Duo sighed and shifted, nervous. He had let Une talk him into getting a physical with Sally Po. Sally was better then a total stranger which had been his other choice. He knew her and she would understand it if he started to freak on her. So he was here in her office, in a skimpy paper outfit, waiting for her to come in and see how messed up he was, freezing his ass off. Why was it the waiting room was warm and the exam rooms freezing?
This was one of the conditions that Une had for him moving in with them. Physical, some counseling, and in a year or two he could get his head together and not wake up screaming or hide in the house like an idiot. Try and make new friends. Get out some more, relearn to relax. Think about school.
If he went outside that estate in the Sank Kingdom that they all had just moved into, he was still nervous around people, so he understood why Une was insisting on this. The Sank Kingdom was just too crowded, too busy for him. There were too many people and he had gotten the willies just from the crew had opened the house, when Une dragged him with her to see the work that had been done. It hadn't helped that they thought that he and Une were both girls. Une finding him a corner shaking didn't help things, after one of the guys came up behind him and just pulled his braid, trying to flirt with him. After his freak out with Maria and the Preventer idiots, Une informed him that he needed to see someone, that Treize-sama would have wanted that. Duo agreed, he knew that he needed help, just talking to a total stranger and looking at ink blots wasn't his idea of help. He didn't know what was, but Sally might have some ideas.
Maria wasn't a confidence builder for him either. She was wavering between being afraid of him and pitying him. Pity seemed to be winning, Duo was surprised, he didn't think that she had it in her. Duo suspected that Dekim Barton was a graduate of the Dr J school of childrearing, which the first lesson seemed to be, turn the child into a cold adult as fast as possible. When they had cleaned out her stuff on L3 for her move in with Une, she had almost nothing. Books, clothes, stuff like that. But no pictures, no stuffed animals, nothing personal. And the look in her eyes at times...she was wary. Wondering what was going to happen next, would this last? Duo hoped that she could get to be sane at least, he didn't think that he could. But the pity was a good start, as much as he hated it. It showed that she still cared, that she wasn't the bastard that Dekim wanted her to be.
His musings were interrupted by Sally breezing into the room with a cheery, "Good Morning."
Duo smiled in reply and tried to hide further in the paper johnny that he was wearing. "Could I just get dressed and book? You can tell Une I didn't show."
"She knows you're here, remember she did come with you. She's in the waiting room, filling out all the paperwork that I need, because this is a military operation. Even if you're a Gundam pilot, you still have the bennies, like the OZ troops and the Federal soldiers. It wasn't like there was a lot of you." Sally smiled, and reached over to pat Duo on the head. She frowned when he flinched and then relaxed. "Hey roomie, what gives? Une just said regular check up, but you seem to need something else."
"I'm a little messed up," Duo admitted. "You might say that I'm borderline depressive." If not worse. Psycho was a prime requirement for being a Gundam pilot. I just went over the edge faster then I thought I would when peace came, the training we got it was bound to happen, since none of us was supposed to survive the war.
"Mmm...why don't I leave that to the headshrinkers, I'll just give you a physical now." Sally said, calmly. Duo not being disturbed by all he had gone though would have worried her more. And she had heard about what had happened after Maria's coupe attempt. She was still angry with herself that she hadn't been there for him. "Hop up on the scale."
Duo got up, trying to keep the johnny closed, so the she wouldn't see his back. She swatted at his hand, so that it was by his side and then concentrated on fooling with those stupid weight things on the scale. Sally was swearing softly under her breath when she realized how light he was. At least it kept her occupied.
"What haven't you been eating Duo?" she growled at him. "You've grown, barely. A couple of inches. But you're lighter then when you were first a pilot, from what I can tell and you were too light then." She grabbed at the top and flicked it open to poke at his ribs and scold him some more, then just stopped. "Oh... Duo...what...?" she said brokenly, looking at Zechs' handy work.
Duo turned around and smiled crookedly. "Libra, Zechs, rescuing Relena. You're one of the few people that's seen them, besides Une, Heero and Quatre."
"Oh Duo." Sally choked a little before giving him a hug. Duo returned it gently. "S'okay. You get to be the mean doctor and poke at me now. I probably should have seen you then, but I couldn't."
"That bastard. Why?" Sally asked, trying to pull her composure back together.
Duo had been a good sport about all the mess on the PeaceMillion the hostility from the pilots and the crew. All he wanted to do was get Relena out of the Libra before things blew up. He had fallen in love with the enemy, by that time...who was the enemy was something that changed almost hourly, no matter what insane chant Heero was making about the enemy being 'the one that stands in front of me and tries to kill me. Everyone who fights is my enemy'. Duo didn't deserve what happening to him, no one did.
"He was insane?" Duo said, stripping out of the top with a shiver, letting Sally see the whole mess. There wasn't much point to not letting her see it. And the paper thing wasn't keeping him warm at all, so why wear it and look stupid? It wasn't like she hadn't seen it before, doctors got to see naked people all the time. And he hadn't had privacy until he moved into the cabin.
