October 11, 2000
Sorry to have taken so long on this part, Real Life and the husband got in the way. Hopefully I can get the next few parts out faster then a month apart. sigh. Depends on my schedule with a few other projects and how my voices are cooperating with me.
Previous Parts archived on GW Addiction http://www.geocities.com/fenris_wolf0/
Feedback is welcome as always. Devilkitty@speakeasy.net
Disclaimers :
I'll get the legal stuff out of the way. Gundam Wing property of Bandai, Sunrise and a host of other people I probably don't know about. Used for entertainment purposes and because the voices in my head tell me to write this stuff. Scary thought, eh? Not for profit. Characters acting OCC, but in an Alternative Universe you should expect that.
#.# Thoughts/Thinking
%.% Arguments
Treize walked into Duo's room, checking to see if he was all right. Duo hadn't eaten much at dinner and had excused himself from the table early to start the clean up in the kitchen. He was surprised to hear two voices coming out of his room. It was Duo and Maria from the sound of it and he started to back out of the doorway when Maria flashed a smile at him and Duo waved him over.
"Just a bedtime story." Duo explained. "Maria's sleeping in here tonight." #I don't really want to let her out of my sight, I'm afraid the boogie man or Mirialdo Peacecraft is going to steal her away. To me they are the same person. And we're not going to be together for a while. I'm gonna come back and find out that she's taller then me and dating!#
"You two sleep together?" Treize asked sitting on the bed near them.
"Stop getting all hot and bothered. Or is it jealous?" Maria teased Treize. "I know it doesn't look good, but Duo's like my mother. And not all the time. That would be bad. But sometimes...when I have a bad night. Besides it not like he likes girls that way." Maria waited a second before adding, "Or women."
"You have bad nights too?" Treize asked, blushing at what Maria was suggesting. #What was done to these two? What was Duo's childhood like? Maria's? Not that she is an adult now, but she doesn't seem too childish. Her eyes have seen too much. And why did she add that last part? What did she mean by that?#
Maria nodded. "Grandfather was weird, not to insult the nutso that I love." Maria flashed a smile at Duo. "But Dekim was a bit odd and..."
"Dekim Barton was a rat bastard that used to threaten her regularly that if she didn't turn out the way that he wanted, he'd start over on a new model. I heard the same threat during my training and I understand the nightmares that it could give you. So sometimes I snooze with Maria." Duo explained. "But bed time now, if you don't get enough sleep, you get cranky. And you had a long day. I don't know about you, but I am tired."
"I do not get 'cranky'" Maria protested, smiling a little.
"Grumpy? Peeved? Pissed?" Duo offered as substitutes. "Ah...bitc...."
"You are so gonna get it..." Maria started and then stopped. "I'm sorry, I forgot."
Duo frowned and hugged her hard. "It's not forever, just so that things can get straightened out. And we'd have to split for a while anyways, Jackass is going to find out. 'Neesan's got to tell him and he's got to figure out that T-chan's harmless, which is gonna take a while with him. He's a little slow that way. Plus she's got to get permission to chase after the other two, because Howard doesn't seem like much of a threat, they haven't caught him before doin' anything illegal or know anything about him."
"That idiot screamed bloody murder when you and Une adopted me," Maria sighed. "The jerk wanted to put me in a private school, read prison/reform school, where he could keep an eye on me."
"I told him that he did that, he wouldn't know where we were and what we were doing. If you were with me, he'd at least have Une watching the both of us. If that didn't happen, he'd never find us." Duo said coldly. "I was going to take care of you because I promised to, and what trouble did he think that you'd get into with me?" Duo rolled his eyes. Okay the first time that he and Jackass met, he seemed like he was still competent. All the World President needed to do was talk with a few people and he would have found out how disinterested he was in wanting to fight again. That he was a basket case who should be living in a padded room, instead of trying to take care of a nine year old.
"A lot." Maria said, giggling. "He actually thought that you were like dangerous or something."
"Only to Relena's waistline." Duo smiled. #Maria...I threatened to kill you when we first met and you still think of me as harmless. I am a trained, ruthless terrorist whose actions put him in power. Jackass has a right to worry about me. About you and definitely about T-chan. We could give him a ton of trouble. Just being who we are.#
"Instead of a story, could you tell me about something that you and T-chan did together during the war? Something G-rated, because I am a young and innocent girl." Maria asked, fluttering her eyelashes at Duo. #Reassure T-chan that he isn't doing something stupid running off with you, a person that...is not all there anymore. I don't think that any of us gave him a good impression of you. I told him that you were a homicidal manic practically. I don't think that he heard anything better from the rest of them. He's not going to want to go to sleep around you at all!#
Duo smiled and shook his head. "Do you mind, T-chan?"
Treize frowned and appeared to think deeply. "Hmmm. Hearing about my past that does not involve anything that was bad. Why did you even ask the question?" #Tell me a story where you laughed, so I can believe that you weren't always the frightened mouse that you are now. Tell me about how I used to be, before I let Miri run my life. Tell me something about us, so that I can believe that we were both sane once.#
Duo shrugged. "Because it is the polite thing to do? I don't want to...."
"I left him. " Treize said quietly. #I don't know if I can stay away, but I want to try. And even if you and I can't go back to the way that we were, maybe we can create something new together.#
"That doesn't mean that you'd stay with me." Duo said softly, forgetting about Maria as he stared into Treize's eyes. He missed those eyes, they were clear, none of the shadows that he had seen in Luxembourg. Almost like it was in the beginning of their relationship. Treize stared back and leaned over to kiss Duo gently on the lips, then put his arms around him, hoping that he didn't hurt him. His back must ache, it hadn't really been long enough for it to heal properly. Miri had wanted to injure Duo, not just mark him like he usually did with Treize.
"I'd like to try." Treize said, breaking the kiss and laying his head on top of Duo's.
"Should I leave?" Maria asked, after a minute of silence. "I can you know. There must be a room around here that they aren't doing it like bunnies...."
"Maria!" Duo exclaimed, embarrassed. She was pushing it. He tried to pull back from Treize, who let go reluctantly, only when the it looked like Duo was going to start fighting him to free himself from his embrace. #Don't push it, Maria. I know you want me to be happy, but you can't push these things. We aren't the same people that we were when we first met. It's not just gonna go 'poof' and things get all better. That only happens in fairy tales and I'm not the princess by a long shot.#
"Can we cuddle?" Treize asked, winking at Maria. He was hurt that Duo didn't want to be held, why shouldn't he take advantage of what Treize was offering him? Or was it just that he didn't want to take advantage of Treize? That he thought that getting a hug from Treize would be the same as what he saw between Treize and Miri that night? Or was he just uncomfortable around Treize now, because of what happened to him? The fact that Treize was one of the few people that knew what had been done to him during those missing weeks. Something that Duo wasn't very sure of at times. Or was it that Duo just didn't like to be touched? Or was it just being touched by certain people? He was very confused, but that wasn't anything new, he had been confused since he left the estate with Duo.
Maria wasn't too sure of what was going on, but she was very willing to throw the two of them together, to see if they still liked each other. She may not have any idea of what was going to happen, but she'd make something happen between the two of them. She had a sneaking suspicion that left to their own devices, the two of them would dance around the issue and never get anything straightened out. And both of them would continue to be miserable. She saw that at dinner, the two of them, one of them looking at the other one, when he thought that the other was busy with someone or something else, trying not to get noticed by anyone else at the table. Everyone noticed anyway, Relena had to kick Iria in the ankle so that she wouldn't say anything, because she had that snide look on her face, the one you get before you make a really cutting remark. She hadn't known what Iria was going to say, but she didn't want to hear it, because things were bad enough with all the tension that was making itself known during that meal.
"Cuddling is the best." Maria commented enthusiastically, winking back. "Its soo nice. And Duo's a really good cuddler."
Duo groaned. "Subtle Maria." #I feel really weird already, running off with him, don't make him think that he's gonna have to trade his body for the privilege of hiding with a crazy person.#
Treize chuckled as he crawled on the other side of Duo, Maria moving over to make room for him. Duo looked a little disturbed that he was trapped between the two of them, then mentally shrugged. He wasn't going to make a scene. Treize wasn't being subtle either. Was this a vision of the future, him getting ganged up on by the two of them? He could live with it, actually he'd wallow in it if he could, but he wasn't going to hope that it came true, because he didn't deserve that happiness. Not with Howard chasing after him. Not with what he had done.
"Doing it like bunnies?" Treize scolded her gently. "Such language from you young lady."
"Well..." Maria started, trying to look guilty, but failing. She smirked instead. "Its not my fault that most of the people around here are relieving stress with sex."
"You just don't mention it." Duo said, shaking his head, T-chan was gonna think that he was not taking care of Maria right. Raising her to be a good person. "That's how it works. Adults call it discretion."
"That sounds boring." Maria protested. "And didn't you try and bring me up with an open mind?"
"An open mind, not a flapping mouth!" Duo protested. "Besides, mention that to the wrong person and I will be in trouble. They're gonna think that I corrupted you. And the amount of crap that would get generated by that information. The odds that all the pilots that flew a Gundam, OZ and Colonial were homosexual. Their gonna blame the Gundams I know."
Maria giggled. "Wow! Terrorism and piloting a Gundam turns you gay. What a psych paper that would be!"
Duo groaned and then laughed. "I am not going there!"
