February 5, 2001
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing, its concepts, and its
characters are property of Bandai, Sunrise, and all
affiliated parties. The song "Love Potion Number
Nine" is property of Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller,
and was performed by The Searchers. I do not claim
rights to either of these. This story is for
entertainment purposes only, and no money exchanged
hands for it.
Rating: Let's say PG-13 just to be safe
Archive: YES!!! Anywhere and everywhere!
Warnings: yaoi, het, MASSIVE SELF INSERT!, loads of
humor, some slightly randy parts, AU and OOC
intentionally.
PLEASE mail me with feedback! Oh yeah, Happy
Valentines Day!
~blah~ = song lyrics
//blah// = thoughts
"So I have to have a date by the fourteenth?" Heero stared at the computer screen in disbelief. It was a weird assignment all around, being forced to hide right out in public so that he could spy directly on the target before they nailed the guy. The only problem was that the dance where their intended victim was going was a couples only dance for Valentines Day. And Heero had no prospects for a date.
"Maybe Relena and I should go?" Duo offered. He was leaning against the back of the chair, looking over Heero's shoulder. The other pilots were piled around hapazardly, WuFei slung over the couch while Quatre and Trowa were sitting opposit each other on the floor, playing a hand of rummy. "Or else send the love birds here on the mission," Duo added, jabbing a thumb in Quatre and Trowa's direction.
Quatre said something rude in Arabic. Trowa quirked a brow. "Duo," he said, ignoring his boyfriend's little rant, "you know that isn't possible. Relena won't be able to go and besides, you have to set the explosives."
"Well what about you guys?" Shinigami countered.
Quatre and Trowa exchanged a glance. "While Quatre may be able to fit in, I doubt very seriously I possess the correct social graces --"
"You mean you can't dance."
"I believe that's what I was saying. Well, I can dance, but the way I tango is a little randy for public, and anything else I know wouldn't be appropriate, since it isn't a rave."
"I wouldn't mind tangoing with you in public, Trowa," Quatre said sweetly. He batted his lashes at his boyfriend, who leaned forward, exchanging exactly twenty kisses. Duo made an impolite gagging sound. WuFei sniffed but ignored them.
"WuFei," Heero said with a touch of desperation in his voice, but the Shenlong pilot shook his head a very firm negative. "Not without Sally, and she is busy on the fourteenth."
"So we have to get someone to go out with Heero," Duo mused. "Can't you just ask one of the girls you know out?"
Heero shot him a withering glare. "I could, but they'd all turn me down. Face it, I'm not exactly the Big Man On Campus. Girls would much rather chase after your pretty face." Duo preened, until WuFei threw a pillow at him. A brief scuffle ensued while Heero contemplated his fate. One of the wrestlers accidently bashed Trowa in the back of the head, irritating him enough to get him involved, and Quatre joined the free-for-all just for the hell of it. Heero studiously ignored them.
//Where on earth am I to find a date this close to Valentine's Day?// He wondered. As he glanced around the room, searching in vain for some sort of inspiration, his eyes fell on a copy of the Weekly World News, the worst rag mag on the market. There, in small print under the massive crossword puzzle, was an ad reading, "How To Find The Perfect Date For Valentine's Day."
He immediately grabbed it up and read the ad.
"Having trouble finding a date for that massive Valentine's Day bash that everyone is going to -- EXCEPT YOU? Are you a flop with the opposite sex? Hell, are you a flop with the same sex? Well --
"YOUR TROUBLES ARE OVER!!!
"Come on down to the corner of Thirty-Fourth and Vine street, and visit our professional Psychic/Fortune Tellers. We have Fortunes, Forecasts, Lucky Charms, and Love Potions available to help YOU! That's right, YOU could be the next Casanova! So come on down today, and ask for Madam Ruth!"
Heero snagged an arm at random from the pile of pilots, shoving the ad into Duo's face. He glanced at the ad, shrugged, and kicked someone off of him, ending the fight abruptly. "Guys, check this out."
