28-Jun-2000
Title: One More Minute
Author: Truth
Category: Humor/Parody
Notes: This is another bizarre little vid/fic piece of humor.
Requested by and written for Diane (with thanks for your helpful comments).
Bizarre mental images courtesy
of Rhina-hime and her less helpful comments....
Warnings: Shonen Ai. Implied adult themes. Violence. Extreme
OCC and strange behavior. A moment of squickiness.....
Rating: At least PG-13
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing does not belong to me and neither does
One More Minute which is a by Weird Al Yankovic.
Summary: Relena gets what she wants, only to discover
that she's stumbled into the middle of something that
she hadn't bargained for.
Song lyrics are denoted by --
Our video opens with a shot of Heero with a smug looking Relena on his arm. He is helping her into her pink limo while Pagan struggles with a heavy duffle bag that has guns sticking out of it, and a green tank top trailing from one partially zippered end. With a final heave, he manages to get it into the trunk of the car. Massaging his aching back, he goes to the front of the car and climbs in.
Relena's voice: Oh Heero! We're going to be so happy together! This is a dream come true!
*and the music begins*
--Well, I heard that you're leavin', Gonna leave me far behind,--
The limo drives off, leaving a deserted drive in front of a deserted house. Or is it? There appears to be a shadowed figure behind those bushes.... And another one peering through the upstairs curtains.... And another one leaning out of that tree....
--'Cause you found a brand new lover, You decided that I'm not your kind,--
There are several shadowed figures huddled around a video screen, which is showing the limo driving down a long road toward a huge mansion. A fist comes down hard on the table, causing the display to lose the picture and become a mass of static.
--So I pulled your name out of my Rolodex,--
Catherine, her eyes brimming with tears, is throwing knives at a tiny, rectangular piece of paper which has been fixed to her normal target backstop. In seconds, you cannot even see the Rolodex card for the number of knives driven through it.
--And I tore all your pictures in two,--
Treize is lounging rather picturesquely in a window sill, staring off into space and slowing ripping picture after picture of Heero Yuy into tiny little pieces. He drops each piece out the window, letting the fragments be carried away by the wind.
--And I burned down the malt shop where we used to go,
Just because it reminds me of you.--
Duo is walking down a street, his hands in his pockets and whistling. He turns the corner and heads away into the sunset as an inoffensive ice cream parlor goes up in multi-colored flames and a small mushroom cloud behind him.
--That's right, you ain't gonna see me cryin'.--
Une is staring at herself in the mirror, her hair down and her face sad. As her eyes brim with unshed tears, she pulls down the picture of Heero taped to the mirror and places it in a drawer. From the same drawer, she pulls a pair of glasses and slides them on. Her expression hardens, and the threatened tears vanish. Reaching into the drawer again, she pulls out a her little pink ribbons, which she keeps wrapped around a clip for her pistol - for safe-keeping.
--I'm glad that you found somebody new,--
Quatre is sitting moodily in a field, playing he-loves -me, he-loves-me-not. As the camera pulls back, we can see that, judging by the huge pile of de-nuded daisys, he has been at it for quite some time....
--'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of
broken glass, Than spend one more minute with you.--
Wufei appears to be doing dishes in a bright, airy kitchen. As the camera zooms in, we see that he is actually slowly and carefully breaking every dish in the kitchen. He is wearing a rather disturbing smile....
--I guess I might seem kinda bitter.--
Dorothy has gotten hold of a _VERY_ large sword from somewhere or other and is methodically destroying her suite and shrieking like a fishwife. Behind her is a large portrait of Relena in formal clothes with a giant tear down the middle.
--You got me feelin' down in the dumps.--
Relena's fan club is gathered together and sobbing hysterically into their respective hankies.
--'Cause I'm stranded all alone in the Gas Station of
Love, And I have to use the self-service pumps!--
Dr. J is thoughtfully regarding a rather - umm - interesting device with lots of nozzles and a picture of Heero taped to it.
--Oh, so honey, let me help you with that suitcase.--
Sally is digging in her closet, dragging out a small pile of spandex and olive green and jamming them into a box labeled 'Heero Yuy'. A gun falls out of the pile and she regards it for a moment before picking it up, an evil gleam in her eyes, and proceeding to blow away the entire pile of discarded clothing. She is laughing with maniacal glee.
