1998
Duo gasped, pulling away. His mind reeled at the confusing emotions that waged war within him. What Heero was doing seemed to feel so very right and so very good. But somehow, somewhere inside him, a little voice - his own - was screaming at him to stop. As much as his body wanted to surrender to the wonderfully new and exciting sensation of Heero's skin pressed so sensually against his, as much as his hands itched to take hold of Heero's face as Heero had done to him, something held him back. Something that crawled over his skin like a million spiders...
Narrowed, dark blue eyes looked back quizzically at him, as though wondering why he would pull back when just moments before he had been an active participant.
"Anou...Heero...I..."
"Iya. I...I'm sorry." The apology came out choked, Heero's voice low and guilty.
Duo blinked, and before he had a chance to react further, the Japanese boy had stood up and was swiftly walking away towards the door.
Slowly, Heero turned the knob, pushing the door open ever-so silently. Easing himself into the room, the Japanese boy noted the silence with a curious quirk of his eyebrows. He'd spent the last hour or so walking aimlessly around the motel grounds, trying to forget what a fool he'd made himself out to be. Had he really done what he did? Had he really ...
Bakayarou! How could he?
Mentally, Heero had kicked himself and contemplated self-destruction on at least two instances during his self-imposed isolation.
Until his stomach reminded him that it would self-destruct if he didn't get any food in it soon...
Balancing the tray in one hand, Heero closed the door, slipping the latch on as quietly as possible. Out of the corner of his eye, he'd noticed the slumbering body of his partner on the large double bed. Heero sighed, staring balefully at the steaming plates of food on the tray. He'd figured that Duo would be as hungry as he was, if not more; and remembering the boy's current mobility status, Heero had decided to bring him a late breakfast.
Besides, the food might make him forget that particularly embarrassing incident earlier.
Heero pouted, annoyed. Shoulda known better, he thought. His lips twisted in a moue of exasperation, Heero eyed the cooling food on the tray, and then the unmoving body sprawled all over the bed. It'd be a shame to waste so much food, and who knew when they'd get another chance to sit and eat in relative peace? Huffing softly, the Japanese boy placed the tray on the coffee table and shuffled over to the bed.
Duo lay half on his stomach, dressed in his trademark black. His braid snaked over his upper back and its end disappeared beneath his slight body as he slept, facing away from the side of the bed where Heero stood. A smile quirked on Heero's lips when he saw the pillow beside Duo's leg. Duo must have remembered something from his First Aid lessons, Heero thought with a silent laugh. He must have elevated his sprained foot to reduce the swelling, but somehow, somewhere along the way, the longhaired boy must have kicked away at the pillow. Leaning forward slightly, Heero peered over the sleeping boy's shoulder. He wondered if he looked as peaceful as the longhaired boy did when he was asleep - or as adorable.
What the hell am I thinking? Heero frowned slightly, the small smile leaving his lips.
Duo moaned.
"Duo?" Heero touched the sleeping boy on one black-clothed shoulder. A slight tremor ran through his friend's frame and Duo stirred, shifting to pull himself into a foetal position. "Duo," Heero called again, brow crinkling into a deeper frown. He'd thought the nightmares were gone. Heero grasped Duo's upper arm, shaking him with a little more force. "Duo. Wake up!"
And wake up Duo did.
Before Heero had realised it, the longhaired boy had rolled towards him, pushing him backwards. Stunned, Heero fell onto the carpeted floor with a loud oath. "What the -?!? K'so! Duo! What do you -"
Duo knelt before him on the floor, eyes wide with terror as he pointed a primed gun into Heero's face.
Shimatta!
"Duo! Snap out of it! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" Heero cried, angry at being so easily overcome, and more than slightly panicked at the haunted look in his friend's eyes.
"Stay...stay away from me," Duo whispered hoarsely, his voice cracking as his hands shook slightly.
Heero scowled. "Duo," he growled. "It's me, Heero."
