Okay, shonen ai and slight OOC warning. (duh) The two things that /always/ take place in my fics -_-;;;; So no flames because of those, I /did/ warn you. Also I don’t own Gundam W, you know that and I know that. So don’t waste your money on suing me. A MASSIVE thanx goes out to Jason for spellchecking this for me since my comp sux :::glomps:: Now, on with the ficcie
Heero’s Journal
[Heero]
:::::I've tried to stay away from him, I truly have. But it’s a lost battle, it was from the very first moment I gazed into those blue-violet eyes. I've been trained since childhood to be the perfect soldier, and until I met that long-haired baka, I had succeeded with flying colors. I/was/perfect. Was being the operative word of course. And now…now I don’t even recognize myself when I look in the mirror. Too bad none of my training included lessons on how to be human, too bad the good doctor never taught me too love or to be loved. No, that was a lesson I had to learn on my own, the most painful one of all. No, all this is the fault of that smugly cheerful idiot Duo. He’s the reason I’m so confused, the reason I’m not sleeping or eating right. Love sucks….::::
"Oi, whatcha writing?" I slam the cover of my laptop down with unnecessary force as Duo drapes himself over my shoulder.
"Get lost." I utter icily and Duo grins cheekily.
"Writing a love letter, ne?" Duo elbows me in the ribs and musses my hair affectionately. "Writing to Relena-san, huh?"
"Duo, omae o korosu." I growl as I stand up. Duo eeps and runs around the bed.
"Oi! Heero it was a joke, man. Chill out…it was a joke." I continue to glare at Duo with a murderous look in my eyes. "yare-yare." Duo complains. "The guy can’t even take a joke!"
"Duo!" The chestnut haired boy laughs nervously and slowly backs away from me.
"I think I’ll go take a walk…yeah…a walk." I level Duo with a Look ™ and the American smiles tremulously.
"Do that." I say curtly as I turn back to my computer. I read over my entry for the day and close the document without saving as is my daily ritual. If anyone ever got their hands on my ‘journal’ I’d never been able to look anyone in the eyes ever again.
"No one must know but myself." I think bleakly as I open my mission report from the last battle. I don’t bother to even turn around when Duo leaves our room.
[Duo]
"Che!" I growl as I storm down the hallway. "Stupid jerk. He wouldn’t know a come-on if it came up and bit him in the ass!" I shake my head furiously and my braid ends up smacking me in the face. "Kuso, Heero no baka." I toss my offensive braid over my shoulder and walk out of the door of the small cottage Heero and I have holed up in for the week. With the coup d'etat of the Federation and Oz coming into power, our missions had become more and more frequent. Heero and I moved around too much to be able to pose as regular students, not that I’m complaining. I personally detest school and not even the enticement of a group of beautiful young women to flirt with was worth one minute alone with my surly partner. No sirrrrreeee. I’m perfectly content to spend my time living in little shacks with fleas for bedmates and Heero.
Too bad Heero isn’t my bedmate along with the fleas. I frown as I watch the beautiful sunset play out as if just for me. No, mister Heero ‘I’m the perfect soldier’ Yuy would never degrade himself as to sharing more then food and the occasional bed with me. Che, he probably wouldn’t even know what to do. I doubt sexual education is part of the criteria for perfect soldiers. And if he did notice that I wanted him, he’d probably punch me in the face and call me a pervert. He’d definitely stop being my friend, or whatever you call what we have. Face it Duo me’lad, yer screwed….well not like that anyway. I chuckle at my own bawdy joke as I walk down the path towards where I stowed Shinigami. Maybe my mate can offer me some advice.
[Heero]
He’s sulking again, I can tell. For one thing, he didn’t come back from his ‘walk’ until nearly two in the morning. And he didn’t say anything this morning, not even a cheerful "Ohayo" Nothing, not a single word. Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but this is Duo, the Chatterbox, Maxwell we’re talking about. The thing that’s bothering me is why? Why is he sulking? I wasn’t any more harsh to him yesterday then I am any other time. So what gives? As the day wears on and Duo remains to be abnormally quiet, I become concerned. This is just not like him.
