Title : Tears Of Pearls
Song fiction : Savage Garden
Written by : Whiteangel
Created : 23/04/00
Finished in : 16/05/00
Author's note:
This is about Heero and Duo. Sigh.. this is a beautiful song to begin with and thus I had written two versions, one for Wufei and the other for Duo^^ Besides that, this is a teaser for the fic <Love of my life>^^ Yup yup, this will explain how Heero left Duo. I wanted to write a full fic, but when I saw this music, I've decided to transform the fic into a songfic. Hope you all like it!!^^
If there was something they could have done, would they avoided it? Can Anyone avoid his destiny with the same ease with which he avoids making a repeated mistake? Can anyone quit? If put in front of the crucial decision of loving and dying or die without loving, what would they have done...?
Two creatures that represented the opposing sides of human soul were about to commit the bitterest mistake of their still extremely young lives.
A child. A youth.
Making a mistake that was irreversible, etched in their memory, never to be erased by sands of time....
~ Interlude ~
~And we stare each other down like victims in the grind
Probing all the weakness and hurt still left behind and we cry~
This day had finally came..... I've never thought that there will be day where you and I will come to this....... Must you really do this?? Must you?? No... I mustn't be soft hearted at this crucial moment. Time has come for us to part.... Yet, why am I feeling this hurt?? Why am I so unsure of myself?? Must you treat me this way, you heartless creature?? Is this the only best way?? Please answer me, you bloody bastard!!!!
I gazed at the closed door . You had walked out of me through that door. That door, it was a cursed thing. It let you out, it did not keep you in.... But then, what good did it have if it kept you here when your heart no longer belongs to me?
I broke down, I cried... I could not help myself.... After so many months of being together, you still did not know me, the real me, the one behind all that joviality, all that smiles.... I am so disappointed in you... I truly am... yet I could not help myself falling in love with you. You had that much hold on me.. Tell me, don't I have that much hold on you too?? Tell me, Heero, tell me.....
~The tears of pearls~
" Sayonara..."
Was that all you had to say to me?? Goodbye? Just goodbye? I had once thought that nothing would ever hurt me this badly after those deaths at the Maxwell church. Humph! Apparently, I was wrong. How could a mere separation hurt me so badly?! I looked around at the cabin we once shared, before you decided to leave me for that Peacecraft girl. You said you could not leave her, could not choose between us. You've also said that I'm the only you ever loved. But how can that be, when you chose to live with her rather than with me?? How can you bear to let my heart shatter into million pieces? How could you?! No... no more pain, no more hurt, no more misery, and most importantly, no more crying for you... My tears should have dried up by now. But...whenever I close my eyes, you would always appear in my mind. Like a ghostly apparition that refuses to leave. The image of you softly whispers my name whenever you thought that I was fast asleep. The sound of your throaty, but slightly nasal voice whispering my name, so soft, and so filled with tenderness. The way you swept my fringe away from my forehead and kissed me so sweetly between my brows... Do not tell me those were false too. I knelt down, defeated. I knew we could not last forever... Nothing lasts forever... But I really thought that what we had was special and that was enough to bind us together.. I was wrong.
"Oh God!! I'm so sorry, so sorry about falling in love with him. So sorry about being in a relationship with him..." Though my mouth was speaking those words out, I know deep down in my heart, I thought otherwise. I looked up to the ceiling with a resigned expression in my eyes. I knew I was tired, tired of always chasing after Heero's shadows, a figment of his being. Yet, I needed him...
"Oh God....."
"We do it. Oh we do it."
(A few hours earlier)
"Oh God... This is not true... Please... please tell me you are lying...."
"I'm sorry...."
"Sorry?! Is that you are going to say to me?!?!"
"...."
"Damn it!! Heero, speak to me!!"
"..."
"Heero!"
"Damn it, Duo!! What do you want me to say?!"
For once in my lifetime, I cannot think of anything to say to him. Heero banged his fist on the wall as he bowed his head towards the wall.
"I love you, Duo... I really do......But.. but there are things I...I cannot bring myself to ...to forget...."
"You mean, the fact that we are both male?" I retorted sarcastically.
"No, Duo... well... yes."
I looked away, hurt beyond any words to describe it. The truth was hard to bear, especially what we had been through. All those intimate moments we've shared, you are still leaving me?? Leaving me for that one person who had nothing in common with you, who doesn't know how you had lived for the past sixteen years of your life, who shared none of your dreams, who didn't understand what was like to be a soldier, who didn't know what its like to be stripped of your childhood. I have nothing to say.... nothing at all...
"Fine, if that is what suits you best.... Just go....."
"Duo..."
"..."
"Duo?"
"Just leave!! God Damn it!!!!" I yelled, I could not contained the tears that were threatening to fall. "Just...leave..."
"Sayonara...."
Heero then turned and left. I just stood there dumbly, tears slowly seeping through my eyelids. I could not think, could not react.. my whole body was numbed with sorrow, I wished fervently that all this was not true and that it was a bad dream. However, it was real.
