about that time. He had no one to talk to, no one to worry about, nothing to distract him from his own problems. He had been so pathetically grateful when he finally got the orders from Quatre that he was going to be allowed back with the rest of them. Holding Wufei had helped him more then Wufei did. God it felt so good just to feel another person, to be able to help them and not hurt them. Quatre didn’t count when he hugged him, he was just acting like he normally did. And he had been mad at him, because he was acting all normal and happy. Not caring that Duo had spent the last few months listening to himself breathe and wondering if there was anyone out in the Universe beside himself.
Treize was speechless. He hadn’t realized that it had been this bad, no wonder Duo, even years afterwards, was still troubled by what had happened to him then. His own people had put him into what was basically isolation for months, because he had involuntarily fallen in love with the enemy. He was going to kill Quatre if he could ever get his hands on him. Or worse, make that bastard listen to what Duo was telling him. He wondered if this was part of the discussion that Duo and Quatre had that night, before they left for this apartment.
“You know what the worst part is about all of this,” Duo continued tonelessly. “There are still times that I wake up and I wonder if I’m dreaming all this. If I’m still not out there, floating in all that emptiness. That I finally went insane…that I just might be just drifting in Space…a victim of a broken tether line or another accident. And I knew that there would be no one to save me. Or care what happened to me. Once, towards the end, I thought that our entire relationship was just a hallucination that I had; why would anyone fall in love with a person that was as disgusting as I was?”
Treize grabbed Duo tightly by his arms and hauled him up his body. “You’re safe. You’re not out there any more! Someone cares! I care!” Why did you do that to yourself, let yourself get that isolated? Why would anyone let themselves be punished like that? What were hoping, that they might let us be if you followed their orders? I wasn’t worth it Duo, no matter how much I loved you then. Treize looked deeply into Duo’s eyes, trying to get him to focus on him and shook him a little. He was frightened that Duo might be slipping further away from him, that his progress had been all an illusion. “Do you feel this?”
“Yes.” Duo said quietly, still just staring at him. Treize was worried because Duo was looking at him with the same intense, empty stare that he had last night. Was that the way he had looked, trying to find some one or some thing to talk to in space?
“Then you will feel this.” Treize said quietly, leaning up to gently kiss Duo, deepening it when he didn’t fight him. In fact, Duo was kissing him back with a growing passion, practically trying to devour him. It started out gentle, but they let it grow into a bruising kiss that they could both feel.
Duo kissed T-chan back, probing his mouth to taste him again. If it was real…good. If it was another flashback, he could live with it. He had replayed most of their meetings in his mind when he was drifting out there. Little tidbits of joy that would keep him going, soft remembrances of their love making and conversations that stayed with him. He had desperately craved the touch of another person, towards the end he had pretended that it was T-chan touching when he bumped against any thing. Since this was real he wasn’t going to worry about the future.
Treize moaned when Duo tentatively started to stoke his chest, his arms, any part of him that he could touch. He was inflamed by those hesitant hands that gently touched him as if he was made out of porcelain. It felt so good and he shouldn’t be doing this, because neither one of them were ready for this step in their relationship. He wasn’t ready to try and figure out what might change because they had sex. And he didn’t think that he was ready to convince Duo that it hadn’t been rape or coercion, that he had welcomed the other one doing this with him. And that was the big difference between Miri and Duo. Miri had fucked him, Duo wanted to make love with him. He knew he should stop this before it got too far, but he couldn’t, it was so good and on so many levels both gentle and passionate. He never felt anything like this with Miri.
Duo gently kissed his way down Treize’s chest, tracing his scars with his tongue and his lips. Worshiping his body, showing him that it could be good, that not everyone wanted to hurt him. T-chan shouldn’t be ashamed that his console fried out on him, he was beautiful. He just wanted to kiss away the bad memories that Mirialdo had given him. T-chan had been so good, so giving when they were together; he shouldn’t have only the bad memories, he should know what it had been like before, to be loved, not used.
