I'll get the legal stuff out of the way. Gundam Wing property of Bandai, Sunrise and a host of other people I probably don't know about. Used for entertainment purposes and because the voices in my head tell me to write this stuff. Scary thought, eh? Not for profit. Characters acting OCC, but in an Alternative Universe you should expect that.
#...# Thoughts/Thinking
Duo surveyed the small apartment, which Quatre had loaned to them for their stay on L3. Big living room, small kitchen and one bedroom. He cursed silently, wandering into the bedroom. The bed was huge, he had to admit, but he wasn't going to be sharing it with T-chan, that would by playing dirty. Treize walked in behind him and shrugged. "I see that Quatre..." he started.
"...is playing cupid. I thought that he would get enough of that with his sisters." Duo finished in disgust. #Playing dirty Quatre, tempting me like this. I thought that you knew better after our last conversation. Or is this just another way of getting to me? Or are you trying to make it up to me. You can't Quatre, its happened and its not to suddenly go away, no matter how much both of us want it too.#
"So you don't want to sleep with me?" Treize asked quietly. #Why? You admitted that before to me, that you wanted me, so why is it a problem now? What is bothering you?#
Duo sighed, "I have this weird notion, I want to get to know you before we start having a physical relationship, if we progress to one. And you should get to know me, you may not like the new me. And I told you before, you don't owe me anything." #I don't like me, I can't believe anyone else does. Even if I keep getting asked.#
"And you may not like me either." Treize replied, oddly touched by his consideration. That he was giving him a choice was touching, he didn't have to. He owed Duo too much, he could have demanded anything out of him and he would have given it to him, just because he had gotten him away from Miri. That he wasn't going to was nice. A change from Miri. He hadn't really believed Duo when he had told him that before, but Duo kept saying it to him, he must mean it. It was confusing but nice.
"Well, I like you so far, but...I remember you from before and the two might be getting blurred in my mind. Besides you may want to go back to...." Duo shrugged, trying to be a lot more relaxed then he was. The whole subject was difficult to talk about. "You still love him, even though he was a shit. It happens love is one of those things that's just too odd to deal with logically. You don't know me. And me getting physical with you will be playing dirty, because sex always just confuses things and makes people stupid. And you're gonna be confused about a lot, with relearning about yourself, not what Mirialdo wanted you to be and the little things that you need to survive, the things that people automatically do, because you haven't had to do them for a while, if ever. We started out with me jumping into your bed the first time around and then getting to know each other. It might be smart to reverse the process this time." #I don't want you to think that you have to do anything with me. I want you to enjoy it, not just put on an act so I think that you are.#
"Why don't we just share the bed for now, sleeping together doesn't mean sex. The couch doesn't look comfortable." Treize offered. #Why do you think that falling in love is stupid, because it hurt you so much the one time that it happened?# "And about Miri...I do love him in a somewhat sick way, but I don't know if I can live with him anymore. He was...odd and possessive. It didn't dawn on me that I had options besides him. I didn't let myself think like that."
"I slept worse places," Duo said, "and Howard said that he told you that he'd help you leave, if only for a while. You could have walked." #And kept on going, do anything to get away from him.#
"And done what?" Treize asked. "I have no memories, no useful skills, Miri saw to that." Treize's tone wasn't bitter, just resigned. "Howard offered to help, but I didn't take the offer because I was afraid that I was exchanging one prison for another. He said I could do something for him, and I thought...never mind. Even though I didn't know that Howard liked men."
"That you would be trading yourself to get out of there." Duo said. "And you weren't that desperate." #But you were to get out of there with me. Something happened the night we were together, something that caused you to walk out on Mirialdo. Not that it was that you remembered me, but that you finally let yourself think that there were other options. That someone else could tell you who you had been. And you were willing to trade yourself for that knowledge. And I looked harmless.#
"With Miri I could pretend that it was something special, that it was real," Treize admitted. "But...I was a trophy more then anything to him." #That hurt to say out loud, no matter how many times I told myself that, telling someone else that I was Miri's war trophy hurts. And to tell Duo that ...I don't know why. I don't think that it would make him feel any better.#
Duo went over and gave Treize a tight hug. "After the first night we were together, I sent roses to you because you had been too nice a person to me to feel cheap. Because I left you alone afterwards. You are a nice person, when you could be. Unfortunately, nice people don't run wars, even if they wanted to be nice. Nice doesn't allow you to get what has to be done, get done. And war is filled with a lot of not nice things.
I was sleeping with two people really, General Khushrenada and T-chan. T-chan was the nice guy that spoiled me, looked out for me and didn't ask any questions. The general was a guy that did what he had to, to make sure that the war would end soon. Sometimes it wasn't nice, but he always tried to be honorable. You only pulled one really slimy trick that I know of, the incident at New Edward with Heero and the Doves. And you were sleeping with two people also, the terrorist who would do anything that his superiors ordered him to and the scared kid that was afraid to get close to anyone."
"Good thing we had a big bed, it must have been crowded at times." Treize joked, wrapping his arms loosely around Duo. Duo's back was healed, but he wanted to be careful, Duo looked so fragile. "We did have a big bed, didn't we?"
The question was very tentative. He hated not remembering and at times wondered if he had made the right choice, leaving the place that he felt safe in, the place that he thought of as home, even if Miri was getting more and more violent in the bedroom. Those doubts quieted when Duo looked at him with love and concern, even though he tried to hide that expression. Miri never looked at him like that. It was always about Miri's feelings, Miri's needs. Not Treize's. And Duo...Duo was kind to him, more then he was to himself and was willing to let him go if he had to. No matter how much Duo wanted to keep him. Duo understood that he was a person, and thinking back, Treize wasn't sure if Miri ever saw him as anything more then a doll to be manipulated.
"Most of the times we did and it was," Duo admitted, "we both had a lot of ghosts that joined us there too. You knew the name of every soldier that died for you. You knew how many people got killed in that stupid war, on both sides. And they all talked to you in your sleep, between the two of us, we had a lot of nightmares."
"You still do, don't you?" Treize asked. "And other problems." #I got a list from Une, about things to watch out for, things that I should expect, like the nightmares and the flashbacks, before we left. Things that I should call her about if you have trouble. And orders to make sure that you ate. It was amusing. They all act if you don't have the brains to get out of the rain. But I know that you are lost more then anything. You won't tell me why, but I wonder about it at times. It wasn't just Miri's torture that broke you, but things that you did and now can't live with. And won't tell me about, because you want to protect me from what I was. What you were like before and what made you into the person that you are today. But I want to know about that! I want to get to know you, talk to you about nothing much and watch you enjoy eating again and a thousand little things that we must have done together before, but because of my stupidity or my bad luck I don't remember anymore.#
"Yeah, I get them a lot, but I was getting better. And I do still have the occasional flashback, more from the Barton incident and fighting again more then anything. Now? Howard was pumping me full of drugs for the last couple of weeks, who knows what the result is?" Duo tried to act like it was nothing, but he was worried, he didn't want to freak out on T-chan, who probably didn't know how to handle it. #Iria had no idea what the drugs would do to me, not that I let her do anything to me then give me that salve and the antibiotics. The sleeping pills, they were something that I was too tired to argue about. But she saw the needle marks, so she knew that something had been pumped into me. And she was not happy that she couldn't get much out of my medical records, even after Heero hacked into Sally's files. That we got T-chan's records from before was good through, just in case. I still can't believe that he survived the battle with Wufei. I should have looked for him...done something. Not just run away.#
"I still can't believe that I have a daughter." Treize said softly, breaking Duo's train of thought.
