July 3, 2000
Howdy! ^_~ This is an all-new story that jumped up and bit me... and I had to start writing it. <:) It's completely unrelated to "The Ties That Bind" or any of my other fiction - it might even be considered an Alternate Universe of sorts. <:) I hope I don't really need to warn you that it's both yaoi and a lemon, meaning that it has sexually explicit male/male interaction. It is also really, REALLY dark - I don't want to ruin it by giving too much away here, but if dark stuff bothers you, please delete the fic unread. ^_^ Any constructive comments, whether positive or negative, public or private, will be gratefully and joyfully received. ^_^
Just for the sake of pretending like I have a legal leg to stand on, I figured I should mention here that I did not create Gundam Wing, that I have no rights to the series and that I mean no disrespect whatsoever to the creator/creators, nor is this story meant to be taken as a claim to either the characters or the situations which were not created by me. Also, I not only have no money, I'm in debt past my eyeballs, and suing me would be pretty durn pointless since there wouldn't be anything to gain by it.
Gee, I hope that does it. ^_~
"Heero, what's the matter?" Quatre asked, brushing an errant lock of hair from his worried blue eyes. The dark-haired boy was seated, as usual, in front of his computer, but he was typing frantically, taut as a bowstring. Quatre was pleased to note that at least Heero was wearing some of the clothes that had been given him; the soft, long-sleeved blue shirt brought out the color in his eyes, and the jeans fit him as though they'd been tailored to suit his lean frame. Quatre only wished there were more he could do for his friends... that by giving them gifts and a place to stay he could somehow ease the hurts they all bore. In focusing his attention on them, he was better able to live with his own soul-deep wounds.
"You seem so different lately," he said softly, and Heero paused in his typing long enough to shy away from Quatre's hand before it could come to rest on his shoulder.
"I'm the same as I always was," he said quietly, his voice layered with levels of... self-recrimination? Quatre's pale brows drew together in a frown of concentration as Heero focused again on the computer screen, the steady clattering of the keys resuming as if there had been no pause.
"Heero, I-"
"Oi! Heero!" Duo called from the doorway, grinning at Quatre as the blond turned to face him. "Am I interrupting anything?"
"No," Heero said flatly, his eyes meeting Quatre's in a gaze that demanded agreement from him.
"Hello, Duo," Quatre said, greeting his cheerful comrade with a smile. "You're not interrupting; we were just talking."
"Oh?" Duo asked, easily crossing the distance to place a hand on the back of Heero's chair. Duo seemed not to be concerned about it, but Quatre couldn't help but notice that Heero had tensed up further at the American's presence, and he stifled the urge to sigh. Those two must have had a fight... again. It was such a shame, Quatre mused. Heero had been making such progress recently, had begun voluntarily opening up to his friends... but suddenly he had shut down again, his eyes full of a torment that Quatre ached to see healed.
"What were you talking about?" Duo asked, smiling at Quatre as though all was right with the world, though his bright violet eyes obviously missed nothing.
"Nothing," Heero said, and again Quatre paused at the sound of his voice, at the levels of darkness in his tone...
"Well, I'm going to go have a nap," Duo said, his announcement a sudden end to the pregnant pause that had followed Heero's terse statement. With another smile, he sauntered out of the room, leaving Quatre to wonder if he was missing something.
The clatter of computer keys abruptly stopped. Heero shut down the computer and then, avoiding Quatre's eyes, followed in the direction Duo had headed. Quatre sighed heavily. He was missing something, all right.
Heero walked slowly up the long flight of stairs, his thoughts growing darker with each step that brought him closer to the top, and the room he shared with Duo. When had it begun, and how? He could barely believe that it had been so short a time; the memory seemed so surreal now, so unconnected to who he was... so pale, his memories, when compared with his guilt. His guilt. That was how it had all begun...
"Took you long enough," Duo said softly as Heero stepped into the room, closing and locking the door behind him. Quatre, ever sensitive to the needs of his friends, had assigned them rooms in a vacant wing of his mansion so that they could have privacy. Heero knew that nobody would disturb them; nobody would overhear what was to come next.
"Are you ready?" Duo asked, and Heero nodded silently. "Don't look so upset, Heero. I'm only doing this to help you, you know."
"Y-yes, I know," Heero whispered.
"Let's begin," Duo said, and Heero crossed the floor to kneel at his feet, his dark head bowed, his hands clenched together tightly.
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," Heero whispered.
"Go on."
"I still bear the guilt for the evil I've done; for the murders I've committed... my hands are stained with blood."
"Do you repent of your sins?"
"I do."
"And are you prepared to atone for them?"
"I... I am."
"All will be well." A hand gently stroked his soft hair, and Heero shivered. "Prepare yourself for your penance."
Heero nodded silently, rose to his feet and began disrobing. As he removed each piece of clothing, he revealed once-smooth skin that now bore welts and bruises, from his neck to his knees. He carefully folded the clothes and crossed the room to lie face-down on the bed, shuddering as Duo brought out the leather cat-o-nine-tails.