"Duo, daijoubu?" Duo looks up from where he’s poking at his dinner.
"Huh?" he asks, his blue-violet eyes disinterested.
"Are you all right? You seem rather quiet tonight, is something wrong?" Duo looks at me suspiciously.
"Why are you asking?" Duo murmurs and I frown unhappily.
"I just wanted to know if you were sick or something. It isn’t like you to remain so quiet for so long."
"Believe it or not Heero, it is possible for me to be quiet just cause I want to be." Duo mutters; acid in his tone. I scowl.
"Well excuse me for being concerned." I snort and stand up. Duo can be such a brat sometimes. I walk over to my laptop, open a Word program and start to type.
:::Sometimes it is hard to just be around him. The fear that I will let something slip is a constant one for me. I almost did it at dinner. I shouldn’t have asked Duo if he was all right. It was too obvious a break from my normal behavior, it was bound to make Duo suspicious. Hn, it’s rather ironic actually. I've been so cold and distant to him, that now, when I try to be solicitous or nice to him, he’s wary. What an idiot I am, by protecting myself I've also denied myself the one thing I really want. I can hear him now, he’s in the other room, sulking probably. I wish I knew what I've done to hurt his feelings this time. Che, I can’t seem to open my mouth without hurting him in some way. But then, such frivolities as emotions and empathy were not scheduled into the training of the ‘Perfect Soldier’. All that I know about emotions I learned from a man long dead and from Duo and the rest of my….friends. But it’s not easy to express emotion for me. I’m too well trained at masking all feelings; not suppressing them, masking them. I can’t be open like Duo is, to be honest I don’t know how he does it. He has more then his share of personal daemons, yet he’s still open, bright and full of life. I admire him for that. It takes more strength to be open and demonstrative then it takes to be cold and expressionless like me. It’s one of the reasons I love him so much. He’s lived through his own personal hell yet he’s come out of it a strong, caring and although he doesn’t want people to know it, sensitive person. Albeit a little crazy but who am I to talk. I’m just as screwed up in the head as Duo.:::
My computer beeps, telling me that we’ve received a message. I minimize the word window and open my e-mail program. Finally, something to break the tension and outright boredom of waiting. I scan the e-mail. It’s a solo mission for Wing Zero and I; find the hidden armaments and destroy them. A piece of cake as Duo would say. And speaking of Duo…
"Duo." I lean back in my chair and call through the open door. "A mission’s come through for me. But Doctor J says there may be need for Deathscythe later." I stand up and walk into the kitchen. "So leave the computer on, it will alert you if a message comes through." Duo nods and frowns.
"Man this bites." He mutters "You get to go bust some Oz ass while I’m stuck here." I smirk slightly.
"You’ll get your chance soon enough. Just stick close to the computer and don’t leave." I level a glower at Duo.
"Sheesh! A man makes one mistake and you never let him live it down do you." I cock an eyebrow but say nothing as I walk out the door.
[Duo]
After Heero leaves I putter around the house. It’s borrrriiiiiinnnnngggg!! Why does he get to go on a mission while I stay here in this rathole and wait like a good little boy? There isn't even a radio. So now how am I going to distract myself from certain…inappropriate thoughts about my partner? An hour slowly drags by and I wait semi-patiently. I’m creeping through hour two when the beep from the computer alerts me that an incoming message has come through. I all but bounce into the room and click on the inbox icon. As I thought, there was a message telling me to go back-up Heero. I grin
ferally and close the e-mail program. I am about to shut down the computer when I notice the minimized word program. I click on it and glance at it. Heero must have been writing a mission report when he got his mission. I’m surprised he didn’t save it, that’s not like him. Hmm, he must have been in a hurry to leave. I make a face at the monitor as my thoughts cruise down a depression path. With a sigh I click on the menu bar and I’m about to save it when I notice my name.
