16-May-2002
Title: Death’s Waltz
Author: Sita Seraph
Genre: Angst, Romance
Pairing: 1x2, 2x???
Rated: PG-13
Warning: OOC maybe? Swearing.
The light was right before me, stretching it’s way across the snow-covered ground, reaching out to penetrate the darkness of night. The moon was gone, hiding bashfully behind the clouds moving lazily in the atmosphere. It was only I, the eternal darkness, and the fading light radiating out the clear window of the house before me. Even so far away, I could hear the light music of Christmas tunes spilling forth from the welcoming home. Even so close, I couldn’t bring myself to step out of the darkness caving in around me and step into the light. Because then…then you might…
You might see me.
I watched longingly at the long, chestnut braid swinging back and forth happily. I watched the lean, tall body bend and stretch. I watched the fingers delicately hold onto the balls’ hook before placing them on the stretching limbs of the tree. I could only watch, my eyes tracing over the curve of your body that I knew so well with my hands, with my mind. I could remember the faint bullet scar on your left shoulder blade, deep, red, and gashing. Something my middle finger would dig into as you rocked above me, taking me on a trip of ecstasy with our cries of desire floating on the winds. I remembered the different hews of red, brown, and blonde that graced your flowing hair, which you kept captive in that tight braid. As if you were afraid that someone might see the different highlights of your thick hair. As if you were afraid that someone might fall in love with it…
Like I have.
You, my secret lover, stretched your body to reach to the top of the tree, a hollow wooden cross in hand. Leave it to you to try to find something more meaningful then a guardian angel or a heavenly star. Leave it to you to put a cross on the top of the tree to protect your family on this celebrated season. To celebrate 6 years since the last time you saw an armed weapon.
Finally, the cross was crowned on top of the fake tree and the object of my affection fell back off the tiny ladder to look at your handy work. A pleased smile crossed your features, one I have seen so many times before, lighting up your violet eyes like the new morning sun. You wiped your forehead, bangs swaying lightly and tickling your nose, which you began to scratch thoughtfully.
And then they came.
Barely seen over the windowsill came the bobbing of wondrous golden locks, thinned down by small strands of brown. You turned your head and looked down, a smile brightening your features yet once again. Your mouth moved, asking a question, yet it was unheard by the thick glass window. Slowly, you reached down and suddenly the mop of hair finally had an owner. There was the whoosh of a dark blue blanket with stars, moons, and suns all in gold before the body of a three-year old boy emerged from their depths. He smiled widely, giving little giggles of glee I supposed, as you swung him around high in the air. I’ve been watching this warm house for days now and I’ve come to realize that this was only when the young toddler really smiled. When you picked him up and gave him the world as the both of you soared and twisted through the air.
That boy was going to be a pilot someday.
You tucked the young baby under your arm; his strands of golden hew getting in his eyes. He had long and thick hair, just like his parents.
Just like you and your wife.
I frowned sadly as you was talking animatedly with you son, pointing at the tree. The smile was beginning to disappear from the baby’s lips, watching the tree with intense, dark, dark blue eyes. Filled with awareness, an intelligent glint behind his eyes. But he barely spoke, so shy. So much unlike his father. So much like Shinigami.
You put down the 3 year old as soon as you were done talking, a smile on your lips. You knew too that your little boy was smart. You knew too that your son understood the words that you spoke.
Suddenly, the dash of blonde hair was stumbling across the living room and into a taller boy’s arm. I was able to see him though. His head and neck peeked over the window before the rest of the house hid his body. He looked up at his father, a large, loopy grin on his lips. I knew the toddler was just around his middle, hugging the boy like a teddy bear and his blanket. My eyes gazed fondly over the dark chestnut hair, my favorite color since my love left. You had passed it on, passed on those beautiful auburn locks.
Onto your eldest, six-year-old son.
It was tumbling loosely over his shoulders, just reaching past his shoulders. The warm light of the room, by the warm light inside him, lit up his violet eyes. The oldest son had taken so much of his father, taken so many things I loved about his father. It wasn’t fair that another being should have those beautiful things. Only you should be that unique, that happy, that warm.
But I didn’t regret it.
There was only one thing that was missing from the young boy’s perfection. The bangs. The bangs that clouded both his father’s forehead and his brother’s that covered all of his head and neck in mangled strands, he had but six thin strands lying across his forehead. Compliments of his mother…the only thing she touched on this pure body with her imperfection…
I had to thank her for that…or then I would be gawking at two beautiful Duo’s.
I sighed heavily and turned my eyes away from the happy family, living peacefully inside their house. I was so stupid to let go of you. Stupid to let you walk away. Stupid to think…I never needed you.
“Why can’t you fucking tell me!?” Duo raved, kicking the computer desk chair across the room. My eyes narrowed, pausing from packing my bag, before continuing. Duo had bought me so many new clothes…
It was too bad he’d never see me wear them.
“It’s a mission, Duo,” I tried to explain calmly but the anger, the betrayal, the obvious jealously that was radiating off my lover was making it extremely difficult. I just wanted to smack him and tell him to shut up so I could get myself under control again. I was so fucking tired of all the fights we were having. I just wanted it all to go away…and if running away was the only way to settle things between us so we could talk normally without trying to kill each other, then I was willing to risk it.
I was so TIRED.
“Bullshit!” He screamed, stomping the ground like a spoiled brat. Like a child. A blasted child that just wouldn’t wake up and get on with his life instead of making these pointless fights hang over between us!!