At the mention of the name, a slight look of recognition began to dawn on the longhaired pilot's face.
"H-Heero?" As the full realization of what he was doing hit him, Duo's face crumpled in what looked to Heero almost like agony. The gun fell from Duo's hands and he fell back, curling into a moaning ball, hugging himself tightly as though he would fall apart at any moment.
Quickly, Heero scrambled over to the discarded gun and uncocked it before tossing it on the bed. Then, turning to Duo, he crawled hesitantly towards the softly moaning boy.
"Duo?" Heero reached out to touch the boy's arm and winced when Duo flinched violently at the touch. His mouth firming into a thin line, Heero decided to grab the bull by the horns. In one quick movement, he grabbed the longhaired boy's trembling body and pulled it towards him. Automatically, Duo began to struggle violently, spewing curses like there was no tomorrow in between what suspiciously sounded like sobs. But Duo's strength was no match for Heero's and the harder he struggled, the tighter Heero held him.
Until finally, Duo's struggling ceased and his body lay limp and exhausted in Heero's arms.
"Do you wanna talk now?" Heero's voice was soft, low in the heavy shroud of silence that seemed to permeate the air around him. Duo started slightly at the unfamiliar tone, once more tensing muscles that had relaxed in the warm, safe circle of his partner's arms. Barely managing to silence an involuntary whimper, Duo resisted the urge to bury himself further into Heero's embrace.
"Not really," he answered, his voice barely raised above a hoarse whisper. Tiredly, Duo sighed, closing his eyes and wishing that this was just another dream, another false reality. It had been so easy to create a world where everything was right and where nothing and nobody hurt. It had been so simple to pretend...
Heero grunted, unconsciously pulling the boy in his arms closer to his chest. "I'll listen," he sighed into Duo's ear, a trifle sad that he hadn't yet managed to earn the other boy's trust. Had he been so callous a friend? Had he even seemed like one at all to the man-child leaning against him?
Moments passed and finally Duo stirred, pushing himself up slightly to a sitting position. He turned his face down, refusing to look Heero in the eye. "I can't do it anymore, Heero," he finally sighed.
"Do what?"
"Hide."
Baka. Against his better judgement, a small smirk came to Heero's lips. Baka ne. Where did this captivating idiot of a friend get the idea that he had to hide anything from him? Was he so cold? Was the image he portrayed so infallible that he would invoke this sort of reaction from the one he wanted nothing more than to share his every waking moment with? And perhaps even sleeping ones?
"No one asked you to. Tell me. It..I...I don't know how, but... Perhaps I could..."
A bitter chuckle.
"Help?" Duo gave him a sideways glance, sad violet eyes partially hidden by long, chestnut bangs that fringed the tired-looking face. Broken by a lop-sided, sarcastic smirk. "You think you could? Heh. Don't be too sure Heero." Duo lapsed into silence once more, turning away and staring contemplatively at his bandaged ankle, even as his hand massaged it absently.
The Japanese boy frowned slightly, then edged closer to the longhaired boy, finally settling down beside him and leaning against the side of the bed. "I'm waiting," he said flatly, stretching his legs out before him as he crossed his arms about his chest.
Duo's shoulders rose as he drew in a deep breath and let it out in a resigned sigh. Without turning towards the Wing pilot, without once looking into those deep cobalt-blue eyes, Duo told his story.
I'll kill them!
The sound of his teeth grinding vibrated through his skull, sending wave upon wave of red haze across his vision. Vaguely, Heero realized that his hands were clenched into hard fists that dug into his sides even as they hugged his body.
Duo was sitting with his arms wrapped tightly around his knees, which were folded close to his chest. His chin dug into the hard bone as he stared in silence at the wall, face blank. Expressionless. Silent. His voice had been low and soft when he spoke, almost monotonous. As far from himself as he could be. Sad.