Treize moaned breathily and arched into Duo’s kisses. God they felt good, like thousands of butterflies stroking him. Duo’s hands were endlessly caressing him; part of him marveled at Duo’s balance so that he could do that, but most of his mind was just drowning in the pleasure that he felt. As Duo moved down his chest to his stomach, Treize’s moans grew steadier and he tried to touch Duo. He was disappointed that Duo wouldn’t let him touch anything besides his back or his hair. When he made a small sound of protest about Duo redirecting his hands, Duo looked up at him and then moved up the bed to kiss him again, teasing him with his tongue, tickling the inside of his mouth for an endless moment, until they both had to breath again.
“This is for you.” Duo said, whispering it into his ear before his started to lightly nibble on it. “I want you to feel good. I…”
“Should feel good for you too!” Treize protested, capturing Duo’s wandering hands with his. He couldn’t think if Duo kept touching him like this. “I want you to feel beautiful, since you are. To feel loved, I want to make love to you!”
“Later.” Duo promised breathlessly. “You can do anything with me later…this is for you. And just because I don’t make a mess on the bed, doesn’t mean that…”
“…that I’m not enjoying myself.” Treize finished unthinkingly, gasping when Duo started sucking lightly on his neck. Treize switched his grip and trapped Duo’s hands with the bracelets that he wore. He didn’t even realize it until Duo made a small noise of protest, which he ignored, more disturbed about the fact that Duo wasn’t really hard. God he had been almost ready to burst from what Duo had been doing to him and he didn’t seem interested. Treize then realized how he was holding Duo and let go as if those bracelets burned him.
Duo just smiled sadly at Treize, looking up at him. He wasn’t angry with him, just worried that he was upset about the jewelry. Signs that someone else thought that they owned him, reminders of the other people in their life. The bad people. “T-chan, it’s okay. I want you…just…I…it…”
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to do that!” Treize exclaimed horrified. “That wasn’t fair to you!” I ruined it…I shouldn’t remind you of those evil things. No wonder you aren’t hard. You think that I’m going to use you…like he did. Like everyone in your life seemed to.
Duo laughed sadly. “T-chan, you always could beat me in hand to hand, the fact that Howard gave you a couple of new hand holds to help pin me with really doesn’t matter. And a good fighter always uses what he can.“
Treize sat up and hugged Duo roughly, over balancing a little so that they ended up sprawled next to the bed, with the blankets bunched underneath them.
“Shouldn’t grab you like that. I…wanted it to be good for the both of us at the same time. I want to know that you’re enjoying it as much I was.”
“I was.” Duo said softly, nuzzling his neck. “I got to touch you again, I missed that. I missed holding you and talking to you more then anything and I can do that now. I want you to have good memories, drive away the bad ones, the ones from him. Even if we don’t stay together,” he stopped and added softly, “I’m so tired of fighting it.”
“Why don’t you think that we will stay together? I know that everyone else has left you, died on you, but I can’t. I am already dead. I left you, but you found me again. Rescued me from Miri, let me learn about myself. I won’t leave you again unless you want me too.” Treize informed Duo, stroking his back. Duo needed this so much, to be held and loved, no one had done it for him in too long. He was glad that Duo realized that he shouldn’t fight enjoying himself with him anymore, he deserved all the spoiling he was going to do to him. Treize debated whether he wanted to try again with Duo on the bed, or ignore the ache in his groin and get up and make Duo some breakfast.
Duo took the decision out of his hands when he started to lick his way over Treize’s collarbones and down his chest, Treize moaned and shuddered when Duo knelt over his cock and lightly blew on it, then cautiously started to lick the head of it, swirling his tongue around the tip and slowly taking more and more of it into his mouth. Treize felt his breath leave his body with and explosive “huh!” as Duo worked on taking him deeper into his mouth. Treize was astonished that was the only part of Duo that was touching him was that wonderful mouth that was swallowing the length of him, sucking on it with a gentle pressure that made him squirm. He was amazed that Duo managed not choke on the involuntary thrusts that he was making, reacting to what Duo’s very talented mouth was doing to him.