Treize frowned. "I don't know if it could be done...it's a very small group. No control group, would make the theory difficult to prove. And do I count? I am not a terrorist." He was falling into the spirit of teasing Duo with Maria. He liked to hear Duo laugh, it seemed so infrequent.
Maria giggled. "I don't have to. I just can bang out a book, fill it with some really neat looking pie charts, graphs and what not from made up statistics and bingo! I have a best seller. Under a pseudonym, of course. And you always will count!"
"No! No! No! you are not writing that." Duo said firmly.
"As much as this argument is interesting, I want a story from Duo." Treize said, "And some little girl should go to sleep if she are going to be cranky because she is tired. Do you want to be cranky?"
Maria shook her head. "Nope, don't want to be cranky. So spill it, Duo. Tell us something nice."
Duo shrugged and then winced a little, the numbing part of the salve was finally wearing off. Treize and Maria both frowned at him.
"You need another application of that stuff that Iria put on you?" Maria asked with a concern.
"I can take care of it later." Duo said.
"I'm willing to help you put it on." Treize offered, "Its no bother." #Don't say no Duo, admit that you need some help.#
"Maybe" was all Duo would say.
Maria resisted rolling her eyes and sighing. Duo was such a pain at times! "Happy story time?" she prodded, may be he'd let someone help him if she distracted him enough.
"Happy story time." Duo replied, leaning over to kiss her on the nose. "I met with T-chan in Boston. It was gonna be sort of some time alone for us, with a little work on the side. He got to meet with a bunch of military types and I was stealing some info for the cause. Mornings were busy for the both of us, but we had the evenings." Duo smiled faintly. "I'm not telling you about most of those because this is supposed to be suitable for young ears."
"Spoil sport!" Maria muttered. She was secretly please that Duo was a lot more there, in spirit, then she had seen him in a while. In pain or not, he looked happier then she had seen since they met. It was in his eyes, that was how you could tell how Duo was most days. On a bad day, they were flat and lifeless. On a good day, they were sad. Now they were...happy and animated. Not flat. Softer, remembering the good times and happy that T-chan was alive. Now if she could only get the two of them together.... She wanted to see the two of them happy. Even if T-chan seemed more confused then anything. She bet that things hadn't moved this fast on him in ages. And he was getting overloaded with information about who he had been.
"The last day that we spent together, was with Une and we went to a museum. It was the summer house of some famous lady, nothing had been moved or rearranged really since she died, because that was what her will said that they had to do. All the paintings and stuff, it was a museum that was like it was when it first opened, almost preserved under glass. We spent the morning there. You and Une were explaining the paintings and the sculpture to me. Who had done them, why they were important. Why this place was famous. Art appreciation was not covered in my terrorist training."
Treize shook his head. "That is a shame...one never knows when one has to worry about the artistic way of destroying a military objective."
Maria giggled and Duo laughed softly. At least T-chan's sense of humor hadn't been taken from him. Mirialdo wasn't that much of a bastard.
"It was nice. You and Une really enjoyed it. And it was about the only time that I saw you argue in public. Most of the time, she murmured 'yes Treize-sama', like she hadn't an opinion about anything, but you two did most of your plotting behind closed doors. You were both in civies, a lot of people thought that it was nice that you were dragging your girlfriend's little brother along on your 'date'." Duo explained.
Treize frowned. "They thought that Une and I were together?"
Duo shook his head. "Boston is old time conservative. They wouldn't take too kindly to someone your age messing with someone my age. So we played it down. No PDA. And you and Une...if it wasn't for the fact you had the sexual chemistry of a newt with each other, you had the married couple ESP routine down pat. It was eerie at times. And...I did feel sorry for you...surrounded by psychos, me and 'Neechan."
"Does the age difference bother you Duo?" Treize asked suddenly.
Duo frowned and shook his head. After a couple of false starts, hemming and hawing, all the while fooling with the sheets he looked up, "I don't know how old I am. It could be a ten year age difference or I could be as old as Une and the difference wouldn't be that bad, but for me, age is just a number. One that I really don't know."
Treize nodded at that information and asked, "After the museum, where did we go?" #How bad was it growing up for you, if you don't have something as basic as a birth date. Why was it so horrible, what happened to make you suffer that way?#
Duo's face brightened and sat up straighter, glad in the change of topic. "Lunch! It was this great place that served wonderful food in one of the ethnic sections, Boston's filled with them. A little Italian hole in the wall place that had coffee so strong that you could walk in it. After stuffing ourselves, we finished off lunch with coffee and assorted desserts. I ate most of them, I really made a pig of myself that day." He chuckled at the memory. He had wanted to try all of them, because he didn't know if he'd get the chance another time. T-chan had understood and hadn't given him a hard time. Une just spent most of the time sneaking tastes off of his plate, distracting him with line like 'look up' or 'you aren't seeing this'.
Treize shook his head. Duo hadn't eaten anything at supper. He had spent most of the meal pushing the food that he made around his plate and hoping that no one noticed it. Treize had and Une had. They exchanged glances with each other and then Une shrugged, explaining silently that she had no control of Duo's eating habits or she would have made sure that he ate a long time ago. Treize could almost read the worry underneath her calm exterior for Duo. Maybe they did have the ESP thing down. No one else seemed to notice Une's worrying about Duo, except Relena, who just rolled her eyes at the two of them, then smiled. Treize noticed that she liked him and was glad to see him at least. Unlike the others who seemed uncomfortable with him. Was it because he used to be their enemy or was it the fact that he allowed Miri to manipulate him the way that he did? Or they just didn't know how to react to everything that had been happening. That they felt as lost as he did? Or were their memories of what had happened bothering them?
Duo had left early and spent the rest of the evening washing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen, avoiding the rest of the pilots. Quatre had herded the rest of them into the living room, trying to keep them occupied and social. It hadn't really worked, Relena managed to corner Wufei and Heero at last and dragged them off someplace. None of them were seen for the rest of the evening. Duo had snuck in sometime after puttering around the kitchen, just appearing in the back of the room sometime during the evening. Treize hadn't seen him come into the room at all. Duo hadn't even tried to be part of the faltering conversations, he seemed just content to observe them all, looking in from the outside.
Duo smiled and unconsciously snuggled closer to Treize, ignoring the twinges of pain that it caused. "To work off all the pastries I inhaled, we went to the beach. None of us had suits, but we waded in the water. You and I tried to make a sandcastle with a couple of kids and generally the three of us acted like we hadn't a care in the world. Things cooperated with us for once, because no one beeped us or anything. We were both so tired that night... we just curled around each other and slept. The next day it was back to reality, we all had to leave, I gave 'Neechan, that's my nickname for Une, some chocolates and asked her to take care of you."
Treize smiled and put his arms around Duo, hoping that he wouldn't make a fuss in front of Maria about that. But he started it with the snuggling. "That sounds nice. Anything else that we did together that you could mention in front of my innocent daughter?"
Duo smiled down at Maria, his eyes thoughtful. "One night on the same vacation, we managed to sneak out and go to the ballet. I snagged tickets that day, while you were with some idiot arguing about building a huge space ship. They thought that it would be just the thing to keep the colonies in line. It turned out to be a disaster, but that is another story. #The Libra. I don't want to remember that now!# You were so tense. Happy though we were going out, because you didn't want to think about work anymore and you couldn't dump it on me, because I would have to tell the Mad Five about it, if they asked. Une explained it to me later once. How much that night out saved you from shooting that idiot. When it turned out to be the mistake that you thought it was...the idiot was on the ship when it was high jacked. He didn't survive the experience." Duo finished sadly. "The ship that you didn't want them to build got taken over by White Fang, a radical colonial militant group."
Duo shivered. "The Mad Five and Mirialdo went to work with them, after White Fang recruited both of them. I don't know what they promised the scientists, but the Mad Five would work for anyone if it would support their research. Whatever it was at the time. They were researching a bunch of different things, now that they managed to get Operation Meteor off the drawing board. Then...then, the Libra was used to threaten Earth and I had to go rescue Relena, because she went to try and talk her brother out of what he was doing on that damned ship. He didn't listen to her though. And...." Duo's voice trailed off and he shivered again.
"I'm sorry. I need to be alone," he whispered, climbed out of the bed and made a dash to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
Treize got up to follow him, stopped only by Maria grabbing his arm. "Don't" she said softly. "It's not going to help him, he'll get himself under control, by himself. He won't cry in front of people, because it's a sign of weakness that you never showed anyone on the street. "
"But..." Treize looked down at Maria, upset that her eyes looked so old, so sad.
"Duo spent hours on that ship, alone with Relena's brother. And they are the only two that knows what happened in that room. But torture was part of it." Maria said, her eyes old. "Then, he's trying to get over it, get 'normal' and he bumps into him again. He thought that Zechs, Mirialdo, whatever that nut wants to call himself, was dead. He wasn't and Duo...had to remember all over again. Not that it wasn't far from his thoughts to begin with. Most of his nightmares are from what he's done, the battles and other things that happened to him. They wake him up. But sometimes they're just reruns of his time on the Libra. And then he wakes up screaming."
"He's so ashamed of what he looks like, undressed." Treize said quietly. "I saw it that night...."
Maria looked at him and frowned. "You saw him naked?" That wasn't a good thing, not with T-chan's reaction to it. Something odd must have been going on.
Treize blushed, he didn't think that this was something that should be discussed with a nine year old, no matter how 'adult' she acted. Especially his own daughter. Duo and Une were going to think that he wasn't going to be a good parent if they heard this conversation!