Sally delicately started to examine him, stopping on occasion to make notes. She managed to hold her professional mask for most the exam, but shivered when she saw the burn mark on his scrotum. "Duo, I might want to do some tests later to see if you're still fertile. He might have burned a few important areas." she said.
"I wasn't planning on children. I wasn't planning on having sex again...you might want to check for STDs, I had a lot of...company...in that storeroom." Duo said, curling up to hug his knees on the exam table, staring blankly at the wall.
"Duo..." Sally sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm going to have to check a few more things, if you feel nervous, because you know it's going to be uncomfortable, tell me. And your ribs are mostly straight. I'm not going to fix them by rebreaking them, you don't need that pain, the burns and other scarring, lasers have been used to reduce the surface damage. I recommend that after you stop growing, which should be in a couple of more years, then you should look into a treatment. There's just so much of it. What did he do?"
"Peeled my skin away with my own knife," Duo said. "Then kept grinding lit cigarettes into my back and other places." Raped me couple of times and let loose a squadron of pilots to play with me. I barely walked out of there and the only reason that I lasted through the battle was that I was sitting, which wasn't too comfortable either, but then everything hurt so much, I was past the pain. Go endorphins!
"Are you so light because you're not eating?" Sally asked. "Or are you having a problem processing what you eat?"
"Could be not eating. I don't eat a lot because things taste flat. Everything seems to be working alright." Duo said. "Nothing hurts that isn't supposed if that's what you're checking for."
"Okay, just lean over and, let me do the doctor thing," Sally said, putting on a glove and gently probing Duo's body. "Some scar tissue, I'm not going to get more personal because if you got any more tense you'd be Wufei."
"Onna!!" Duo joked, trying not to scream, "Just keep in talking so I know its you, please." he added in a small voice. I'm still getting flashbacks. I've started to take long showers, scrubbing myself clean because I can still smell Zechs on me after I wake up from the nightmare or the flashback. I thought that they would stop as soon as I settled into my life again. But they haven't, their getting worse.
"What should I say?"
"Anything...recite poetry, tell jokes, mention embarrassing incidents in your childhood." Duo begged.
"Okay, how about if I tell you the bad news. I don't think that you're going to get much taller, unless a miracle occurs."
"I figured that one out a long time ago," Duo replied. "Childhood malnutrition. I'm damn grateful I don't have rickets. If I get to be the same height as you I'll be lucky."
Sally stepped back and Duo sighed, sitting down on the exam table. "What's left?"
"Just some blood tests. I'll do the draws here and you can go back to Une, tell her you were a good boy and deserve a treat."
"You make me sound like I'm ten. I'm short, not young." Duo pouted and stuck out his tongue at her.
"Do you want the name of a psych person? I can do a referral." Sally said, gathering the equipment that she needed for the blood work, secretly amused by Duo sticking out his tongue at her. Duo sat still, letting her take what he thought was an excessive amount of blood. Ten tubes of it, what was she testing for?
"Yeah, someone that would be good with kids, I want Maria to get her head screwed on straight before she gets too much older. Dekim Barton was a class A bastard, she's been hurt by him. And I'm not helping things." Duo replied. "And one for me. We shouldn't go to the same one, but if they're in the same practice it would be good."
"What about you?" Sally asked.
"I can wait. I've been screwed up for a while." Duo said, focusing on something in the distance. "I can function, be sorta normal. Just don't like people. That wasn't all Zechs.... I spent months in Shinigami, doing hit and run raids, towards the end. I didn't speak to anyone for days. I'd talk to Shinigami and T-chan, but no one that was flesh and blood. Then I'd stop at one of the Winner holdings. One, usually more then that, of his sisters would be staying there and they'd just look at me and not say anything to me, really, besides messages to pass on to Quatre if I saw him again. They weren't hostile, just distant, but I always felt like they thought it was my fault that Quatre wasn't there. But I couldn't blame them for being that way, they wanted their kid brother with them, not one of his weirdo terrorist buddies. But they'd feed me, let me sleep there for a night or two while I repaired things and refueled. At night, when I couldn't sleep, I'd walk about. Someone always was following, but they wouldn't talk to me. I was so... isolated, I guess."
"Duo?" Sally asked, worried about him. This sad waif didn't resemble the pilot that just saved Relena Peacecraft and the Earth. Not the cocky kid that told the World President to shove it.
"Yeah?"
"You okay? Now. With Une and Maria."
"As I said, I can function. You should come over one night. I make a mean stir fry. And my brownies aren't bad either. I'm playin' the happy housewife, it keeps me together. Just don't expect me to go to a crowded store or anyplace like that. I freak."
"Maria?"
"I feel sorry for her. The Bartons acted like she was a tool, nothing more. Did ya know that Dekim had a hand in training Heero? But reality bit her on the butt and it wasn't nice. I don't know much what she was told, but Maria doesn't know what to do with me. Nothing was covered about what sort of relationship do you have with your father's crazy, teenaged lover. But she's trying, just doesn't know how to be a kid. Une enrolled her in the local private school, she's making friends. Just, when I show up to pick her up when Une can't make it, it gets weird. So wasn't enrolling her there. They weren't too happy about having Une and me listed as her next of kin. Relena's chauffeur drives me over if I have to go there, because I'm afraid that I'm gonna have a flashback while driving and take someone else out. But Maria's adjusting, I guess. There's still things that she has to work out though, she's given up trying to make sense of the fact that she now has this huge family, when before it was just her and Dekim."