--You ain't gonna break my heart in two.--
Rashid and Abdul have joined Quatre and his by-now mountainous pile of stripped daisys. The three men are sitting in a row, playing he-loves-me, he-loves-me- not. As the camera angle changes, you can just barely make out one of Sandrock's feet peeking out from under the edge of the mound of dead flowers.
--'Cause I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts
on my face, Than spend one more minute with you.--
Zechs, his mask lying carelessly on his desk, has a large bottle of wine in front of him. On the desk is a tiny brazier. Inside is a picture of Relena and Heero, which is curling and turning black. As he sips his wine, a tiny smile on his face, it bursts into flames. The ashes swirl around for a moment before settling on the desk. Through the open window behind him, you can see little pieces of ripped up photographs drifting down from above.
--I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork,
Than watch you going out with other men.--
Trowa has set up an easel with a picture of Relena on it in the center of the lion cage. All the lions are seated in a row, their heads cocked to one side, as he lectures. You can see the occasional knife flying past on the far side of the cage.
--I'd rather slam my fingers in a door,
Again and again and again and again and again.--
Hilde comes storming into the kitchen where Wufei has managed to create a substantial pile of broken crockery, and slams the door behind her. She takes one look at the destruction, and smiles. Without a word, she disappears, only to return moments later with a large box of empty bottles. She and Wufei exchange a look of total understanding, and he helps her position the bottles so that she can smash them with the door. They explode quite satisfactorily.
--Aw, can't you see what I'm tryin' to say, darlin'--
Heero and Relena are sitting together on a couch, feeding each other peeled grapes from a bowl held by Pagan. The butler/chauffeur is grinding his teeth and fantasizing about upending the entire bowl over the nauseating pair.
--I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches,--
Duo and Sally walk into the kitchen to find Wufei and Hilde seated back to back in the midst of the destruction. Exchanging knowing looks, the four put their heads together.
--Shove an ice pick under a toenail or two.--
Treize is seated at his desk, frowning at Noin, Une, Zechs and Dorothy who are lined up in front of him. With a sudden, decisive gesture, he rises to his feet and stalks from the room. The group hurries after him.
--I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central
Station with my tongue,--
Catherine and Trowa are accosted at their various circus tasks by Relena's fan club and the whole group gathers for a moment by the knife-throwing target, which is now sporting enough cutlery for a kitchen-ware store.
--Than spend one more minute with you.--
Rashid, Abdul and Quatre suddenly all stand up and go striding away from the field which has been completely stripped of daisies.
--Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks,--
Dr. J has a five way video conference call with O, S, H and G.
--Or stick my nostrils together with Krazy Glue.--
As Duo, Wufei, Sally and Hilde pile out of the mini-van that Duo hi-jacked, a long limo pulls up and Treize, Une, Noin, Dorothy and Zechs join them on the long, tree-lined driveway. As they wait, a bus pulls up and Catherine, Trowa, the lions and Relena's fan club all pile out. A trio of camels arrives next, and Abdul, Quatre and Rashid join the party. Moments later, the five doctors drop out of the sky in a rather strange looking space ship. With identical determined looks, the entire horde heads for the lovely mansion at the far end of the drive, where Pagan opens the door for them and ushers them in.
--I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with
double-edged razor blades, Than spend one more minute
with you.--
Heero whispers something into Relena's ear, gets up and leaves their spacious bedroom. After a moment, she wakes up, turns over and stretches. She opens her eyes to find her bed surrounded by angry looking people with guns, bazookas, knives, lions, swords, strange looking devices and flame throwers. There even appears to be a Gundam staring in the bedroom window.
--I'd rather rip my heart right out of my rib cage with
my bare hands and then throw it on the floor and stomp
on it till I die...--
Heero comes up the stairs with the breakfast tray in his hands to find Relena packing his things. He drops the tray and looks at her, heartbroken.
--Than spend one more minute with you.--
With a forced smile and shaking hands, she hands him his bag and shows him the door. The screen goes black.
Relena's voice: I'm sorry Heero. You're not meant to be tied down *gulp* to just one person.... It's for the best, really.
*sound of door slamming*
Treize's voice: All right. Now that we're all even again, whose turn was it?
End
Oh dear.
I have no _idea_ where some of that came from.....
Truth
Please send comments to: dhaunea@yahoo.com