Maria saw him blush and rolled her eyes towards the ceiling, preying for patience. Adults. Like they all thought she hadn't figured out where babies came from. And other such interesting facts of life. How stupid did they think she was? She was nine. She talked to other kids, she read things, she had figured out that naked and adults and sex was something that happened. Sometimes it was good and sometimes it was bad. "I take it you weren't really dressed either?"
"I don't think that we should discuss this." Treize said firmly. #I refuse to discuss this with you. You are never going to find out what happened to me during those missing two years. I'm too ashamed to tell you of them.#
"Why is it that everyone does that to Duo?" Maria asked curiously. "Is it something about him or what?"
"Excuse me?" Treize asked, totally confused. What was she talking about?
"I think that's what Heero and Wufei thought that Duo was interested in that too, with them, when he asked them to go to London with him. Heero mentioned it earlier today, when he thought that I was asleep." Maria said. "But...he isn't really interested. Not now."
"I don't understand." Treize said, confused. Was that what Duo and Heero had been talking about when Heero said that they had seen Duo? And Duo had run from that, from them, to spend the next few weeks being used by Howard? Along with any other problems that he might be having, Duo was most likely upset that he had run from one set of unwelcome advances to be caught be another person, who went a lot further with Duo then he should have. No wonder he said that his bolting showed how stupid he was.
Duo chose to walk out of the bathroom at that time, cutting off their conversation. "I'm sorry, still a little freaky about certain things. And the Libra wasn't one of the shining moments in my life." #Not that there were many of them.#
Treize shrugged. "I understand. Miri...is someone that needs help more then either one us does. And there were a lot of times that I wanted to hide in the bathroom to pull myself together. And I couldn't."
Duo nodded silently and stood looking at the two of them in bed. They looked good together. A nice, normal father daughter pair, that had been having some sort of discussion about him that they cut off suddenly, probably wasn't anything nice. "We had fun...that week." His voice was subdued.
"Sounds like it," Treize agreed with him. "I wish...I wish I could remember it." He added wistfully. He hated not knowing anything, hoping that something would trigger his memory, so that he wouldn't feel so lost, so out of place.
Duo shrugged. "I just wish that we could have had more weeks like that. Never really had a lot of time together outside that. Stolen nights mostly. But its over...and it's never coming back again. Nothing is going to be the same."
He turned and went out the door. "I just got to take a walk. Could you finish tucking Maria into bed? I'm sorry Maria...I gotta...."
Duo walked out the door at that line, trying not to run. He needed to be alone again, just for a little while, to get himself together. To try and not scream. He had been washing his face, trying to pull himself together so that T-chan didn't think that he was a complete idiot and have him run back to the sicko, just staring at those damned earrings when he finally noticed the color. He had avoided looking at them before this, but something about them just caught his eye.
They were black.
Not just black, but the shimmery metallic black of his Shinigami. Duo checked his bracelets and the navel ring, hoping that he was mistaken, that he was wrong, that this wasn't happening to him. But they matched. They were all the same color and it wasn't a trick of the light or his imagination-that bastard Howard had marked and mutilated him with his own Gundam!
Duo ran down the stairs, just wanting to be alone. He snorted. There was a time that he would have done anything to be with another person, just so that he knew that there was someone in the Universe other than himself. Now, he's got all the people that are alive and that matter to him under one roof and he just wanted to have them leave him alone and stop fussing over him. It was too late for him now, he had given up on any thought of comfort from most of them.
He made it down to the first floor wondering were he could go next when he felt someone behind him. He was in no mood to be followed this time and as the person behind him touched him on the shoulder, Duo grabbed his hand and flipped him over his shoulder. It had to be a him, Une and Relena knew better then to sneak up behind him. Duo followed through, then pulled the punch and looked at Quatre, who had landed in front of him.
"Don't touch me." Duo whispered. "I got out of the habit of enjoying it a long time ago."
"Duo?" Quatre squeaked, wondering what the hell was wrong with him. He had been quiet at dinner and avoided them for the rest of the evening. If it wasn't for the fact that he wanted to spend time with Maria, Quatre thought Duo would have spent the evening in the kitchen, away from the rest of them. Iria being here hadn't helped, she had been giving all the pilots a cold shoulder until Une had just looked at her and Iria decided suddenly that she had a headache and she was going to retire for the night. Quatre didn't expect Duo to be the life of the party that he had been during the war, the short visit that they had before the Barton Rebellion showed him that, but he didn't think that he would be that anti-social. Or that Duo would attack anyone that came up behind him, but considering that he just had been kidnapped and had just barely escaped, it probably wasn't a smart move on his part to have done that, he should know better from living with the other pilots. Besides the fact that Duo was a trained killer. And Quatre knew that he had been a few centimeters away from being killed a minute ago. And that cold look in Duo's eyes, when had that happened? It like the frail, sad Duo had been replace by a killer, in just a second, by some weird on/off switch.
"There was a time that I would have done almost anything to have heard another voice, been touched by someone else, to know that there was another person in the Universe but I got used to the aloneness and the silence. It only took a couple of weeks," Duo said calmly, stepping away from Quatre. "The rest of the time, it was almost easy, that aloneness and the silence that you could cut with a knife, after I realized that there wouldn't be any one that I could talk to until it ended."
"Until what ended?" Quatre asked. He thought he knew the answer, but he just had to hear it from Duo. Was it just this afternoon he told Treize that he had done nothing but hurt Duo? What did he mean by the silence, he had visited enough of the Winner satellites, filled with his sisters for that reason, so he wouldn't be that alone. Quatre knew that it would have been hard enough for Duo to do all those ambushes, just waiting without those visits. So what in the name of Allah was Duo talking about that there was no one to talk to?
"The war. I knew that it was close to ending when you finally let me go back to you." Duo continued in the same odd, detached voice. "I just wanted it to end and get back to being with T-chan, that was the thing that kept me going the most...there were days when I wondered if any of you would have noticed that I was gone...if I just decided to drift away...if I stopped killing for you."
"Are you all right now?" Quatre asked, scrambling up from the floor.
Duo laughed a little, one that had an edge of hysteria in it. "No...haven't been for a while. But I'm going to take a walk. You don't have to bother with the shadow...I'm not going to steal the silverware." Duo turned and walked away, flirting from shadow to shadow in the corridor, skulking. Hiding from the light or the rest of the pilots.
Quatre looked at after him in frustration. "What do you mean, the shadow?"
Duo turned back and looked at him. "I always thought that was the worst of it...all these people around me, but no one was willing to talk to me. But they watched me to make sure that I wasn't going to do anything bad to them or steal something. You managed to really hit me where it hurts. How long had you thought about it? Was that your plan in Boston, after you saw how glad, how grateful I was to see a friendly face, someone that I knew? Someone that I wanted to talk to. Or was it something the spur of the moment, to remind me that I shouldn't have enjoyed T-chan, that he was the enemy, that I was a kid that was from the wrong side of something and didn't deserve anything nice." Duo continued in a hollow whisper, "And T-chan was nice to me. More then I deserved."
"Duo...I never...I thought..." Quatre started brokenly. "I knew that you would be lonely, but I had hoped that my sisters could have given you some company, that's why I scheduled all those stops for you, scheduled things the way that I did. I didn't know that they never talked to you until now, until you told me. No one told me before!"
"Its over and done with Quatre, but...I wonder if you really know how cruel it would be...how empty space can make you...you can be proud of yourself...it was something that rivaled what Mirialdo would do. You started it when you sent me out there in the first place. Heero was more honest about it all along, he did tell me up front that he didn't trust me, not like you." Duo said softly, before resuming his walk.
"Duo!" Quatre called, what was he talking about? He hadn't really trusted him, but he didn't want to hurt him. He ran up beside Duo, making sure that he stayed out of arms reach. He didn't want to look like a threat. "Could you explain yourself to me? What did I do wrong back then?"
Duo stopped and looked at him. "Now is not the time for this. I...I" Duo bit his lip, struggling to control himself. If he let any of it go, all of it would come out. And they would be dragging him away in a nice white jacket with the extra long sleeves. He took a deep breath and shoved it all aside. Some day he wasn't going to be able to do that anymore and he would just lose it as everything that he shoved aside, the things that came back to haunt him, tumbled out and everyone heard them. So he'd unburden himself a little now, before he was reduced to babbling everything, because he knew that he wouldn't stop and he'd end up locked up someplace. "No one on any of the Winner stations that I stopped at would talk to me. NO ONE! They all would scurry away before I could talk to them and someone would follow me about, but they were always silent. #The first time that that had happened, I just stared after her, like I was an idiot. I felt like one, I wanted to hear someone else's voice and no one would speak to me. I wondered then if I had finally had gone insane or just deaf.# I got used to it after a while, I learned not to need or want human contact, like our controllers had tried to train into us from the beginning. I had my hopes, my Gundam and my memories, they were enough for me. I endured and survived. I'm very good at that. That's how I survived the plagues, whoring on L2 and pilot training. I survived it all. I'll survive this bit of trouble too."