"What do you mean huge family?" Sally asked.
"Well, Trowa is Trowa Barton, I don't care if he wasn't the original one. He's an improvement over that one, from what I've been told. So he's sort of her uncle. Catherine's his sister, her aunt. Then there's Quatre. Since him and Trowa have finally settled down, like should be married settled down, she's now got another uncle and twenty nine aunts, plus all the Maguanacs. And her and Wufei get along. He sorta was looking out for her when he ran off and joined the rebellion. Him and Heero moved in with Quatre and Trowa, I'm not going to figure out the dynamics in that relationship." Duo finished off in an odd tone. He was... jealous? Envious? Happy? That they all had managed to work things out. Now if he could get it together, it would be a miracle. He still wasn't sleeping though the night still. And seeing a knife in someone else's hands freaked him. Forget about his reaction to anyone smoking around him, most of the people that came over thought that they were health freaks because of that, not because they'd have to drag him out of a closet screaming if he smelled it. Bu t he'd get over it, eventually.
"Hey, I'm going to chat with Une, not because I don't trust you, it's just that she's in charge of you, your guardian until you're an adult." Sally said. Not that you aren't one now, but legally, they think that you should be a certain age for things...no matter how much you grew up before that.
"Just with a few things, but she's got Maria in the house with us and she wants to know if you think that I'm going to wig out on her one night." Duo smiled at Sally. Not that she's worried about violence, if anything, she doesn't want to have to pull me out of a corner and talk me out of what ever episode I'm tripping on, so that I can function. She's already had to do that once, and that was enough for her.
"I won't be able to tell her that, my speciality isn't psych. But you seem to be okay, just want to test for a few things."
"Just tell her that I'll be getting a cup of coffee." Duo told her, when he was dressed. Sally frowned at what he was wearing, it was warm out, but his outfit was long sleeved, dark and heavy looking and far too big. He looked like he was fourteen. He was still wearing the same type of clothing as then, unless you looked real closely, he might still be that bright eyes kid.
"Okay, Duo...you take care of yourself," Sally said, giving him a hug.
He flinched a little but hugged her back. "Sorry, still a little wiggy...roomie"
Sally sighed and dropped off the blood tests at the desk and beckoned Une to come into her office. Une followed her, frowning slightly.
"How is he?" she asked as soon as the door closed.
"Too thin." Sally started. "And the scars...it's a miracle that is wasn't worse, that he didn't have a major infection on top of all that. He's got some scaring else where, he mentioned that he wasn't alone in that storeroom."
"Gang rape?" Une asked tiredly, figuring out what Sally wasn't actually mentioning. "He mentioned it, in Cologne, he told me about some of it, that people scare him. He can function, if he's concentrating on something else." Like saving the world or a fight. But it's the little things that set him off. Not that you can tell, but I know that it's happening. Cigarette smoke is the worst, he just freezes at the slightest wiff of it.
"Probably. And I don't think that Zechs didn't hurt him that way too. But the tearing mended itself, he says he hasn't had any problems, but he's not eating enough." Sally sighed.
"I found him, once when we were opening the house in the Sank Kingdom, huddled in corner, shaking because a couple of the workmen doing renovations had come up behind him and tugged on his braid. They thought he was my kid sister and were teasing him. After he panicked on them from that, they ran and got me." Une said. "After that he wouldn't come with me to check anything out. He said that he trusted me. All he needed was a room, a place for the books. A decent kitchen would be a plus. He ran back to that little hick town that he was hiding in so fast, my head spun. He said it was to close the cabin that he was living in down and say good bye to people, but I knew that he was frightened. So after I a gave him a day or so to calm down, I told him that he had to have check up with you and get some help...I was surprised that he agreed. After that morning in the Preventer's lock up, I thought that he would never come back here. But he promised Maria that he would take care of her, so he came back."
"He knows he needs help, which is a big plus. He was more worried about Maria though." Sally said, sipping at a bottle of water. "But he's in worse condition, the damage was done to him over a longer time. His training, the way he grew up. Compared to that, Maria has had a normal childhood."
"She's a mixture of adult and child and it is frightening to see what Dekim had done to her. She doesn't hate Duo, but she can't understand what her father liked about him." Une said. It doesn't help that he burst in on her coup and told her that this was the last thing that Treize-sama wanted. That was a sight, Relena told me, Duo and Maria debating her actions, and what Treize would have wanted for her. Then him threatening to kill her. And she knew that he would have. But she isn't frightened of him, just confused. I tell her about when he was cheerful, happy and she just shakes her head and looks at me. But there are flashes of he was like in the beginning sometimes. Then he has a flashback or a bad nightmare and he's just so out of it for a day or two afterwards.
"He mentioned that." Sally observed.