He moaned, stuttering a little when he tried to stop Duo or warn him or something, he didn’t know what now, but before he could get beyond the ecstasy that he was feeling, because it had been so long since he had this done for him and Duo felt so good, Treize just grabbed his shoulders and thrust deeper, a hoarse cry torn from his chest as he emptied himself into Duo’s mouth and down his throat, unable to warn Duo that he was about to come. He stared, stunned at the ceiling as Duo slowly let his member slip from his mouth, licking the tip for one last drop, before rearranging himself so that he could kiss Treize properly. Treize kissed back lazily, enjoying the taste of himself on Duo’s lips. Astonished that Duo hadn’t hurt him while he was giving him pleasure. That he wasn’t sore or uneasy about the fact that he had enjoyed himself, that he wasn’t going to be hurt by Duo because he wanted to see his pain. All Duo had wanted was for him to enjoy himself. It had felt so good and so…unselfish was the only word that he could think of to describe Duo’s actions. He really should return the favor after his nap …he hoped that Duo wouldn’t mind if he fell asleep. He was so sleepy now.
Duo smiled at the dazed look of T-chan’s face. It was so cute! T-chan seemed so astonished about what his body did at times. That was an endearing trait. As he kissed T-chan, he felt the other’s arms going around him, slowly embracing him, trying not to startle him.
“How’re your shoulders?” Treize asked him in dazed tone, still marveling at the taste of himself. Miri, after the first time didn’t go down on him, even though Treize did it fairly frequently for him. Miri only did so when he thought that Treize deserved that ‘treat’ for good behavior. Which wasn’t often.
Duo smiled into the kiss. “They don’t hurt, but I think that someone should get into bed before he falls asleep, or he will be taking his post coital nap on the floor.”
“Stay with me?” Treize asked sleepily, not moving yet.
“Don’t I always?” Duo replied mischievously, but in a gentle tone. I always tried to. You deserved that at least. Just once I couldn’t. I always regretted that.
“In my arms, I want you near me. I want to cuddle. He never liked cuddling, I missed it. And you sleep with me like you’re afraid of me.” Treize mumbled, trying to get up with Duo half on him.
Duo laughed softly and shook his head. “You have to let go of me, then we can get into bed.” I am afraid. I don’t want to lose you again after I found you. And I might because, no matter what Trowa told me, you do deserve better then a burnt out whore. I don’t want get used to having you with me and then have you walk out of my life again. Because what’s happening in this apartment has no basis in reality; it’s no more real then your time with that bastard. But I’m willing to chance this, even if you leave again. It will be hard, but I think that I can put myself back together again if you leave me.
Treize mumbled something and let go of Duo, climbing into bed, underneath some of the covers. Duo crawled into bed after him and didn’t know if he should be worried when T-chan grabbed him again and snuggled him closer to his body, like he was a Teddy Bear. If it weren’t for the fact that he had just sucked most of T-chan’s brains out of his body, he’d be worried about his cock sticking into his back and what T-chan was plotting. As T-chan wiggled about into a more comfortable position, his cock slipped between Duo’s legs and Duo had a difficult time not moving away from it. While his mind screamed that he shouldn’t, his body unthinkingly molded itself to T-chan’s and was happy to hear him sigh happily before he dropped off.
Duo, however was wide awake and staring at the wall. He was afraid to fall asleep, afraid of dreaming. Afraid of enjoying T-chan. He had played dirty, sneaking a blowjob on him like that, but…T-chan needed to know that sex didn’t have to hurt. Duo thought that the astonishment in his eyes was from something more then his orgasm. Miri was a bastard and hurt him a lot, so he was still expecting that from Duo, during sex or right afterwards. He was surprised that it hasn’t happened, that Duo didn’t hurt him. And that Duo liked cuddling and thought it was a good thing. Hell, Duo enjoyed that more then anything else. Call him blasé about sex, but sleeping together and snuggling were always better for him, it had a warmth that nothing could match. Mirialdo was an idiot. He would have still had T-chan if he just had treated him like he was a person, not a plaything. And Duo was never going to do that. He had spent most of his life being treated like he was a thing or a playing piece in a game, he wasn’t going to do that to T-chan. No matter what happened.