"Remember, I only do this to help you," Duo said softly, and then the first blow landed, and Heero's body tensed as he struggled with his body's instinct to fight back or escape. The cat lashed at him again and again, and then he heard Duo's voice, soft and gentle, over the sound of the leather strips whistling through the air.
"You must accept your penance," Duo was saying. "By your stripes you will be healed. With your blood you will pay the debt for the sins you've committed."
Heero nodded, and a tiny whimper escaped his tight throat, and tears boiled behind his eyelids as some part of him still struggled to keep control. Duo seemed to sense this internal struggle, because the lashes came faster and harder, the leather strips torturing his welts all along his back, breaking skin over the tender curves of his buttocks, the sensitive flesh at the backs of his knees...
"Let me hear you," Duo whispered, reassuringly, and Heero groaned softly, and as the whipping intensified his mouth dropped open, and he began to sob. He went limp against the mattress, and barely noticed when it stopped. He was still sobbing when slick fingers pried his legs apart and drove into him without preamble, and he bit his lip as Duo removed those fingers and prepared to enter him.
"Don't..." Heero whispered, but made no effort to get away, his legs sprawled wide apart, his back rigid as he anticipated further pain.
"Be still," Duo answered, and pushed forward in one swift movement that Heero was not, could never be, ready for. Heero's hands clenched fistfuls of bedspread, and he whimpered again as Duo unerringly found that spot inside that drove him mad. Duo's fingers dug into his hips, holding him still, and Duo pounded into him again and again, constantly hitting that sweet spot. Still-slick fingers wormed their way under him to grasp his manhood, and Heero cried out, his body locking up in one long protracted spasm of mingled pain and pleasure after another.
Duo groaned into his ear, and the next thing Heero knew he was lying on his tortured back, clinging desperately to Duo as he wept, his face buried in Duo's hair.
"Is it enough?" he whispered, the tears squeezing out from between tightly-closed eyelids.
"Do you still feel guilty?" Duo whispered directly into his ear. "For the Federation doves, and the little girl?" Heero nodded miserably, unable to answer. "Then it's not finished. It won't be over until you're purged of your guilt."
"Wh-why do you do this?"
Duo licked a tear off of Heero's cheek, then kissed him, his tongue easily sliding between Heero's soft lips. "You ask that every time," he said, leaning back a bit. Heero couldn't seem to move his eyes from Duo's mouth as he spoke, but he couldn't decide which feeling was stronger - the desire to be kissed again, or the fear that Duo would do it. There was both comfort and threat in those kisses. "I'm your friend, Heero, that's why."
Duo leaned in to kiss him, and Heero whispered softly against those captivating lips, "But is this... friends do this?"
"Special friends do," Duo answered. "You want me to be your friend, right, Heero?"
"Ah..." Heero's eyes were shadowed with an emotion that, were it less dark and hurtful, might have been called love.
"And you understand that I have to help you with your guilt... because I'm your friend. When you've purged your guilt from your soul, then you'll be fit for companionship with the others. Not before. I saw you with Quatre."
"I didn't- we didn't do anything! He was only talking!" Heero was quick to explain.
"It doesn't matter, Heero," Duo said, his voice rich with wearied patience. "You did something you weren't supposed to do, and it's another sin you have to suffer for. Don't you understand? Quatre doesn't deserve to be sullied by friendship with you - you have to purify yourself first, to be worthy of being his friend."
"But you... aren't you sullied?" Heero asked, and for the first time in weeks his eyes seemed to focus.
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm helping you," Duo answered. "What greater calling could there be? A man could have no greater love than to help a friend in need."
/He loves me... he does,/ Heero told himself, and a fresh wave of guilt swept over him, that he had so misjudged his friend, his one true, special friend.
"It's time to continue," Duo said softly, his lips just barely brushing against Heero's. "Through the mortification of your flesh you will be purified. With the salt of your tears your wounds will be healed."
"I hate to cry..." Heero whispered, but his eyes were closed, and it was more than likely that he was whispering to himself.
"You have to cry," Duo answered, grabbing Heero's chin and forcing the dark-haired boy to look at him when his eyes opened. Heero froze, like a rabbit captivated by the gaze of the serpent that will shortly devour it. "You have to feel the pain. You have to suffer the pain. If you use your soldierly skill to shut the pain out, it doesn't count. Let your tears come, Heero. You must cry as they have cried - all the people you've brought suffering to. All the women who lost their husbands, men who lost their wives, children who lost their parents to the Perfect Soldier's rage... you must cry for each of them before it will all be over... that's it," he whispered, stroking Heero's cheek with one thumb as the boy's eyes welled up with fresh tears.
"Now, we'll continue," Duo said, and rising he picked the cat up again. He waited as Heero stretched out on the bed, his watery blue eyes gazing blindly up at the ceiling, his skin twitching in anticipation of the pain that he, Duo would inflict. With a gentle, loving smile, Duo raised the cat and began again, his voice rising over the steady rhythm of the leather strips striking skin and the occasional muffled whimper.
"O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because of Thy just punishments..."
That's all for now - thank goodness! <:) Are ya still with me? Interested in seeing more of this monstrosity? <:) Lemme know, Ok?
^_^
Yoiko
Please send comments to: Yoiko