They all studied the ad. "I don't think so," Trowa dismissed it immediately. Quatre shrugged. "It's possible. I mean, there are all kinds of things in the universe that we don't know about or understand. For all we know, it could be legitimate. Anyway, it wouldn't hurt to go look."
WuFei re-read the ad. "Ordinarily I'd be skeptical, but I don't see the harm in it."
"I just wanna see Heero stoop to these levels! Come on, guys, let's go check it out." Duo leaped to his feet and dragged Heero from the room, with the others trailing behind.
I took my troubles down to Madame Ruth
You know that gypsy with the gold-capped tooth
She's got a pad down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine
Sellin' little bottles of Love Potion Number Nine
The secretary was filing her nails when the five boys entered the small shop. She looked them over, then checked her callender. "Did you have an appointment or are you walk-ins?"
"Walk-ins," Duo answered for them. "We'd like to see Madam Ruth."
"Sorry honey, she's with a client for the next hour and a half, but if you'd like you could see her assistant, Mamma Pajama."
The five boys blinked. "Mama Pajama?" WuFei asked.
Abruptly, both Trowa and Duo started to sing, "~See me and Julio down by the school yard/See me and Julio down by the school yard!~"
"Knock it off!" Quatre snapped, his eyes bugging out in that ZSQ way of his. They shut up.
The secretary blinked, snapped her gum, and pushed an intercom button. "Mamma Pajama, there's a group of walk-ins --"
"Right, right, I've been expecting them," a strangely familiar voice echoed back. "Send them on in!"
"How could she be expecting us?" Heero wondered aloud. "We're walk-ins."
"What do you expect?" the woman shrugged. "She's a professional." With that she pushed a button and the door behind her opened up. Duo once again dragged Heero along, with the others in tow.
The room was a combination of a witch's parlor and Dr. Frankenstein's playroom, except everything was so damn cheerful. It looked like a My Little Pony convention had slammed the place. The windows were wide open, letting in a lot of fresh sunshine over the pink and purple glass vials. The tubing on what would ordinarily look like a horrible machine of torture was covered with multi-colored swirls and smiling happy faces. There were jars of "Pretty in Pink Poison Dragon's Liver," "Sweet Sunshine Salamander Tongue," and "Hello Kitty Whiskers."
"My God," Quatre gasped, "We entered the Twilight Zone and ended up in Cartoon Hell."
In the center of the room was a tall, slightly chubby young woman, with shoulder length hair that was partly curly, partly frizzy. She had gold-rimmed glasses perched on her nose, and a little too much lipstick. She wore a white frilly poet's shirt and a crimpled skirt that came to her ankles, and a pair of men's sneakers. The pilots stared at her. She beamed back.
"Welcome!" Mamma Pajama exclaimed.
"Tabs?!" the pilots whimpered.
Tabs stamped her foot. "Look, until this fic is over with, I'm Mamma Pajama, now play along!"
"Holy shit, she wrote us into a self insert!" Duo said frantically. "Nobody touch anything!!!"
Heero grabbed Duo's braid. "We're leaving," he said. The door slammed shut before he could take a step toward it.
Five pilots glared daggers at the wayward fanficcer. She gulped and backed up a step. "Oh come on, guys, this is the only way I'm going to have any fun this Valentine's day! I never get to set people up!"
Before the others could protest, Heero sighed dramatically and sat down in the consultation chair. "She's just going to whine and bitch until we get sick of her and try to kill her if we don't give in, and then if we do try to kill her, she'll write us into Mecha x pilot fics. You know she's been taking lessons from Sephiroth."
Duo meeped. Trowa glared. "You're just trying to get Heero to kiss you," he accused.
Tabs' smile turned sultry. "Baby doll, if I was going to try to get one of you pilots to kiss me, it would not be Heero." She leered at him, leaning in suggestively. Quatre imposed himself between her and the taller pilot, who was blushing fiercly.
She coughed, then sat down. "Now then, shall we get to work?"
Heero opened his mouth and began to explain.
I told her that I was a flop with chicks
I've been this way since 1956
"Since when?" Duo demanded.
Tabs, er, Mamma Pajama, sighed. "Just go with it, it's part of the song."