Duo laughed. "She's smart, tough and starting to be a nice kid. I feel bad about abandoning her, even if it's for the best. Dekim Barton...her grandfather was a nasty guy, wasn't too nice to her. And I wasn't much better. I threatened to kill her if she didn't stop the rebellion that she was involved in. That is not a very good first meeting." #I saw her eyes and I was lost, they are so much like yours...it was so hard to tell her that, but I had to. It had to stop. None of us could take it anymore.#
"That must have been interesting." Treize said, leaning down to kiss the top of Duo's head. He felt like he belonged in his arms, he might not remember Duo, but his body did. From the first kiss that they exchanged, Duo felt good to him. Miri never did and he had thought that he was just imagining things, when he felt that way. He might be imagining this, but it did feel so right.
Duo tightened his arms in response. God he had missed this. "I was on a roll too, because after it was all over, the World President was starting to get pissy and I told him to shove it. He wasn't too happy seeing the head of his Preventers checking to see if the Vice Minister to the Colonies still had her tonsils with her tongue and hugging the stuffing out of her. And that most of the pilots were getting snuggly too. Prejudicial bastard." Duo said that without much heat, he didn't think that the World President was anti same sex relationships, but seeing Une kissing Relena like that was the last thing that he wanted to see at that time.
"Speaking of prejudices, whose apartment is this?" Treize asked.
Duo frowned, but didn't move. He could stay here forever. "I think that it's one of his sisters' place. Fatima. She's on a dig someplace, she does some odd Archeological stuff."
"So there should only have one bed, since she doesn't have a room mate. Quarte wasn't being...cupidish...for a lack of a better word, about this. And it's a nice place, he didn't have to let us stay here." #Even though it had been decided fairly quickly and without much fuss. We didn't care and were willing to have the others make all the arrangements. I think that Duo and I were still in shock about everything. I knew that I was very willing to have someone else do the thinking for me, because I never really had to do that before. Quatre was willing to do anything to help us. Lending us an apartment was something that made him think that he could help. He has a major guilt problem. I was starting to wonder if he thought that Miri's problems with Duo were his fault too. Quatre needs Trowa, Wufei and Heero just to keep up with him and reassure him he is doing the right thing and that not everything is his fault.#
Duo giggled. "He did. Maria threatened him."
"With what?"
"I don't know but the two of them are scary at times and she has the added advantage of being a girl. And they both look so innocent that butter wouldn't melt in their mouth, when you know that they aren't, really."
"Ah" was Treize's neutral comment. He knew that neither one was unknowing about the darker side of life, but they still managed to retain an air of being untouched. He wondered what she had said to Quatre, the man had enough sisters and experience with them, not to be blackmailed by a little girl. Or did he give in because his lovers pressured him? Trowa had been the first to mention the apartment to them.
"Is there someplace that you want to go?" Duo asked, in a concerned tone. #Besides back with the sicko.#
"No...." Treize protested, his voice trailing off, before adding. "I really don't have anyplace to go." He hoped that Duo didn't think that he sounded as pitiful as he thought he did.
"You can find that out too if you want." Duo said, stepping back and looking up at T-chan. "I didn't want to drag you off like I did, but..."
"Duo you explained your reasons and I accept them." Treize replied, "I don't want anyone else to get hurt by Miri either. And you would worry if I went off on my own. I can admit that I am not equipped to survive on my own anymore. Don't apologize for wanting to protect your family and friends, as well as give me sometime to think." Treize bent over and impulsively kissed Duo lightly on the forehead.
Duo leaned into the kiss for a second, before breaking contact. He couldn't get used to this, T-chan was addictive to him, but he wasn't going to give in to his craving for him. Even if every nerve in his being cried out to let T-chan continue to hold him, like he had dreamed about, those long weeks in space, at the end of the war and during the time that he was missing. T-chan had to figure out who he was now and Duo crawling into his pants was not going to help things. Because even if he didn't go back to Mirialdo, there was nothing that would keep T-chan with him. Their relationship didn't exist any longer and Duo wasn't sure of what made T-chan leave that place, but it wasn't true love or anything that would keep him with his former lover. More like pity because he wouldn't want Mirialdo to hurt him again. And Duo would have been hurt if Treize left him behind.
T-chan had gotten along fine with the rest of the pilots, he might decide to go back and join Quatre's growing harem. Duo mentally slapped himself for that bitter comment. It was undeserved, Quatre had a lot of love and he was willing to share it with his fellow pilots. Just because Duo felt that he was left out in the cold again, he shouldn't act like Jackass the President did on seeing how close the other pilots were. Duo was welcome there also if he wanted to join them, Wufei and Heero told him that, after their little offer. But...was it stupidity or selfishness that kept hoping that T-chan wouldn't go back there, if he wanted to. That he would want to stay with him, even if he was a burnt out whore, that was marked as someone else's property. Trowa said that he should try, that no matter what his past had been like, that he did deserved to be loved.
Treize mentally sighed and hoped that he hadn't scared Duo. He knew that he was skittish around people, him in particular at times, and that he didn't like to be touched. But it seemed right to do that and he wanted to reassure him that he was doing the right thing. He needed to learn how to function in society, something that had never been encouraged by Miri. That Duo was willing to overcome his obvious longing for him was heartwarming. Duo was a very caring person, his friends were right about that. But, part of him, no matter how happy he was that Duo was letting him alone, to make up his mind about what he wanted to do with himself, wanted Duo to throw him on the bed and screw him silly. He blushed at the thought. Duo noticed that and frowned.
"No, don't be embarrassed." he protested. "I liked it." #A little too much!# "And they're your family and friends too. Just because you don't know them now, doesn't mean that they don't want to know you better."
"Its just...I don't know...just that...what was our relationship like? How did I treat you? How did you treat me? Did we have pet names or something like that?" Treize asked stuttering a little at his boldness. Miri would never have approved of him questioning him like that. But Duo wasn't Miri, so he might not mind, even if it was a topic that he didn't want to talk about. "Did I do that a lot? Kiss you. Or what was it like when we were...intimate? When we...." He just let his voice trail off, he really didn't know what to call it. Sex, making love, what was it that they had done?
Duo mentally squirmed at the question and then sighed as he sat down on a chair. It was going to be an uncomfortable discussion. "Aside from me calling you T-chan, no. Occasionally you'd call me 'my sweet', but nothing really. What else do you want to know?" he asked quietly. #I never thought that I'd see T-chan embarrassed about sex. Hell we had an audience half the time towards the end and that didn't faze him . He knew what he wanted and told you. He was devoted sensualist, wanting to have his lover enjoy himself, to have them feel good more then anything. That shit that Mirialdo was pulling on him for the last few years was so disgusting because of that.#
"It's just..." Treize blushed. Duo watched, fascinated. He had never seen T-chan embarrassed about anything before. "...you saw how it was with Miri and myself, was it like that for us?" #I don't think so. You were so upset that he was hurting me. If we had the same kind of relationship, you would have been angry that he was abusing your property, not that he was hurting me as a person. And I know that I have to make myself think about these things and not still blindly accept whatever line Miri handed me, because I do have someone that will tell me what I was like before. I don't think that Miri and I actually had a relationship after that battle, I was just part of whatever sick fantasy Miri wanted to live out.#
Duo shook his head, trying not to cry. The memories of their encounters filled his mind. God he missed it, the cuddling and the afterglow. Sex was fantastic, but making love was an act to be treasured. And he wanted that back, he thought that most of the problem he had with Wufei's and Heero's offer was the fact that he didn't know if it would have been sex or love. He wanted love so badly, but he wasn't going to settle for sex. Even from the guys that he had felt the closest to. "You told me early on, that you didn't like to hurt your...partner...."
Duo decided on that word, it was neutral and he could continue to use it if T-chan asked more questions. Because there was no way he was going to say that they were lovers, that would send him the wrong message. And T-chan's post war relationship with Mirialdo Peacecraft wasn't love, but possession and obsession.
"We were just happy to be together, after we..." Duo trailed off, " after we settled down. It was a problem at times because of our schedules and other things. But we did have fun, lazy days together. A lot of good times. Those helped keep me going...when things got bad later."