"I think that he could be very good for her. He does try to spoil her. He found out what food she likes, tries to help her with being a kid. He wants to be her friend, not because of anything else besides that she needs one. She might warm up to soon, but I doubt it. She reminds me of a smaller version of Heero Yuy at times." Une finished.
"She doesn't have any other problems besides the one with Duo?" Sally asked.
"Surprisingly not. She has accepted my relationship with Relena, that we are a couple. Relena had thought to wait until she was older to move in with me, but after Maria's attempted coupe and my getting custody, she decided it was time." Une sighed. "Noin was being difficult, but Relena put stop to it."
"Lucrezia Noin is a giant pain in the butt." Sally grumbled. "That bitch is so bigoted, she should have stayed with the Romafellers."
"Tell me about it. She acts like she never got her hands dirty during the war. I know that we didn't get along, that the battle between Zechs and Heero was mostly my fault and the boy shouldn't have self destructed. That I was jealous of the attention that Treize paid to them...but Relena and I are two sensible adults. And no one else seems to find our relationship odd. It helps that I was behind the scene most of the time...and I think that most of them think that I and Duo are having something going on between us. Not that he says anything to anyone, he hides mostly, even when we have people over, not that it isn't more then people from the office, for either Relena or myself. Both of us never had a lot of friends before this. Nothing formal, he can't handle that yet. Everyone ends up in the kitchen with him most of the time,for some unknown reason."
"Une...Une...Une, didn't you know? That's where most people end up at parties, outside those ghastly functions that Oz had." Sally said.
"Well come over one night and show me...bring your girlfriend." Une said.
"Duo already made the offer, just have to coordinate it. He says that he's good cook, is he?"
"Damn good, I have to work out to keep the calories off. But he doesn't eat, you know that. I hope that changes soon, I would like him to meet people his own age or at least keep in touch with the other pilots, but...."
"It'll take time. He's lucky that he isn't in a hospital someplace, sedated to the gills with all that he has been through. I'll give you a name of someone that he might want to deal with. And a prescription for some sleeping pills, if he wants them, because I know that he hasn't been sleeping with the shadows under his eyes. And his eyes...they are so...dead is the only word that I can describe them as."
"Fuck." Une cursed, "If I ever had gotten my hands on G or the rest of them, it wouldn't have been pretty. How could they have taken children and done that to them...even if some of them haven't been children for ages."
"Because men have egos and think that because they have a penis, they are God." Sally observed bitterly. She had never thought that Une even knew that word, never mind would use it.
Duo found his way to the cafeteria, marveling how young they all looked. How new. God, was he that tired that even the Preventers looked like they belonged in school? Hopefully they would never half to see the shit that he did. He tried to ignore the strange looks that he got and not run back to Sally's office. He was going to get a cup of coffee, drink it and act like he was normal. No one was going to drag him off someplace and he hadn't had a flashback in a while, not that they were bad, a lot of the time, just he looked like he was out of it. The ones that featured Zechs in them were the worse, but the others he knew weren't real, that it was just memories. With Zechs...he couldn't. He just had to keep reminding himself that he was in the Preventer's Academy and not on the Libra.
Duo got his coffee and a piece of pie, he might even be able to eat half of it. The cashier was more interested in the article that she was reading in the paper then giving him a hard time. He had no illusions, he looked closer to fourteen then the seventeen he was supposed to be. And kids weren't what you usually find wandering around here, not like in the old days when the cadets hit pubety and their first experince with a mobile suit at the same time. He found a table in one of the corners and settled down to watch what was going on.
He was watching the people wander in and out, trying not to hunch over his food and hide. A couple of the cadets gave him strange looks, but thankfully on the whole ignored him. He was nursing his second cup of coffee and poking at the pie still when he heard a familiar voice.
"What are you doing here?"
Duo looked up to see Noin staring down at him. She looked royal pissed and he was uneasy to see the crowd that she had with her. Alright three guys who were cadets weren't a crowd, but they did make him nervous.
"Waiting for Une, she's talking to Sally about stuff," Duo said, trying not to sound as nervous as he felt. "You know we seemed to always be meeting like this. In cafeterias. Do you think its some sort of cosmic joke? And I didn't get a chance to tell you before, thanks for the backup. You saved my ass out there. I just booked because of the crowd and a few other things."
"I heard that you moved in together." Noin said coldly. The cadets looked confused and Duo fought the overwhelming urge to laugh. Noin, of course didn't mention Relena, that would burst her little bubble. He wqs trying to be nice, polite but Noin did deserve to get a few buttons pushed with the attitude she was giving him. And he could do that at least to her.
"Relena, Une and me. Along with Maria." Duo said, getting his dig in. He'd stop there, it wasn't worth the effort, he had said what he wanted to.
Noin's face tightened, angry that he had mentioned that detail. Duo just hoped that the cadets with her weren't as twisted at Mueller and Alex had been rumored to be, or they'd drag him out behind the building to kick the crap out of him on her word. He had seen that report, Une had showed him it one night, he still couldn't figure out why.
"I know." Noin grated out.
