13 Jan 2000
Okay, I feel really bad about not posting anything lately so I figured I'd send this in. It was the first GW fanfic I ever wrote. It's kinda angsty though and
as always I lack the skills to keep the charas IC ::sweatdrop:: So gomen for OOC. And....:::gasp:: It's NOT yaoi or shounen ai!
Shea: Impossible. :::dryly:::
=P Well anyway...um standard disclaimers, I don't own Gundam Wing, I'm just using the characters illegally cuz I could never come up with such a kick ass storyline! Don't sue, I have no money, all of my money is going to college and you wouldn't want to deprive me of my education would you? ::anime tears:::
Oh! And BTW, since this ficcie is confusing, I'm supposed to be writing a sequel so it becomes more clear, buuuuut I'm stuck on it and it's been moved to the back, back burner.
Based on the song "It Can't Rain All The Time" by Jane
Siberry
The War had finally ended, I was free of missions, of killing. I had retired Shinigami, yet the darkness within me still remained. The evil, and dark part of me that had eaten my soul and any chance for redemption a long time ago. Maybe that is why I am here on this day, sitting out here for hours in the rain. At first I had been cold, but now I am just kind of numb all over and I don’t even notice the biting wind as it cuts through my thin jacket. The rain had stopped a while ago and the wind had replaced it; what nasty weather. Why am I here, what’s the reason for my being here on a terrible day like this? Maybe I’m searching for answers, maybe I’m searching for my soul….
~~ We walked the narrow path, beneath the smoking skies.
Sometimes you can barely tell the difference, between darkness and light. ~~
I think about the nightmarish war I had so recently escaped from alive. Who was the true enemy? I have wondered about this for a long time. Who are the true murderers? Didn’t we all prove time and again that we were dangerous, didn’t we all kill? I look up at the dark, threatening sky; a storm is coming, I can smell it in the air.
"Answer me this." I silently plead to an entity that I’m not even sure I believe in anymore. "If you really exist, answer me this….Who were the bad guys in that war, where was the line between good and evil. Did we…did /I/ crossed over it?"
~~ Do you have faith in what we believe?
The truest test is when we cannot, when we cannot see.
~~
I shake my head, not expecting or receiving an answer. I don’t even know why I fought anymore. Maybe I once believed in our fight, but then I became Death Incarnate. All I touch withers and dies, how apt a name I chose, Shinigami; God of Death, the Grim Reaper, Angel of Death… I could go on forever. I check to see that no one is nearby, to check that I am all alone. Then I allow my grief to overcome me, let the sorrow well up. I squeeze my eyes shut and raise my face to the sky overhead. A raindrop falls upon my face, soon followed by another and another.
~~ I hear pounding feet in the, in the streets below, and the,
And the women crying, and the children know that,
there's something wrong, and it's hard to believe that love will prevail. ~~
The rain steadily falls and my tears mix with them; masked and hidden like everything else I feel. Heero, he may be a master at repressing his feeling but I am a master of masks; a master of disguising my true feelings, never letting anyone see past the smiling face. The rain has darkened my long chestnut hair to the color of dried blood and it hangs heavy and wet against my soaked shirt. I smile bitterly and look down at my hands half expecting to see the blood of my victims, the innocent woman and children I had killed, there staining them. I focus on my hands, willing the blood to show and I don’t hear the soft footfall behind me.
~~Oh it won't rain all the time
The sky won't fall forever. ~~
"Duo, you will catch your death of cold if you stay out here in this freezing rain." A soft voice whispers and the rain suddenly stops. My heavily lashed eyes slowly close and I slip my mask back into place.
"I’m fine, really." I say cheerfully as I turn to face Heero. I push my rain laden bangs away form my face and wipe the rain and tears from my face in the process. Heero continues to look at me, his face impassive, but as odd light shows in his dark, piercing blue eyes.
"You’re lying." Heero says softly and I look at him sharply. "You don’t think I can’t notice? That I don’t see the terrible devastation in your gaze?"
~~ And though the night seems long,
Your tears won't fall forever. ~~
I look at Heero curiously.
"How….?" I start to ask.