Intrigued, I look closer at the document. As I read it over, my jaw drops. Heero...he wrote this!? Whoa…oh man, oh man, oh man! I never would have thought…Heero…Shit! Heero! I ran out of the room and race to where I stashed Deathscythe. Nice one Maxwell, just stand there and gawk while Heero’s in danger, maybe even dying. Oh God, please Heero, be safe. I silently pray as I climb into the cockpit of Deathscythe
[Heero]
I frown as the Mobile Suits surround Wing Zero and I. A silent snarl curls my lips as volley after volley hits Wing Zero. Those bastards, it was a trap!
"Kuso." A mutter as another light turns red on my status panel. A blast hits the side of my cockpit and I’m thrown against the restraints. Something explodes and sparks shower around me. I grit my teeth and push the firing button, but it doesn’t work. I look at the status panel, all guns off line. I draw my thermo sword and try to fight the mobile suits off with it but there are too many of them. "Duo, gomen." I murmured as I split the panel hiding the self-destruct mechanism. I close my eyes and prepare to meet oblivion, but then another explosion rocks the battlefield.
"Sorry I’m late!" Duo’s cheerful voice fills my comlink and my eyes fly open in shock.
"Duo…." I murmur as I look at Deathscythe Hell. The black Gundam moves through the Oz MS easily. I’ll admit that it’s an amazing sight to see Duo fight. He handles his thermo-scythe with almost poetic perfection. I too join the fray and fight with redoubled strength. Maybe I won’t die today after all. Duo’s slightly manic laughter echoes over my comlink and I can almost see the feral smile he has on his face.
"You’ve seen my Gundam, that means you must die!" A slight smirk curls at my lips as I cut through MS after MS. Soon, between the two of us, Duo and I are able to destroy most of the MS. "Hey Heero, we got company at five o’clock." Duo warns and I see the squadron of Leos flying towards us. "Let’s blow this popsicle stand! Did you complete the mission?" I turn on the vidscreen and I see a slightly grim Duo staring back at me.
"It was a trap, there were no weapons."
"Aa, well let’s go." I nod and mercifully, Wing Zero is able to transform. As Duo and I fly away from the Oz base, I think back on the battle. How was Oz able to fool our network so effectively? I frown as I notice how erratic Wing Zero is flying.
"Duo, I’m going to have to set down, I don’t think Wing Zero is going to make it back to the safehouse." Duo curses colorfully and I scan the surrounding area for a place to set Wing Zero down.
Hmm, why is my vision graying? This is odd, I have to set Wing Zero down. I blink and shift, only then do I notice the searing pain running up my leg. A glance down and I notice that a large piece of shrapnel is burrowed in my thigh. I’m slightly alarmed at the amount of blood pooled around my feet and covering my leg. I hope the shrapnel didn’t cut an artery.
"Heero!" Duo shouts and I look up just in time to see the large tree ahead of me. I yank on the control but Wing Zero responds sluggishly and my Gundam smashes almost headlong into the tree. That in itself isn’t a problem, but now I’m crashing through the trees and all the lights are red on my panel. A shrill alarm sounds and I try to shut it off. The emergency lights come on and the cockpit of Wing Zero is bathed in an eerie red light. "Heero! Heero daijoubu!?!" Duo cries. I swallow and start opening a panel.
"Hai, give me a few minutes to get Wing Zero back in the air." I mutter as I start to patch the main systems back together. "How far to the safehouse?"
"Twenty minutes at top speed." Duo informs me. I can’t see his face because all my visuals are offline.
"Okay." As squeeze my eyes shut as the two wires I was splicing spark; but the power to Wing Zero comes back online. I pull another panel free and start slicing wires together but it’s hard to focus on them. I must have hit my head harder then I thought. My screens suddenly blaze into life and I see Deathscythe Hell standing next to me. I began to work on another section and Wing Zero finally start to move again.
"Yatta!" Duo shouts and I key into his visual. The baka American is grinning hugely at me; his blue-violet eyes shining. "Way to go Heero!" I shake my head and try not to smirk at Duo.