"She's wanted to for a long time, came out to where I was last summer to talk about it. I told her if you were the only protest...she should wait. And they did, but the stupid coupe thing sorta told them what was more important." Duo informed Noin, trying to get her to understand, he shouldn't be mad at her because she didn't want to face facts. "And since when was Heero Yuy a better choice? He's crazier then I am, which is saying a lot." He could tell by the bewildered looks that the cadets lost whatever grasp they had on the conversation a while ago. "You want to sit and talk for a while? I don't know how long Une's gonna be gone."
"No thank you." Noin replied coldly. Duo had the mental image of little clouds of frost coming out with each word.
"Suit yourself. I'm easy." Duo replied with the ghost of a grin.
"I knew that already." Noin observed snidely, "Your past history shows that."
"You lived your life and I lived mine, so don't ever fucking judge what I did or said. I didn't always have the luxury of a moral fucking high ground, like you did. A lot of us didn't, so don't act all pissy." Duo replied feeling his temper rise. Noin had managed to push his buttons instead of the other way around. Score one for Noin.
"Tell me that after you stood in the rubble of what used to be a barracks and have one of your students last words be to you that he always wanted to see space." Noin said coldly, staring down at him.
Duo stood up and walked up to her, staring up into her hard eyes. Someday he was going to get that growth spurt that he dreamed about. "When you stand in the rubble of what used to be your home, have the only person that you remember as your mother, even through she was a nun, die in your arms because the Fedies decided that bombing a church was a good thing, you can then understand where I'm coming from and what choices I made. Get your head out of whatever fucking fairytale you thought you were going to get when you married him and smell reality. Relena did and I did. We didn't always to the right thing, but we did what we had to. And Noin, don't forget I was the one person that stopped Psycho boy from snuffing out Relena down at that dock."
"You shouldn't talk to Captain Noin that way!" one of the cadets protested, moving in closer to protect her from him. It was absurd, she had a couple inches and a few kilos on him, what the did they think he was going to do to her?
Duo shook his head, not breaking eye contact. "Noin needs protection as much as Une does, she's a kick ass fighter in a Taurus and good in a fight. She just refuses to accept certain facts about life she doesn't like."
"And you know that how?" another cadet asked snidely.
"As I was thanking her for before, she was kind enough to be my backup during the trouble that just happened with Dekim Barton." Duo informed the group, not talking his eyes off of Noin. He was afraid to.
"And that makes you who?" the third one asked, torn between curiosity and hostility.
"That makes him the pilot of Deathscythe Hell, Gundam pilot 02." Une's voice came coolly from behind the group. "Duo Maxwell."
"Lady Une!" the cadets acknowledged her in a ragged chorus. Noin ignored her.
"Captain Noin." Une nodded to her.
Noin dragged her eyes away from Duo and nodded tightly at Une. "Lady Une," she said in the same frigidly polite tone.
"Noin and I were just passing the time, Une." Duo said simply, "I hadn't thanked her for her help during the time with Dekim Barton. The hospitality she showed myself and Heero when we were flying out to the L3 colony cluster, with her and Sally Po."
Since Sally had filled her in on how cheery that trip had been, Une just smiled slightly. "You were always a polite young man Duo," Une commented, enjoying Noin flush at the dig. Noin hadn't been polite to either pilot.
"Nuns do that to you." Duo shrugged. "And you were always good to me, even at our first meeting." He smiled at Une, remembering how they almost shot each other. It was funny now. It had been funny then too, but he always did have an odd sense of humor. In the panicked milliseconds that he had before they decided not to shoot each other, Duo had wondered how much of a mess that this shoot out was going to be to clean up and how traumatized would Treize have been about cleaning up the mess.
Noin snorted. The cadets just looked more confused as they tried to figure out how they all knew each other. They knew that the war had let some strange things happen, but trying to figure out how two ex-OZ officers knew a Gundam pilot was odd. Noin could be explained, but Une? She was someone that never was in the field. Or had switched sides like Noin. Bets were being taken on who could guess how her and Relena came to be involved. Adding a Gundam pilot to the mixture was just too odd. Maybe the three of them? After this meeting the gossip mill would be running rampant on this one.
"You all set Une?" Duo asked, "Or do you need to do some more? You shouldn't have come in here on your day off. I would have been fine."
"Uh-uh," Une scoffed. "Sally ratted on you, that you wanted to book, so don't hand me that line."
"And you always like talkin' to the doctor?" Duo asked, throwing his coffee and pie in the garbage. They might as well get going, he really didn't want to stay here.
"I needed to get paperwork anyway, so that isn't a problem. And Sally gave and I arranged for a time that she and her partner can come to dinner. Thursday all right with you?"
Duo laughed. "I'll fit it into my busy schedule. She have any preferences to what she wanted for dinner or should I leave it to my twisted imagination?"
"You offered stir fry, that's what she wants." Une told him walking out of the cafeteria. They continued to chat lightly as Une walked him to the car, determined to get him out of there before he cracked. Sally had recommended a nice doctor, no nonsense, part of a small partnership that would be good for Duo. They had made the arrangements, just had to tell Duo. Which she would in the privacy of the car.