"Oh." Treize said, sitting down on the sofa. He noticed that Duo usually chose to sit in chairs, so he didn't have to sit near anyone, like a sofa might force him to. And that he had a tendency to sit in corners, hiding almost. Treize made a mental note to rearrange some of the furniture, so that Duo would get a comfortable spot to sit. One with that let him have his back to the wall and face the outer door and the door to the bedroom. That would make him comfortable.
"That didn't really answer your question, did it?" Duo asked with a little smile.
"Not really, I just was wondering if..." Trieze wondered how he could phrase this, without sounding like he was not interested or too interested or too dumb, since he couldn't remember what was obviously an important relationship.
Duo smiled sadly. He sense part of T-chan's discomfort. It hurt, that he didn't remember anything, but then Mirialdo apparently didn't exactly encourage independent thinking in T-chan outside a few areas. And definitely he wouldn't want him to remember what he had been like before. Cool, suave and always in charge. Not someone that would put up with the sick games that Mirialdo liked playing. "You used to be a bit of a control freak. But, so long as you knew that I wasn't going to hurt myself, you let me take the lead on occasion. But most of the time, we were happy to keep it simple, unlike what your relationship with Mirialdo was like. There wasn't really a lot of time or interest on either one of us for it to get fancy. Little things like bubble baths or special food, stuff like that. Treats for two people that never got to see each other."
Treize thought about it for a while, Duo was content to let him have the time. He didn't think that Treize was finished with his questions. But at least he was not triple thinking the answers wondering if they were true. Duo smiled slightly. That had been interesting in the beginning, watching the gears grind in T-chan's head, before he learned to trust him. He was just trying to find out the answers, now. And he was so painfully trusting, something that Duo hadn't seen in anyone in a while. Not even Quatre.
"What's so funny?" Treize asked, watching the small smile cross Duo's face. He still couldn't believe that he was the dominant lover in their relationship, the thought was just so alien to him, because of all the times that he had been punished by Miri for being too aggressive in bed with him.
"Just thinking that it's nice that you aren't wondering what's going to blow up in you face. Or what the trap is in my answer. It was like that in the beginning. As I told you before, you didn't trust a lot of people."
"But I trusted you." #I remember thinking that you were a trap, with Miri. And you were, in a way. But that was how we met the first time, so it isn't bad that we meet that way again is it? But part of me remembered that, even if I couldn't really know that. Did I want to protect myself from remembering you so much that I can only get subconscious flashes about you? So that I wouldn't do something that would enrage Miri and I'd get hurt or killed? Or did I feel guilty about the fact that I couldn't stop you from fighting and getting hurt. That I thought you were dead because you disappeared out of my life once before when Wufei discovered us?#
"Me and Une. You trusted Zechs, I think, but when Mirialdo showed up again...he wasn't nice to you. So you didn't trust him." Duo said, losing the smile.
"But Zechs and Mirialdo were the same person." Treize said, confused. #Who was Zechs? They all keep mentioning him. But wasn't that just the name that Miri used to hide from the authorities. Or was he actually a real person to Miri, since he had to be Zechs for such a long time. And how long had Miri been -that way-, so that he could have two personalities and switch between the two of them, like he did.#
Duo thought for a moment. "Not really. I sorta thought about this a lot over the years. Not sleepin' at night lets you think about the oddest things. They weren't, the same person. Zechs was born after Mirialdo's parents were killed by the Feds and he went into hiding. I don't know when he joined the Academy, but he was out of there when he was seventeen, highest honors in everything. Noin and Une were just behind him by fractional points. Une because she messed some things up earlier and Noin because she didn't want to outshine her prince charming. Not that it mattered, he didn't really care about her. I think you guys were involved by then."
"But what was his relationship with Noin?" Treize asked curiously. #That's a new name.#
"He was sleeping with her too, according to Noin. She was real pissed about the fact that I was sleeping with you, to fill in for him, because she couldn't believe that he swung that way. But he left both of you behind, to become Mirialdo Peacecraft again." #After he raped you and beat you. A good bye present from him, before he went off to the 'test' that almost destroyed Tallgeese. He was angry that you couldn't protect him anymore and hurt you because of that.#
"Umm, Duo...who is Noin?" Treize asked, sheepishly.
Duo blushed. He had to keep reminding himself that T-chan didn't know everything and everybody any more. His charisma was still there, but T-chan didn't use it any more to dazzle people. He seemed to have forgotten the trick of it. "Lucrecia Noin was an instructor at the Academy for a while, until Wufei semi-leveled the place. Then she joined the OZ takeover of the Federation bases. Noin defected about the same time that Mirialdo reappeared, to watch over Relena, because she was starting to make her move on the Romafellers. They split after the war, because Noin does not like the fact that Une and Relena are living together. And she does not like me. We've had a few run ins. And she's pretty. I'll see if I can find a picture of her. You really don't want to meet her, she'd go ballistic about the whole situation." Duo explained. "You can tell when Mirialdo was Zechs, he's got this masked helmet look going for him. Very odd. I could never figure out why the Academy let him get away with that. And the hair...most of the trouble I got into was because of my hair, I don't know why they let him keep his. But if he was doing the mask thing, I don't think that they would argue about the hair."
"But Zechs loved me." Treize said. #Okay Zechs was Miri, but Miri wasn't Zechs. And which ever personality was dominant, had to be in control. Which is why Miri did those things to me. But... how strange it must have been for Miri, growing up as Zechs, a fighter, when his family's legacy was of peace. No wonder he is the way that he is. He saw a chance to absolute control over someone in his life and took it. But it still doesn't excuse the physical abuse that he subjected me to.#
"I think so, but...I don't know. I think that you were more friends then lovers, but you were still really close. I got that from a letter that you wrote to me, it's not wishful thinking on my part." Duo explained quietly, he really didn't want to mislead T-chan. "And you and Zechs were both control freaks, so sex was...interesting? I guess. I think you guys fought more about who was the top then anything else in your relationship." Duo smiled at him. He had no problem with Zechs and Treize sleeping together, of being in love. Zechs never hurt Treize. He could have lived with Zechs and Treize being together after the war, even though it was a painful thought to him, because they had been together for a long time, been friends and had a lot more in common then the street rat and the aristocrat. Treize and Mirialdo together was another story, that was his personal nightmare.
"We didn't have that argument." Treize said. #This may not be what he wants to tell me, but I want to know. What were we like, as a couple. Was it all sneaking around? You mentioned that we tried to be normal at the end, what was that like for us? Can you give me enough hints so that I might remember you, trigger something in my memory, you seem like a nice person, no matter what you think about yourself. I want to remember you, because...I need to remember you. You are someone that should be remembered. And not because of a pair of gorgeous eyes and beautiful hair. You are a beautiful person, even if you don't believe it. You took in my daughter and gave up the life that you built for yourself to save Relena again.#
Duo smiled again, Treize noticed that it reached his eyes this time. He whole body lit up, Treize swore. Duo must have loved him very much, still did, if he was willing to leave everything behind just for him. Because he could have just disappeared again. They would have never found him, unless he wanted to be found, if he was on his own. Treize knew that Duo was very good at hiding, no matter how physically or mentally hurt he might be, because he hid from Howard as long as he did and hid what he was doing from his friends too. They might be found since they were together. They were going to stand out, a boy with a braid like that, living with an older man.
"We didn't. I was very willing to be the bottom, because I knew that you needed that from me and I...liked it." #Liar, you loved it! Craved it! Because it filled your soul after a while, not just your body.# The light went out of Duo's eyes when he continued sadly, and he looked like a different person. "And you know what it was like with Mirialdo."
"Thank you." Treize said sincerely. "I know that you don't like telling me these things, because you feel that it influence me, about my decision about what I want in my new life." #You are coloring what I am feeling and thinking about because of what you are doing. You are willing to tell me anything that you know. You don't treat me like I was a possession that you won. You are showing me that you have a kind heart, even though you don't believe it about yourself.#
Duo shrugged. "I don't want to pressure you. Or deceive you. But let me wander into the kitchen and see what there is for food. I should go shopping, because Fatima didn't leave a lot to eat and didn't cook a lot, from the stack of menus by the phone. So it's takeout for tonight. Shopping tomorrow. We can be mundane and argue about what cereal to buy."
