07 Jan 2000
WARNING: Massive OOC and Squish ahead, read at your own risk, it's majorly over dramatic and sux IMHO.
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*eg* Now, /this/ one is shounen ai, and possibly yaoi warning ahead. I don’t own Gundam Wing so please don’t sue; I have no money. ::pulls only lint from her pockets:: See? But if you don’t like shounen ai then I strongly suggest you don’t read farther, that’s all.
Based on the song “Angel” Sarah McLachlan
[Flahsback]
~~ Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay ~~
Duo sighed as he tossed and turned in his bed. He couldn’t sleep; he hadn’t been able to sleep since Heero had left. Who would have thought he would get so used to sleeping next to Heero? And now that he was gone, Duo hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep in weeks.
“Duo no baka.” He muttered sourly as he punched the pillow a few times to fluff it and lay on his side facing the door hoping beyond hope that it would open and a certain Japanese pilot would walk in. Duo continued to stare at the door until he finally drifted into a fitful sleep in the pre-dawn hours.
~~ there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day ~~
“If Azrael-san would pay attention, we could continue with the lecture.” Duo winced at the ice dripping from his teacher’s voice.
“Gomen nasai, sensei.” Duo whispered, a flush staining his cheeks. He tried to keep his eyes open but the lack of sleep and sheer boredom of the lecture was pulling him towards the land of Nod. Someone kicked Duo’s desk and his slightly blood-shot eyes popped open.
“Duo.” The Gundam pilot looked over at the blond boy sitting next to him. He didn’t know how he had done it, but somehow Quatre had managed to enroll not only in the same school as Duo, but most of his classes as well. Although he didn’t say anything, Duo knew that the blond Arabian was here because he, like the rest of the Gundam pilots, with the possible exception of Heero, were worried about him. Duo managed to toss a careless grin at Quatre and turned his attention back to the lecture.
~~ I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins ~~
“Yoshi!” Duo cheered as he threw his meager belongings into his knapsack. With school being on a two week long break for the winter holidays, Duo was free for more then two weeks and he intended to enjoy it. After long consideration, Duo had accepted Quatre’s invitation to stay with him. The blond Arabian had mentioned something about getting all the Gundam pilots together for a little ‘Christmas Cheer.’
“Prolly just wanna keep me from getting into trouble.” Duo murmured with a manic grin. “Man they don’t know me very well do they?” But even Duo had to admit that it was going to be a wee bit hard to get arrested out in the middle of the Alps. They were going to stay at the chateau that Quatre owned and Duo was looking forward to a few weeks spent skiing, even though he didn’t know how to ski. Ice skating, another thing he didn’t know how to do. Sledding, yet another thing he /didn’t/ know how to do….. Duo groaned. “Man what was I thinking?” he wondered to himself. “Che, If I keep this up I’m gonna depress myself!” Duo shouldered his pack and bounced out the door his braid flopping jauntily behind him.
~~ let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight ~~
Duo deeply inhaled the fresh and piney scent of the forest around him as he trudged along the snow-laden path during his nightly jog. In the three days he had been here, an odd yet wondrous peacefulness had overcome him. Nothing, not even Wufei’s rants about Justice and Quatre’s fussing could unseat this inner serenity. He felt, at peace…alive! Duo’s grin was feral. It had been a long time since he had simply felt alive. Duo whistled a cheeky song to go with his grin as he sped down the path. Duo breathed in deeply again, yes coming here had definitely been a good idea. He’d gotten the chance to get away from his tedious everyday routines; away from the seemingly endless missions, for a moment, he was free. Duo’s grin slipped into a genuine smile and he let his thoughts drift to the one person who could make this respite perfect, or a living Hell. Heero…. Duo’s blue-violet eyes darkened with sadness and for the millionth time he mentally slapped himself for blurting out those stupid words in the heat of an argument. It was his fault Heero had left; he’d scared the poor Japanese pilot off.
~~ In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear ~~
[Duo snuggled deeper into Heero’s embrace, the two lovers still basking in the afterglow of their lovemaking.
“Heero…” Duo whispered looking up at his lover.
“Hn.” Heero grunted not bothering to open his eyes.
“Promise me you won’t leave me ever….” Heero’s Prussian blue eyes narrowed and he sat up. Duo blinked pushing his long chestnut bangs from his eyes. Confusion darkened his beautifully hued eyes as he stared at Heero who was expressionless save for the intense burning light in his eyes.
“Duo don’t be stupid.” Heero sighed wearily sitting on the edge of the bed. “We’re Gundam pilots, expendable. We could die tomorrow, there is no room for such frivolous promises in our lifestyle.” Heero started to pull his clothes on, a tactic he used when he knew he and Duo were about to argue. He loomed over Duo and the American pilot simply stared at him with the wounded eyes of a doe.