"You told me that all my sisters were fine... that they said 'Hi' and..." Quatre whispered in astonishment. #No wonder you changed, you were alone for so long, listening to the silence. Not seeing anyone for days...weeks towards the end, when you dragged out those visits until you couldn't avoid making them for supplies, because you didn't want to stay, because it wasn't much different from being in space, you were still alone. It hurt more because you knew that there were people there, but that they didn't want to talk to you. I imagined that it had been hard, and that you had gotten odder, but I didn't think that you had been this...lonely. And you used to love being part of the crowd, being with people. You needed them then, because that was the way that you were, no matter what they tried to train into us.#
Duo cut in coldly. "I lied, because the truth wasn't worth it anymore. What was I going to say, that I was so alone out there that I almost went insane? That I might have gone insane? That the only thing that I could think of was being back in my lover's arms and hoping that I wasn't too badly damaged by my experiences, that I could have a relationship with him still. You showed me that you didn't care enough to help me. So I showed you that I didn't need your help. And you believed it because I hadn't lied to any of you before, I just made sure that I was too busy for you to ask me about anything. But I can't believe that no one ever told you about it since the war ended."
"Duo...I didn't know." Quatre whispered, tears forming in his eyes. "No one told me anything about my family during that time, because I had to deal with Heero and the ZERO system."
"I don't care now." Duo said rudely. "I called you for help because I knew that I could count on you because of your guilt. Or at least Heero's and Wufei's guilt. The fact that they didn't know the word no."
"They didn't!" Quatre said horrified. #We just wanted you to be loved, to feel good again. We thought that it would help, that you would enjoy it. They didn't want to hurt you! We hoped that you would join us, stop mourning Treize, but I see that you weren't really mourning him, you were just trying to hang onto your sanity by a thread.#
Duo stared up at him. "They almost did. I would have survived it, it wasn't like it hadn't been the first time that someone had raped me. Or that I was gang raped. But I doubt that I would have ever forgiven them for it. I think if it wasn't for the fact that I got T-chan away from that sicko, I wouldn't forgive them. Because I lost a lot more then I gained in this time."
"Duo?" Quatre was beginning to feel like a broken CD or a parrot in this conversation. And Duo looked so bad, so hurt behind the coldness. More like the pilot that he had met in the desert than he had in a while, but Duo was hiding his hurt behind a mask of coldness, rather then the laughter that he first used.
"How would you like to know that the bastard that put a collar on you, like you were going to be his pet or his toy, had made it out of pieces of Deathscythe? That he kept you so stoned that he was able to mutilate you, so that he could show you or anyone else that he owned your body, then he wanted to break you, so that he could own your soul? That you would be his... always...because he enforced his 'claim' on you in a way that you can't get rid of. No matter how fast or how far you ran, every time you looked at yourself, you'd see that someone had gotten to you, did things that you couldn't ignore or hide from other people because you can't rip them out without really hurting yourself. I thought about it though."
Duo unbuttoned his shirt and shrugged out of it, thrusting an arm in front of Quatre's eyes. "Pretty isn't it? A nice design, the bracelets also work as handcuffs, Howard showed me that one night, when I fought back about something. He laughed at me, at my struggles, because it amused him! I'd show you the rest of it, but I'm not dropping my pants, I don't have to anymore."
Quatre stared numbly at the bruises and cuts on Duo's wrists, below the bracelets. The other bruises that were on his chest and stomach, the scars that seemed to be most of his skin. How thin he was. Duo followed where he was staring at and laughed shortly. "Those are all from Mirialdo ...he had me cuffed to the bed while he beat and raped me. While he abused T-chan, because he was drunk and it didn't go like he planned. That T-chan was actually kind the little 'toy' that he was handed for the night and I enjoyed him. I guess we wasn't supposed to, not that I thought that he would touch me that way, I look like shit and Mirialdo still is beautiful looking."
"I...I..." Quatre stuttered. How bad had those missing weeks been for Duo? What had the months been like for Treize? How bad was Epyon, that the three people that had used it seemed to be damaged beyond repair, either by the effects of the machine or their own problems. Pieces of Deathscythe...did that mean that everything that was on Duo had been part of his Gundam at one time? How long had Howard wanted Duo? And would they be able to get any of it off him any time soon? And what else had been pierced if Duo had to undress to show him?
"Not covered under things that you've experience before? Or wanted to?" Duo mocked Quatre, looking at the growing horror in the other man's eyes. "You and Iria should get out more, realize that there are a lot of things that you don't know about. Like how someone can still think that you can own another person. That there are people out there, who get off on your pain and enjoy seeing you cry." Duo's voice lost the mocking tone to it and became cold, "That there is only so much that you can survive before you think that it isn't worth it. I'm sick of the pain, Quatre. I want to be able to like myself again."
"Duo...I never knew...I thought that I was helping you...that they had been civil to you, at least." Quatre tried to explain, to make sense of everything that Duo was telling him. Everything that Trowa and the rest hid from him at that time. The price that Duo had paid for peace. That he paid for falling in love.
"I told you that was over Quatre, you can't go back in time and make it better, it doesn't work that way. Iria tried to earlier and I told her almost the same thing. Drop it."
"I didn't know...I thought it was just another lie from the ZERO System." Quatre whispered. #Maybe I am the animal that I thought that I was under its influence, what it taunted me with, the short time that I was under its effects. No one that claims any drop of kindness or humanity would have sent Duo out there all alone in the dark, with just his Gundam and his thoughts, for any length of time, no matter what the excuse. Not a thing that would keep you sane, not with Duo's history. Any of our histories.#
Duo shook his head. "I told you to drop it. The damage is done. What I need from you now is a way off of the Earth to one of the colonies. I hate asking this of you, because I don't want to owe you, but I can't work fast enough to get me and T-chan out of here before...something bad will happen. I don't know what, but my instincts are telling me to run and I'm going to run as far and as fast as I can with him. I rely on my instincts a lot...the emptiness helped hone them, with no distractions to confuse you."
"I can get you off planet in one of the Winner transports, you won't be tracked by customs that way, that's the least that I can do for you. I guess I wasn't as helpful as I thought I was earlier." Quatre said numbly. #No distractions. No laughter, no happiness. Nothing that would help you recover from being that dead eyed person in the kitchen that morning, after Wufei dragged you back because he found you in the arms of your lover, whom we had standing orders to kill. You tried to hide it in Boston, it was still there, but you were trying to bounce back. And after Luxembourg and Epyon, I should have never let you go any place alone, but I didn't trust you. You loved Khushrenada too deeply to not have it conflict with your duty to the colonies and us. So I sent you away. But did I also send you away because you reminded me that what we were doing wasn't always a noble endeavor, if it ever was? That we were working for people that would do anything to win, even though the victory would be hollow. It was hollow for you. For me... the war was something that I really didn't think about during the day. At night those thoughts would torment me and they only thing that stopped them was Trowa. And after he was gone, Heero. He came to me for help and he ended up helping me more then he realized. But you stayed alone, either because there was no one for you or the fact that you couldn't stand to be near people after being alone for so long.#
"I didn't know if it was your orders or someone else's. It doesn't matter now to me. Anyplace that you can get me and T-chan to, I can hide us. Not like I was ever real." Duo replied tonelessly. #T-chan was one of the few people that thought that I was real, that saw beyond the mask and the blood to the real Duo. And he doesn't remember me. I wonder...it this all a bad dream, like I used to hope when it got too much? Too much blood...too much emptiness. Is this something that I'm dreaming of, in a comfy, normal home in suburbia? That I am good. That I am innocent. That I never was bad or did bad things. Or is that too much to hope for? That I can wake up from this and I'll be sane.#
"Heero said that you had a couple of different IDs for yourself. And Treize." Quatre said, turning to leave Duo alone. He needed to talk to Trowa or Heero or anyone. And Duo definitely did not want to talk to him. "You don't owe me for anything. I thought that it had been bad, but I didn't realize how bad and then things just got so involved afterwards for me." #I made them involved so that I would think about the terrible things that I did. You were at the top of the list most of the time.#
"Nice to know that...families do keep you busy. I just want to keep mine safe." Duo said coldly. "Because Relena shouldn't find out how crazy her brother is. Maria shouldn't have to know that there are people that would hurt her for fun, they both have had enough problems in their lives."
"Damn it Duo! I didn't know! I didn't know isn't an excuse that I should use, but with ZERO and everything else that was happening...I lost touch with you. Not that you ever tried. Did you ever think that I would have wanted to know what was happening with you?" Quatre shouted at him, completely out of sorts. What was wrong with him! He was safe and they were trying to help him now.
"You gave me my orders. That was it. Nothing extra that would ever show me or tell me that you still cared." Duo hissed back at him. "I followed them, because I thought that I would get forgiven someday because I showed you that I knew how to behave, be a good boy. That I could be trusted again, because I never told you everything, that I was sneaking around behind your back to visit the enemy, even if it was under orders. But that never happened. I killed for you and I came to heel when you called, but you never fucking showed me you cared about me until I didn't care about anything any more!" Duo took a deep breath to control himself. "I better take that walk now, because I am about to lose control. And I don't want that to happen. I have a sneaking suspicion that I was out of control for the time that I was gone and I got to get it back. I can't afford any mistakes now. Too much is at stake."
"Did you ever think that that was your problem that you were in control too much!" Quatre shouted at Duo.
"I was never in control!" Duo shouted back. "I went where they told me, did what I did because if I didn't it would have been you or Wufei! Do you think that you could have done it Quatre?" Duo's voice got low and seductive. "Could you have done this?"