"Take out?" Treize asked, not caring about the shopping.
"Yeah...don't worry about not knowing take out, it's a plebeian thing." Duo reassured him with a grin. "And you never had it, I found that out early on. Fine dining, elegant wines, nice things, you could name all of them and find the best restaurants near any base that you were at, but forget about take out. You had no clue. I always promised to sneak some food in, but really couldn't. And there was the leftover problem, explaining to the soldiers that cleaned your room about the boxes, where they came from. I could have taken it with me, but I wanted to cook for you a lot more then have you experience the joy of take out food." Duo voice dropped to a whisper, "I hoped we would have time...afterwards." He shook off that thought and his voice got stronger, "People knew that you had a lover that visited you, I think, but that would have been pushing it to leave behind that much evidence. Most of them were still at the guessing stage of things, they just knew that someone was keeping you occupied. A lot of people thought it was Une, because you were eating together a lot more, usually to finish up whatever I left for you. But they didn't care because it didn't change the way that you were running things." #The Romafellers were apparently happy that you were discreet about this one. That you didn't flaunt it this time, not that you did that with Zechs, but enough people knew about it that it wasn't a secret. And your soldiers all respected you for having the balls to keep Zechs in line once he had started to weird out. The Romafellers would have gone ballistic for sure though, if they figured out that you were sleeping with one of the terrorists that were trying to overthrow their little governmental clique.#
"Surprise me then, since I never had it."
"We can go through the menus together and get it delivered." Duo said. "You always have a choice about what you want." #I'm not gonna run your life like Mirialdo did. Because he is a sick bastard. I know that it took him time to condition you so that you let him run your life. The total loss of memory helped. And he almost certainly didn't start working you over physically until he got you the way he liked mentally. It was all about control, from the time that you woke up enough to respond to him, until he got you the way that he wanted. He had a clean slate to work with, he turned you into what he wanted. I know that I can't get the 'old' Treize back any more then I can get the 'old' Duo back. Because of what that sick, twisted fuck did to the both of us.#
"You don't want to deal with people." Treize made this statement sound like a question.
Duo grinned, but Treize noticed how forced it was. "I'm tired and I'd probably over react. So staying in is a good thing." #A safe thing so that I won't freak in public, if I smell someone smoking or see them cooking the food, with a nice, shiny sharp knife that would set me off too.#
"You taking a nap, is also a good thing." Treize said. "Sleep and I'll wake you in an hour. Even if you don't sleep, you should lay down."
"You don't mind?" Duo asked in a small voice, "I feel silly." #Actually I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up without having a nightmare. I want to make love to you, so badly. I physically ache to not being able to touch you, fighting to keep my distance from you, so that you have a choice about this relationship. It's so hard and I wonder if I can keep my distance from you. Maybe as soon as you get more independent it will be easier. But there is hope, because you just gave me an order, almost, to rest and get some sleep.#
"You have been on an emotional roller coaster for the last few days, and are still healing after all that has been done to you. Sleep is what you need." Treize hesitated for a moment, then asked, "Do you want me to stay with you?"
"NO!" Duo insisted loudly, shaking his head violently. "I'll be fine."
Treize felt a pang go through him, what was wrong with Duo that he didn't want to be near him? Or anyone? What had changed in him out in the vast reaches of space and would he ever tell anyone about all of it? And he couldn't believe that Duo was actually following an order that he gave him.
Duo must have seen something in his expression, because he blushed and said, "I'm sorry, but..." he took a deep breath, "I want you so badly. I want to be with you again, to love you and stay with you. I've said it and please don't get angry. I don't want that to affect your decision. I'm so messed up...you want to know what caused me to get caught by Mirialdo? I ran almost screaming out of the hotel when Heero and Wufei made their offer to me and I panicked. It wasn't the smoothest seduction in the history of the Universe, but I can't believe that anyone would be attracted to me, sexually, so I ran away from them. And since Howard 'marked' me as his, I feel uglier."
Tears were streaming down Duo's face and he was shaking. "I'm gonna take that nap now and try not to feel like jerk. But everyone leaves...I can't take that anymore."
"Duo..." Treize said quietly, "Why..." #You want me badly, but don't like to be touched by me. We're both sending each other mixed signals about what we think that the other wants and second guessing a lot of things. This is going to be difficult. Because if I decide to stay with you, you'll never believe it's because I want you, because Miri and Howard hurt you so badly. But it isn't a difficult choice, staying with you has been wonderful and I don't want to leave. And I know about your problems, because they all wanted to warn me how bad you were, mentally and physically. But I already knew that, from that night with Miri, from what you told him. With love I think that you can find something of yourself again. Be happy. Learn to live.#
"Don't, just don't." Duo said in the same controlled tone, "Think about things, take a walk, anything, just don't try and tell me I'm wrong. It's still raw for me and..." Duo sniffed, "I can't fall in love again, it was wonderful and it hurt so much and I'm babbling so I'll go now."
Duo turned and walked quickly down the hallway closing the bedroom door firmly behind him, leaving a very bewildered Treize to stare after him. So Duo still loved him, which shouldn't be a surprise from what everyone had been telling him, but he was confused and hurt. Treize understood those emotions, confused and hurt did describe his relationship with Miri very well. And what did Duo mean that they all left after a while? He vaguely remembered that Heero had mentioned that to him during their discussion that night at Quatre's, but it couldn't be true, could it? Not everyone that he loved could have died on Duo.
Duo emerged from the bedroom an hour later, surprised that the living room had been rearranged. He must have been really out of it if he didn't hear all the furniture being moved. Treize had moved things around so that one of the overstuffed chairs had ended up in a corner of the room, that it faced the doors and hid the occupant in shadows, just the way he liked it. Duo felt unreasonably touched that T-chan had done that for him and restrained himself from hugging him, because he wouldn't stop. He just said 'thank you' and went into the kitchen to grab the menus, he was feeling a little hungry and hopefully the food didn't take too long to get here.
They spent a few minutes deciding what to get, Duo claiming that he didn't care and Treize trying to get Duo to make the decision. In the end, they compromised by throwing the stack of menus up in the air and picking one at random, the lucky one was a Thai restaurant. Duo smiled during the rest of the discussion that they had, T-chan was willing to eat almost anything and Duo obliged him by over buying, getting enough food so that he had a good selection, after finding out if T-chan did spicy and what he liked for meat and veggies. He bought almost anything that T-chan had shown an interest in.
It turned out to be a little place down the street, that Fatima seemed to have eaten there a lot, because they knew the address, but seemed confused that someone was there. Duo answered the door an half hour later to a curious delivery boy. After tipping him well for his trouble, he grinned at him. "Fatima's brother asked me to look after things, he doesn't like the apartment sitting empty while she's gone."
The boy grinned back. "Yeah, she mentioned her brother a couple of times, that he was kinda protective of her, even though he was younger then she was."
"That's him," Duo agreed. "He wants to make sure that she has a clean lived in apartment to come home to, after living in a tent for months."
"Usually its one of her sisters that's here, there seems to be a ton of them." was the comment
Duo nodded in agreement. "There are. But my food's getting cold and I'm hungry so I'm cutting this short, but can you recommend a good grocery store, this place is empty and unlike Fatima, I like cooking."
"A place down the street, it's a little expensive, but they have a lot of good stuff and they are willing to order special for people. The drugstore next to it is good too." The delivery boy informed him, before waving good bye and getting on with his deliveries.
"Could you tell me who the Mad Five were?" Treize asked, as he poked at his food.