“Heero…I…No!” Duo shouted violently. “I’m not going to let the possibility of death stop me from having a fulfilling relationship! Especially if it’s going to be the last one I ever have!” Duo wrapped the sheet around his waist and leapt to his feet. His long chestnut hair was free of its braid and it fell over his shoulders and curled down his back till nearly mid-thigh. It was still wavy from being confined and the light that filtered through the motel windows shone upon it, bringing out the honey-gold highlights.
Heero breathed in deeply knowing he was being unreasonable. He understood very well the insecurity that Duo felt, the fear that each night could be their last. Maybe it would have been for the best if they had never gotten involved, but Heero knew that was a lie. He would not have traded a single second of it in exchange for the peace of mind that comes from not having to worry about another.
“Heero…I love you dammit!” Duo cried his fists clenched and white against the white sheet. Heero seemed to /freeze/ and his eyes died and went flat as he put up barriers around himself emotionally by retreating. Without a single word he walked out the door, he had to think. Yes, he needed to think….Duo stared at the closed door that Heero had walked through and bonelessly sank to his knees; his hair pooling around him. The young pilot tried to contain the broken sobs that broke free from his throat.
Duo squeezed his eyes shut and tried to will the tears that were stinging his eyes back, but it didn’t work and the little droplets trickled down his cheeks. The American sat huddled on the floor wrapped up in his own hair rocking back and forth in grief for the rest of the night. It wasn’t until the next night that the dreams started to haunt him again.]
~~ you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there ~~
Duo scowled as he wiped at the sweat that beaded his brow despite the freezing temperature of the air. Duo suddenly realized that he was sobbing for breath and that the very air seemed to drive needles of ice into his throat.
“Uh oh.” He thought. “I guess I overdid it a little. Che.” Duo slowed to a walk and tried to take a deep breath but it hurt so much he clenched at his chest in pain. “Kuso.” He cursed as he walked rather unsteadily down the path. A mirthless smile graced Duo’s lips. “It would be so much easier just to sit down here and let the cold numb away the pain, all of it. Numb the ache in my heart, stop me from seeing him whenever I close my eyes…” Duo whispered softly the smile of Shimigami lingering on his features. The smile of death, people had called it. Duo trudged forward but he tripped over a protruding root and fell to the ground. A dry rattle that may have been a chuckle was emitted from his throat and he laughed outright at the irony of the situation. To think he could die out here from hypothermia after he had survived countless battles with Deathscythe. Duo curled his legs to his chest and his entire frame shook with laughter.
“You idiot! What are you doing!?”
~~ So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back ~~
Duo looked up as the voice he had been dreaming of for the past weeks met his ears. He looked up into the dark, furious eyes of Heero and grinned.
“Well hello lover, how are you this fine day?” Duo asked a manic edge to his voice. “Go away.” He willed silently. “Just go away, leave me alone.” Duo suddenly felt old, and ancient. Heero knelt down next to him and stared into the blue-violet eyes of his partner.
“Duo, you’re freezing, lets go inside okay?” Duo smiled mirthlessly.
“No it’s okay, I think I’ll stay out here.” The American pilot said with no cheer. “There’s nothing for me in there.” He murmured softly and Heero’s eyes tightened. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to shake Duo, or hug him. So he clenched his hands at his side and didn’t even pay attention when his fingernails cut little half-crescents into the skin
. “I’m here.” Heero whispered miserably and Duo laughed hollowly.
“Yeah like you’ve been for the past six weeks. Go away, Heero.” Bitterness dripped from Duo’s voice. “There is no point to you being here, and you aren’t wanted.” Heero rolled back on his heels as if he had been slapped. In truth it would have been far kinder then Duo’s cruel words. Physical pain he could deal with; had been trained to deal with. But what was this dull ache and longing inside his chest, why did looking at Duo so miserable cause this despairing, sharp pain to flood his heart?
~~ and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack ~~
He was Heero Yuy! The Perfect Soldier, he could set his own bones, but he couldn’t mend his breaking heart. A heart that was a lot more brittle then he had ever thought possible. With just one word, this beautiful boy could shatter it and thus shatter Heero himself. For the longest time he had lied to himself, saying he didn’t /need/ such things as friends, a lover…love. Heero reached out a long fingered hand and grasped Duo’s chin forcing the violet-blue eyes to meet his own.
“I’m not leaving.” Heero whispered. “Not now, not ever.” Duo simply looked up at him with flat, barren eyes as a bitter and cynical smile twisted his lips.
“Dream on, Yuy.” Duo said coldly. “This is war, such promises mean /nothing/ because we are both eventually going to die. You’ll leave, Heero, you’ll die and I’ll be alone. Or maybe I’ll die and you’ll live on for a while. Either way, there is no ‘happily ever after’, not for this story. Not for us.” Duo’s eyes suddenly turned fierce and sparkled with anger. “Stop dreaming.” He spat softly as he jerked his face from Heero’s hand. The slender American climbed to his feet and coldly turned his back on Heero. “Just get lost! I don’t want to see or talk to you.” With that, Duo walked away taking the path he had just come down, following his tracks in the snow.
~~ it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees ~~
Duo threw himself on his bed and covered his face with his pillow. Someone knocked on his door and he groaned.