"Is love really the tragedy the way you might describe?"
Never had I felt so dejected, its like the whole world had just turned against me... I had no place to go, I only had you, Heero, only you... You had betrayed me, just because you could not reconcile the fact that we were guys. You've once told me that you thought love was a burden until you've met me. You've said that I was a saviour, redeeming your soul, saving your wretched heart. I began to laugh hysterically, I was a fool.... I actually believed you, really put in my all into this worthless piece of shit relationship. I was a fool to believe that you, a cold and aloof Mr. Perfect Soldier would actually have feelings for me, actually melted by my passion of fire..... I was the only who ever get close to you, both physically and emotionally. I was wrong, man.... downright wrong!! That Peacecraft girl was then the one! Damn it!!! I banged my fist on the floor repeatedly, cursing my own foolishness.
"Damn you, Heero!!!!!!!!!"
~Or would a thousand lovers still leave you cold inside?
Make you cry...
These tears of pearls~
(Heero)
I stared at the closed door, the one I've closed it myself. Jesus, why did things turned out this way?? I've thought that we could be together, but I knew otherwise. Duo, do not get me wrong. I've never despise the fact that you were a guy... Its just that, I never really thought about spending my life with you or anybody. In my sixteen years, I've lived for the sake of war and war only. I also thought that I would die as a causality of war but that was not the case. I did not wish to hurt you, not like this or in other ways. I just... I could not lived a life as a civilian. I am a soldier for Goodness' sake. I could not metamorphose myself into a civilian. You can. You have been a civilian before, though only for a short period. But you can forget the period where you've been a merciless soldier. I could not.... I was trained to be a soldier right from birth. I grew up in a lab, I've known no warmth, no compassion... Though you have taught me love, taught me how to feel, taught me how to laugh, how to live life...You've also taught me there's life outside war... I really looked forward to it after war, but I can't bring myself to live it. The training was too deeply instilled in me. Forgive me, Duo... Forgive my weakness..... I need to run away from you, to give myself some time to think it over, to try to figure out what I really want, and to train myself in the life of a civilian. Give me time, Duo... give me time to change... I'll come back to you, I promise.. Give me time..
I silently vowed as I took my luggage off the floor.
"Love you, Duo..." I whispered, "Sorry for making you cry......."
~All these mixed emotions we keep locked away like stolen pearls
Stolen pearl devotions we keep locked away from all the world~
( Duo)
I looked around the cabin, giving a last glance over. I needed to leave. I do not belong here, not anymore.....
"Goodbye...."
~Your kisses are like pearls, so different and so rare
But anger stole the jewels away and love has left you bare,
Made you cry...
These tears of pearls~
(On the shuttle to L1)
~Heero~
If this was a mistake, would I avoided it? Truthfully, I am not sure of the answer. Ever since the war had ended, I had been searching for the answer, the only one that could unlock the padlock inside my heart, enabling me to be free. Perhaps, I was wrong to make this decision to leave you. However, If I don't... I might not find myself. I might even not know the reason for living anymore. Can I avoid my destiny with the same ease with which one avoids making a repeated mistake? No, Duo... it is impossible. No one can ever avoid the destiny which had been determined, but one can avoid making the same mistake. Therefore, I want to change my destiny, I want to break free of the 'Perfect soldier' mould. Duo, stand with me, I need your understanding, your support. Please don't hate me, please don't..... I could not bear with it... I rather die if you are not there for me.... So please, wait for me.... Stay around until I had found myself. I have no wish to make you cry... truly.
Give me time, Duo... give me time to change... I'll come back to you, I promise.. Give me time..
~Well, I could be the tired joker pour my heart to get you in
Sacrifice my happiness just so I could win
Maybe cry...
These tears of pearls~
(On the shuttle to L2)
~Duo~
If there was something I could have done to savage the situation, would he avoided it? Frankly, I am not sure.... I'm not even sure whether I knew what was on his mind now. Oh God... If we were put in front of the crucial decision of loving and dying or die without loving, what would we have done... have chosen...?
~All these mixed emotions we keep locked away like stolen pearls Stolen pearls devotions we keep locked away from all the world~
I felt as if I had been to hell.... With you leaving me, I felt there was nothing worth leaving. Its like an emptiness that can never be filled. You are the only link I had with this world. Without you, I'm nothing.... Can't you see that, Heero? Are you so blind not to see how my heart aches for you? No... you cannot see it... Because your eyes are on someone else. You no longer belongs to me... no, actually you had never belonged to me. Goodbye, Heero... Goodbye...
~We twist and turn where angles burn
Like fallen soldiers we will learn
That once forgotten, twice removed
Love will be the death...
The death of you
All these mixed emotions we keep locked away like stolen pearls
Stolen pearls devotions we keep locked away from all the world~
~Owari~
Whiteangel
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