::delurks::: Wow I ain't been outta the shadows for a LONG time :::shame-faced::: Sumimasen Tro-Admin ::eyes tear up::: It's midterms...yeah like that's an excuse....^_^;;; Err...I come bearing gifts? :::holds out ficcie::: And I've got a nice little bit of parody-insanity that SHOULD be ready by tomorrow :::glares at Jess-chan::: And I've a few other fics. So I've been a good girl and worked real hard while I was lurking. Hontou ni! Well I'm gonna shut up now and let ya read the fic.
This the the sequel to Broken for all of you who remember it. Thanx go out to Jess-chan for spellchecking this and to Tyr for pestering me to finish it. ^_~
My usual warnings, yaoi, a bit of language and angst. But never fear, this is Sheira, Squish addict. ^_^ So have fun.
Lyrics from the song is Taiyoo wa Shinanai (The Sun Will Not Die) from Arcadia of my Youth. Harlock-sama!!! :::worship::: It's a /beautiful/ song :::sigh:: I /highly/ recomend it.
~~song lyrics~~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Heero's POV ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~ Duo's POV ~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
~~Though the night continues on,
the sun will not die.~~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Duo, oh Duo, how could you think that I didn't care? I hang my head even as I hug him fiercely. Have I masked my emotions too well? I thought you knew how I felt. What…what have I done? Did I drive you to this? Is it my fault? I knew that Duo wasn't happy, but I didn't think he'd fallen this far into his depression. Why didn’t I notice before? I /should/ have noticed. I bury my face in Duo’s hair and breathe in the scent from those silky tresses.
How could I have let things get this far out of hand? What kind of ‘lover’ am I if I didn’t even notice that Duo was this unhappy. I thought it was just a stage, that things were hard at work or something. But this….I had no idea he felt this way. Oh Duo, I wasn’t lying, you are the only bright thing in my life and without you, I could never survive. Not after knowing the joy that was you. But now my mind is drawn to the inevitable question: What now? Do I simply ignore this? Do I step back and let you work this out yourself? No, that is not the thing to do…. Yet I know you will not want to involve someone else, but am I /qualified/ to help you through this? It’s obvious I lack the observation skills.
Otherwise I would have noticed this before. So, what now?
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
Oh, what a bloody mess I’ve made of things. And Heero, ah Koi, I’m sorry. I can’t believe I’m so stupid! I didn’t even see what was in front of my face. What an idiot, Duo no baka. You almost screwed things up again. I look at Heero and notice that his eyes are pensive. Have his eyes always been so expressive? Is this new for you Heero? Or was I just to blind to notice before? Che, now what huh Koi? We can’t just ignore what happened tonight.
And there is no way in Hell that I’m gonna go to some shrink. I can handle this myself, as long as I have you here, I can handle this. But why is that voice deep down inside saying I can’t handle this alone? God Maxwell, have you forgotten the song Sister Helen sung already? Were her words so easy to forget? Sheesh, she sung that song to you often enough for them to get through even a skull as thick as yours. “Though the night continues on, the sun will not die.” Oh how I loved to hear Sister Helen sing that song. No matter how down I was feeling, it always made me feel better. I miss her and Father Maxwell. A lot of times…. I wished that I was with them. It would have been so much easier, no more pain…Hey! What am I thinking! I’m not supposed to think like that, I’m gonna get through this. I can do it, can’t I?
~~At the end of the darkness,
it keeps on burning.~~
Oh, it’s so hard. It’s been a week since I tried to kill myself. And I keep imagining what it would be like if I’d gone through with it. Why can’t I stop thinking about it? I’m better now, I should be happy. Heero’s being so kind and gentle with me, he’s even saying how he feels. I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before.
It’s in the little things he does that show how he feels. He doesn’t need words, his actions speak loud enough for him. What a fool I am, not to have noticed before. Stupid Maxwell, you almost lost it all. Baka, baka, baka, baka. What would have happened if you’d done it, huh? I frown as I push my hair out of my eyes. What time is it? Gah too many heavy thoughts for so early in the morning. I look at the clock, 7 a.m. already? I wonder where Heero is? I reach out a hand and touch his side of the bed, the sheets are cold. I blearily sit up and look around. Nope, not here. I wonder where’s he’s gotten off too. I shrug, oh well. I have to get ready for work. As I stumble out of bed and into the kitchen, I notice how silent our apartment is. No clattering of keys from the keyboard, nothing. Hmmm weird…. I turn on the coffee machine and grab a bowl and some cereal while the coffee brews.