“Go away.” He called.
“Duo? Are you okay?” Quatre asked hesitantly. Duo’s grin was bitter and cynical.
“Yeah I’m fine.” He said. “But I’m going to get some sleep, can you leave me alone please?” Quatre frowned unhappily.
“Okay, I guess.” Quatre sighed and walked back to his room.
“Is he going to be alright?” Trowa asked as Quatre wrapped his arms around his tall lover.
“Hai, I guess.” The blond Arabian murmured. “Let’s get some sleep.”
Inside his room, Duo sat up and walked over to the window. He stared at the reflection in the window, his reflection. Duo looked into the haunted violet-blue eyes of the boy and reached out a hand to lay against the cold window. A silvery tear tracked down the boy’s cheek and Duo touched that cheek and then touched his own, feeling the moisture on his fingertips.
“How pathetic can I get?” Duo wondered out loud as he sat down and leaned against the window. He looked at the dark corners of his room and brooded. Duo made his decision and he stood up and started to pack his belongings into a carry-sack. He wasn’t going to spend the next two weeks in close proximity with Heero. Not when he nearly broke down every time the Japanese pilot got near him. He was Duo Maxwell! He wasn’t going to break down in front of anyone, especially Heero. Duo ironed his resolve and walked from his room resolutely while trying to ignore the voice calling him a coward for running away. The long-haired boy walked silently into the hanger and towards his Gundam.
“Running away?” a cold voice stopped Duo dead in his tracks. Duo slowly turned around and saw Heero standing beside the door.
~~ In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear ~~
“What makes you think that?” Duo asked as Heero stalked forward.
“You can’t leave yet.” Heero insisted.
“No I think I can leave whenever I feel like it.” Duo said through clenched teeth. Heero’s eyes narrowed and his hands fell on Duo’s shoulders. The chestnut haired boy tried to shrug Heero’s hands off but the Japanese boy tightened his grip on Duo’s shoulders.
“You can’t leave yet.” Heero repeated. “Not till I give you your Christmas present.” Duo’s eyes widened slightly and he tried to back away.
“Dammit, Heero, just leave me alone! Haven’t you hurt me enough you sadistic bastard?” Duo’s eyes burned with tears as he glared at Heero and he furiously wiped at the tears before they could spill. “What do you want to see me cry? Maybe beg you to come back to me? Well that’s not happening!” Duo suddenly decked Heero and the short-haired boy fell back and something flew from his hands and landed at Duo’s feet.
~~ you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there ~~
The furious boy looked silently down at the shining necklace that lay at his feet. Heero looked down an indescribable look in his blue eyes. Duo knelt down and picked the necklace up. The pendant that hung from the intricate chain was beautiful shield. The design on the shield was simple, a dragon clutching a sword and rose, set inside a circle.
“It was given to me by Odin Lowe.” Heero whispered. “He said it was my family crest, he was my father….I think.” Heero frowned slightly. “I don’t know for certain, we never talked about it.” Duo looked at Heero with burning violet-blue eyes. “I’ve kept it with me always, it’s probably my most prized possession. Even more so then Wing.” Duo blinked slightly, surprised. Instinctively, Duo’s hand reached up and clutched the crucifix that hung around his neck beneath his clothing. Heero frowned once again, but an anxious look was on his face. “I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s important to me, and…I want you to have it.”
~~ you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here ~~
“What?” Duo asked bewildered.
“I think it’s fitting that my most prized possession should be worn by the most important person in the world to me.” Heero said it so softly Duo barely heard the last part. But with a tremulous smile, Duo walked forward as if afraid Heero would bolt. The Japanese boy met Duo’s eyes for the first time. “I panicked, Duo, and I have no excuse for that. I hurt you and I’m sorry for that.”
“Apology accepted.” Duo murmured as he reached for Heero.
“I don’t want to lose you Duo, promise me you’ll give back my necklace in person after the war.” Heero’s eyes were intense as they burned into Duo’s.
“I promise.” Duo reached up and took off his crucifix. “Now you promise to return my cross in person to me after the war. Your word okay?”
Heero nodded and put on the crucifix as Duo put on the crest. Heero reached out and pulled Duo into his arms.
“Ai shiteru. Kimi wa watashi no kokoro. [1]” He whispered as he buried his head in Duo’s chestnut hair. Duo hugged Heero back and the two walked back to his room. There, the two lovers simply lay in each other’s arms the throughout the entire night and talked. Finally, as dawn broke, Duo slipped into a peaceful sleep smiling as the words from an old earth song played through his head:
In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
~owari~
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[1] trans: “You are my heart” (I hope I got that right :::sweatdrop::: Ano…..what was I on when I wrote this…..? -_-;;; As everyone can tell, I’m a total and utter sap. I write fluff, sap, romantic and sadly they /all/ lack any plot what so ever. ::sighs and hangs head:::: Gomen nasai for the massive butchering of character AS per usual, I’m terrible at this. What can I say?