He had eaten his fill and had teased/ordered/coaxed Duo into eating almost as much as he had. Duo was now curled in the corner chair, sleepily blinking his eyes at Treize, stuffed to the gills, and looking like he did not want to move. Duo decided that he had to though, he should throw the leftovers, not as many as he thought there would be, in the fridge, so they could have them for breakfast. He couldn't believe that he had allowed T-chan to bully him into eating so much. But he couldn't really say no, not after T-chan had threatened to feed him if he didn't eat a good supper, since he had barley touched his breakfast and they had both skipped lunch. There wasn't much else in the apartment besides coffee. Or maybe they could go out for breakfast. Eat in public like a real couple, like they had done in Boston.
Duo shuddered involuntarily at that question, waking up a little because T-chan had asked that question. "Let me put stuff away and get another drink. It's a long story...I don't know all of it, but you'll get what I know."
He got up and started gathering up boxes of leftovers to put in the refrigerator. He was happy to see T-chan got up to help, household chores were never something that he had to deal with before, besides loading the dishwasher in his quarters. When he needed his quarters cleaned, they sent a private to do the housework. Duo smiled. That was going to be interesting, teaching T-chan about the really fun stuff; the laundry, cleaning and cooking. Treize enjoyed Duo's smile, even if he couldn't figure out the cause.
"You know that I'm gonna have to teach you about laundry, cooking and stuff? And don't panic, you didn't know how to before." Duo teased T-chan. "Except how to run the dishwasher in your quarters."
"Are you sure? I should have known more then that." Treize commented, puzzled.
Duo thought. "Maybe laundry, how to take care of your own stuff, from the Academy. You didn't have to though, one of the privileges of bein' the head of OZ. World Domination and having the housework taken care of for you. And you grew up, like really rich, so I don't think that you had to worry about cooking your own breakfast and then doing the dishes."
"How rich?" popped out of Treize's mouth before he could stop it. That explained some of his assumptions about living with Miri, aristocrats never worried about paying the bills, he found that out with his reading.
Duo shrugged. "I didn't ask. I let Une handle it. I wasn't up to dealing with it when things got settled. And I guess you knew that I'd be that way because you left everything in trust until I was twenty-one. You left everything to me and Une, with some other stuff on the side. I got the will with me, Une packed it with my stuff. I never read any of it and when the lawyer handled it, that was a nightmare that I'll tell you about later. The man was such a putz. You can look through it, might set something off. But we're living off the money I stole from OZ right now, so don't worry about it. And I got things set up for you, accounts, a history and stuff like that you needed for being a new person. I told you that earlier, didn't I?"
Duo was a little worried though, he didn't remember a lot of what happened between the time that they escaped and Une showed up. He remembered bits and pieces, but nothing besides a couple of vague conversations. And a lot of crying. Drugs did that to him, that's why he hated them. Anything stronger then an aspirin and things got a little vague and off. He still didn't remember anything more then sleeping for the first month after the war.
"You did." Treize reassured him. #You loved me enough to set up things so that if you didn't survive and I did, I had some protection. I'm surprised I didn't have anything set up before that coup attempt that they mentioned or was I just arrogant enough to believe that I would never need it? Then again I seem to have continuously flaunted convention by carrying on an affair with one of my subordinates and then with one of the enemy, so I was arrogant. Or I might have and just never mentioned it to you, that I had something in place in case I survived, but I doubt it. I think I would have told you that, I told you everything else. Did I think that I wasn't supposed to survive the war either?#
"Good." Duo smiled at him again. "Things are a little foggy. I can't remember if I have conversations with you or thought that I have had a conversation with you and it was just all in my mind. I talked to you a lot when you weren't around. But don't worry about the money thing, you and I have plenty of it. And don't feel guilty, because it was OZ's to begin with, I just got creative with the accounting."
"Une explained to me about the money situation." Treize reassured him. "She wanted to assure me that everything was under control. And you know, before she mentioned it, I didn't think about it. I knew that Miri earned money by working for Howard. And he bought things with it, but I never really questioned about how everything was paid for. Stupid of me wasn't it?"
"Uh-uh" Duo shook his head. "It was just something that he never let you think of. Miri kept you in a nice little habit trail. He gave you enough room to run around, but he didn't let you know about anything that counted. He kept you occupied and busy didn't he with odd things? Not letting you try and remember, because that would be bad, because then you'd get your shit together and book on him, like you did."
Trieze nodded. "Mostly and I...I liked sleeping with Miri. We...I didn't dream, I was too tired, #or sore# to after...after sex. And if I didn't dream, I didn't bother him with questions that got him upset, about things that I saw in my dreams. And Miri upset was difficult to deal with, at times. So I gradually stopped trying to remember and let Miri order me around. It wasn't difficult. It was rather easy once I made the conscious decision to let him control me. But...it just felt that there was something missing. I guess that it was you. "
Duo made an abortive move to hug T-chan and then just kept his hands to himself. It would be better if he did, because brooding in the bedroom for an hour did nothing about his longing for T-chan. He started touching him now, he wouldn't stop. And Duo had a sneaking suspicion that T-chan wouldn't stop him either. But not because he actually liked Duo, but because he thought that it was part of the price that he had to pay for getting away from Mirialdo, even thought Duo kept telling him that he didn't have to worry about that. He took a deep breath and forced himself to speak calmly. And not think about killing a certain insane blonde pilot for hurting his lover.
"I may not like talking about what happened. I may not like telling you what you did, because it upsets me. But I won't take that out on you. It's my problem and I might act like a jerk, but don't ever hesitate to ask me something about your past and our relationship or anything that to want to know, when you wanted to know it. I never lied to you in the past and I'm not going to now. But I just want to tell you that while I never lied to you about anything in the past, I may not have told you everything that you wanted to know, when you wanted to know it. I also may not have known what I was telling you was the truth either, but..." Duo's voice dropped to a whisper. "Everyone lied to you one way or another. There wasn't much difference between the backstabbing that the Romafellers and the Feds did and surviving in the kid gangs on L2, besides the fact that the Romafellers were cleaner and better fed. You had to watch your back, weigh every offer of help or hurt and try to out think your enemies. So I didn't want to lie to you. And I didn't."
#You want to touch me, but you keep yourself from doing that. Are you afraid that I'll misread it and reject you? Or that I'll let you touch me because I think that I have to. I realized that you just wanted me away from Mirialdo, and have no hope that I'm interested in you, but do you realize that I may want to be with you? I want return to what we had, that even though I don't remember you, that I feel incomplete without you now that I found you again?# Treize thought as he put boxes in the refrigerator. God it was empty, they really did need to go food shopping. Now that he was living with Duo, Duo was not surviving on coffee and not much else for breakfast, lunch and dinner. He'd bully Duo into eating more if it killed him, he seemed to react well to that tactic tonight when he tried it out on him. Then maybe he'd grow and get some confidence in himself. #All his psychological problems might just be the result of low blood sugar. And mine just might be poor self image, due to any number of things.# Treize jeered at himself, #Next pop psychology theory -Gundam pilots blew things up because they liked the pretty flames, not because it was a military objective.#
"Who are the Mad Five?" Treize repeated his question, when he was done with putting the food away, "You mentioned them before."
"Hnn." Duo said, grabbing something to drink. "You want some more tonic?"
"No thank you." #Are you stalling or just trying to gather your thoughts?#
"Okay, let wander back to the living room and I'll tell you the nasty bed time story." Duo joked.
"If it's a bed time story, shouldn't we be in bed?" Treize teased him. #Gathering your thoughts, then. Stalling...you would have tried something else to distract me. But I don't think that this is going to be simple for you to tell me about. I see that easily enough, but maybe I can tease you a little to cheer you up.# "Like when you told Maria her bed time story?" #I know that it didn't end on a good note, but you were so alive for a while. I liked seeing that.#
Duo blushed and shook his head. "No bed!" #No. No. No. I want it too much, I think that I'll drive you away by being too clingy.#
"Can I sit on your lap?" Treize turned to Duo and widened his eyes, trying to look pitiful. He couldn't understand why he was doing this to Duo. He'd rather have Duo cuddled in his lap, if he was on Duo's lap, he'd crush the boy. And he had to stop thinking of him as a boy. Duo was an adult, it was only that he was so fragile and petite that Treize automatically thought of him as a boy. He wasn't much bigger then Maria.