Heero glared.
She looked at my palm and she made a magic sign
She said "What you need is Love Potion Number Nine"
"Gee, how did we guess?" Duo asked sarcastically.
Trowa scowled. "I still say she's trying to get him to kiss her," he muttered. Quatre rubbed his shoulders, then his back, then a little lower, and Trowa turned and gave him a look that spoke volumes, loudly, loud enough to be heard in New Jersey, and Tabs pointed to a closet, whereupon the two vacated the area for a few moments. WuFei rolled his eyes. "Those two have a combined libido that makes Clinton look pathetic."
"True," Tabs agreed. She started getting together various ingredients.
She bent down and turned around and gave me a wink
She said "I'm gonna make it up right here in the sink"
When the lovebirds finally made a (much rumpled) reappearance, Tabs had nearly finished mixing the last of the supposed love potion. Heero stared at the stuff dubiously. "You want me to... drink... that?"
"That'd be the plan, yes indeed," she agreed, handing him a tall glass of the stuff. The other pilots snorted. "Watch, he'll be all over her," Trowa groused. She shot him a death glare, muttering "Heavyarms x 4?"
He paled.
It smelled like turpentine, it looked like Indian ink
Heero sighed, took the cup, and shut his eyes.
I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink
"COME TO MAMMA!" Tabs crowed, her arms opened, as Heero dropped the cup. His eyes unfocused, his body shaking, and his pupils shrunk until they disappeared.
"I told you she was trying to get him to kiss her!" Trowa accused.
At once the Wing pilot rushed forward, right to Tabs --
-- vaulted over Tabs --
-- and started making out with her pet parakeet.
Cue the massive sweatdrop
I didn't know if it was day or night
I started kissin' everything in sight
But when I kissed a cop down on Thirty-Fourth and VineHe broke my little bottle of Love Potion Number Nine
"Hmm. I think I need to make this stuff a little stronger," Tabs contemplated. She started remixing the potion while the other pilots were treated to a sight: Heero Yuy kissing every thing in sight. Literally. The only living things he kissed were (if you discounted the parakeet) four legged. He was in the middle of getting his jiggy with Tabs' throw pillow when the stuff wore off.
(Fortunately for the guys, Duo hid the camera before he came to his senses. They had blackmail material for a month.)
"Okay, now the potion should work," the "gypsy" said, thrusting a new glass at the much confused Heero. He stared at the glass, then at his friends, then at Tabs. "I don't want to."
"Just drink it and stop being a baby, Heero," she snapped. He whimpered; he hadn't liked that last attempt at all! But he steeled himself and downed the second glass.
I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I took a drink
Again, the pupils shrunk, again he shuddered, then with lightning fast reflexes --
-- he shot towards Tabs --
-- turned at the last second before she could grab him up in her arms --
-- snagged WuFei and started to kiss the hell out of him.
When Heero let him go, the dazed Shenlong pilot fell to the floor, looking oddly happy, as Yuy snagged first Quatre, then Trowa, and subjected them to the same treatment. The fanficcer snarled and started cursing in Italian and Spanish. Duo meeped, backed up, but was caught before he could escape.
"Everybody else is getting kissed!!!! This is SO not fair!!" Tabs shrieked.
I didn't know if it was day or night
I started kissin' everything in sight
"No," Tabs corrected, "he started kissing every pilot in sight!" Meanwhile a love-fest of intense proportions was breaking out on the floor of her workroom. Tabs sighed in frustration, stormed out of the room, and snagged a phone. After two rings it picked up. "Yo?"
"Shane? It's Tabs. Grab the Mouse," she said, meaning her best friend, "and come over here. I wanna go out for Bourbon Chicken, hold the chicken."
With that, she hung up and stormed out.
But when I kissed a cop down on Thirty-Fourth and Vine
He broke my little bottle of Love Potion Number Nine
Love Potion Number Nine
Love Potion Number Nine
Love Potion Number Nine
End
::snickers:: Corn-ball, I know, but hell.
Tabs
Please send comments to: puckrobyn@aol.com