Duo smiled, a sultry smile that was all heat and promises. A smile that promised everything and nothing. Duo sauntered up to Quatre and slowly trailed his hand across his face and down his chest to lightly brush over his groin, smiling the entire time, seducing Quatre with his body, but not his eyes. They were cold, dead and professional. The eyes of someone that had seen too much and had stopped reacting to anything. Quatre gasped involuntarily at Duo's light brush against him. it felt good. Duo moved in closer and molded his body against Quatre's, his hands ghosting up his back, trapping Quatre with his stare. Quatre stopped breathing as Duo leaned up getting onto his toes to kiss him easier. Quatre was oddly disappointed that Duo didn't kiss him, but went past his cheek to whisper in his ear, after making an odd gesture in his hair.
"And now...you shoot your victim. Sometimes I went a little further. Teased a bit more. Or used poison or a knife. You'd be amazed what I can hide in my hair. How close they let you get when you're naked in a cheap hotel room. But the end result was the same, the guy died. I was doin' one a week at least. Sometimes more, depending on what they needed. How they wanted to punish me. Even did a couple of public shootings. Just walked up and plugged the victim. No real planning, except to make sure that I knew where the exits were."
"Duo...why?" Quatre whispered back, oddly disturbed by this embrace. They were so close, Duo could feel Quatre's reaction to his attempted seduction. That Duo had done something with himself and Quatre felt that he wanted Duo no matter what. And even though he held Duo in his arms, the man was not here, that he was a million klicks away, mentally. Then who was this person that was all heat and promises? Another mask, like the happy smiling boy that he had been?
"For the colonies...for the doctors...for no reason at all except...I was following orders." Duo smiled the same sultry smile at Quatre and then stepped back, going back to retrieve his shirt and put it on, buttoning it up. Hiding his scars. Hiding himself. Turning off whatever had made him so desirable. "I was told that if I didn't kill these people, it would have been either you or Wufei. And I knew that neither one of you was tough enough to do that."
"We would have done anything to free the colonies." Quatre said quietly.
Duo laughed. He wasn't sexy anymore, he had turned back into the cold, hurt man that Quatre had started this discussion with. "But neither of you ever had to plaster a smile on his face and peddled his ass on the streets so that he could eat that night. Or traded a blowjob or a freebie to the Feddies so that you wouldn't get sent to lock up, so that you could keep some of the money that you earned that night whoring, so you didn't go home to a bunch of hungry kids that were depending on you for something to eat, because pickings were a bit thin that week. I had. I was a very competent whore Quatre, for a very long time, because I had to be, because it kept a lot of kids fed and they didn't have to be the ones bent over the car in the dark with some weirdo. Killing someone that was trying to fuck me was a bonus in the beginning. Until I got so very tired of it all. You guys never noticed, but then...why should have you? I never let you get that close." Duo walked back up to Quatre and stared him straight in the eye. "And could either one of you gone back to you lover covered in blood, not the honest blood of a battle, but from skulking and sneaking?"
Quatre opened his mouth and then closed it again. He didn't know. He was tempted to say that he could of, but seeing the bitterness in Duo's eyes, he didn't think so.
"I know your answer. Good of you not to lie to yourself. It never works, but you know that too." Duo laughed bitterly, resuming his dance with the shadows, calling back over his shoulder. "Just leave me alone. My temper isn't the best and I think that I wounded you enough with what I told you tonight. Go back to the comfort of your lover. Your lovers." Duo's voice dropped and in a raw, soft tone he said, "They are more precious then you realize, until you lose them."
Quatre realized that he had lost this odd conversational argument and turned to go back to his and Trowa's room. He was surprised to see Heero standing quietly behind him in the shadows. "How much of it did you hear?" Quatre asked, embarrassed about what had happened. He felt like he had been a poor host. That he had failed Duo again somehow.
"Enough."
"That covers a lot," Quatre said quietly, wanting to hug Heero and have the other man make it all better, some how. Fix Duo. Fix Treize, stop time and go back so that he didn't do what he just found out he did to someone that he thought of as a friend.
"It's true though." Heero continued calmly, "You could have never done it. You were too innocent. Wufei was too fragile. Trowa and I, we were both numb to it by then, it should have been us."
"Duo said...that you didn't understand the word no." Quatre asked, hoping that it was a lie. Trying to change the conversation. Duo lied once to him, he might have done it again. To cause trouble, to have someone else hurt instead of him.
"We didn't." Heero didn't even try to hide what he had done, he and Wufei had screwed up royally. Relena had informed him of that in excruciating detail during her little lecture to them. It still rang in his head. He couldn't even be angry with her for that lecture, because he had deserved it. He had been stupid and failed to really understand what Duo had been going through. "We didn't even give him a chance to say no. Just grabbed him off the sofa where he had fallen asleep again, after having a nightmare that he woke up screaming from and dragged him into our bed. He woke up and tried to get away, but Wufei convinced him that he wanted to stay, by holding him there. Then we started with him again. We ignored his protests, we didn't let him even try to finish them and...if it wasn't for the fact that he just went limp on us, accepting whatever we were going to do to him, I don't know if we would have stopped, until it was too late. He must have been so frightened." Heero finished softly.
"When did it go wrong, when did we stop being a team? When did it break beyond repair?" Quatre asked sadly, as Heero shooed him upstairs to sleep.
The mood that Duo was in tonight showed that it was bad, Heero decided. And from that conversation Duo had just realized where those things on his body came from. They, he and Trowa would talk with him in the morning. Now wasn't a good time. Heero was just going to make sure that Quatre got to his room and tell Maria and Treize not to expect Duo back anytime soon. He probably was going to spend half the night wandering the house, exhausting himself enough to sleep. Or staying awake because he didn't trust them.
Heero placed a gentle kiss on Quatre's forehead before sending him in to sleep with Trowa. Trowa would help Quatre sleep better then any of them tonight. And he might be able to explain things to Quatre. Trowa had bad times too and he also had a few secrets about Duo that he could explain to the gentle blonde. Heero had a sneaking suspicion that Trowa had not mentioned a lot of his conversation with Duo on the day that he left them. Trowa hid many secrets very well behind his calm façade.
Heero turned to go to Duo's room to tell the other two that Duo wasn't coming back any time soon. He sighed. He wondered if sending the two of them off to L3 together, alone was such a good idea. Treize wasn't too sure of himself, even though he was trying to hide it and Duo...Duo was something. But the two of them alone could either be a disaster or they would learn to love each other again. The light in the hallway hadn't been very good, even with his eyesight, but Heero had seen enough. He understood now why Duo had spent the first few days huddled underneath that blanket, not willing to show them the changes that had happened to his body. Asking Heero about the earring must have been hard enough. He couldn't understand what the attraction was with putting jewelry in odd parts of your body. That Howard did it do Duo and he couldn't get them off was even more confusing. Howard would have gotten a lot further with Duo if he had just been nice to him, instead of keeping him drugged for those weeks. Duo just needed to be loved, without any games or strings. With hope that it would last beyond the night or the next day. Hope that he didn't get with himself and Wufei. Treize might be able to still give him that, but Heero didn't know, the man seemed more lost than Duo was.
His musings stopped when he found himself outside Duo's door and knocked quietly. Treize answered the door and frowned when he saw it was Heero. "Duo's not here. And Maria is asleep."
"I don't expect him to be back to his room for a while. He and Quatre just had a very intense discussion." Heero replied. "He'll be wandering for a while. Just wanted to tell you that."
"I hope that it wasn't what we were talking about that upset him?" Treize asked worriedly.
"What were you talking about?" Heero asked. #No I am not being nosy, I just need that information, to deal with what's going on!#
"Duo was telling Maria and I about a vacation that he and I went on in Boston. Maria asked for a story that had the two of us together, having fun. Maria and I, I think we might have been a bit overwhelming for him. We did bully him a little."
Heero shook his head. "I think that he might have enjoyed that, but I am a rotten judge of situations. He just ran into Quatre on his walk and they exchanged words. It wasn't nice."
"He was talking about the Libra and it upset him. I just wanted to...." Treize sighed. "I wanted to hear about Duo when he wasn't frightened. I didn't know that it would upset him." #I wanted to hear something nice about the two of us. If you looked at us now, you would wonder why we haven't been locked away. Neither one of us is what you would call a responsible person right now. And we are supposed to try and hide from Mirialdo and Howard?#
"I think it was more that Duo finally recognized where all his...I don't even know what to call them...those things that are on his body came from. They used to be part of his Gundam. Howard must have fashioned them all out of scrap from when he repaired DeathScythe. Or when he had it when Duo disappeared."
Treize looked back at Maria to make sure that she was asleep and closed the door behind him. "I think that we need to talk then. I don't know how to deal with Duo. There is so much that I don't know." #But that describes a lot in my life, now.#
Heero sighed and shook his head. "You aren't the only one. But...he loves you. And he wants to keep you safe. He...doesn't expect much more then that. So...don't worry about being alone with him, he won't...." Heero shock his head. "I don't know what to say, really. I don't know Duo any more, if I ever did. Une would be the best person for you to talk to. She would tell you anything that you needed to know about Duo. But...Duo wore a lot of masks when he was with us. I don't know if he wore them after the war with Une and Relena."
"Are you telling me that I should worry about a frightened boy? Do you think that I am that incompetent?" Treize asked wryly. "I know that my actions since the war show that, but...I made the choices that I made with the information that I had."
"Duo isn't a 'boy'. " Heero replied seriously. "I don't think that he ever was one. I know that I wasn't. He fought a war and survived it, none of us expected to. I don't underestimate him because I never know what he is going to do."
"Then why did you do that caused him to run?" Treize asked gently. "Not that I am arguing about the results, #He freed me from Miri, I would have never left on my own.# but what did you do to him that frightened or upset him so much? Maria hinted at it, but I want to hear about it from you."