Duo's breath caught and he opened his mouth soundlessly. He closed it after a second and shook his head again, not trusting his voice. Treize frowned and stopped teasing Duo. It wasn't helping him that much. "You are okay with this?"
Duo smiled to reassure T-chan. He shouldn't get so upset over some teasing. And he really wasn't upset, just didn't know what the boundaries were, he'd find them eventually. They both were kinda clueless about these things right now, like two kids on their first date. "I'm fine, just, it's nice that you're teasing me. No lap though, for either one of us."
"Okay," Treize agreed, then leaned over and hugged Duo. "I like teasing you. You should smile a lot more."
"With you around I might." Duo said softly. "But, I'm not gonna be able to tell you what you want to know if you tease me." #Because my brain is going to shut down and then I'm just going to jump you. Or attempt to. You can still kick my butt in hand to hand I bet. So this better stop before I make a bigger fool of myself then I already have. I don't want to let go of you right now.#
"No teasing." Treize nodded solemnly, letting go of Duo reluctantly, he didn't want Duo to think that he didn't like him, but Duo seemed as uncertain with the rules about what was acceptable between the two of them as he was, "but I can ask questions?" #I trust you...you wouldn't lie to me about the past. But don't leave things out about us because you think that it would be bad, that it will force me into thinking about you in certain ways, but I need to know it all.#
"You can ask all the questions that you want." Duo said, curling up on his chair. "But let me start with the basics, before we get into questions. I know that you might have picked up some of this stuff in the reading that you did at Quatre's.
About twenty or so years ago, with the assignation of Heero Yuy, the leader of the colonial unity movement, the Federation started to tighten its hold on the colonies. They isolated the colonies and then took them over one by one, with the military. Some Federation scientists decided to make a mobile suit about the same time, that was the prototype for all the rest; the Leos, the Virgos, the Cancers and of course the Gundams. There are a few books out on them, you can pick some of them up later. The prototype was called TallGeese. It was rediscovered in one of the bases after we came to Earth. Most people thought it was just an oddity. It was a kickass machine though. Zechs got it up and running again, after about a month of work by the techs. Howard told me that he was one of the guys that designed the blasted thing. It was huge, which was why it got scraped as a project and ignored. It was too big for a lot of people to control, but Zechs could."
"You sound like you admire him." Treize said.
Duo laughed. "I do. I admired Zechs, because he was an honorable fighter. He was dueling with Heero and Une interfered, threatening the colonies, so that Heero ended up self destructing. Zechs was royally pissed about that. Trowa was there and he let Trowa nab Heero so that they didn't get him. We all thought that he was dead and Zechs thought it would be dishonorable for OZ to dissect the body. You...you were kinda upset, you told Une she was being...I think the word was inelegant."
"I told her that?" Treize asked. #My telling her that stopped her from anything that she was planning for the colonies? I had that much influence over people? No wonder Miri enjoyed the control that he had over me. One blow to the head and I went from a world leader to a gullible fool. #
"From what she told me, yeah. Through Noin. After the two of them nearly had a knock down drag out fight in the middle of the control room about what she was doing."
"Why would OZ dissect Heero's body?"
Duo shrugged. "He's got a weird body chemistry and the recordings that they recovered from his suit, made you guys swear he wasn't human. He's human, just had a lot of intense training from an early age, which resulted in a lot of broken bones and other stuff. His controller wanted to turn him into the perfect weapon system on legs or something. Don't question orders and don't care what you get sent after. Just kill it, blow it up or whatever. That's what his controller was aiming for, his playing around with Wufei was gonna send him ballistic if he ever found out about it."
Treize thought about Heero for a while. The man was beautiful, no denying that. He seemed overly controlled though and hopelessly clueless about relationships from what Treize had seen, but he was devoted to Wufei and adored Quatre and Trowa. Quiet and stern though, but very willing to help Duo and himself, since a lot of what he had done had gotten Duo into the mess that they were in. Treize thought it was because he thought that he had failed Duo during the war, with his hostility when he found out what Duo had been doing. Heero's attempts to explain what had happen to Duo had been a bit rough, but he cared about Duo, enough to try and explain to Treize how lost Duo had been after the war, without him. Even though he said that he didn't. And his attempted seduction of Duo in that hotel. Heero apparently had been raised by someone that had no idea about the real world from hearing that conversation. Duo was watching T-chan letting him process the information before getting on with his story. When he thought that Trieze had thought enough about things he continued, after a couple of sips of tonic.
"But the Mad Five were the minds that were behind Tallgeese and the Gundams. After they built TallGeese, they all disappeared into the colonies. I think that G, my controller and Howard sorta kept in touch." Treize heard the loathing in Duo's voice at the mention of the two men. He didn't blame him, he wasn't too fond of Howard right now either. "Most of the rest, Heero's controller, J raised him. Wufei's controller, O lived with his clan. I don't know how Quatre and his controller, S got together. Trowa and H...well, Trowa was another last minute addition to the program, like I was. The original Trowa Barton was shot by H's assistant and our Trowa told them that he would be the replacement. It was either that or get shot himself. And he had been working on HeavyArms for a while. But until the start of Operation Meteor none of them communicated for about twenty years. They came up with the designs and everything separately. It wasn't until us pilots had been working together for a while, did our controllers get together. And then..." Duo's voice trailed off.
"You don't want to talk about it anymore." Trieze stated, wondering if he should stop this now, before there was a repeat of the incident at Quatre's house, when Duo was remembering what had happened on the Libra.
"Not really," Duo admitted, "but it was stuff that you knew before, so I don't know why it's upsetting me. Zechs turned back into Mirialdo, because he let an obsession about dueling with Heero, to finish what Une interrupted with his self destruction thing, outweigh his duty to you and OZ. He got really weird, rebuilding Heero's Gundam and fighting down in Antarctica. You couldn't protect him anymore, so he left. #after he hurt you for his failings.# After there was a Romafeller 'test' about the abilities of TallGeese. He was supposed to die, but Howard fished him out of the ocean, after Zechs had kicked much Alliance butt and Howard repaired the damage to his 'baby', TallGeese. Mirialdo Peacecraft then showed up in Space preaching Relena's pacifism message. Since he was out of your life, the Mad Five decided that I should be in your bed. Before someone else got to it."
"Why?" Trieze asked softly. #I was that important that they would send someone into my bed to influence me and keep an eye on me. And so they sent a boy into my bed, not knowing what I would do to him. Or care. How disgusting. And how appalling was it that I accepted him without a murmur of protest. Was I that desperate or that intrigued by him? A little like it is now, I'm still desperate and Duo is intriguing.#
Duo got up and looked out the window. He couldn't face telling T-chan this. The old T-chan didn't mind, but the new one might. But he wasn't going to lie to him. Too many people knew for him to keep it a secret. "I told you that it wasn't like I hadn't done it before. That's true. In fact, I took money for sex since I was seven. Part of the problem that G had with me was that I said no to him. I could say it and I decided to. I promised myself that I would never peddle my ass again, once I started training. But...they wanted someone in there and the someone ended up being me." Duo tried to keep his voice matter of fact and even, but towards the end it was trembling a little and his hands were clenched by his side into fists, nails digging into his palms.
Treize got up and walked over to Duo, putting his arms around him to comfort him. "Sh...shh. I wasn't that bad was I? In bed or out of it?" #Don't be afraid of me, what could you have done that makes you think that I will hate you? You know what I was like, have I changed that much?#
Duo stifled an involuntary nervous giggle and shook his head. T-chan didn't sound mad, but who knew what was going on in someone's mind? And he wasn't that bad. Hell he was the only one in the war that treated him like he was a person. He meet T-chan's eyes in the reflection "You were kind to me. I told you before that you knew I was with you because of orders. After a while I told you that I used to sell myself. And you...you...didn't care." #please don't care now.# "You were still nice to me, even after that. You treated me like a real person. Even after you figured out that...that...I...I wasn't a good kid."