"How did I know?" Heero holds out his right hand. "My hands have shed much blood Duo, some innocent, and some not so innocent. And everyday I look into the mirror and see the horrors I have done reflected in that face I see." Heero bowed his head and his eyes drifted close. "And I see the same look in your eyes." He looks at me, his eyes torn and full of emotion he can’t express.
Emotion he may never be /able/ to express because he is who he is. "You and I are more similar then we think, Duo and we are both very much alone in this world gone mad."
~~ Oh when I'm lonely, I lie awake at night, and I wish you were here.
I miss you. Can you tell me is there something more to believe in?
Or is this all there is? ~~
My heart aches at Heero’s words, truer words were never spoken.
"Then can you answer my question Heero?" I ask feeling vulnerable and small. The Japanese pilot wraps his coat around my thin shoulders.
"Ask me when we get inside Duo." He commands and I nod numbly. Maybe he can tell me why we fought, what there is to believe in anymore. Maybe he can see past the Shinigami and find a small part of Duo Maxwell, a small sliver of my soul still alive.
~~ And the pounding feet, in the,
In the streets below, and the,
And the window breaks and,
And a woman falls, there's,
There's something wrong, it's,
It's hard to believe that love will prevail. ~~
We are back at my small apartment. Since the end of the War I have tried to take on the normal life of a seventeen-year old boy. And I have mostly been successful, unless you count the nightmares that continue to haunt my sleep. But who doesn’t come out of a war without a few scars, both physical and mental? I look around my cramped apartment and walk into the even more cramped kitchen to put some coffee on.
"I’m going to change into some dry clothes." I say with no emotion as I close the door to my room and dig through my closet searching for some clean clothing.
I have been neglecting doing my laundry for a while now and it is to the point that I have to scrounge for clean clothes to wear to school. I frown when I notice the only clean set of clothing I have is my old ensemble. The black shirt with its priest’s collar, the long sleeves rolled up above the elbows. I growl and shake my head. I had given up wearing my old clothes; had cut my ties to that part of my life when the war ended. Besides, I have no right to wear anything the even resembled the Cloth, I would dirty it too. I shiver as my wet clothes cling to my body and a cold draft wafts past me. The heating system in my building doesn’t work half the time, but of all the times for it not to work…. I glance down at my wet clothes and back at my old ensemble and with a resigned sigh, I begin to peel my wet clothing off.
~~ Oh it won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever. ~~
I walk back into the living room and notice Heero pouring himself and I a cup of strong black coffee. I accept the warm mug with a grateful smile and we sit down at my rickety table.
"So, are you ready to talk?" Heero asks after a while.
~~ And though the night seems long,
Your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall,
Forever. ~~
I sigh and begin to tell him about all the fears and doubts that had assailed me during the War. He nods slowly and sipped at his coffee. By the time I have gotten to the part about my disbelief in God I am shaking and to my horror, I feel a tear slip down my cheek. I furiously wipe at my offending eyes and will the salty tears back. Heero stands up and leads me to the couch and we sat down. He wraps his arm around me and I lean my head against his shoulder.
"Go on and cry, I won’t tell anyone, your secret is safe with me." He murmurs and I nod my head jerkily and sob against his shoulder softly, wetting his hunter green tank top. Heero strokes my hair the entire time and he listens as I finish spilling my heart out.
"I just feel so dead." I sniffle. "Like there is nothing left within me but Death. Am I only Shinigami, has the real me died?" Heero’s arms tighten around me when I murmur those words but I pay him no heed. "Am I only good for war and death, do I even have a right to live? All I have done my entire life is hurt others. I’ve killed and enjoyed it, I’m a monster, I don’t deserve to live."
Heero sighs and tilts my head up.
"Do you really believe that?" he asks his eyes glacial and cold and and I close my eyes and nod miserably.
"Very well. I free you little Angel of Death." I feel Heero gently kiss my forehead and hear a gun cock. My eyes fly open and then everything fades to blackness…
~~Last night I had a dream.
You came into my room. You took me into your arms.
Whispering and kissing me, and telling me to still believe.
But then the emptiness of a burning sea against which we see,
Our darkest of sadness. ~~
"I think he’s coming to." I hear a dim voice whisper and I fight against the blackness that holds me down. Fight against the wooly, boggy feeling and fight to open my eyes. I open my leaden eyes and find myself staring at the beautifully angelic face of Quatre. The young blond’s delicately arched eyebrows are drawn together in a frown of concern.