"Hn, baka." I blink and shake my head, trying to get rid of the fog that’s clouding my brain. I set Wing Zero off as fast as it can fly. I just hope it and I can make it. After about five minutes, Duo’s concerned voice breaks into my clouded state of mind.
"Oi Heero, are you alright? You’re listing all over the place."
"Just a little hurt." I say, my words slurring slightly. Duo’s eyes darken with concern. "I’ll be find." Duo frown and I close my eyes. "I’ll be fine." I turn off the visual and try to concentrate on keeping Wing Zero in the air.
[Duo]
That bakayaro! I scowl as I watch Wing Zero list to the side slowly. Yeah you’ll be alright Heero, not! I snort derisively. The next ten minutes are terrible. Heero starts to lose more and more control over Wing Zero and the white Gundam starts to lose altitude.
"Chikusho!" I snarl as I fly down and catch Wing Zero. It is very heavy but I think Deathscythe Hell can help carry it back the short distance
to the safehouse. "Heero? Oi Heero?" My heart is in my throat when I get no answer from Heero. "Damn it Heero, wake up!" I shout over the comlink but I still receive no answer. "Damn it Heero you bastard, don’t you dare die on me." I mutter to myself as I adjust the setting on Deathscythe’s arms to make carrying Wing Zero easier. After what seems an eternity, the safehouse and more importantly, the caverns behind it come into sight. I set Deathscythe down in front of the hidden entrance to the underground hanger where Heero and I stow our Gundams. After making sure that Wing Zero would stand on it own two feet, I climb out of the cockpit of Deathscythe and leap the small distance between our gundams. "Heero?" I call as I scramble up the mangled chest of Wing Zero. I wince as I cut myself on a jagged piece of metal. "Kuso!" I growl as my hand slips off its grip because of the blood. I wrap my arm around a restraint and punch the automatic release for the cockpit door. Biting my lip I pull the door open. "Heero!" I gasp as I first see the amount of blood that seems to be everywhere; and then the lack of movement from Heero. I squeeze in as far as I can and unbuckle Heero from his restraints. His arms and legs are covered
with scratches and abrasions. With Heero in my arms, I partially climb, mostly fall, down the side of Wing Zero. After a heavy landing, I readjust Heero and limp slightly back to the safehouse. After setting Heero down on the table and covering him with a blanket, I race back to where our Gundams are. If I don’t get them hidden and Oz does a flyby of this area, we’re screwed. Deathscythe Hell is easy to move into the cavern, but Wing Zero is not. It doesn’t help that Heero has a dozen passcodes to the system "Hmmmm, Relena?" I mutter as I type the name into the keypad, grimacing.
"Access Denied." A cool female voice informs me. Heh, so Heero get a voice system in his Gundam huh? Lucky bastard. Oh well, the cloaking abilities of my mate are a lot cooler. I grin as I type password, after password into the system. "… Omae o Korosu. Ninmu Ryokai? Ninmu Kanryu? Miso Soup!? Kuso!" I snarl. "Damn you Heero, why the Hell do you have to be so complex!?! Think Duo, think!"
"Access Granted."
"Whaaa?" I blink in surprise as Wing Zero comes to life. "Maaaan…is this thing voice activated?"
"Yes." The computer replies, but its voice has shifted…it sounds like me!!
"Heero, you and I have gotta have a talk." I mutter as I move Wing Zero into the cavern next to Deathscythe Hell. "See ya later." I shout as I shut down Wing Zero.
"Goodbye." I shake my head and climb out of Wing Zero. That was kinda of cool, but creepy at the same time. I run back to the safehouse and notice that Heero still hasn’t moved. I grab the med kit and walk over to Heero. With a frown, I cut the spandex shorts off of him, cause I don’t want to move him that much. As I go along, I make a list of all Heero’s injuries. He’s got numerous scratches, the gash in his leg may need stitches, I can’t tell, but I think he may have a concussion, and there’s another deep slice near the hairline of Heero’s forehead. "Baka na." I whisper as I get to work on patching my friend back together.