"Just because you had to accept money for sex, to survive, does not make you a bad person." Trieze said firmly. #You must be so frightened now. You told me everything and I still loved you. Now you have to do it again and you're scared that I'll think what you did during the war and your life was disgusting, because I'm different now. It was disgusting, but only because you had to suffer so much to survive. And what was it like to be you, that you were so grateful to be treated like a real person?#
"I killed people. A lot of them." Duo said in a small voice, turning around and talking to Trieze's chest. He gave into his need to touch T-chan, mentally begging him not to reject him. He had to tell him everything now, he didn't know if he could go through this again.
"Isn't that what you were sent to Earth to do?" Treize asked. He slowly started to rub Duo's back gently, to comfort him. Duo must be really upset if he gave into his need and touched him like he wanted to. He'd give him the physical contact that he needed and try and convince Duo that he liked being touched by the younger man, because he did. Miri never encouraged Treize to touch him in front of other people. Miri only liked himself to touch Treize and did not encourage the other man to touch him or show any affection in public.
Duo hiccupped and shook his head, mumbling into Treize's shirt. "Assassinations. Too many of them."
"Why?" Treize asked gently. #We were in the woods, in a cabin. We were hiding?...and talking about surviving and you didn't think that you would be because of all those assassinations that you had to do. I almost know what he's going to tell me before he does. That if he didn't do it, Quatre and Wufei would have had to.#
Duo continued with a small sob. "So...so...Quatre and Wufei wouldn't have to do them. I...I complained once and that's what I was told, if I wasn't doing them, they would be the one that did it. And I got to choose the victim. I couldn't do that to them. Quatre, he wanted to fight a clean war. I don't think that he ever really understood the terror part of terrorism. Wufei, he was running on guilt more then anything. He's a real smart guy, he spent most of his life before meetin' up with us in libraries. But Heero and Trowa, they were used to killing people. It didn't bother them. They had been killin' people since they were in diapers I swear. Not that it was a good thing, but they could shut themselves off from it. Hell, Trowa had been shut down emotionally for years until Quatre jump started him."
"So why did you have to kill all those people, if there were two others around that seemed to be more experienced at it?" #I was right! Now I just have to figure out how I knew this information. It's not the words, but the feelings and images that I vaguely remember from conversations that we had. That I'm just allowing myself to remember now, by trying not to remember. Then the memories come back. He...something had happened, so that we weren't in my quarters, like we usually were. We were in that cabin that he ended up living in because...of something. He finally confessed to me...that he needed me, that he wanted a future with me, even if he didn't think that it was going to happen. He wasn't ready to say that he loved me yet, but it was close enough to keep me happy. I spent the night with him cradled in my arms after he fell asleep. And...I marveled at the strength that he had, to continue with assignments that would have driven most people insane. Including having an affair with me. It just caught up to him in the end. I just wish I remembered more of it! It's like it's all behind a wall that I just have to figure out where the weak point is and then it will fall and I will remember it all. Even though the all includes some rather unsavory details about my past. Duo thinks that it was worth forgetting him to forget all that. I think that I'd rather remember the bad parts if I remember him along with them.#
Duo hiccupped a little more, which caused Trieze to stroke his hair. He really didn't want to cause Duo to cry and it was on the tip of his tongue to tell him to forget about the rest of it, when he realized that Duo needed to tell him these things, he had told him about this before. So he'd listen and try not to hate himself for making Duo cry.
"Because..." Duo sighed. "I was supposed to kill you when the time was right. I'll explain that later, okay? But, G thought I was weak, because I had been a whore. So he wanted to toughen me up I think. And punish me for not giving him a tumble. But...I don't regret that. I'd rather have the nightmares and crap like that from killing people, then of spread my legs to him. I had a choice. I chose not to get fucked by him. So he gave me every shit assignment that they could think of. And I was not going to let the others suffer for me, because I thought that I actually was a person that counted. Quatre and Trowa, they were courting each other, sort of. Actually Quatre was chasing Trowa more then anything, Trowa was a bit antsy with him, he had been really hurt growing up. Wufei and Heero were sleeping together too. So they couldn't be with you, it'll have hurt what they were trying to build. None of them could have separated sleeping with you because of orders, with the pleasure you have with someone you love. But...you were nice to me. I liked you, I wouldn't have continued it if I didn't." #It had been so unexpected. One little nudge and I was drowning in my love for you.#
"Then you fell in love with me." Trieze said softly.
"Then I fell in love with you," Duo repeated after him. They stood there for a while, content with each other's company, before Treize leaned down and whispered into Duo's ear, "Bed."
Duo jumped and looked up into Treize's smiling face. "huh?" #Did you just say what I thought you said? You're not angry that I was a whore and killed people on order? You still like me, even though I just told you all those things again.#
"Bed, we should go to bed. I'm tired. You're tired. We should go to sleep." #I want to sleep, I want to dream again. I want to see you in my dreams so that I know that I'm doing the right thing. I trust them more then anything now. So I can try to remember you happy. So you and I can heal.# "And you are a person that counts. Never forget that."
Duo blushed. "I don't sleep a lot. And...are you sure that I shouldn't sleep on the couch? I like couches. And beds weren't something that I ever saw a lot of growing up, so I don't need to sleep in one. Or I can sleep on the floor..."
Trieze put his finger to Duo's lips to stop him from speaking. "Are you going to attack me in my sleep?" he asked. #Not that it would be a bad thing, just...its too soon for either one of us. I think I'm going to have to unlearn a lot of 'bad' responses that Miri conditioned me with. You are not going to want to hurt me and hurting me was how Miri enjoyed sex the most. So I got to like the pain and respond to it, the way that he wanted me to.#
"Duh," Duo said, trying not to start licking Treize's finger. "You outweigh me and always could have kicked my butt in hand to hand. As much as I want to, I'm not going to." #I can't believe that popped out of my mouth. I swore that I'd let you come to me, but I keep telling you that I want you, and its gonna screw you over. I do not want to guilt you into making love to me.#
"Then we are sleeping together. In the bed. And then, if you don't sleep though the night, you can come out here to read or watch TV or a movie or something. But you are sleeping in the bed with me." Treize informed Duo sternly. "So go, get ready for sleep and then I'll join you. I'll lock up."
Duo nodded his head and went to get ready for bed. This was the T-chan that he knew, kicking his butt so that he'd take care of himself. Maybe he could get the 'old' T-chan back.
"And Duo," Treize called after him. "You aren't imposing on me. I'd like to sleep with you." #You would not believe what I put up with or submitted to, so that I wouldn't sleep alone. Sleeping alone, I dreamed, which was not good, because my past should have stayed out of my subconscious, so that I wouldn't ever want to question what I was doing with Miri. Now I want to remember and I want to be with you. Get you used to me being near you, so that you'll let down your guard with me. So you will let yourself love me.#
Treize woke up later to find Duo out of bed and curled up on his chair, sitting in the dark. He had turned over and had sleepily searched the bed for his companion. Duo had curled up on the far side of the bed, as far away as he could be from Treize and still be in the bed. Treize bit back a curse and went to find Duo, when his hand felt that there was no one in bed with him. Duo had said that he didn't sleep a lot, but Treize didn't think that he'd be out of bed at two in the morning. They had gone to sleep around eleven. Surely Duo slept more then three hours a night? As Treize stumbled to the living room, he wondered what was it that caused Duo not to sleep. It was something that happened before the war, he was sure of that. Trowa and Rashid mentioned that Duo didn't sleep at all it seemed at times. He yawned and then went to sit on the sofa, not bothering to turn on the lights, letting the ambient light from the street be the only illumination for them.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly.
Duo shook his head no.
"Can I say something?"