So he’d stay here while T-chan slept. And hopefully he wasn’t going to insist in returning the favor. He didn’t want to say no, but he wasn’t interested in an afternoon of jumping at ghosts. Maybe he’d forget. And I’m gonna grow tall and be pretty again. Duo jeered at himself. He’s gonna remember that you promised him anything. He might let you eat first, maybe you can stall him that way. Duo sighed and shifted a little, so that T-chan’s arms were around him tighter. He wasn’t sleepy, he’d just lie here enjoy T-chan hugging him. He didn’t think that it would happen again soon. As soon as the afterglow was gone, he was going to be peeved. Duo had not really asked if he wanted to really do anything, he just sort of attacked him. And T-chan was never going to let him near him again.
Treize woke up a little while later and smiled. Duo had spent his entire nap with him, not that it had been a long nap, but he had stayed! Treize wasn’t too sure that Duo would have, not with his cock still slightly hard and poking at him. It had softened somewhat when he was asleep, but it twitched a little when he woke up with Duo cuddled up to him. He leaned over the other man cradled in his arms and took a deep breath, enjoying the smell of Duo, sex and sweat. He hardened again, thrusting a little between those two wonderful cheeks that were plastered against him. Duo stiffened involuntarily, then relaxed.
“You’re awake.” Duo said quietly.
“Mmhh” Treize agreed lazily, not wanting to move. “Thank you for staying.”
“I promised that I would.”
“I know…but…I seem to be making you a bit nervous.” Your heartbeat is rapid and you seem to be afraid of moving, that you think that it would encourage me. I think you went beyond nervous into terrified as soon as I woke up. I’m going to kill Howard for doing this to you.
“It’s not you…it’s me. I…can’t take that step yet. I know that I shouldn’t have done what I did earlier, but…you need to know that it doesn’t have to be violent or hurt or be some sort of sick power game. It can just be about pleasure. Giving pleasure. Receiving pleasure. Two people that trust each other. Not what he was doing to you or the crap that Howard was pulling on me. I know that, I just got to believe it again.”
“Can I still hold you to that promise of anything?” Treize asked gently, stroking Duo’s hip. He didn’t have to see his eyes to tell that he was scared and trying to hide the fact. If he tried anything now with Duo it would be disastrous for both of them. And would ruin any chance that he might have with him.
“I don’t lie.” Duo said flatly.
“Then, I will take a rain check, for a future date, when you feel better about yourself.” Treize promised him, sad that he heard the almost silent sigh of relief from Duo. He was right to wait; Duo was not in the mood right now. Any progress he made would be slow. And he knew how much it hurt when you weren’t in the mood, physically and mentally. Miri had coerced him enough times in to having sex with him for Treize to know that. “Right now, I will make you something to eat and try and convince my body that it should calm down. Because unless I get to make you feel better, you don’t get to make me feel better. And no more sneak attacks!” his voice softened, “Thank you for doing that though. And I know that if I had said no, you would have stopped.”
Duo nodded. “I promise I won’t. That was dirty pool.” Thank you for not being angry, I should have asked, but I was afraid that you’d say no, so I didn’t let you. I’m as bad as Wufei and Heero. “And I had done that to you once before…I really should stop doing that, its really bad, if not outright rude. But I was afraid that you’d say no. Both times.”
“Then I will stuff you full of food; it’s too late in the day to even talk about breakfast or lunch as a meal. Just let me throw something together and we can talk some more. Tell me about the time that you bullied me into having sex with you, you wouldn’t have done it without a good reason.” Treize said quietly, nuzzling his neck. “Just let me…this is very silly…smell you some more. You smell good.” Citrus and spices and you. How could I have forgotten this? Why did I forget this, was I afraid to remember you? Was it because of Epyon or the fact that I was trying to be what Miri wanted?
