We do not own Gundam Wing, and the characters and situations from the show are used here without permission or license. This fic is not meant to be taken as a claim to copyright, and we mean no disrespect whatsoever to the creators of this wonderful anime series.
Treize sighed as the waitress finally brought his dinner. It wasn't bad enough that they had to eat at this tacky place with the sticky tables -- occasionally, when one was on vacation, one settled for less -- or even that Zechs had requested that they be seated in the smoking section so he could indulge in his filthy habit. It wasn't even so bad being seated next to a boisterous, noisy group of young men who were thankfully on the other side of a wicker partition, or even that there were no roses in this section of the country. No, the worst was this. He stared glumly at his plate which had just arrived, the steam rising invitingly from the food... which was touching. At least the loud group had settled down as soon as their food had arrived.
Heero looked at his food, absently noticed that it was touching and began to shovel it into his mouth with his usual efficiency. Trowa merely looked at the food, which he plainly wasn't going to eat whether it touched or not. Quatre's food did not touch but he stifled a sigh as the waitress set a steaming cup of tea in front of him and watched expectantly. Not wishing to be rude, he fixed the tea with lemon and plenty of sugar, then took a judicious sip. Satisfied, the waitress left. Quatre promptly poured the tea into a nearby potted palm.
Wufei glared at Quatre's plate, noticing that the blond's food wasn't touching. His food touched. Where was the justice in that!? He glared at his own plate and didn't eat.
Duo, noting that his food touched, cheerfully stirred the whole plate into a huge mess and wolfed it down, pausing only to empty the jelly jar onto the pile.
Heero, Wufei, Quatre and Trowa glared because the jelly was gone. Then they each pretended not to know Duo or have any idea why the strange boy had seated himself at their table.
Night fell at last and Trowa was the first to fall asleep. Quatre groaned and pulled his pillow over his head as Trowa's nightly diatribe began.
"Why does everyone care if their food touches? I don't care if *my*food touches; I'm not going to eat it anyway," Trowa mumbled, fast asleep. "But I would have liked the jelly. I would have eaten jelly if Duo hadn't taken all of it. And what the hell's wrong with Heero lately? I don't know what his problem is, but I can't live with Heero this way! And Quatre and the tea! He never drinks the tea. Why do they always bring him tea? And what's the deal with Wufei and that hair? Get a grip, get a haircut, get a life! Always talking about justice and he doesn't even know what the word means. Justice would be getting to eat the jelly once in a while! And speaking of haircuts, look at Duo! That hippie! And if Heero glares at me *one* more time just because Heavyarms runs out of ammo...."
Quatre groaned.
Duo stared up at the ceiling shrouded in darkness, ignoring the steady rise and fall of Trowa's voice. Heero had made several off-center comments before dinner and Duo had to wonder. Was it a ghost of a smile he had seen... or did Heero just have gas? Was he serious or had he actually been joking? If it was a joke then Heero's wit was dry and sarcastic but wouldn't that be just like Heero? Then again, did he even know what humor was? Was it serious or joking?
Was it live or was it Memorex!?!?!?
Heero stared up into the same darkness and shivered. Alone with his thoughts in the dark of the night, he could sense... IT. IT was coming for him. Somehow, IT always knew where he was.... Somewhere in the night, the creature known as Relena had figured out where he was. He couldn't admit to being afraid in front of his fellow pilots, but here in the darkness, he shivered with terror. IT was coming.
Quatre pulled the pillow off of his head and glared up into the darkness.
"He's right. Why DO they always bring me tea?" he muttered. "I never ask for tea, I've never WANTED tea! But everywhere I go, people always bring TEA and then they watch to make sure I'm drinking it! I don't even LIKE tea!"
Wufei sighed as his own dreams started to take an unusual turn. "All rise, the Honorable Judge Chang Wufei presiding!"
Carrying himself proudly, Wufei stalked into the room, his long dark robes sweeping the floor as he climbed to his seat of judgment. "Your Honor, the defendant in this case is Mr. Jones, a man who drives slow in the fast lane and who pees on the seat in public restrooms."
"Make him sit on the seat and revoke his driver's licence. JUSTICE!" Wufei banged the gavel with a loud clap and watched in satisfaction as the man was dragged away in tears.
"Your Honor, the next defendant has made his fortune by exploiting women in pornographic magazines!"
"Well, if they were weak enough to allow themselves to be exploited, they probably deserved it. Case dismissed. JUSTICE!" And the gavel banged again.
"Our next defendant, your Honor, is Mr. Prestidigitation Jackson, a famous basketball player who has bragged of having unprotected sex with a thousand women even though he is HIV-positive."
"But if they were weak enough to do it, they were asking for it, right, your Honor?" The defendant asked with a grin.
"Assault with a deadly weapon," Wufei announced. "And you don't have a license to use that thing. Cut it off. JUSTICE!" *BANG!*
"Your Honor, the Court presents Mr. Micky Johnson, a pop star accused of molesting young boys in his fantasy-land home."
"Your Honor, I didn't do it, I swear!" the defendant chirped in a weepy falsetto.
"Beat him. Give him a reason to cry. JUSTICE!" *BANG!*
Your Honor, the Court presents Mr. Duo Maxwell, a food-mixer and jelly thief.."
"Off with his braid. JUSTICE!" *BANG!*
"Your Honor, the next defendant is Mr. Quatre Raberba Winner, a tea-drinker whose food never touches."
"Mix his food together. JUSTICE!" *BANG!*
"The Court presents Mr. Heero Yuy, who is so much of a tight-ass he gives all his teammates fits."
"Give him an enema. JUSTICE! *BANG!*
"Your Honor, the Court presents Mr. Treize Khushrenada, who wants to f--- you black and blue."
".....Let me be on top! JU~USTICE!" *BANG!*
Meanwhile, Zechs glared over at Treize, who had suddenly shuddered for no apparent reason. From down the hall, the noise of that boisterous group from dinner had kept him awake for the past five hours.
"OH MY GOD, IT'S COMING!"
"Was it a joke or wasn't it!?!?"
"And another thing, it's not *MY* fault that I ran out of ammo, it's just that there were more people to SHOOT this time around!"
"Why does it always have to be TEA!?!?!"
"JUSTICE!"
"I'm never gonna get to sleep," Zechs muttered. He was sincerely grouchy, particularly over the tea complaints. HE had wanted tea, a nice lovely cup of tea with lemon and perhaps a little sugar, but no one had brought *HIM* any tea! Noo~ooo.....
"Lightning Baron, I'm famished. Fetch me a candy bar."
"We're in the same room, Treize. You don't have to use the intercom."
"I'm hungry."
"Well why didn't you eat dinner?"
"THE FOOD TOUCHED! GET ME A CANDY BAR! Oh, and fetch the tea and justice boys on your way back...."
"Oro!?"
"WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE TEEEEE~AAAAAA!?!?!?!?"
^_^
Yoiko and Tzi-chan!}}
'What Keeps You Awake Nights' won the 1999 Nanashi Comedy award
Please send comments to: Yoiko