Duo nodded slightly, "Yeah." #I'm not that sick fuck you ran from. I acknowledge the fact that you have opinions and a brain.#
"Talking about it should help. But if you don't want to, I understand. And if you can't sleep, you can wake me up." Treize said.
"Don't want to." Duo said quietly. "You should sleep, no sense in both of us looking like a strung out junkie."
"I understand Duo." Treize said, "But...I loathe waking up in bed alone." His voice dropped, "That was one of the ways that Miri punished me, in the beginning. If he was angry with me, he'd go back and sleep in his own bed, afterwards. It got so that I'd do anything to please him, just so that I'd have him in bed with me when I woke up. And it was little things, really, that he would be punishing me for. That I was too aggressive in bed. Or I wasn't responsive enough for him. Habits that he wanted train into me so that I would be his submissive lover." #I said that and I don't know if I want to tell you about this, because it will hurt you. But just as you have things that you have to tell me, for us to heal each other, there are things that I have to tell you. How it was for the last few years. You said that I am blurred in your mind, the old and the new Treize, I have tell why the new me does these things, so you understand if I pull away or wince.#
Duo shook his head. "I'm sorry. I...hated waking up alone too. And...it got so that any bed was too big for me, so...I started sleeping on these really little beds, when I was at home. If it wasn't big enough for another person, it wasn't so bad. Or the sofa. You never had that though. Your bed was big enough to land a Taurus on I swear." #So to keep you in line, Mirialdo acted like you were good enough to fuck, but not good enough to sleep with. Man, that is so cold, because you liked cuddling more then anything and that piece of trash hit you in your weak spot.#
Trieze laughed at that odd statement.
Duo laughed too, smiling at him. "I swear, that was one of the things that passed though my mind when I first saw your room. I was scared shitless, wondering what the fuck was going on and how much your room looked like any of the rooms that we were together in during the war. The smell of roses and books and papers lying about. You weren't messy, but you had a lot of work to do and it showed. A clean desk, but a messy room because of the paperwork that you had. The books were to keep me occupied if you had something to do when I showed up. Or if you ran out of paperwork. Occasionally, we watched a movie together but it wasn't that often. We read aloud a lot to each other."
"Miri said that I like roses, but I didn't really know. I accepted what he told me and worked on the garden."
"I'll get a couple of the small potted ones when we're out shopping tomorrow. You and roses always are in my mind together...along with a few other things. And by the way, gardening is always an in demand skill, I forgot to tell you that earlier. A good one charges the earth. At least that what Une's been telling me, she pays the one at the estate. So you're always gonna be able to get a job if you're worrying about that."
"What else do I remind you of?"
"Strawberries and champagne. You tried to interrogate me with them." Duo smiled at the memory.
"Was I successful?" Trieze asked curiously, trying to figure out why he wanted to do that. Couldn't he have just asked for the information instead of playing such an elaborate game? Had he been that suspicious of people, that he had to examine every statement to see what the hidden message was or the trap? Was everything a game within a game? How did he live like that? Why did he live like that?
"Yes and no." Duo informed him. "We compromised. I hadn't drunk champagne before and I didn't know what it would do to me, and I didn't want to drop my guard around you that much, so I let you play twenty questions with me instead. You wanted info about me and I gave it to you."
"So...I asked you questions about what you were doing and I tried to get information out of you with alcohol." Treize said. "That doesn't sound good. And you were what? Fifteen?" # You loved me even though one of the first things that I tried with you was to get you drunk and take advantage of you. Or was it because I didn't do that to you when you asked me not too?#
Duo shrugged. "About that. I had had alcohol before, I just hadn't had champagne. And I did promise that I wouldn't turn you into the authorities for serving a minor. We treated it like it was a joke. In a way it was, I didn't mind playing games with you. And after a while, you stopped because you trusted me."
"What questions did I ask you?" Treize asked, wondering if it was something like bases, weapons and military intelligence.
Duo laughed. "What's my favorite color, food and music. You asked me nothing about our business. That was about the only ground rule that I had, no questions about anything. I'd tell you stuff in my own time, you knew that, and you could wait. You could have the delights of my body, eventually some info, but you really couldn't ask questions. So I wouldn't have to lie to you about stuff. You agreed to it, because you knew that I'd eventually tell you something. I think that you got off on trying to figure out why I was there, besides to make the bed squeak."
"And you told me?" Treize said. #Business? Terrorism isn't a business. But what else could you have called it? An obsession? A hobby? A curse?#
"Yup, that my favorite color was black. That I liked classical music and Gilbert and Sullivan. And I adored food. Of any sort. Then you told me that your favorite color was blue, favorite food was Chicken Kiev, I got to pick up the ingredients for it when we go shopping, and you also liked classical music, you named off your favorite composers. At the time, you would have told me anything, I was giving you a full body massage."
"Did you do that often, give me massages?" Trieze wondered about why a boy that adored food, was so skinny. Heero had said that Duo claimed everything tasted like ashes after the war, but even though Treize didn't believe him, it must have been true, if Duo didn't eat.
"On occasion." Duo said, wondering why Treize was staring at him oddly. "What's wrong?"
"Why are you so thin?" Trieze asked blurted out. # That's harder, T-chan, I like food. If it isn't moving fast enough I will eat it# floated through his mind, Duo's voice, thoughtful and a bit sad. He wondered when Duo had told him that. He knew that he had at one point.
Duo shifted and stared out the window. "I'm weird I guess. I get stressed or depressed and I stop eating. I didn't eat enough the last couple of years, part of the reason I'm still a shrimp, and I'm always gonna be one because of my childhood. I never got enough to eat growing up and forget about vitamins and stuff like that. And I was on some meds so that I would sleep at night, without nightmares. They made me nauseous instead. Or hyper. So I had gained some weight, after I went to live with Une and Relena and then lost it all. I've been yo-yoing, losing and gaining the same five kilos I swear, since before the war ended. I was losing weight then, because of all the killing that I was doing. You worried about me, but...you couldn't protect me from what I had to do, because that wouldn't of helped me. I would have hated you after a while. Neither one of us was willing to walk away from what was happening. We didn't want anyone else to have to go through it."
"Why were you supposed to kill me?" Treize asked quietly.
Duo flinched and curled up some more. "You were the man with the plan. If you died, it would have fallen apart. The Romafellers couldn't hold the military together, they didn't have a leader with your charm. The troops didn't mind that you were sleepin' with Zechs, because you kept it professional when you needed to. And they didn't care what you did in your off time, unlike the Romafellers, who were pushing the family image until the end. And without the support of the military, they wouldn't have controlled the colonies. So you were supposed to have a convenient heart attack or something. I was supposed to get rid of you when the odds were in favor of the colonies, when I was sent into your bed, it was only about 50-50, they didn't think that they could really win with that, so they played the waiting game." Duo was silent for a second. "They could afford to play the waiting game, they weren't doing the sneaking and I was expandable."
"I'm sorry."
Duo shrugged. "It was one of the most wonderful year of my life. Don't be sorry. That I was gradually going insane from a number of things was something that we were going to worry about later. We...we had to have sex, because they were expecting it." Duo laughed shortly. "It was interesting, neither one of us was particularly modest about sex, privacy was a nonexistent for me growing up, even if I hadn't been peddling myself and you didn't care either. But you were upset about the fact that someone might be listening to us talking, discussing things. We curled up under the blankets and whispered to each other most times, it was like we were to kids hiding from our parents. And played music really loud."
Treize shook his head. What had Duo's childhood been like, besides terrible, if he thought that a year filled with death and war was one of the better ones. The plagues that he mentioned? Training to be a pilot? The last depressing year for him?
"We can do that again." Treize offered. "Curl up like we were on a camping trip and whisper to each other."
Duo smiled, "It would be nice. But I'm ready to go back to sleep now if you want to. And I promise that outside a trip to the bathroom, I'll try to be there for you when you wake up. I liked waking up with you." #I never got enough of that.#
Christine
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