Duo shifted again, uneasy. He was in the waiting room of the psych person that Sally recommended. Their dinner had gone well, he enjoyed himself and they had entertained Maria with stories about the screwups that they had all gone through in the war. Sally told Maria about how she met Wufei, which while it wasn't funny, was informative to Duo. He had been starting to get to know the other guys, he had spent some time with them before Heero decided that blowing himself up was a good thing. It had been nice then. Sally's girlfriend, Maura was a civie that she had met after the war and was a little disturbed that they could joke about those days. She really hadn't liked Duo's quiet comment at the end, of how those had been the good ole days. But then, she wasn't the one seeing the shrink either. He sighed when the receptionist showed him into the office and wondered if he should lie on the couch in there or what. The doctor breezed in a few minutes later, an older perky looking woman that smiled brightly at him. All Duo could think of was some of the cheerleaders that he had meet in school.
"Good Afternoon, Mr. Maxwell, I'm Doctor Mina Harker. How are you doing? I'm glad that you came. Call me Mina, Dr. Harker is so formal. And I'm taping our session, its standard procedure."
Duo stared, wondering how she managed to breathe during that. She beat his record for talking without breathing when he used to do that.
"It's not the age, it's the mileage someone told me once." Duo said absently, checking out the room. "But you know I'm here for that, you have the records."
"Not that much. They are very sketchy...I hardly have anything at all here." She chirped at him, sounding like she was trying to scold him, but didn't have the heart too.
"I don't know you either, but you got what I could give you." Duo replied with a shrug. It was so unfair that she got to dissect him and all he got was a name.
"No parents listed. No date of birth, no family. No medical records except for an exam a few weeks ago, that couldn't have been your first one?"
Duo sighed and sat on the couch, it was going to be a long hour. "I don't remember my parents, all I know is that I was born on L2, satellite V01279, I think. That's where I..., never mind. I left to go to another one when I was about six, V01277, with a buddy, stowing away on a transport, we arrived just in time for it to be quarantined, because of the plague. I survived the L2 plagues on there. The church orphanage that took me in for a while didn't have a doctor, besides all the records there are gone, the war took care of that." Duo tone was flat, he didn't want to remember that now. "The next time I saw a doctor was when I was thirteen. He's dead and those records probably went someplace, but I can't even guess where because none of what he did was legal. So the only thing that you can get is the exam that Sally gave me."
Duo was just glad that most of the tests had come back negative. He had been worried about that. God knows what he picked up over the years. He planned to be tested every six months until he was a very old man. He had to given his history, STDs might be the least of his worries.
"That's unfortunate." Mina said, still cheery and cheerleaderish.
"That's life and what exactly am I supposed to do here?" Duo asked. "I'm not too up on what's expected of me. And I hate telling people anything."
"Mmhh," Mina said, "Why's that?"
Duo thought for a minute. "Because, information is power. And telling someone your weakness was deadly, either on the streets or during the war."
"Tell me what it was like to be a Gundam Pilot?" Mina asked curiously, ignoring his statement. They could get back to that.
Duo took a deep breath, wondering if he should be scared that he was talking to a blurred version of himself, the mask that he had woren around the others. And why was she starting there? What was she after or was he being paranoid?
"Lonely." he said shortly. As she continued to stare, he felt compelled to add things to that statement. "You couldn't get close to anyone, we moved too often. And I...I felt that I couldn't get close to the others, when I was with them."
"Why?"
Duo shifted and got up, wandering around the room. "It's okay that I do this? I get fidgety at times and this helps."
"No problem. I'm here to help you!"
Duo closed his eyes. He was in for it. If her voice was a shade or two lower, that would be him in the beginning. Lying to himself a little about how he felt about what he was doing. But he had been that cheery. He had enough to eat. He was getting an education. He was living someplace that he didn't have to trade his body for money. So he ran around and blew shit up. It was still better then peddling himself on L2. A bullet in the body always beat a John fucking with him. Both involved pain, but the bullet always had been better to him, a better memory. "They were all, sorta involved with each other. I felt...not left out, but a little odd. And...I...didn't want to get close to them. For a number of reasons, some very stupid. Some smart." I was so lonely and scared. Wondering if this was the right thing, was I right? Would I be able to handle it? Was G right and I wasn't good for more then spreading my legs?
"And what were those reasons Mr. Maxwell?" Mina asked. "Not there involvement with each other, because they were all boys?"
"Duo, call me Duo." he told her. "Mr. Maxwell always makes me think that I'm in school again. I didn't care about the fact that they all are guys, that wasn't what bothered me, it as other stuff. That I might have to kill them. That getting friendly might be counterproductive." Duo was silent for a long while, staring off into nothing. Mina thought that he was having a flashback until he looked at her again. They had been mentioned in his file, but not what set them off. She would have to ask him about that. "That everyone I every got close to died on me. I didn't want to go through that again, even though it had been two, three years since I even wanted to be friends or friendly with anyone."
"Why was that?" Mina asked. Duo noted that her voice wasn't cheery for once. She was looking a little shocked.
