21-Jun-2000
This is a bizzare little vid/fic piece of humor that occurred to me at work today.
Shounen Ai, I do believe. Implied adult themes. Hinted bad language. OCC and strange behavior. And Heero in leather. It's not important to the plot, but I thought it would be fun.
Gundam Wing does not belong to me and neither does Midnight Star which is an original song by Weird Al Yankovic.
Song lyrics are denoted by --
Important public service message denoted by ----->
As the lights go up on our little vid/fic, we hear extremely perky music.
Duo Maxwell, clad in tight black jeans and a black dress shirt with a white tie wrapped loosely round his neck, is waiting in a line. He has sunglasses on and is wearing a long, black leather coat. The load of cookies, chips and other assorted junk food in his arms gives a splash of color to his dark clothing, and he is dangling a six pack of Mountain Dew from one hand.
--I was waiting in the express lane with my twelve items or less,
At the checkout counter at the local grocery store.--
The line isn't moving forward very quickly, and Duo is obviously becoming bored. He shifts his weight a few times, and then begins to browse among the racks on either side of the checkout line. He is looking over the tops of his sunglasses at the magazine display when his eyes suddenly widen.
--I was only passin' by,
But a paper caught my eye,
And I learned a few things I never knew before.--
Duo Maxwell, the king of cool, drops his entire load of snacks on the floor, managing to hit his own foot squarely with the six pack. Cursing and hopping on his uninjured foot, he snags the paper that caused his accident and pushes his way through the line to the register, leaving his pile of snacks behind. Thrusting some money at the clerk, he vaults the counter (landing on the wrong foot and wincing) and takes off as fast as he can limp.
--It said, "Your pet may be an extraterrestrial."
It said, "The ghost of Elvis is living in my den.--
Heero Yuy is leaning against a building, resting in the warm, afternoon sun. He is wearing black leather pants and a white t-shirt. His short leather jacket is slung carelessly over one shoulder, and his sunglasses conceal his eyes. As he stares off at the horizon, the door to his left is swung violently open. He turns quickly to behold Duo, limping a bit, a newspaper clutched firmly in one hand.
--You can learn to cope with stress,
And you can beat the IRS,--
Duo gets right in Heero's face and begins to shout. Heero shoves his sunglasses on top of his head in order to glare more effectively at Duo's ranting and raving. Finally losing patience, Heero snatches the paper from Duo and takes a good look at the front page. His expression changes only minutely, but he immediately begins shouting back at his braided partner.
--And the incredible frog boy is on the loose again!"--
The argument is brought to a sudden end by Heero pulling his sunglasses back down over his eyes, grabbing Duo by the arm and dragging him away.
--Oh, Midnight Star!
It's in the weekly Midnight Star.--
Duo is clutching Heero by the waist as they go flying down the highway on the back of a classic Harley Davidson. Duo's long braid and coat blowing in the wind as he shouts in Heero's ear. Heero appears to be ignoring his passenger, but his expression is grim. Well, grimmer than usual, anyway.
--Aliens from outer space are sleeping in my car.
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know.--
------>KIDS! Do not ever ride a motorcycle without a helmet. In hospital emergency rooms they call such people MODs. That's Mobile Organ Donors. That's right kiddies. In Minnesota, only two groups were against a helmet law. An organization of motorcyclists and the American Kidney Association. ALWAYS wear a helmet.<------
Duo and Heero appear to have reached some sort of agreement, as they burst through the front door of an exclusive restaurant in lock-step. They brush past the Maitre D' and storm into the restaurant proper.
--Eat jelly doughnuts and lose twenty pounds a day.
Hear the story of the man born without a head.--
Seated at a small table for two and obviously enjoying himself, is Quatre Raberba Winner. He is wearing a white button down shirt with dark blue slacks and a matching vest. Heero and Duo march up to his table and slap the paper down in front of him, heedless of the stares of the other diners. The young men then fold their arms and give the blonde boy a set of matching glares.
--And top psychics all agree
That the telephone company--
Quatre gives them a puzzled look, and with a sigh, picks up the paper. He is just taking a sip from his glass when the banner headline registers. He spits the mouthful of liquid across the table.
-Will have a brand new service that lets you talk to the dead.--
Trowa Barton chooses that moment to return to the table. His own outfit is comprised of black slacks and a dark green dress shirt. He begins to read over Quatre's shoulder. After a moment, he snatches the paper from the blonde boy for a closer look. His eye narrows as he scans the front page.
--Oh, Midnight Star!
You can believe it if you read it in the weekly Midnight Star.--
Heero and Duo exchange dark glances. Trowa joins them, paper in hand, and all three look at Quatre. With a sigh, Quatre snaps his fingers for the bill.
--They're keeping Hitler's brain alive inside a jar.
Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know.--
As the four boys leave the restaurant, they are almost run down by a pink limousine that pulls to a screeching halt in front of them. Relena and Dorothy (wearing rather short skirts and matching pink sweaters) leap out of the car. The boys recover from their shock, Heero removing Quatre's arms from around his neck and Trowa forcing Duo to release his deathgrip on the taller boy's head. Dorothy and Relena begin waving their own copy of the newspaper and shouting. Duo shows them his own copy and significant glances are exchanged. All six young people pile into the limo, which takes off in a cloud of burned rubber.
--(Tell me, tell me, tell me how to make my bust line grow.)
Midnight Star, I wanna know...--
Meanwhile, at a nearby grocery store, Noin and 'civilian' Une are shopping and laughing together. They near the checkout and find a place in line. Une looks over a notices a newspaper headline, turns pale, her eyes roll up in her head and she passes out.
--Oh, Midnight Star!
Well, don'tcha know that I read it, I read it in the weekly Midnight Star.--
Noin manages to revive Une, who immediately pulls out a pair of glasses and slides them on. With a look of grim determination, she grabs the newspaper and hauls Noin out of the store.
--The UFO's have landed and we'll tell you where they are.--
Somewhere along the way, Une found time to change into her full military outfit and do her hair. Right now, she is driving down the highway at about mach 10 in a corvette stingray convertible. Taking the corners on two wheels she is explaining something to Noin. Noin is very pale (though it is not clear if this is from Une's driving style, or the headline of the newpaper that she has resting in her lap).
--Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know,
Midnight Star.--
Zechs is busy polishing one of Tallgeese's feet when Une's car skids to a stop behind him. He drops to the ground as Une and Noin storm up and begin shouting. He gets a good look at the newspaper that they are holding up and sinks to the ground, looking like someone has just punched him in the stomach. (Well, for all we can tell under that mask).
--Well, you can read all about it in the weekly Midnight Star.
You can use your ESP to learn to play guitar.--
The video screen splits.
On the right, we have the pink limo screeching to a halt and six young people leaping out. They rush into the house that they are parked in front of and up a flight of stairs, Heero and Duo in the lead, Quatre and Relena bringing up the rear.
On the left, Noin, Une and Zechs burst into Treize's study.
--I wanna know, I wanna know.--
On the right, the four pilots and their two accomplices have surrounded Wufei, who was sitting on the floor with a book. They are brandishing the paper in his face.
On the left, Une is leaning across Treize's desk and shouting while Zechs is to her left and Noin to her right. Noin and Zechs are nodding to punctuate Une's shouting. The paper is spread out in front of Treize.
--I wanna know, I wanna know.--
With identical expressions of disdain, Wufei and Treize pick up their respective papers and scan them. Then they flip them over. From both sides of the screen, we read, "OZ General has secret Gundam Lover. Pilot of Gundam 05 Tells All!"
--I wanna know, I wanna know.--
Wufei and Treize, from their respective sides of the screen, then each flip a page. Now the paper on the right says, "Queen of the World by Day, Bondage B***c By Night!" The paper on the left reads "The Lightning Count is the Father of my Siamese Quintuplets!"
--I wanna know, I wanna know.
Inquiring minds like mine wanna know...--
Without missing a beat, Wufei and Treize each flip a few more pages and hold up the papers again. This time the paper on the right says "How the Pilot of Gundam 02 stole my Arabian Prince!". The paper on the left says "Lady Une is a Transsexual!". With another expert flip of the page, Wufei's paper reads "How to Love a Circus Clown, by Heero Yuy!". Treize's paper says, "Noin Admits to Being a Stalker! "It's an Addiction," Pleads Top OZ Aide!".
--I wanna know, I wanna know.--
As Wufei and Treize each move to turn yet another page, hands slam down on the paper and forcibly remove it. Wufei looks up with a cynical sneer at Relena and Duo as they forcibly shred the newspaper. Treize raises a mocking eyebrow as Une folds the paper neatly and tucks it under one arm.
--I wanna know, I wanna know.--
The miserably embarrassed cast slinks from their respective sides of the screen, leaving Wufei alone in his room, and Treize alone in his office. After everyone is gone, Treize rises and locks the door to his office.
--I wanna know, I wanna know.--
With a slight smile, Wufei unfolds himself from his comfortable position on the floor and walks to the left edge of the split screen. Treize, on his side, has finished locking the main door to his office and walks to the right edge of his side of the split screen. With a slight push, Wufei pops across the barrier to Treize's side of the screen. They share a warm embrace.
--I wanna know, I wanna know.--
Wufei: They'll never believe it, now.
Treize: One of your brighter ideas, I do believe.
Wearing identical smirks, they depart Treize's office through the other door.
I have no idea where that came from, but I had fun writing it.
Truth
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