[Heero]
The pain is the first thing I notice as I float in and out of consciousness. It’s like I’m cast adrift in a sea of pain; with nothing to cling too. But then, almost like an angel of mercy, I hear Duo’s urgent voice call out to me.
"Dammit Heero you bastard, don’t you dare die on me." Duo, if I was capable of it, I’d have smiled right then. It was such a typical thing for Duo to say that I want to tell him that I’m okay, but I can’t get the energy to even open my eyes, much less to form words. But then, everything blacks out again. The next time I awake, I notice that Duo’s arms are wrapped around me and I mentally sigh. Why is it that the one time I can relish having Duo’s arms around me, I’m in too much pain to enjoy it? The universe has a very sick sense of humor. But before I can ponder farther on that thought, I once again black out. The third time I wake up, the pain has dulled and I can feel the sheets wrapped around me. I manage to crack open an eye and wince as the light assaults my oversensitive eyes. After my vision clears, I notice that Duo’s sitting next to my bed reading a book.
"Hey." I manage to croak out as Duo looks at me with startled blue-violet eyes. A huge, relieved grin spreads across his face.
"You’re awake." He says, an odd light in his eyes. Duo reaches out a hand and pushes my heavy bangs back from my face. I nod and smile slightly. Duo hands me a glass of water which I gratefully accept. A thin trickle of water runs down my chin and Duo lightly wipes it away with his hand. "This must be driving you nuts." He murmurs and I look at him not comprehending. "Having to rely on someone else, I know how much you hate admitting weakness." Not when it’s you. I think silently as I lay back and close my eyes. "Ne, Heero, you get better fast ‘kay?" Duo said softly, his eyes blazing. I stare at him, again not comprehending what he’s talking about, but I nod my head. Whatever it is that’s bothering him, it seems to be important, and if it makes him happy…
[Duo]
It’s been a week since I pulled Heero out of Wing Zero. Since then we’ve had to move, but Heero was lucid enough to move Wing Zero to another, safer place last night. Maybe that’s why I’m up tonight.
Because after helping Heero from Wing Zero last night, he had a relapse and is now burning up with a fever. I don’t understand it, he seemed to recover so nicely this week. Why the relapse now? Although I can’t prove it, I’ll bet that being in contact with that damned Zero System is what sent Heero into this relapse. I halfway wish that Heero would just destroy that infernal contraption. It’s caused nothing but pain and tears to the human race. Suddenly, I dimly realize that I’ve dug my nails into my palms so deeply, that I actually split the skin on two places.
"Dammit." I snarl as I kneel down next to Heero’s beside and push his bangs back from his sweating face. He’s restlessly tossing in his sleep, but I’m relieved to find that his fever has dropped some, not much, but some. I stand up and I pull Heero’s covers up over his restlessly moving body. I glance down at him one more time and I’m surprised to see his brilliant eyes open and focused on me. One hand wraps firmly around my wrist and Heero tugs at it hard. I’m thrown off balance and I nearly fall on Heero; but I brace myself just in time and my body hovers over his. Heero gives me a downright sultry smile that’s so uncharacteristic of him, I just stare at him in shock. The smile widens slightly and Heero tugs me against him. It’s then that I regain my senses and I attempt to get off of him but Heero has a iron tight hold on me.
"Don’t move." He growls in my ear as he shifts so that we’re lying on our sides facing each other. Hey, aren’t people supposed to be weaker when they're sick? That irrelevant though runs through my head.
