13-May-2000
This is a strange off-the-cuff fic that I just had an inspiration for. Forgive the cross-posting folks.
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and all characters and concepts are property of Sunrise, Bandai, and all other rightful owners. "Red Rain" is by Peter Gabriel and is not my property. No money is being made on this fic.
Notes: Somewhat OOC characters, maybe, a hint of shounen ai, but only around the edges, mildly-graphic scenes, no sex, somewhat disturbing. It comes from a nightmare I had folks, so you can understand why it upset me so much.
~red rain is coming down
red rain
red rain is pouring down
pouring down all over me~
"Heero?"
"Don't say anything, Relena. Duo, where the hell's the doctor?!"
Her eyes linger over the red rain running down her arms. Her heart is pounding so loudly in her ears she almost swears it's trying to rip out of her chest.
~I am standing up at the water's edge in my dream
I cannot make a single sound as you scream~
"Perfect soldiers don't scream," Relena says absently.
"That wasn't me," he says distractedly. The scream comes again. Dorothy, right. Always causing me problems. Funny.
Why do her wrists hurt so much? She can still see the razor blade covered with tiny flecks of skin and drops of blood, how much blood is in the human body, but of course, hers is much smaller than most so perhaps there's not so much inside of her. That would be sad. Not so much of her left behind to remind people she was here. How sad.
How come there are four hands on her wrists? Who on earth has four hands. Hair tickles her nose but all of her hair is tied back behind her, must be Duo's, Maxwell should slice off that ridiculous braid of his, looks unprofessional, very uncouth, God she is tired, so sleepy.
~it can't be that cold, the ground is still warm to touch
hay ay ay we touch
this place is so quiet, sensing that storm~
"Relena, why?"
Heero's voice a breath in her ear. Duo clutching her wrists for dear life, but that's silly, not his life, hers...
"Tired," she mutters. It's so quiet, of course, like a tomb, how funny.
"Don't even think about it," Duo hisses. "You're not bowing out like this, got me?"
~red rain is coming down
red rain
red rain is pouring down
pouring down all over me~
They're afraid. She laughs, "how funny."
"What?"
"you're funny, you're scared, so silly, it's not you it's me, why are you so scared. how funny. you're silly..."
"Re- SHIT! Q-man where the FUCK is that ambulance?!" Just like Maxwell to be so uncouth with that braid and all --
~well I've seen them buried in a sheltered palce in this town
they tell you that this rain can sting, and look down
there is no blood around see no sign of pain
hay ay ay no pain
seeing no red all, see no rain~
It doesn't hurt anymore. Not when they jab something into her arm, stabbing her, oh, needles. She should fight, of course. They're going to save her, how foolish, she didn't want to be saved, after all, but it doesn't matter much now because she's too tired to fight, how funny, to be dying and that's the reason that you'll survive, because you're dying so you can't fight them when they try to make you live, how funny, how sad. But there's no blood around for them to put back into her body. She looks around and there's nothing, no bags, no blood for them.
How funny. How sad.
~red rain is coming down
red rain
red rain is pouring down
pouring down all over me~
Duo has a needle in his arm. Odd. She's the dying one. Very odd. She wonders if he's dying too, that would make sense in a way I suppose he's dying too, so they'll bury us together, the last casualties of this war, of course if I was stronger I could end this war, I hate this responsibility, I can't even bring my father back, I'm supposed to be this little Christ figure but I don't want to die on a cross they're going to sacrifice me because I dared to let them call me Queen but if I refused then everyone else would die in my place so take the problem out of the equation.
Die. That's all she had to do. Die. They won't let her.
Duo's blood is making her heady, and she doesn't feel so empty anymore.
~red rain --
putting the pressure on much harder now
to return again and again
just let the red rain splash you~
"You're hurting me!"
"They're staunching the blood, Miss Relena," Quatre whispers. He's petting her hair so gently she wants to turn into his shoulder and cry but they won't let her because queens aren't allowed to cry boys don't cry didn't Duo say that once somewhere? Boys don't cry, Queens don't cry. So she cries blood instead. It hurts less and besides when her tears are gone so will she be.
She looks at Duo. "You're lucky."
"Am I?" She watches his blood flow through the tube connecting the two of them.
"Yeah. Someone loves you." She looks pointedly at Heero. Heero winces, stroking her face lightly. "Who loves the Queen of the World?"
Nobody says anything.
~let the rain fall on your skin
I come to you defences down
with the trust of a child~
"I feel fuzzy."
"They gave you a seditive," Trowa says. When did Trowa show up? Oh, right, he was here too. They all were, they were all coming, at Dorothy's request. How funny, but she fought with Dorothy about this. I don't want them here. Because they might get in my way. Like they're doing right now. They got in my way, and I'm not dead.
"Dorothy was worried about you," he adds.
Dorothy, right. Always causing me problems. "Where is she?"
"They had to sedate her. You frightened her."
Oh. Is that all. "She frightens me sometimes, too. She doesn't love me, you know. She told me that. Lots of people don't. Funny. My brother doesn't. Dorothy doesn't. Heero doesn't. Duke Dermail doesn't. Treize doesn't. Nobody does. But I'm the Queen of the World, right? Everybody's supposed to love me, right? So how come I'm always alone?"
~I see it
red rain is coming down
red rain is pouring down
red rain is coming down all over me
I'm bathing in~
"If that's true, then why are you alive?"
Relena looks at him. "I don't know."
She still feels fuzzy. Her bandaged hands are in his hands. Funny, she thought she was at the mansion still, but here she is, in the hospital. Why weren't the pilots captured or something? What happened?
"You're safe?"
"The paramedics were too busy worry about you to worry about us. We slipped out before anyone could come looking for us. Why do you care?" His voice is emotionless. "You tried to kill yourself. Why should it matter to you what happens to us?"
"Because I care," she whispers. Her eyes sting with tears.
"If you cared, you wouldn't have done this to your friends. Dorothy and Heero are both miserable right now. They're scared to death for you, that's why I agreed to come and see you, to make sure you're alright."
"I'm sorry."
He could hate her, easily. Funny, but he doesn't. He rubs her hands gently, trying to bring them warmth. Smooth fingers brush against his rough hands, feeling the thin lines there.
~red rain coming down
red rain is coming down
red rain is coming down all over me
I'm begging you~
She finds the scars.
"Why did you try?"
He actually smiles. "Quatre doesn't love me. He told me so. Nobody does."
"But you're alive. You didn't succeed."
"I took what he said the wrong way. We do have friends, you know. People who care. He's the reason I'm alive."
Someone who understands. Funny, she didn't think anybody could understand.
Under his watchful eye, she sleeps. Not alone. Not anymore. Never again.
~red rain coming down
red rain coming down
red rain coming down
red rain coming down
over me in the red red sea
over me
over me
red rain~
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