Heero looked at the ceiling, embarrassed. "It's a long story."
Treize stared at him. "I have time."
"I feel awkward talking about this in the hallway."
"We can go to my room, so we don't wake up Maria." Treize offered politely. "But we will talk about this. I don't want to ruin my second chance with Duo because you were too embarrassed to tell me about your actions. I know that it wasn't nice, but put that aside. You all seem to want to be his friend, just have no idea how to talk him. Because of me and our relationship during the war. And the consequences of his orders." #A relationship that I can't remember, but he is still being punished for by all of you. Even if you don't realize it.#
Heero nodded and started up the hallway to Treize's room. Treize motioned him to walk in when he stopped at the closed door. Heero opened the door and walked into the room, surprised at how painfully neat it was, nothing to show that anyone was using the room . #But he didn't bring much with him, you don't when you are running away. And what did he mean by second chance? He is willing to try again, but then he has seen Duo at his worst, it can only get better for the two of them. We hope.#
"I don't know where to start." Heero said softly. "I guess, it goes back to that morning that Wufei dragged him back to the safe house we were all at, it probably started before that, we just didn't know it. Duo didn't spend a lot of time with us, we found out later why. You can ask him about that. It's his business. But Wufei had found him with you and you seemed to know so much about us, from what you said to Wufei. I thought that he had betrayed us, told you everything that you knew about us. He was a clown, a joker, always trying to cheer you up. I didn't realize that it was just a mask, that he was hiding behind jokes like I hid behind the mission or Wufei his need for justice and dueling with you."
Treize smiled slightly. "Did you ever think that it was odd that Wufei kept trying to kill me? That he never succeeded, when all he needed to do was shoot me? None of this fighting with swords."
"Wufei needed to fight you because it was about the only honorable part of the war for him. I think he was also trying to avenge me, for the trick at New Edwards, because he hated some of the things that he did."
"The barracks...Maria mentioned that. She said that he was nice to her when he was with Dekim Barton." Treize murmured.
Heero nodded. "I understood his need to fight duels with you, even though it was terribly impractical at times, to my way of thinking. But...you let the one you love do what they need to do. I think that you understood that too. Or else Duo wouldn't have come back with Wufei, because Wufei said that you both looked so broken when he took Duo away. But neither of you protested, you both knew that it had to be done. I never understood what Wufei was saying until he left me...but that is another story.
Duo slipped away from us then, what happened afterwards just drove us further apart. I didn't trust him. And I was using the ZERO System in battle. It was the only way that we were 'winning' or at least not losing. Quatre's father had been killed because of his pacifistic ideals. I don't want to even think what would have happened if Quatre had been using the ZERO System then. We got the plans off of you for modifying Wing to use the ZERO System. You built Epyon with the same abilities, you gave us the notes that we needed to modify our Gundams if we needed to. Quatre was amazed at how easy it was. We wondered how you made the breakthrough. I guess that we never will."
"What happened?" Treize asked. He didn't care about the politics or the Gundams, what did they do to Duo? What did he do to Duo?
Heero shrugged. "What didn't happen? Relena fought a political rearguard action that bought us enough time to get in to Space. The Romafellers accepted her as their new symbol of peace and unity, in return they stopped bombing the Sank Kingdom for hiding Pro-Treize forces and Gundam pilots, she bought time for to escape us to escape. We found out that you built that odd Gundam, Epyon. The Mirialdo and the scientists had joined White Fang."
"So it was a busy time?" Treize asked.
"For us it was. For you, you were under house arrest in Luxembourg. That you managed to hide Epyon there was amazing. I think that it still would be there if you didn't bring it out to save those troops. That's when Duo used it. He didn't leave anything standing for miles. Anything that he thought would be a threat, he destroyed. That's how both systems worked. Threat equals enemy equals bad equals kill. That was the payoff for increasing your response time and beating the dolls. I think that was when Duo started to fall apart. The system showed him too much and he claims later that it talked to him, but I don't know if that was real or because he was so alone out there, he would have welcomed any hallucination to keep him company. I didn't have the same reaction to ZERO, but Duo thought that it was because that it was a system and an AI that was built for the Gundam that it went into, not modified like Wing had been. We discussed it once, when we were going out to rescue Relena, during the Barton Rebellion. Duo hadn't been in Shinigami for months. It was at the bottom of the lake he was living next to. He opened it and the smell just hit us...it was disgusting. He had fought the Eve Battle right after being dragged out of the Libra. He had bled through the clothes that he was wearing, soaking the seat in blood and I guess semen. He never said anything, but I think that it got really brutal for him on the Libra, Miri wouldn't stop with just cutting him up like that if he could hurt him more. And rape is a standard torture tactic." Heero looked away for a second, thinking about that time.
"The entire thing smelled like rotting meat. I nearly lost what I had eaten, but it didn't faze Duo at all. But I didn't think that he would survive that battle if he didn't have Maria to take care of after it. We dragged him out of his haven and then abandoned him again." Heero took a deep breath and continued, his eyes distant. "Quatre and I weren't there to help Duo, we were there to get his Gundam to destroy it. I didn't really care about him. I still thought that he had betrayed us with you. I made a half hearted attempt to find him after the Eve Battle, but when Relena told us to stop, I was secretly glad. I had nothing to say to him, even though he managed to help Wufei deal with his grief after he watched his colony explode. We cut him out of our life, like he never existed. I only thought of him again because Quatre wanted to find him, to destroy Shinigami. We found him with Une and Relena's help."
Heero laughed shortly, getting thoughtful for a second, before continuing in a sober tone. "I was attracted to Duo since I met him. I admit that. There was something about him, his hair. How much he seemed to enjoy everything and anything. We spent some time together in the different schools that we were in as roommates. And after I went to live with Quatre, because Wufei was with the Bartons and I can't function on my own, I found that out fast, things got very confusing for me. I didn't have to worry about fighting or OZ or anything really and I couldn't function without that. So I asked Quatre for help. And then Quatre seemed to be attracted to me and wanted to go further than friendship, because Trowa was gone and I was there for him. I didn't want that, I didn't want to ruin their relationship, because I knew that Trowa would eventually settle down with Quatre. Duo seemed like a good alternative, someone that I could use to distract myself, so that Quatre wouldn't be interested in me. And he was alone, no complications. I...gave him, Duo, some indications that I was interested in him. He told me no. We thought that he changed his mind when he asked us to be with him in London. Quatre and Trowa also thought that it would be a good idea. And if he wanted to come back with us, he could have."
Treize stared at Heero in astonishment. "Have you listened to anything that you just said? You practically confessed to me that you planned on using Duo as a substitute for whatever sexual situation you couldn't deal with, with Quatre, even though you didn't like or trust him! Did you ever talk to him at all about this? About living with you and a permanent relationship, not just something for the night because you were curious or bored? If you did...did you listen to him? I'm sitting here right now wondering if I should leave Duo alone with any of you. Quatre, you, Wufei...all of you seemed to have used Duo in some manner. I half expect Duo to walk out of this place tonight." Treize took a breath and looked at Heero coldly. "There doesn't seem to be much difference between the things that you did to Duo and the things that Miri and Howard did to him. They were a little more honest about their treatment of him though. More up front about how they were using him. How much trauma have you all put Duo through? Do you think that he should even trust anything that any of you tell him?"
Heero winced at Treize's tone. Relena had been just as scathing with her assessment of their actions. At least Treize didn't accuse them of thinking with their cocks. "I have no excuses. Wufei and I realized that we had erred in what he wanted from us, before he ran from us, when we put him back in his bed. He whimpered because we touched him again, tucking him back into his bed, trying to comfort him. To apologize for our idiocy. But that failed and he ran out into the street, too afraid or to nervous to stay with us. But you...what kind of person would let a fifteen year old crawl in and out of his bed?"
Treize went still at that question. "I don't know. I don't remember what I was like. But I don't think that I was a very good person. I don't know if I am one now. But Duo still trusts me, which is more then I can say about any of you."
Heero winced again. Treize had hit it squarely on the head. Duo didn't trust them. He might like them, even love them, but he didn't trust them, because they never were there for him. Sometime out in the far reaches of Space, Duo lost any ability he had to trust them. Heero didn't think that he would have talked to any of them after the war, even if Treize hadn't disappeared. He would have been content to never see any of them again. And when he reached out them for help, Heero and Wufei had hurt him again, by not trusting Duo. By not letting him say no and why. Duo must have thought that after London, he would be ignored again. So he didn't want to have sex with them, enjoy himself for a few hours, then be ignored again. Duo had been used too often for that to enjoy it. Hell it looked like Treize and Une were the only people that hadn't ever let Duo down. Relena was another one, but Heero sensed that she felt guilty about something with Duo. Probably that he had to rescue her when she got in trouble and that he had gotten caught and tortured.
Treize stood up. "I'm going to look for Duo now. He might want to be alone, but I'd rather hear that from him, then assume that he doesn't want any company."
"The last place that I saw him was on the first floor, I don't know were he might be, except I don't think that he went outside, he wasn't wearing any shoes." Heero said quietly. "All I can say is that we tried our best, finally and it blew up in our faces. If he never forgives us, I can understand that, because it was unforgivable what we did to him. But I think, that he has, because he got you back. And what set him off tonight was the fact that Deathscythe is what all those pretty little bits that he can't get off himself are made of. His Gundam and the only thing that he thought managed to survive being loved by Duo Maxwell intact.