Duo shrugged and then bit back a moan. What T-chan was doing made him want to melt, he hoped that it didn’t show in his voice as he tried to explain. He wanted to melt, but not anything more, he was still nervous about sex. Silly really, he trusted T-chan, but he didn’t want to go through the pain of losing him again if this didn’t work out. “There really isn’t much to tell. I jumped you after your shower one night, dressed like a L2 whore and sucked you dry. The Mad Five had just told me that we’d better by doin’ it every time that I visited you or they’d send in one of the others. I couldn’t have that, so I just treated you like you were a…a…a whore and…and fu…fucked you.”
Duo curled up and started shivering. “I felt so cheap. But that’s what they wanted. They wanted me to feel worthless and hoped that we’d start hatin’ each other, because you’d just found out that I was there because I couldn’t let any of the others do it…they were so untouched you know. They never had to worry about a John not payin’ them or hoped that the shakedown the cops were givin’ you left you enough so that the others could eat. So I wouldn’t have to go out again too soon, before I was healed. I couldn’t let any of them be a whore…one of us was enough.”
Treize gathered Duo back into his arms and hugged him. Poor Duo, it must have been hell for him, falling in love and having to hurt his lover like that. Not that it was a physical hurt, he must have hated himself for treating him like an object. Treize let him mind lazily take in the feel of Duo in his arms and what just had happened. Unasked or not, that had been better then anything that Miri had done with him. Even their first time, before Miri had gotten so very odd in bed, was marred by the fact that it had descended from pain to pleasure quickly when Miri kept fucking him when all he wanted was to be held. Like this. He nuzzled the top of Duo’s head, his mind idly and lazily jumping from idea to idea. Nothing serious or that would hold his attention to long. Idle, sleepy thoughts. Then it hit him, Duo’s little stunt in the shower was the reason that they were hiding/staying in that cabin that Duo had lived in after the war. The cabin that he had remembered earlier. Duo had fallen asleep after he had given him that blow job, because he told him why he had been avoiding him. That his bedroom was bugged and those dirty old men were listening to everything. He had wanted to take Duo some place that they could talk undisturbed. Treize closed his eyes and tried to tease the memory that was just within reach, glad that he could grasp it. That it didn’t flit away from him. He pounced on it and examined the memory that he just found again.
He had driven to that cabin. Duo was asleep for most of the ride, exhaustion finally catching up with him. He had carried Duo to the car, glad that he had been someplace that security was lax enough that he didn’t have to explain Duo to anyone. Not that they would ask. He could have done anything and his soldiers would have accepted it. He had felt guilty that he had enjoyed what Duo had done to him, because Duo hadn’t enjoyed it. He hadn’t seen Duo for a couple of weeks, he had been worried about him but Une would have told him if there was trouble. She was keeping track of Duo also. They ended up at the cabin and talked about the future, Duo wanted one with him. Duo’s past…the Maxwell Church. PeaceMillion. Life on the streets and the assassinations he was doing. They all cascaded in his mind as a little more of the wall went away.
“You were wearing a pair of tight leather pants that laced up the sides and a top that was made out of string and wishes I swear.” Treize said in a thoughtful voice, thinking aloud. “You looked so lost…so scared. And so desirable. I wasn’t angry; I wanted to kill whoever sent you to me looking like that, because you weren’t happy to be there. Never you though, I was never angry with you. I hated myself because I wanted what you were offering me, not who you were. And that you didn’t enjoy it.”
Duo looked up, eyes wide. “You remember that?” his tone was a mixture of surprise and joy.
Treize shook his head, “Barely…I remember bits and pieces, nothing that I can really pin down. The first night that we were here…it felt so familiar, the conversation that we were having…I almost knew what you were going to say before you said it, about Wufei and Quatre. But nothing else. Just now, I was thinking about nothing really and it came to me.” I’m not telling you the rest of it, you might not believe me. With luck most of us will come back to me, I don’t care about anything else as callous as that sounds. My family, my childhood, they aren’t important to me now, you are.
Duo turned in his arms and hugged him tight, “I’m so glad. It might come back to you! Your childhood, your family! Maria’s mother.”