"I had been training before that. I didn't really like my trainers, but they weren't there to be liked. They were there to teach me to be a terrorist. A Gundam pilot. They were there to push me until I was exhausted and then demand more out of me. The make sure that even if I was dead on my feet, I could still complete the mission. To brainwash me into believing in their cause."
"You didn't believe in the freedom of the colonies?"
"I did, but that wasn't what they were actually training me for. The original mission spect was to drop a colony on the Earth and then the Gundams I think. It wasn't really explained to me, my controller didn't explain much." G didn't want the little slut he found to know much, in case I rolled over too easily. But...after a year, didn't he believe that I could do it? He saw me at my lowest. Puking my guts out over an interrogation, because it got messy, but I waited until afterwards to breakdown, after I killed the guy, after I got everything out of it I could. Strung out from sleep depravation and intense zero G training. I gave them my all, knowing that if I screwed up, it was out the airlock with me. I still wonder, how did I survive that?
"Duo you all right?" Mina asked, when he had been silent for a while.
"Yeah...just lost in the memories." Duo said quietly. "I'd forgotten most of them."
"And is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Mina asked.
"Could be a bad thing. It wasn't all bad on the PeaceMillion, even with all the crap that I had to do. I kept the crew amused at times, the one that was piloting the ship. I made them laugh and they were nice to me, but then they did have a hands off policy going on, thankfully."
"Hands off?" Mina asked in a confused tone.
"Yeah." Duo joked, "Do not mess with the pilot, even if he is the cutest thing onboard and we haven't hit a base in months. It was good, that was one less thing that I have to worry about."
"But you were only what, thirteen? Too young for anyone to be interested in you." Mina said incredulously.
Duo laughed bitterly. "Welcome to the real world Doctor Harker. It was about that. And I had been sexually active for about six years, turning tricks. I am small, because of the malnutrition I looked younger then I was for a long time. There was a big market on L2 for little boys, the Fed soldiers couldn't get enough at times. And money doesn't just appear, you wanted to eat on L2...you didn't have a family...you turned tricks. It kept me fed for a lot of years. Exce pt for the time that I was in the orphanage, I was turning tricks so I could eat and the rest of the gang could too. So that the younger kids would have a year or two before they would have to be spreading their legs, that all they had to do was steal."
Mina looked uncomfortable at this. "I...I don't know what to say."
"Where'd you grow up doctor?" Duo asked, wondering why she looked uncomfortable. Didn't shrinks here this all the time?
"England."
"Have parents, relatives? Went to a good school, studied hard. College, the rest of it, no worries. Biggest thing you worried about was a college loan I bet." Duo said. He wasn't trying to be rude to her or anything, but she was acting like she had never heard about people that were into kids and not in a good way. Where did she live and what color was the sky there? Could he spend his next vacation there? "You got to be normal. Deal with normal things. When you were worrying about going to the prom with a guy or whatever, I was killing people at the same age. So don't act like everyone was supposed to grow up with a white picket fence house, because not everyone can. Which is why I'm wandering around your office and telling you all this personal shit, because I didn't. What did you do when you're not here?"
"I am a school counselor. I work with troubled teens a lot. Children that had problems at home or school. Children of Federation officers and diplomats."
"How the fuck did I end up with you?" Duo almost shouted. A school counselor. He'd had problems with one or two of them when they were doing the school circuit. They didn't like his attitude problems, his fooling around. They thought he should be more serious. Duh, he was serious when he had to be, it was a relief to pretend to be normal, so he was happy about that, he goofed around. And he didn't expect to survive the war, why study.
Mina blushed. "I asked for you. I don't think that...."
"You didn't think what?' Duo asked in a cold tone. "That a kid would have that serious a problem? I spent two years of my life killing people. Destroying lives, lying about who I was, what I was doing. Or am I a change of pace? Something that you can get a paper or two out of while you poke at the inner workings of a psycho, instead of listening to a bunch of pampered kids complain that Daddy doesn't understand their need to express themselves by dyeing their hair puce."
"Why do you call yourself a psycho?" Mina asked. Duo had to admire the woman's nerve. She wilted a little at his rant, but bounced back. She was a pro, he had to hand her that.
"I don't know?" Duo answered, trying not to be sarcastic. "I just told you I killed people. And not just in battle. I can cold bloodedly plan an assassination, given less then an hour's notice and the scantiest of details. I have had to walk up behind people while they were eating and blow their brains all over their dinner companion. I spent three wonderful hours screwing around with a guy and then poisoned him. And promised a repeat performance if he was interested in fooling around some more. The poison that I gave him wasn't fast acting, it was supposed to be inert until another one was added. I just was supposed to keep him occupied until I had to finish the job. Might have been the next time I visited, might have been months or never. So tell me Mina, am I a psycho?"
"I don't know." she said quietly. "I'm sorry. I can't tell you that now. you have to decide that for yourself."
"Actually that's not the problem that I'm here for." Duo said, annoyed. "Think you're up to getting me back to being a functioning member of society? That's what I'm here for, because about the only people in my life that give a shit about me are worried and I don't want them to worry."
"You have to do that for yourself, not for them." Dr. Harker said automatically.