I’d had enough. I was TIRED of being the calm one. I was TIRED of being the rational one. I was TIRED of letting Childish Duo have his god damn way all the time! I was TIRED of not fighting back!!
I slammed my suitcase shut and turned towards the pouting and obviously fuming bratty lover of mine. I was gritting my teeth too tightly, making them hurt, but I didn’t care. I was ready to kill the one other individual in the room.
“Yes, Duo, it is a lot of bullshit!!” I screamed. I saw the shock on his face. I wasn’t calm. I wasn’t keeping my voice down. That was my job, wasn’t it, Duo? It was your job to blow things out of proportion, rant and rave, and kick things around, right? You’ve pushed my fucking limits, Duo! AND YOU WANTED ME TO BE CALM ABOUT IT!?!
“This relationship is bullshit!!! All we do is fight and bicker! I’m fucking tired of it! I’m fucking tired of YOU and your childish ways! Why don’t you grow up, Duo!? Why don’t you get a fucking life?!”
I had grabbed the suitcase and my grip on it was as tight as I wanted my hand to close in on his throat. Tired, tired, tired! What had I done to get myself in this stupid mess?
“Y…You really mean that…?” Duo said and for once he was quiet. It was like we had switched roles. Only his voice sounded extremely hurt.
Like I cared.
“Yes, Duo,” I said venomously, glaring his way. “I mean that. With all my heart.”
Duo made a horrible gasp, almost like a shocked sob. His eyes were beginning to brim with tears, his face so shocked, so hurt, and so open before me. I couldn’t care. I couldn’t care…not now…not after what I said.
“You’re tired of me…” Duo said, repeating my words. Words that had lifted the heavy, overbearing force that forced itself upon my shoulders when all the arguing began. It sounded so horrible coming from him, when it felt so good coming from me. Now…I was beginning to regret…
Duo gave me one of his most painful smiles, hands shaking as he gripped them together. Trying to control…Trying to control from not breaking apart in front of me…
“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Duo said, painful tone trying to sound light. But it was so obvious. He was cracking, falling into little bits right in front of me…and I couldn’t find anything to say to take back what I yelled at him.
“I’m sorry, Heero,” Duo said, still trying to keep up the smile. He walked, or shakily stumbled, towards the door two feet behind him. Slowly he opened it…Opened it for me. “I’m sorry, Heero. For keeping you here against your will.”
I couldn’t say anything. What I said was done, hot in the moment of anger, and I couldn’t take it back. Duo…wouldn’t let me take it back. He smiled brokenly at me as I walked past him slowly and out into the hall. There was a soft click behind me as the door was closed, supported by Duo’s hand, my chest suddenly terribly heavy as my love started to weigh down my heart.
Baka. I was such a baka!
And now I had lost you for good. You had a family now. You had grown up. It was like you was trying to show me something. Tell me that I was wrong, that you could act like a responsible adult if the occasion ever arrived. And I was wrong. We were only 15 back then. We weren’t supposed to be mature and older. We were supposed to play video games and have those fights, just to make up later. But I was too old for all of that. In my head, I was too old for that. You were right the whole time. And now, both of us 21, I still couldn’t take back what I said. I just hoped you forgave me. That…you even remembered me.
The last time we met was in the hospital…
I’ve never seen you cry so hard in your life. In fact, I don’t remember ever seeing you crying. Yet, there you were, head in your hands with nails digging into your bangs as you sobbed like a broken man on the street. You kept rocking back and forth in the visitor’s chair, letting wails escape the hands that covered your parched lips. You coughed and choked, dying on your tears, drowning in your pain. Not even _I_ could cause you so much pain when I left. But I had ran down the hall like a coward and I didn’t know what went on behind the door that you closed shut behind me.
I’m sorry, Duo.
Quatre was gently holding your eldest son, trying to calm the young toddler from running to you. You needed time; you needed to get your tears out. So you could be strong for your little boy. Couldn’t the boy see that?
Yet he kept reaching for his broken father.
I walked over quietly to the shuddering man; to the one I once called my lover. You didn’t notice my approach, only noticed the hand I placed upon your shoulder. Shakily, my longhaired friend grabbed it desperately, hands wet with salty tears and for once I could view that pure anguish on your face. The rims of your eyes were red and beaten, your smile turned upside down into a hideous and unmistakable painful frown. My lover, my friend, I wished I could kiss those tears away and heal that shattered heart. You did not deserve all this pain.
“I’m sorry, Duo,” I said softly. “I’m sorry about your wife.”
And I was sorry. But I was sorry for Duo. How could that woman leave him? How could she die on him like that? Why couldn’t she be stronger, why couldn’t she fight the cancer? They could have cured her! Why did she have to die and leave my Duo all alone!?
“You don’t understand…” He whispered, tears glistening the lips I ached to kiss from the bottom of my heart. He licked them then, taking in that salty flesh and his tears began again at the reminder. “You don’t understand…”
“I don’t…” I whispered. “But I’ll try…”
“You don’t understand…” He whispered back. And we said no more. Because I truly did not understand.
Duo. My Duo. My lover. I wish I still had you. Would you accept me, even in your new life? Would you accept me for what I’ve done to you?
I licked my dry lips, just like the last time I saw you. And I took a hesitating step forward into the warm light.
This time, you saw me.
End Part 1
Author's Note: Um...well...that's all I have written. I'm not too sure if I'll get around to writing the second chapter by the end of the month, so I dont expect to win since it doesn't have a lot of 'parenting' in it. ^_^ Hope you enjoyed it, just the same.
TBC
Sita Seraph
Please send comments to: sita_seraph@hotmail.com