After I’ve finished two bowls of cereal, I pour some coffee into a mug. I sip at the bitter stuff and wince. Gah! That’s terrible! Sugar…..must have sugar…..I reach for the sugar bowl but find to my dismay that it’s empty!
“Kuso!” I curse as I eye my coffee with trepidation. I can’t drink it like that. I don’t see how Heero can stomach that stuff black. Gross! I root through our cupboards and finally stumble upon a bottle of Kahlua. “What the hell.” I mutter. “You use it to make Black Russians 1……Hmmmmm Suddenly the thought of a Black Russian is /very/ appealing….. “Why not.” I dig around some more and find a small bottle of vodka in the back of the pantry. “God bless minibars.” I mutter as I pour the alcohol and Kahlua into my coffee.
~~Lift up your faces, friends.
Let us look up at the dawn.~~
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
It’s been nearly four months since the night I nearly lost him. And since then, I’ve watched him like a hawk. Not obviously of course, but I’ve watched him all the same. I will not lose him. I will not! I scowl slightly as the familiar jumble of fear, guilt and apprehension fills me. Oh Duo, what do I do? You /seem/ okay, but you’re not. I can tell. There are nights when I wake up and see you standing by the window; your face a mask of sorrow and pain. Why hasn’t it gotten better for you? Shouldn’t you /be/ better? But it’s not, and I so rarely see a smile in your eyes. I sigh as I sit back in my chair. I hear Duo behind me flipping through the channels of the vid. The ominous tinkle of ice cubes hitting the side of a glass tells me Duo has started already. I close my eyes as pain spears through my heart. Duo, he’s drinking too much. Every night he has a drink at dinner. But I know he drinks more then that. I can see it in his over-bright eyes. I may not be the best judge of emotions, but I can see when he crashes down from his alcoholic buzz. But surely he can handle this, right? He’s smart enough not to let things get out of hand.
Do you believe that? A voice in the back of my mind asks and to be honest, no, I’m not sure I believe that. But Duo, I know him well enough to know that he won’t seek help for this. It’s just like with the depression, he won’t admit to needing help. My love has spent too long hiding, he’s now forgot how to let people in, to see behind the jester's mask. But can’t he see that I’m here for him? Why must he seek refuge in that cursed alcohol? Or maybe /I/ am the problem and he’s running away from /me/. I hang my head, this is so difficult. I can’t stand to see you killing yourself this way Duo.
I’ve /got/ to do something about this I’ve got to!
~~Friends who still do not see,
tomorrow will surely come.~~
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
“Duo, we’ve got to talk.” Heero murmurs and I look up at him blearily. The alcohol I have drunk tonight has sufficiently bleared things, made life bearable.
“Whasup?” I ask as I sit up. A wave of dizziness washes over me and I giggle at the familiar feeling.
“/This/ is what is up.” Heero says grimly, his eyes dark with worry. “You’re drinking way too much and I’m really starting to get worried about you.”
“Heh. I’m fine.” I say, a pathetic attempt at Shinigami’s grin lingering on my lips.
“Bullshit.” Heero says bluntly as he grasps my face and my eyes narrow in outrage.
“Let go of me Heero.” I say softly, but Heero simply stares at me unwavering. “Come on Heero, lighten up.” I say reasonably as I smile winningly at my lover. Heero frowns unhappily but I lean forward and kiss him. Kissing him again, I curl my fingers in his hair and nuzzle his ear. “Ne, Heero, let’s go to bed okay?” Heero blinks but I notice with triumph that his eyes darken with passion. I stand up and smile flirtatiously down at Heero; offering my hand. A slight smile tugs at Heero’s lips as he accepts my hand and we walk into our bedroom. The moonlight slants through the window and shines upon Heero’s skin, making it appear to almost glow. “God Heero, I love you.” I whisper fervently as I kiss Heero passionately. I think I surprised him because he nearly tumbles over when I throw my arms around him.
Chuckling evilly I pull my lover into bed and I’m rewarded with a genuine smile. “Ditto.” Heero says huskily and I smile contentedly. Maybe for a little while, the pain will go away. Being with Heero does help drive away the darkness, dulls the ache in my heart better then even alcohol. But I can't always be with Heero and when I’m alone, it’s like I’m lost in a dark endless sea, drowning and alone.
“Duo, daijoubu desu ka?” Heero asks concerned as he looks up at me.
“Aa.” I murmur as I nuzzle his neck. “Enough talk, ne?” I ask with a smirk and Heero smirks right back at me. Yes, enough talk, and enough thinking.