"It's for me too, but mostly for them. If it was just for me, I'd still be in the woods living like a hermit. But now I got responsibilities, people that need me and I need to function for them, not live in the woods, no matter how much I want to go back there." Duo said. "I got to stop the flashbacks and the nightmares, are you up to the crap I'm going to tell you or do you want to go back to the nice picket fence world that you come from and I'll go to someone else?"
"I can try and help you." she said. "But it might take years."
"It took years to get me like this," Duo said tiredly, "I'll understand if it takes years to undo the mess."
"Then...I think I can help." Mina said confidently.
"You don't have an agenda that I don't know about, that is gonna bite me on the ass. I didn't accidentally kill someone close to you and you gonna spend years fucking with what's left of my mind?" Duo asked, wondering why it was going so easily, it couldn't be this easy.
"Why are you so suspicious?" Mina asked.
"I had a suspicious life." Duo answered. "You want to know how I meet the people I'm living with?"
"That would be interesting," she said. "You can tell me anything. That's why you come here. To talk out your problems and get help. I..."
"...am so sheltered that I can't understand you." Duo finished for her. "I'm torn between envy and wonder that people like you exist. I know you do, I was living near this little town for the past year. Relena went to visit me and she was just, confused, it was like the war never happened. I liked it because of that. The place I was living in I bought before the war ended, through shadow accounts. It had good memories for me."
"Shadow accounts?" Mina asked.
Duo grinned at her. She noticed that it didn't reach his eyes, it was more a reflex action then anything. "Not going there. But I meet Relena soon after I came to Earth. I stopped Heero from shooting her, because he thought she had seen too much. She spent the rest of the war trying to get him to finish the job. She had some problems too. Une...I was sleepin' with her superior officer. We almost shot each other before we agreed to get along. He was the guy that I poisoned, after I'd been with him." Duo fell silent, smiling at the memories, his eyes softening with some sort of emotion for the first time since Mina had walked in the room. "He knew that I was there on orders. He figured out that something happened our first night, because he was sick the next day. But...I goofed really early with that one, I stopped treating him like an assignment and treated him like a person."
"And why did you do that?" Mina asked automatically.
Duo laughed. "I don't know, really. A number of reasons. T-chan...he was nice to me. He was going through his own problems and he wakes up with a total stranger in bed, who starts doing stuff to him. He...I don't know, he let me do what I came to do, which was to screw him silly. I'm not explaining the logic behind that order from my controller, because I don't want to talk about that yet. T-chan also knew that I was there on orders, I was honest with him about that. I wasn't gonna go with the stupid story that they gave me. But, after I left, I started feeling bad, I used him. I had been used all my life it seemed and when I did it to another person I didn't like it. I sent him flowers and a thank you note."
"Let me get this straight, you crawled into bed with an enemy officer. From what I know of Lady Une, it was Treize Khushrenada, the enemy general, on orders from your own people." Mina started in a confused tone. Perky and cheery had gone from her tone as she listened to Duo, total confusion had replaced them. "And after you had sex with him, you told him you were there on orders and then poisoned him. Afterwards, you sent him flowers and a thank you note."
"Got it down in one." Duo replied, "It was a strange time. Heero just showed up from being dead and we, the pilots started to hit OZ hard. Things were starting to move fast, things were odd all around. And...I mentioned before that everyone else had hooked up. If I hadn't of kept T-chan happy, one of them would have been in there instead. I didn't want that. They were good guys, they never had to do what I did to survive, so I didn't want them to feel cheap and used. But I wasn't much of a sacrifice on my part. T-chan was nice to me. I was lonely and he..." Duo fell silent and hugged himself. "It hurts that he's gone. I feel that it's my fault, like the rest of them were. Solo and the gang because I couldn't steal the vaccine fast enough. Sister Helen and Father Maxwell, because I was too good at fixing stuff, being handy. So they died caught between the Feds and the rebels. T-chan, because like the rest I loved him. everyone that I ever loved has died on me. I know that's part of life, but they always leave you." Duo started rocking back and forth, still hugging himself.
Mina looked at him, wondering what to do next when Duo roused himself from his thoughts. "Do you mind if we stop now?" he asked. "I don't want to talk about it anymore, today."
"That's fine Duo, I'm here for you." She replied quietly. "If you don't' want to talk about it anymore today, you don't have to."
"Do you want me back?" he asked in a soft tone.
Mina shook her head, "The question that should be asked is, do you want to come back?"
Duo was silent again, "Yeah, because I have to get better. And you seem to be nice. I have to learn to tell this to someone, because keeping it inside isn't helping."
"Then I'll see you next week, same time." Mina replied, going back into cheerleader mode.
Internally, she was quaking. It had been kids like Duo that made her stick to the private school kids, she had done her time in the clinics in the city when she was younger and more hopeful. The parade of broken kids had broken her and she retreated to here. Hopefully she could help Duo, he was going to be the challenge of her career. He did have a lot of things going for him, people that cared about him. Knowing that he did need help and was willing to work on it. With time, he might be healed.
End Part 12
Christine
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