"Um…Heero, I don’t think…"
"Then don’t think." Heero interrupts and pulls me closer while throwing a leg over my own. "No thinking, no regrets." Heero insists, his eyes overly bright with the fever and something else. I sigh and allow Heero to lay my head against his chest. I close my eyes and listen to the steady beat of Heero’s heart. No regrets? I wonder, no regrets… It’s only one night, where’s the harm in that? And like Heero said, no regrets… Yeah no regrets, I smile and drift off to sleep, soothed by the beat of my beloved’s heart…
[Heero]
I wake up to the oddest sensation of holding something warm and pliant in my arms. Ch…chotto matte! Holding!?!? My heart starts to pound when I realize that I’m holding somebody. And that certain somebody has long hair and is male. Kuso! I’m blushing, I can feel it. Che, Heero Yuy does not blush. I open my eyes slowly and note that I’m not just holding Duo in my arms, I’m downright snuggling with him. I frown slightly; Heero Yuy does not snuggle! Duo stirs slightly and I stare at his peaceful face as he snuggles closer and lightly rubs his face against my chest catlike. Entranced, I stare at Duo. It’s so rare to see him so at peace. Even in his sleep he can’t seem to sit still or be quiet. So this rare event is even more surreal and precious. Hn, maybe some Kami decided to be nice for once and grant all my hidden dreams and fantasies…kuso! I’m blushing again ! Finally, Duo’s breathing alters and in blurry blue-violet eyes cracks open.
"Ai…" My eyes widen…ai shiteru!? Where’d that come from!? I could never say that too Duo. Duo lifts his head and stares at me with confused and curious eyes.
"What?" he asks softly, breaking the spell that’s held me enthralled for nearly an hour.
"Nandemo." I whisper and for some strange reason, Duo’s face is blurring, getting closer. Wait, am I moving? Without any conscious decision, I brush my lips across Duo’s. When he does nothing, I try it again; this time pressing closer. I back away and Duo’s staring at me; seemingly frozen.
"He…Heero?" Duo murmurs and I sit up; making my face expressionless.
"Gomen ne." I murmur miserably, none of my hurt and confusion coloring my voice. Duo scowls and suddenly yanks on my arm; causing me to sprawl across him. I blink and for an instant freeze, but then I start to struggle.
"Oh no you don’t." Duo all but growls, his eyes narrowed. "You think you can just do that and then walk away?" I look at Duo coldly. "Stop it Heero!" Duo commands. "Stop the acting. Can’t you at least be your true self around me? Do you trust me so little?"
"What?" I ask confused.
"I know that you’re not some emotionless killer! So why act like it around me, I thought…I thought we were friends. I thought…" Duo closes his eyes and murmurs something so low I barely hear it. "I thought that you loved me…"
"Duo…." I whisper.
"I know you’re human, Heero. I know it because this," Duo lays his hand over his heart. "Tells me so and because this," Duo then lays his hand over my heart. "Tells me so." Duo lifts a hand and pushes my bangs back from my eyes. "Prove me wrong, Heero." Duo murmurs a scant second before he kisses me. Prove him wrong, how could I? Duo leans back slightly and lays his forehead against mine so he can stare into my eyes.
"I can’t." I admit and Duo grins as he kisses me again. Kami-sama, this is better then anything I ever dreamt of. Oh no…I’m blushing again!? Duo smiles and then stares at me surprised.
"You’re blushing…" he murmurs in awe.
"I am not!" I protest, but my burning face belies my words. "Heero Yuy does not blush!" Duo laughs and shifts so he can wrap his arms around me.
"As much as I’d love to know what you’re thinking right now, it’s best it you rest." I nod and lay my head against Duo’s shoulder. "There’ll be plenty of time for that when you’re better." Duo informs me with a devilish glint in his eyes. I nod with a smirk of my own. I might not be able to tell Duo how I feel, but he’s clever. Besides, from the looks of things, everything is going to be very interesting from now on. Yes, very interesting. But I do know one thing, whatever happens, I won’t regret it.
~owari~
-Sheira
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Wufei, tell me. How many more people do we have to kill? How many more times do I have to kill that girl and her puppy...?" -Heero, Endless Waltz vol 3 "Return to Forever"
Keeper of Heero's Yellow Sneakers
Co-Keeper of the Voices Inside Duo's Head (with Sailor Zoisite)