~~Within the frozen ground, in secret,
the flower's life continues on.~~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I wake up and the first thing I notice is the lack of Duo’s warmth. I blearily look around for my lover but he’s not in our bedroom. I quickly stand up, my heart racing in my chest. Please, don’t let it be like last time. Without noticing it, my breath catches in my throat as I walk out into the living room. I spot Duo sitting at the counter and breath a sigh of relief.
“Duo?” I say softly as I stand behind my long haired baka. But Duo doesn’t even turn to look at me, he just continues to stare out the window over the sink. “Duo, what’s wrong?” I ask, my voice hitching. It’s then that I notice the more then half empty bottle laying on the counter. My eyes narrow as I look over at Duo and see his glass, sitting there untouched. Almost hesitantly I reach out a hand and touch Duo’s shoulder. He flinches and clenches his eyes shut.
“Don’t touch me, please.” He whispers in a tight voice.
“Duo?” Now I /am/ disturbed, Duo never rejects tactile contact.
“I don’t want to be touched Heero, I don’t /deserve/ to be touched.” Duo says in a dead voice as he looks at me. My heart clenches when I notice he’s got the same barren look in his eyes that he did four months again on that…night.
“Duo, don’t say that!” I cry in protest but Duo shakes his head.
“I’m a coward Heero.” Duo scowls and abruptly knocks the bottle and glass off the counter. Before they even crash to the floor I've got my arms around a struggling Duo. “Let me go!!” Duo shouts “I’m a fucking coward! A coward!” I simply hug Duo tighter and after a bit he stops trying to untangle himself from my grip and simply lags against me crying.
“No more…” I whisper tortured as I bury my face in Duo’s hair.
“Why?” Duo whispers still crying. He looks up at me, his face stained with tears, yet his eyes eerily vulnerable. “Why won’t it stop Heero?” Duo sniffles wipes at the tears on his cheeks. “Why can’t I be happy?! Why!? Why can I be happy? Not matter what I do or try, I’m not happy.” A slightly hysterical note tinges Duo’s voice. “It’s like this darkness that won’t go away! I should be happy, but I’m not….I’m not happy.” I stroke Duo’s hair and rock him back and forth.
“I’m sorry Duo.” I whisper into his hair. “I should never have let this go, I should have sought out help for you. I’m sorry.”
“Heero, it’s not your fault.” Duo protests but I shake my head.
“I shouldn’t have done nothing, and now…you’re still unhappy.” I frown as I look at Duo. “We’ll get help for you.” Duo stiffens but I shake my head adamantly. “We’ll get help Duo. Would you rather you stayed unhappy for the rest of your life just because you’re too proud to admit you need help?” I ask scowling. Duo sniffles and looks at me.
“Okay.” He says in a quiet tone of voice. I hug Duo and try to project all my feelings into my eyes.
“Thank you.” I whisper as I cup Duo’s face in my hands and kiss him.
~~Friends, do not lose the seed of hope.
Friends whose names I do not even know,
tomorrow will surely come.~~
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
“Mister Maxwell?” I look up anxiously as the kind-faced woman calls my name. Heero all but leaps to his feet and I stand up.
“Hai, that’s me.” I say as I swallow. The doctor looks over at Heero curiously. “This is Heero.” I explain and she smiles slightly.
“Of course, if you’ll follow me.” I look over at Heero and he smiles reassuringly at me and I follow the doctor into a small examination room. She motions Heero and I to a pair of chairs and takes another one across the room.
“I’m doctor Carlson, I specialize in internal medicine. To be exact, I’m a specialist dealing with the thyroid gland. You know what that is?” I nod my head and glance over at Heero. “Well Mister Maxwell, it turns out that you have an overactive thyroid gland, a condition called hyperthyroidism. It’s what is causing your emotional imbalance….”
“Meaning….” I ask confused.
“Well, look at it this way, you’ve got this hormone called thyroxine that’s produced by your thyroid gland. Well your body is producing too much thyroxine and to be honest, it will eventually kill your thyroid gland.” I gasp and grasp Heero’s hand.
“Will I….will I die?” Doctor Carlson laugh and shook her head.
“No Duo, you won’t die. But you will eventually have to take a synthetic thyroid for the rest of your life because your body will no longer produce the thyroxine. But it’s the excessive thyroxine that’s causing your emotional instability. The depression to be exact.” My hand tightens around Heero’s and he squeezes my fingers back. “But don’t worry, it’s easily treated.”