For long, silent moments the two friends sat, neither daring to break the silence. Neither wanting to, for fear that it might release something so far held in check.
Heero glanced up, looking over Duo's huddled form. The braided boy sat, slightly rocking in place. "Duo.."
However, before he'd managed to speak further, Duo stood up and walked away from where they sat on the floor. From where he leaned against the bed, Heero watched as the longhaired boy limped over to where his haversack lay by the closet. He watched as Duo jerkily tore the bag open, digging out clothes that seemed as black as his mood. Grabbing a few pieces, the boy walked towards the bathroom.
He plunged his hands into the hot water, squeezing the dark fabric. The lazy swirls of red emerging from the black cloth brought a grim smirk to Duo's lips. With a soft growl, he squeezed the tortured fabric some more.
Shit!
Why did I do that? Why did I tell him? Why the hell did I open my big mouth? Now he can't even bear to look at me in the eye. Hell, I can't look at him in the eye. Why? Why? Why?
Angrily, Duo sloshed the blood-tinged water, violently scrubbing at his shirt. It was stiff by the time he'd taken it off after the bike ride from the school. Drenched with dried OZ blood. Before napping he'd changed into a fresh shirt, not able to take the rusty smell any longer. He'd cursed then, but he was thankful now. Thankful for having something upon which to vent his anger.
He squeezed harder. The black cloth reminded him of himself: dark, unclean, tainted. His dark soul that was beyond redemption. Unforgiveable. The bloody water seeped through his fingers, making him squeeze harder. Get it out! Get it out! Make it clean again!
Oh God, make me clean...
"Duo, what are you doing?" Heero's voice made him jump for the second time that day. Damn! This was getting repetitive! Duo stiffened as he felt the other boy's hand on his shoulder. Tender.
"What does it look like?" he gritted out harshly, flinching at his own tone, but unable -unwilling - to soften it.
Heero's brow puckered worriedly. He had followed the longhaired boy to the bathroom, and had frowned when he saw Duo scrub harshly at the cloth. He had walked up behind him, and was surprised that Duo had not noticed his presence. He was even more surprised when he saw the bloody water in the sink.
"That's blood," Heero observed.
"Bravo. Score one for Heero Yuy."
Irritated, Heero gripped Duo's shoulder and pulled him away from the sink. "What happened? You weren't hurt, were you? Whose..?"
"Some unlucky OZ bastard. The Principal," Duo glared at him through livid violet eyes. "I shot the Principal," he chuckled, voice empty. Cynical. "I was a bad boy, wasn't I, Heero?" he sighed, smiling without a trace of humor.
Heero flinched inwardly at the anger in his friend's voice. The self-recrimination. His eyes narrowed, and -almost without thinking - he reached for Duo's face. The other boy stared in surprise as he held onto the pointed chin, holding Duo's face immobile.
"No," Heero sighed, an almost-whisper. "You weren't. It happened. You couldn't help it. You couldn't prevent it."
Duo stared at him blankly, unsure of what to say, how to respond.
"Do you understand what I'm saying, Duo?" Heero asked, locking eyes with the silent boy before him. "Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"
"H-Heero...I..." Duo stammered. Oh God, is he saying what I think he's saying? Please...
Without waiting for further reaction from the confused Shinigami pilot, Heero pulled Duo into his arms, hugging him fiercely. "It's okay, Duo. It's okay," he soothed. Heero held the other boy tight, closing his eyes and burying his face into the thick, chestnut hair.
Once more, Duo felt the hot trail of tears leaking from his eyes. But strangely enough, this time, his heart didn't feel like it was breaking into a thousand pieces. This time....
This time it felt right.
And his arms raised behind Heero's back, returning the hug so freely given.
~fin~
Author's notes:
Aaaaaaaaa!!!! I think that's it! Wheee! Got it off Duo's chest! Waaa~iii!
Now....*rubs hands together* ....what next.....
Shirin
Please send comments to: shirini@pc.jaring.my