Treize, most of the reason that he crashed so fast and so hard at the news of your death is that for far too long, Duo was the one that always was left behind. Everyone, starting with his parents, has died on him. Finding you again meant that someone had survived, and that's going to help him more then you realize. So find him and talk to him. He doesn't know about any of the plans that we made, this might be a good time for the two of you to talk about it. Later on this morning, we'll arrange transport and get you off planet. Let the two of you get to know each other again. If he agrees to our plan."
Quatre turned and looked at Trowa, sitting in bed and reading. "How long have you known?" he asked quietly.
"About what?" Trowa replied, closing the book and putting it on the nightstand.
"About Duo and whatever was going on when he wasn't with us." Quatre said.
"Come sit on the bed," Trowa asked. "And I will tell you everything that I put together, from what had happened and what he told me that morning."
Quatre sat down, wondering why it felt good to be in Trowa's arms. He was angry with him, he hadn't told him everything that he needed to know with Duo. Or did he feel that Duo would keep his silence still? It had been years, but then, they never really talked to Duo since that morning either.
Trowa sighed. "I was getting reports when we were on the PeaceMillion. You have to understand something Quatre. It isn't simple. Life never is. Iria had terrorized your sisters into not talking to Duo. At all. The servants took their cues from your sisters. Iria was under the impression that you were closer to Duo then you were. Then any of us were."
"Iria thought that Duo and I were close?" Quatre asked in a small voice. "How close?"
"Iria thought that you two were lovers. That he was there to meet the family and let them gradually get to know him. She thought that if she was rude to him, that he wouldn't return. She couldn't or wouldn't believe that he was there on orders, that you didn't trust him to work with the rest of us. The war was not her concern, your family was."
"When did you find this out?" Quatre asked in a cold voice. Why did Trowa keep this from him?
Trowa sighed and hugged Quatre closer. "Almost as soon as she started it. You have to put yourself in your sisters' place. Most of them that are still living scattered on the Winner properties are either employed by Winner Industries or are running a business out of one of the satellites. Iria threatened to cut them off, without anything if they talked to Duo. They couldn't appeal to you for protection, no one could really find you. I tried to get Rashid to deal with her, but he couldn't or wouldn't. You were trying to help Heero in his ZERO System reactions and have us end the insanity. Along with your own reactions to the system. I made the decision to not tell you what was happening, it would have distracted you too much. You kept me away from the ZERO system because you needed me sane, you needed me to deal with the crew of the PeaceMillion and the others. You couldn't run a business, keep your sisters in line and fight a guerilla war at the same time. I didn't tell you because we would have suffered because of Iria's distracting you. She would not believe that you and I were lovers, when I finally managed to get to her, to try to talk her into treating Duo like he was a human being. She didn't believe me. In fact, she called me a liar to my face. You were not a lover of men. You were going to get married and settle down, produce your own heir, like your father wanted. Duo was keeping you from doing all that, for his own selfish reasons. Not the fact that you never were interested in women in the first place. Her logic was very odd. She kept muttering that you should find a nice girl to settle down with."
"I remember that trip," Quatre murmured. "You looked so frustrated, I thought that something went wrong with Catherine. I didn't know that it was Iria."
"Some of what went wrong you can blame on me, if I didn't give you the information that you needed, you didn't have to deal with another problem. And you were being stretched thin as it was."
"Duo just told me everything, Trowa. Everything!" Quatre's voice had a slightly hysterical edge to it. "That he didn't talk to anyone for months. That he didn't know if he was sane by the time he came back to the PeaceMillion. That he ran in London because Wufei and Heero botched their seduction of him. That we were never there for him and he just called here for help because he knew that he'd get it, because of the guilt I felt. He showed me how some of his assignments for the scientists were done. That he had to use his body to get to the people that he was supposed to kill. He did something and for a moment I forgot that he was this skinny, scarred man and I wanted him so much. All from a touch, a glance, an aura that he had. Tell me Trowa, how much of this did you know and never told me about?"
Trowa glanced down at his lover. If it wasn't for the fact that they had both managed to grow over the years, it was like being on one of Quatre's estates during the war, arguing about him protecting Quatre from the fighting. "I knew a lot of it. Duo told me many things that morning that Wufei dragged him home. He did a lot of it so that you and Wufei wouldn't have to. Even Heero he wanted to protect, because he was innocent about a lot of things. So that you would..."
"...be able to return to you." Quatre murmured. "I know that."
"Duo needs someone to take care of. A goal that he could focus on, unlike the rest of us, he didn't do too well with abstract causes. You and Wufei he protected because you were still innocent. You never had gone hungry. That you still had illusions. I thanked him for that because I needed you innocent. He protected you as long as he could. But we didn't return the favor. Because we ignored him after we were done with him. Not intentionally, but it still happened."
"Thank you for telling me this Trowa," Quatre said quietly. "I will deal with Iria later. I knew that she was uncomfortable with some of the choices that I made, about my life and how I chose to live it. I didn't think that she would hound a hurt boy because she thought that we were lovers . I should have had this discussion with her a long time ago. I will have it in the morning, with her."
"But how are we going to fix things with Duo?" Trowa asked softly. "He needs us. He won't admit it, but he wants to like us still, something of that is left inside of him I hope."
"You never saw him...out in that cabin. He said he liked being alone, now. #I should have realized something had gone wrong, his tone was so bitter when he told us that.# He went into town once a week, to get supplies and more books. Kids during the summer went out there to swim and he let them. He was tutoring a boy our age to get into the Preventers Academy, but I don't think that he really talked to him. There was some older man, the sheriff that talked to him at night, when he was on patrol he'd stop by for a cup of coffee, but Duo kept to himself most of the time. He didn't tell us a thing unless we asked him about it. He was really quiet, not the chatterbox that we remembered. Then things got crazy and we left him again."
Trowa shifted and hugged Quatre. "They succeeded, those old men that wanted to break him. And we helped them. I should have reached out more, but things were so new, so strange for me, I had never been in love or had been loved before. And after the war and when we were having our own problems, I never thought of him. In fact Wufei and I wondered if he was even alive. When he took in Maria, I didn't want to interfere because he needed her more then I did. I liked thinking that she was a relative. But she was better off with Duo, he could help her more. Maria told me that he was the only person that ever treated her like a child, that he was always there for her, that he was kind to her and didn't want anything from her."
"Because he knew how it had been for him, always being used." Quatre said quietly. "Could you check to see if he's okay. He might not talk to me or Wufei or Heero, but you have always been kind to him."
Trowa nodded and crawled out of bed to grab his pants and a shirt. "Duo and I aren't that much different, Quatre. We both found out much too early that the Universe was not a good place for children without protection. You remember how I was in the beginning? Hurt and cynical. Duo just didn't get cynical until later, because he realized what he was losing. But I think that he always had been hurt, but refused to show it."
Quatre nodded and crawled out of bed too. "I'm not waiting for the morning to deal with Iria. I'm too angry to sleep. I know that a large part of this is my fault, but why did she have to be so cold to a boy that she thought that I was in love with?"
Duo wandered throughout the house, prowling the library too tense to go back to the room. He snorted to himself. That was just an excuse, he really didn't want to go to sleep tonight. Not with the nightmares of Howard walking him like a dog through places that he had been and other such fun night time activities. He'd sleep later, when they got into Space, where ever they wanted to send the two of them. Thankfully Une brought some of his clothes, he'd leave Quatre's behind. He didn't want to owe him anything. Quatre had been so surprised to hear about everything, his whoring. The killings. What Howard and Mirialdo had done to him. Quatre was still the little innocent, but then torture wasn't something that he had a lot of experience with, outside the threat of it during the war. And he had a sneaking suspicion that outside the number of people in his bed, Quatre wasn't into anything really outrageous in it. Not with the people that he had in there with him.
Duo stiffened when he heard the door open and someone come into the room. He shifted further into the shadows and just watched, wondering who was looking for him now. Duo waited and was surprised to see that it was T-chan. How did he know that he was down here? Duo came out into the light, showing himself to T-chan.
Treize looked around, glad that he had found Duo, he was worried that he was wandering around outside without any shoes on. It was too cold for that. He decided that bluntness was the best thing for this conversation.
"I just finished talking to Heero. About London and a few other things. Tell me Duo, how did you people survive being terrorists, if you were all idiots?"
Duo stared at T-chan and then shook his head. "I don't understand."
Treize came in closer, not wanting to shout across half the room. "I mean, the things that he was telling me. I wonder if he had any idea how bad it sounded? What he tried to do to you, what he wanted you for?"
Duo shrugged. "With J as a role model, I shouldn't have expected anything better. Heero, he's just not very good at the human interaction thing, still. He at least got the message before it had gone too far, before it was too late."
"He almost raped you! He wanted to use you as a distraction because he couldn't handle Quatre and then they both ignored you because they managed to be reunited with their lovers. And Wufei should have had a better idea then just drag and jump! The man quoted Sun Tzu to my daughter and the best seduction plan he comes up with is that?"
Duo laughed, it was short and sounded a little off, but it was a laugh. Treize was relieved to hear it. Now he just had to find out why. "I didn't mean it to be funny, but I like that you laughed."
Duo shook his head. "Don't be mad at them, Wufei...he's impulsive. And I guess a sleeping guy looked good to him. Hell he hadn't seen any of the damage, but he wasn't turned off by it when he saw it, so that was a plus in my eyes. Heero knew about it, but I think his cluelessness worked for me that time. I wasn't not interested in them...just not interested in sex with them."