Doctor Carlson directs me to the bed and examines me. Afterwards she nods and pulls out a prescription card. “Just take this medicine everyday. It will slow down the output of thyroxine and help stabilize your thyroid gland. And I’ll see you in about six weeks.” The doctor shakes Heero and my hand and we leave the office in silence.
~~A single person is a small raindrop.
But if gathered together,
they can even become an ocean.~~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Ne, Heero.” I look up at Duo as we walk down the street.
“Hai?”
“Does this mean I'm going to be all right?” An anxious look appears in Duo's eyes and I hug him, the rest of the world be dammed. Duo lays his head on my shoulder and I stroke his back soothingly. Two women walk past us and giggle as they look at us. I glare at them and they giggle again and whisper among themselves as they continue on their way.
“Yes, Duo, you’re going to be all right, I promise” I whisper in Duo’s ear and he pulls back so he can smile at me.
“I’m glad.” He says with unshed tears in his eyes. I smile and grab his hand.
“Come on, let’s get your medicine. Then I’ll give you a backrub and brush your hair. How’s that sound?”
“Heavenly, will you cook /it/ for me too?” I smile at the childlike look in Duo’s eyes.
“Yes, Duo, I’ll cook your favorite dinner as well.”
“Yay.” Duo cheers softly as he walks close to me. I revel in the feel of our fingers entwined as we walk close to each other, our thighs and arms brushing. After we get his medicine, Duo and I retreat to our apartment. As promised I give him a back rub and unknot all the muscles in his shoulders and back.
“Ahh, that feels great.” Duo sighs lazily, not even bothering to open his eyes.
I lean over his back and kiss the sensitive area between his shoulder blades.
“Come on, get up.” I order and Duo cracks open an eye.
“I don’t think I can move.” Duo said plaintively and I kiss him softly.
“Get up, so I can brush your hair.” I order and Duo sits up slowly, yawning.
“I’ll be right back.” I says as I climb off our bed. I walk into the kitchen and check on the preparations for dinner. After that's done, I walk back into our room and fetch Duo’s hairbrush. He smiles warmly at me as I sit back down behind him. I love doing this, it’s a pleasure I’ll never grow weary of, I’m certain of it. I unravel Duo's braid and pull the hairbrush through his thick tresses slowly. My lover all but purrs and leans into the strokes of the brush. I continue to brush out Duo’s long hair long after anything resembling a tangle was gone. His hair feels like silk in my hands and I lean forward so I can breathe in the light fragrance that seems to permeate his hair. Duo scoots back and I set the brush aside. Then I gather him into my arms and he leans back against my chest. I gently push the heavy curtain of Duo’s hair aside and kiss his bare shoulder. He looks up at me and I smile warmly.
“I love you.” I whisper and I lean forward to kiss him.
~~Friends, let us bring together
the palms of our hearts' hands.
My friends,
tomorrow will surely come.~~
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
I smile at Heero’s gently uttered words and raise my hand to cup his cheek as I smile up at him.
“I know, I love you two.” My other hand strays to the necklace around my neck and the rung hanging there. Heero smiles and pulls an identical necklace from beneath his shirt.
“Is there any reason to not wear them properly?” Heero asks softly and I shake my head, my eyes misting up. I sit up and turn around to face my lover. I unclasp my necklace and hand my ring to Heero; he does the same. With a truly happy smile, Heero slips my ring on my finger.
“I love you Duo Maxwell, through the good and the bad. Happiness and sorrow, I will always be with you, beyond death and time itself.” My lip trembles and I slip Heero’s ring on his hand.
“I love you Heero and no matter what, I know we’ll face whatever life throws at us together. We’ll face tomorrow as one and make our future bright and happy.” Heero nods and we kiss again.
Then we simply lay down in bed and hold each other. I know the future won’t be easy, but I’ve got Heero here to help me stand when I can no longer go on. We’ll face tomorrow together but at least I can no say that I’m glad tomorrow will come. The future's looking brighter already and I can’t wait for Heero and I to embrace it.
~~I want you to live, friends,
for the sake of those you love.~~
~~To all friends,
tomorrow will surely come.~~
~owari~
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[1] A Black Russian is an alcoholic drink made from mixing Kahlua, coffee and vodka together. :::is fairly certain it’s vodka….:::
___________________
::dies of a toothache::: Gah is that sweet enough for you people? See I told ya it'd end Squishy. ^_^
-Sheira
Keeper of Heero's Yellow Sneakers
Co-Keeper of the Voices Inside Duo's Head (with Sailor Zoisite)