15-Mar-2000
::gasps:: I sent int /two things/ today. You guys must be shocked, I sure am. ^-^ It's short and I wrote it in like 20 mins so be gentle. ::scratches head:::La de da da...this is just one confusing flow of thought from what is /supposed/ to be Trowa's thoughts on himself and the other pilots. Daaaaa he’s hard to write! Sheesh! So expect OOC k?
References to shounen ai, but nothing solid. I don’t own GW, you and I both know that so instead of suing me, have fun and go read MORE GW fics and draw lotsa of nice pics and visit lots of GW sites until we’re infected the entire world with GW!!
I look down at the flute in my hands. It’s such a bright instrument, a perfect foil for my own tarnished self.
Much like Quatre is; a bright and open person. He’s so free with his emotions, always expressing how he feels in every single thing he does.
I admire that. Maybe once I was like that, maybe. I look down and keep my face expressionless. Stop thinking about the past, it does nothing but harm.
I’m alone, so I allow the small frown to play across my face; it’s safe. Maybe once I was innocent, but no longer. And I haven’t been for a long time, eternity it seems. And it feels like I’d been alone for just as long...at least until I met Quatre.
I can’t explain what he did to me, how he managed to sneak so stealthily through my barriers. But he did and he suceeded in his task of capturing my heart wholly. I may not know how he did it, but I’m grateful. I wouldn’t want to end up like Yuy, a lost wolf striking out at whoever offers to help him. Oh, he keeps his fangs hidden, but I can see how chaotic he truly is behind that cold expressionless face. How tightly strung his psyche is. I don’t even know if Duo can save Yuy from himself.
I lift my flute to my lips and blow a few experimental notes before I start to play a lonely, haunting song.
Duo is the reason I’m so upset today. It’s not his fault really, Duo was just being...Duo. The brash and hurt youth who hides behind a joker’s mask. Duo, the one who could rival Quatre for life, if not be more alive than my precious angel.
Once again, the perfect foil for Yuy, but unlike my brighter half, Duo has many shadows and scars on his soul. Maybe that’s what makes him who he is, a boy who claims to be Death, yet brings life to our whole group. A boy who sent even me into tormoil with a simple and innocent question.
He asked me how I, a person who seems so cold and emotionless could convey music so beautifully. And I couldn’t answer him. I don’t know how I can make music so beautiful when I’m so dirtied and sullied. When I am lacking in so much emotions.
Sure I have it them, but I’ve suppressed my emotions for so long, I’ve all but killed them off. At least they’re slowly coming back with the help of Quatre...with the help of all my...friends.
They are my friends, all of them and all for different reasons. Heero for his quiet competence that although can apppear cold at first glance, is really a well of strength for us all. Duo because he brings life and laughter to all he touches, and because despite everything, he never lost his spirit. Wufei whose gruff warrior’s exterior shields a gentler soul, I’m sure of it. He may be the most aloof and sarcastic of us, but he does care. And while his advice may be stinging and painful, he is wise for one so young. In another life I imagine he’d have been a scholar, or a great teachter instead of a soldier.
And lastly, but by far not least, Quatre. My own personal saviour, the one who brings us all together, and nurtures us all. He brings us together and makes us a family.
A family, is that what we are? Perhaps, not all families are simply by blood. But if one were to consider, we are bound by the blood we’ve shed together. I smile slightly as I finish my song.
Yes a family, that’s what we are. Albeit a diverse and somewhat dysfunctional familiy, but what family doesn’t have it’s problems?
I begin to play again, this time a happy and warm melody that reflects my inner mood. Then it hits me and I stare down at my flute in shock. /This/ is how I express myself. My music, it reflects my mood, it expresses what I cannot in words.
Is this why I play the flute so well? Could I....could I be this beautiful inside. Panick wells up inside of me at the thought. I...I am this beautiful inside? I’m not tarnished?
I shake my head, of course not! I’m not like that inside...am I? Masaka! I break down my flute and put it away, too troubled perhaps to play. And deep down inside, I know there’s a part of me that is beautiful, there has to be, otherwise I could never make such moving music.
Maybe one day when this war is over, I might be able to explore that part of me.
With the help of my family of course.
~owari~
Note:
[1] /Hopefully/ means family in Spanish. Never took Spanish so I don't know if that's right ::sweatdrop:: I speak more Japanese then Spanish and I live in Texas...does anyone else find this a bit odd?
=====
-Sheira
Keeper of Heero's Yellow Sneakers
Co-Keeper of the Voices Inside Duo's Head (with Sailor Zoisite)