"H... Hey Duo." Quatre says cheerfully, smiling brightly; a smile that doesn’t quite reach his blue eyes.
"Whaa?" I try to ask but my tongue feels wooden and has the aftertaste of medicine on it. A long fingered hand holding a glass of water comes into my line of sight and I look up at Trowa and gratefully take the water. It helps to quench my thirst. "What happened? Where’s Heero?" I ask, my mind clearing some more.
"Heero?" Trowa and Quatre ask confused.
"Yes, he shot me, I thought I’d died."
"Shot you!?" Quatre yelped looking at Trowa in confusion.
"No, Duo I think you’re confused." I look at Trowa, my mind still foggy.
"About what?"
"You caught a bad case of pneumonia, someone found you collapsed in the park near your house and he immediately rushed you to the hospital…" I blink and try think about what Trowa has said.
"So it was all a dream?" I murmur.
"Yeah, aren’t you glad?" Quatre asks with forced cheer and I look at him blindly. It was all a dream, all of it. Heero holding the umbrella, our talking, him comforting me. Stroking my hair…him saying he’d free me, then shooting me. Yeah of course I am relieved it was a dream, aren’t I?
~~Until I felt safe and warm.
I fell asleep in your arms.
When I awoke I cried again for you were gone.
Oh can you hear me? ~~
"Wufei, Sally, Zechs, and Noin were here, but they had to leave yesterday. They didn’t want to but they have a lot of work with the Preventers and all." Quatre said and I nod, not really paying attention to him "They’ll be relieved to know you’re alright, you had us all worried for a while." The blond Arab points at all the flowers and get-well balloons around the room.
"Relena was here those first few days, see there’s her flowers." I look at the beautiful, elegant bouquet of flowers by my bedside. Trowa nudges Quatre and he nods sadly.
"The doctor said we weren’t supposed to wear you out Duo…" Trowa hesitantly murmurs and I look at them both, sad and relieved that they are leaving. I flash them my best and most cheerful smile.
"I"ll be fine." I reassure them and grab their hands. "Thank you for staying with me while I was sick."
"Was the least we could do." Trowa said gruffly and Quatre’s smile was a lot less forced and was brighter. "Get well soon Duo okay?" I nod and the two leave the room.
~~ It won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
Your tears won't fall forever. ~~
I sit for a long time simply sorting through my thoughts. After a while I get a little stir crazy so I get out of bed and walk over to the window seat. I wobble but I make it to the small padded bench with no incident. I stare out the window and notice that it’s still raining and I lean my head against the glass panel. I must have fallen asleep because when I open my eyes again there is a small letter laying in my lap. I look curiously around but the room is empty. So I pick up the white letter and open it and begin to read:
Duo,
Don’t die, you are not Shinigami, you are Duo, always
keep that in mind. And always remember that if Fate,
or God hadn’t wanted you to be here, you wouldn’t be
here, alive and well. So never lose hope, and
remember that you are loved otherwise….omae o korosu.-Heero
p.s.: Get well soon, my friend
I read over the letter again and my eyes swim. Maybe…maybe it all wasn’t a dream after all… I smile tremulously and stare out the window as the rain lessens. A tear runs down my cheek and I don’t bother to wipe it off. Yes, the rain is good for hiding your tears, but there was something I had forgotten, something very important. Eventually the rain has to stop and the sun would shine again. I stare out the window as the clouds break and the warm beams of the sun fall on the courtyard below. I blink and I look down sharply, for I thought I had seen Heero standing down there, in a patch of sunlight. But when I look again, he isn’t there. I smile slightly and hug Heero’s letter to my chest.
"I won’t die, Heero, Ninmu Ryoukai." I whisper as I stare out the window and at the sun-dappled courtyard below.
~~ It won't rain all the time.
The sky won't fall forever.
And though the night seems long,
Your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall, your tears won't fall,
Forever. ~~
=====
-Sheira
Keeper of Heero's Yellow Sneakers
Co-Keeper of the Voices Inside Duo's Head (with Sailor Zoisite)