Gomen, about the crossposting. This is from a series of emails Herve and I sent back and forth.
Normal disclaimers apply.
Quatre: It's not fair, you're doing two stories where Duo is the main character. When do I get some screen time?
Pern: I'm sorry Quatre. I didn't realize that you were feeling left out.
Quatre: Well I am. ::pouts::
Pern: Listen, you get plenty of screen time in that big fic I'm writing.
Quatre: But you haven't written on that in a month!
Pern: That's because I've been distracted. School still comes first you know. I promise I'll do a fic where you're the main character.
Quatre: Really? ::Pern nods:: Arigatou. Soon I hope.
Pern: As soon as finals are over.
Quatre: That could be years. ::goes back to pouting::
Herve : Quatre, I'm sorry that you feel neglected. But I'm going to make amends.
Quatre : I don't believe you. I know that you intend to pair me with Relena in your Kimagure Gundam Road.
Herve : It was Kurai's idea.... Besides, I give you my Great Priest of Romance's word of honour.
Quatre : Really? ::big puppy eyes::
Herve : Sure ! What about a songfic. I already have the song : And I Love You So (Don McLean) performed by Elvis.
Quatre : Keep talking, I'm interested!!
Herve : Well there's two little problem. First I need someone to write it. Second I don't know who'll be your soul mate in this one. Who do you prefer Trowa or Duo ?
Quatre : Well ....
Trowa : QUATRE RABERBA WINNER HOW COULD YOU HESITATE BETWEEN ME AND DUO
Duo : Someone talk about me ?
Heero grabs Duo's braid : FORGET ABOUT IT QUATRE ! DUO IS MINE!!!
Herve : Quatre has the right to choose...
Heero : Omae O korosu!
Herve : Don't threaten me, or I personally write you a Relena x Dr J x Heero Threesome.
Heero : You wouldn't dare.....
Herve : Wanna bet?
Wufei : Heero don't mess with him. Pern has teached him how to successfully and painfully beat us. Besides, he has joined the Hentai side of the Force....
Duo : There's an hentai side of the force?
Wufei : Of course you moron! Didn't you hear that Tigress Pern and him are the most feared generals of the Hentai Empire.
Heero : Hentai side of the force or not, Duo is mine. And any one who messed with me or Duo must die.
::Suddenly we can hear the Star Wars Imperial March as the sky becomes more and more dark::
Herve : So you dare challenge me ? Bwahahahaha Stupid fool. Here what you deserve.
::Herve's hands throws Green lightning and suddenly a kingsized bed with a naked Relena and Dr J appears, while an also naked Heero slowly rejoins them by flying::
Heero : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Relena and Dr J : YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!
Duo : We must summon Pern before it'll be too late. Only she can calm Herve.
Quatre : Yes but how ?
Trowa : We need a ritual sacrifice
::Wufei, tries discreetly to escape, but Duo and Trowa pounce on him and tie him::
Wufei : No ! Let me go dishonorable curs! Why me again?
Duo is now covering a naked Wufei with whipped cream : Because, she has a soft spot for you. Now shut up!
Trowa, Duo and Quatre : We summon you Pern, Great Mistress of Insanity and feared Queen of the Hentai force. We need your help. Here's the ritual sacrifice!
::There's another green lightning then Tigress Pern appears::
Pern : Someone called me ?
Duo: Yes, O Great Queen of the Hentai force. Herve has placed Heero in a Relena x Dr. J threesome!
::points to bed::
Quatre: Please save him.
::Pern dips finger into whipcream and tastes it:: You guys forgot the chocolate sauce. ::Duo, Trowa, and Quatre pale::
Wufei: Chocolate sauce?! Oh, god no!
Pern: And the strawberries. ::Duo, Trowa, and Quatre turn sheet white::
Duo: so you won't save Heero?
Heero: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!
Relena: Oh, Heero, you're so strong.
Dr.J: Call me Big Papa!
Heero: NOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
::Pern, arching an eyebrow:: Um, if you guys get the strawberries and the chocolate sauce within the next five minutes, I'll save Heero.
D/T/Q: YEAH!!!!
Wufei: Kisama! Where are you going?!
Quatre: To get the strawberries and chocolate sauce.
Wufei:: You're going to leave me with this...this...this ONNA??! ::they nod::
Pern: Oh, come now Wufei, it won't be that bad. I promise.
::Wufei starts struggling, Pern pats him on the head::
Pern: In the mean time. ::wanders over to where Herve is watching Heero, Relena and Dr. J.:: Ah, Herve-kun. Can I have Heero, s'il vous plait? I don't think he looks comfortable where he is. Besides, I need him for a 1X2.