Treize hugged Duo back, stroking his back. Nothing about you…why not? Don’t you deserve to be remembered? You do you know…you were strong enough to overthrow a government, to survive a childhood of poverty and disease. You deserve to be remembered for yourself, not what you did. I want to remember our love, it was something that was more important to me then anything else I suspect. “You still have that outfit?” Stupid thing to ask, but I still think that he would look good in it. Then I think that he’s attractive in oversized flannel pajamas. Or in nothing at all.
Duo sighed. “Yeah. We left it at the cabin, when we cleared out of there the next day. It’s in the loft, with the bed. I don’t think that I’d wear it again. Only reason that I still have it is that I never went up there again, except for one time.” He then groaned, “I’m an idiot!”
“Why are you an idiot?” Treize asked curiously.
“I left a small fortune in jewelry in that room, hidden under that outfit. You left it to me, mostly rings, some earrings.” Duo smiled slightly. “I can wear them now that I got my ears pierced, if I can get rid of this other crap. The box was pretty too. It was some kind of wood, carved really nicely in an odd Celtic/Norse style.”
“And you are an idiot because of that?” Treize asked amusedly.
“Well there’s no security. And the kids occasionally wander through the cabin, when they want to use the bathroom. They all know where the spare key is. But they also all know that the loft is off limits, so they won’t poke up there. I didn’t change a thing up there after I moved in there, because I couldn’t face you. I saw you there…it was only place that we had been together that I went back to.”
“That’s okay.” Treize comforted Duo. “I understand, I think. Who are the kids?”
Duo smiled. “The kids are the group of teenagers that swim at the cabin. It seems that we own the best swimming hole in the area. I let them continue to use it, after I moved in. They tried to include me in their games and life, but I didn’t take them up on the offer. I watched them swim and feed them snacks. I had a cookout there once in a while too, I liked watching them have fun. I was tutoring one of them, Tony, for the Preventer Academy entrance exams. I heard that he made it in.”
“I’m glad that you had some company.” Treize murmured.
Duo laughed. “I was so antisocial, the few times that I looked in the mirror I expected Heero to be looking back at me. But I liked their innocence. And they were overjoyed the one time that someone came to visit me. They were hoping to get the dirt on me, why I was there, who I had been, stuff like that. It was nice living there, you’d like it. You made a good choice for a retirement home. The only problem I had was with some asshole hitting on me because he thought that I was a girl with the braid and bein’ tiny.”
“Relena, she visited you there once?” Treize asked, remembering the conversation he had with her and Une at Quatre’s. It took him a second, but he did remember it.
“Yeah, they thought that she was my girlfriend. And we went to the library together to drop off some books, one of the other volunteers made the comment that we were such a cute couple.”
“Other volunteers?”
“Mmmm, I read a lot to the little kids, the preschool and grade school kids. They liked me. I was their buddy.”
“You like children.” Treize said quietly. Duo had spent most of his life trying to protect them, it seemed. And a child had never turned on him like most of the adults seemed to have.
“I had a ton of them around me for most of my life. I was never really without a small herd of them until I started training with G.” Duo said wistfully. “I missed that a little.”
“That’s why you’re so good with Maria. I bet that you are about the only person in that house that has had any experience with children.” Treize said, reluctantly letting Duo go. Their stomachs were making growling noises at each other, Duo’s apparently overjoyed that he was eating regularly, so that it was reminding him that he should do so, now.
Duo laughed and wigged a bit to give Treize a kiss on the nose. “Thank you. And I got to get up, my stomach and a few other things are urging me to get out of the bed.”
Treize reached up and stroked Duo on the cheek, “Thank you for everything. But mostly for the fact that you slept with me, that you cuddled afterwards.”
Duo blushed and then put his arms around him, “I wanted to do that for so long,” he whispered.
Treize smiled and hugged him back, keeping silent with only with enormous effort, I want to do that for the rest of our life.
End Part Twenty-Six
Sorry to take so long between chapters, this had been on my disk for a while. But I distracted by other fannish projects, then had a hard time getting back into the grove of writing these two. I hope to start feeding people’s habits more.
Christine
Comments? Email Devilkitty@speakeasy.net