"That isn't an excuse!"
"No it isn't," Duo agreed calmly, "but I can't fault them for trying, I called up and invited them for a week in London, my treat. They must have thought that I was there for fun and games, but after a week of no action they should have gotten the message that it wasn't happening. But I think if they had had a little more finesse with their approach, I'd be part of the harem and you'd be out there with Miri still. So it worked out in the end."
"No it didn't." Treize said quietly. "Howard...."
"I'm gettin' used to them. The big problem is that it's another thing in my life that I didn't have any control over. And well, they are weird. I got to do some research when we get someplace safe and try and figure out what this all means. I don't think that its random placement, he might have something else going besides the message 'Property of Howard'."
"Don't lie to me Duo." Treize said softly. "I don't think that you can bounce back this quickly from everything that happened to you. I only saw a little of it and I have had nightmares."
"Not bouncing," Duo replied softly, "Just trying to survive it and make the best of the situation."
"You just found out that they had been part of your Gundam and you were upset. Running into Quatre and dropping whatever bombshells that you did, didn't make you feel better did it? Even though you finally told him whatever had been bothering you." #Talk to me damn it! I'm the only one around here that hasn't hurt you in some way, so trust me enough to tell me what's bothering you. You need to start having someone help you and aside from Une and Relena I wouldn't trust these people not to make it worse, so talk to me!#
"It didn't T-chan. I felt...odd. But I wish that I hadn't told him, that Iria had 'fessed up about the way that she acted. I don't want to talk about it anymore."
"And then you are going to go to bed and have nightmares about it because you didn't talk about it some more. I'm here. Talk to me. I don't know anything and you can even talk to me in a language that I don't know, but talk to me because you can't just keep bottling it up."
"I can T-chan. A lot." Duo informed him sadly. "I never really had anyone to tell, not even you in the time that we had because I didn't want to spoil it. The best part of being with you was that I didn't have to think about all the nasty stuff that I had to do."
"Which is why you have nights like these. Maria said that you don't sleep well. She's worried."
"Maria is a love. And I hate leaving her, but T-chan, Mirialdo will hurt her and Howard would use her to get me to do what he wants. I don't think that he has any morals left. And for some weird reason, he's still got the hots for me." Duo shook his head and sat on the floor, resting his head on his knees. "I'm scared. Scared that they'll find us. Scared that this crap is going to be with me forever. I was gonna get rid of some of the scarring later. In a couple more years. They want to see if I will grow some more. I might, a couple of centimeters at least." #It's a nice thought. Sally was hopeful, if I could keep my weight up and eat enough to grow. I had hoped to gain enough weight to do that, that I would get straightened out enough to do that. That was what I was working towards, I was gonna worry about the other stuff later. Just trying to fix one thing at a time,#
"Only if you eat." Treize scolded him. #Why the past tense? Or are Howard's little markings making it not worth it to you?#
Duo looked up and smiled. "That's an old argument with us. Une and Relena too."
"Une worries about you. She loves you. Same with Relena. And I know that they are worried about how this is going to work out." Treize sat down next to Duo, lounging against the wall. He hoped that he appeared non-threatening and somewhat reassuring to him.
"What's up?" Duo asked, shifting to look at him. He loved watching T-chan. He still couldn't believe that they were together. That they were going to be spending more time together. That may be things would be working out for once.
"Why do you ask?" Treize said, looking back at him.
Duo looked good. Relaxed, so that maybe he would get some sleep tonight. Maria had told him a few stories about her and Duo, the fun that they had had together. Little things that Duo had enjoyed doing to spoil her. Making her breakfast and keeping her company while she did homework or tutored someone. Duo was adored by a lot of the kids that she was in school with because of the endless supply of goodies that he produced and the fact that he was willing to listen to them. The adults thought that he was nuts, but the kids never really listened to them.
"I know that you're checking me out because you worried about me bookin' like that. You got really worried after hearin' about my scene with Quatre. But is there anything else that's going on besides a yen for my company? Besides to make sure that I'm not bein' stupid."
"Trowa, Heero and I had a small discussion while you were asleep this morning, after Iria's exam." Treize started. "And Trowa suggested that we stay in a condo on L3. One of Quatre's sisters owns it and she isn't there for a couple of months, it might be a good place for us for us to hide, to get to know each other again."
"I hate owin' Quatre anything right now. I really laid it into him." Duo grumbled.
"About what?" Treize asked. What had Quatre done that made Duo that angry with him? Duo had easily enough forgiven Heero and Wufei for their blunders with him.
"I'll tell you later, just something that had been bothering me for a while and he turned out to be ignorant of most of what was bothering me. It was something that happened during the war."
Treize frowned and shook his head. Duo would tell him eventually. He shouldn't push it. "Aside from that, are you willing to live with me. I know that I won't be much help, but I can learn...."
Duo chuckled. "Oi...I should be the one askin' that. I'm really messed up and you're almost normal. Aside from your problems with Mirialdo and your memory, you got your act together. People aren't freakin' you out at times, you sleep pretty good I bet and no one thinks that you're fourteen."
Treize winced on that last one. He had thought Duo was that young when he first saw him. He lack of height and thinness made him look younger then he was. Treize was disturbed that Duo wasn't going to grow anymore, a centimeter or two didn't count. Maria was going to be taller then Duo in a year or two. And she really hadn't started growing yet. "I apologize for that remark. But...it wasn't the best of nights for either of us."
Duo laughed. "I was just coming off of one of Howard's happy drug tours. Stoned out of my head for a couple of weeks because he keeps putting me under because I was weirding him out. He couldn't or wouldn't deal with me." Duo shrugged and sobered up, "That evening was something that I never thought of, even in my worst nightmares. That you were alive and I was Howard's little treat of the month when I finally found you again. Not that you were happy with him...but that he was alive. Even after I saw him in London I didn't want to believe that he was alive. The things that he did to me on the Libra...I should have died. I wished that I had at times. And you didn't know me. I was just someone that Howard had dragged in. And I wasn't making too good of an impression because, hell all I did was stare at my plate and wonder why God hated me. If I opened my mouth, I don't think I would have stopped screaming."
"I thought that Howard was at least honest about your relationship. And that he wanted you to learn some manners, civilized dining, refined conversation. And I thought that Howard wanted you to spend the night with Miri and myself to show you that he was a more considerate lover. That it was punishment for something." Treize explained.
"It did turn out to be punishing." Duo agreed quietly.
"I should put some of that salve on your back." Treize said, shifting closer to Duo. "And what about...um...I don't know if I should ask it, but should you be eating solid food?" #Not that you ate much...I have visions of trying to tempt you with pastries, just to get to eat. What happened to my lover that inhaled desserts?#
"I'll heal up...just a bit raw. Nothing that hadn't happened before. As I told Trowa this morning, not like I'm gonna get any." Duo joked. #Please don't act like you care...you don't know me...you don't owe me anything.#
"You never know." Treize said quietly, "Heero and Wufei might actually figure out how to ask nicely and you might say yes." #I'm not saying anything more because I don't want to scare you. But could you let me love you?#
Duo snorted. "Not after they got yelled at by Relena. She can be scary at times, not like Une. But she has a breaking point and then she just loses it. I saw it once. It was funny and scary. She covered the guy in ice cream and beat him up for hitting on her."
"She often has that reaction to being approached by a man?" Treize asked curiously.
"She was a little tense about other things and he mentioned something about a boyfriend protects his girl. It set her off, she was screaming that she didn't need anyone's protection when I got her out of there. It is a sore spot with her, because of what happened with me and her brother." Duo sighed and shook his head. "We had almost made it out of there when we got jumped by Dorothy and she threatened to slit Relena's throat if we didn't give ourselves up. It was a while before she could get me out of there. She thinks that it's her fault that Mirialdo was a bit knife happy on me."
"I'm sorry," Treize said softly. #Who is Dorothy...I think that I should know that name.#
"I...I am so fucked up from a lot of things...what happened during that time isn't all that's wrong with me, so she shouldn't feel bad, Just a lot of things that happened...I couldn't cope any more." Duo explained, wincing at the tug on his back.
Treize saw that move and frowned. "Back up to your room and I'm putting that salve on your back. Then you can sleep with Maria or me or anyone that you want. But you've got to start taking care of yourself." Treize sighed and looked down at Duo. "I need you to take care of yourself. So could you?"
"I'll try." Duo promised. "I told Quatre that I wanted to start liking myself again, may be you can help me with that at least. I don't expect much else."
"Why not?" Treize asked as he stood up and then bent over to help Duo to his feet. He was pleased that Duo accepted his help with a little smile and stood up easily.
"A lot of reasons," Duo said, the smile fading from his face. "I think that you can do a lot better then me once you get your bearings back. So you don't owe me anything. And I do mean that."
"Duo, I do understand that, but let me fuss over you for a little while. I feel like I should, that I hadn't done enough of that in the past. That no one has done that for you." Treize explained.
"T-chan...you did what I let you do. It wasn't as much as you wanted, but it was a lot more then anyone had done for me. Don't feel guilty, a lot of it was out of both of our hands, nothing that we could control." Duo informed him quietly. #Don't let me get used to you fussing and then leave. That I couldn't stand. Just let's get through this and I'll go back to Maria and you can find someone that isn't a messed up as I am. Someone that is safe to love.#
End Part Twenty-Four
Christine
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