Herve : I don't know. On one hand I've a soft spot for you but on the other hand, Heero deserves to be punished for threatening me. Maybe if you turn it in a 2x1 and if Heero apologizes then I'll consider an act of mercy...
Duo : Psst Pern, here's the chocolate syrup and the strawberries. We even added some vanilla ice cream.
Pern : Oh! Vanilla ice cream .... Herve, I guess we have a deal. Heero are you ready to apologize?
Heero : No! I refuse to apologize. I never did it in my life and I'll never do it!
Relena : Good for you, Heero! Hey J did you see where are my handcuffs?
Dr J while opening a jar of lubricant : Take this one, there are in Gundanium.
Heero : All things considered, I apologize, please set me free now. I promise I'll be good. Back Relena..... I said BAAAAAACK.
::Herve is talking with Duo::
Pern: ahem, Herve
Herve : what ?
Pern : Heero has just apologized.
Herve : A deal is a deal ::Herve's hands throws Green lightning and suddently Relena and Dr J disappear leaving a naked and handcuffed Heero::
Heero : What the Hell did you do?
Duo : Thanks man. Here's your strawberries a la Cardinale (vanilla ice cream covered with strawberries, whipped cream and strawberry syrup).
::Herve's hands throw Green lightning again and two comfortable armchairs appear::
Herve while sitting : Come on Pern, let's enjoy the show
Pern : It's the kind of day where we don't regret joining the Hentai side of the force, Ne?
Herve : Sure !
Wufei : Hey Onna ! What about me.
Treize : Well we can't let them waste such an amount of strawberries, can we Zechs?
Zechs : Sure we can't
Wufei : You ecchi.
Pern: My, this is going to be interesting.
Herve: Yes, it is. ::sits back to watch::
Wufei: PERN-SAMA!!!!!!
Pern: Hai?
Wufei wriggling to get away from Treize and Zechs: I don't want to do a threesome today! Besides they're older than I am.
Pern: So?
Wufei: I don't want to do a threesome! Is that so hard to understand?!
Pern turning to Herve: He's being difficult today.
::Zechs starts pouring the chocolate syrup on Wufei::
Herve: Yes, very. Although he is giving us a good show.
Pern: True. ::notices Zechs and Treize have gotten a hold of her strawberries and vanilla ice cream:: HEY! What do you two think you're doing???! I'm the only one who can put chocolate sauce, whip cream, strawberries and vanilla on him!
Treize: Since when?
Pern: I have a contract signed and dated stating I'm the only one who can do that. BACK AWAY FROM THE WUFEI AND I WON'T HURT YOU. ::Wufei sighs in relief as they slowly back away::
Treize: Wufei is ours. ::Pern narrows her eyes::
Pern: Is that a challenge?
Herve looks from Pern to Treize: I think you should back down Treize.
Zechs: He's the leader of OZ, there isn't much she can do to him.
Herve: She's an author.
Pern and Treize square off. Treize somehow has gotten a saber from somewhere. Pern looks at it::
Pern: You think you can defeat me.
Treize: I haven't been beaten yet. ::Pern takes one look at him and zaps him with green lightning like Herve did earlier to Heero::
Treize: OUCH! AAAH!
Wufei: Yeah Onna! ::Zechs shoots him a dirty look::
::Suddenly Lady Une appears from nowhere and handcuffs Pern::
Lady Une : Tigress Pern you shouldn't have done that. You see, he's an endangered species of cute villains and you've now injured him.
Pern : I only zapped him!
Herve: Maybe we can find a little agreement.
Lady Une : I'm sorry I will not bargain with yaoi authors.
Herve : Well at least will you hear my offer?
Lady Une thought a while : .... do tell
::Herve murmurs something in Lady Une ear whose eyes become as wide as saucers while her face turned bright cherry::
Herve : So have we a deal ?
Lady Une nods and frees Pern.
::Herve's hands throws Green lightning and suddently Lady Une disappears::
Pern : Are you crazy ? You zapped her ! Aren't you afraid to be arrested she's an endangered species of villain too you know.
Herve : I didn't zap her, just teleported her.
Pern : And where did you teleport her?
::Herve smirks as he makes a giant Tv appear. On the
screen whe can see a
desert island in the Bermuda with a little cabana.
And we can ear a sinister
cry which comes from the cabana. There's a zoom then
we can see the inside of the cabana. There's a
kingsize bed with a naked and
handcuffed Treize and leather clothed Lady Une with a
black whip::
Pern : Bwahaha .... Herve, you're the best!!
Herve : I know! By the way do you want some of my strawberries a la Cardinale?
Pern: Why thank you. Don't mind if I do.
Tigress Pern