27-Nov-2000
Disclaimer: I own NAN DEMO NAI!!!!!!!! >.< Sue me for my pocket change, the lawyer will cost you more!!!
Well, this song is by The Smashing Pumpkins. Billy Corgan is a total genius, that's all I can say, and I hope I don't totally ruin his genius by writing this... I mean, there are a lot of great songwriters, but Billy Corgan is just... He's got a way with words that no one else can compare with. No arguments! RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!!
Suggested listening: NOTHING but the song. It's gorgeous.
Notes: This is another fic where I started about a year ago and didn't pick it up again until now. So, it may have - no, it does have - slight writing style changes. Sorry. ^^;;;
Also, I finished this thing as a present to the 1x2ML, for putting us ahead in that poll. DOUMO ARIGATOU GOZAIMASU!!!! *cackles*
Pairings: 1x2/2x1
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Brief bit of yaoi, unbridled sap that escaped from its pen, so I just let it run free.... RAMPANT, I say!
[Time is never time at all]
Heero Yui watched Duo Maxwell fiddle with Deathscythe, mystified that it had already been eight months since a black figure came out of the shadows to stop him from killing Relena. Never before in his life had he remembered time actually going by quickly. His existence wasn't an endless stream of 'ninmu kanryou' and killing.
[You can never leave without leaving a piece of youth]
Duo in Deathscythe, flying swiftly away from a battle, the huge black shape exploding from the smoke of a hundred explosions. The black wings carry him away, a black demon silhouetted in the sky.
His face was shining and triumphant over the transmission, but Heero could tell the war was chipping away slowly at the strange outgoing innocence he loved so much.
'Yes...' he says to himself. 'Love..'
[And our lives are forever changed]
He watched Heero report the mission coldly, no emotion in hard blue as he stated which mission objectives were met.
"All," he said calmly and distantly. "Kanryou."
[We will never be the same]
He prayed to a God he's not sure he can believe in anymore that there is something under the Perfect Soldier.
'Iya... Something is there. I hope... I hope it surfaces. I hope it... Can stay.' He knows he's probably hoping for the impossible, but he hopes anyway, the desperate wish of one in love.
He stood back up and said to no one, "I know you'll never be innocent again, Heero. But at least, be happy."
[The more you change the less you feel]
Duo laid in his bed late at night, thinking, serious now that he could drop the mask of a comic with a joke about everything.
'Deeper into the Perfect Soldier, eh, Yui? What the hell happened? What caused it? What did you feel that made you not want to feel anything again?' He fell into an uneasy sleep full of nightmares of a Prussian-eyed boy taunting a confession of love.
[Believe]
He was being led by Duo through the woods, shortly after they'd landed for another mission, his last words still ringing into the dark head.
"Do you trust me?" he'd asked, not waiting for an answer, and then firmly grasped Heero's wrist and led him through the woods. Duo was jumpy, and every once in a while he would look back at Heero, the moonlight shadows softening the beautiful face, turning cobalt eyes to gleaming silver.
'Hai, Duo. I trust you.'
[Believe in me]
Duo couldn't believe that Heero hadn't shaken his hand off by now. Yet the dark haired pilot was totally calm, and whenever Duo looked back at him, Heero was returning the gaze directly, the blue eyes clam and, maybe, a little puzzled. It wasn't going like Duo had planned it, so he suddenly stopped, so suddenly Heero bumped into him from the back. They had plenty of extra time until they were supposed to be at the rendezvous.
"Duo..."
"Shh. I have to... Tell you something." He dropped Heero's wrist, and looked right into deep blue.
"I... Heero..." For one of the few times in his life, he couldn't choke the words out.
"Heero."
"Nani?"
"I... I never know when I'll die, Heero, and there are things I have to say before... Before."
"Aa." Something flickers in the beautiful blue, and Duo found himself hoping the impossible, that the flicker was for him.
"One of them, Heero, I have to say to you."
[Believe]
Heero didn't know why Duo had stopped, what he was trying to choke out but couldn't. He knew, though, what he hoped, the impossible.
'Well, I can hope, ne?'
In front of him, only inches from his face, the face he loves tensed.
"Heero." Duo took one more deep breath. "I love you."
[That life can change]
Heero's eyes widened, he had one of the most human expressions Duo has seen in him. Surprise, that's it.
"So," he said. "Now that that's said... We should go." He turned away, but not before Heero could see the utterly crestfallen look in his eyes.
[That you're not stuck in vain]
"Matte, Duo," Heero whispered. Duo turned slowly, his face guarded and his muscles tensed as if expecting to have to move quickly. Did he think Heero was going to hit him?
"Duo..."
[We're not the same, we're different tonight]
'What, is he going to patronize me? I'm glad we're friends, Duo? I hope we'll be friends for a while, Duo' He closed his eyes briefly, then turned back. Heero still looked puzzled, and his mouth worked, but nothing came out. After a few seconds, he stuttered, his hands waving as if to try and illustrate words that haven't come.
"Duo, I - Ah, anou... I - You -" His voice lowered, and he looks down. "I..." He closed his eyes for a second, and took a deep breath. "You, too." He looked back up, and his eyes, no, his whole face, showed something Duo never expected. Fear?
[Tonight So bright Tonight]
"Wh- What?" Duo looked like he was about to fall over; Confusion and happiness played on his face, neither taking dominance. Heero started to move his hands again, what would be elegant gestures if they weren't accompanied by the same stuttering.
"I - You... You heard me!" He was about to cross his arms over his chest, but suddenly found them blocked. Duo was hugging him, his arm around his neck, having jumped the few feet of space remaining between them
"Hounto ni, Heero? Hounto ni?" There was an almost begging quality to his voice, and Heero wasn't sure whether to be happy that he had made Duo this happy, or angry at himself for making him this uncertain.
"Aa."
[And you know you're never sure]
Duo drew his face back, studying the bright blue eyes in th dying light of evening. From what he could read of the typical blankness, Heero was... Totally serious. In slow, uncertain moments, he felt Heero's arms wrap around his back, returning the embrace hesitantly. His heart caught suddenly as his mind raced to discover what to do next, and he decided in a split second that could have been hours. Tentatively he inched his face forward, stopping when he could no longer focus on Heero's face, and his vision was filled with too-bright blue. Mentally encouraging himself, he closed the short space to cautiously brushed his lips to Heero's.
[But you're sure you could be right]
The shoulders under his arms tensed slightly, and he felt Heero's chest rise suddenly. He opened his eyes and moved his head back, doubt and confusion - both variables he couldn't handle in this already unfamiliar situation. He didn't know how long he and Heero stayed like that, paralyzed but so close that it seemed the next breeze would push him to Heero again, unsteady as he felt.
Studying Heero's face, he realized he didn't what he'd expected from his original reaction - Heero looked, in fact, as confused as Duo had ever seen him. he knew he could read that several ways, and opted for the one he liked the best. He'd already come this far, no need to turn back. Mentally flicking off those doubts that threatened to make him run away altogether, he leaned in again.
[If you held yourself up to the light]
He realized he'd stiffened once again as Duo came so close a second time, and forced back his instincts and training as he felt those lips again - not on his this time, but ghosting over his face, stopping to touch his nose, forehead, cheeks. He knew at the same time that his lack of response was nothing but discouraging, but he was totally clueless as to what he should respond to. Mentally scrolling through his training and conditioning, he realized that he was not prepared in any way for this situation, he had nothing to guide his actions.
Except -
Something was whispering, a faint compelling instinct that he'd thought was long buried with everything else that made a human, something that seemed a faint glimmer, unique among him in that it, alone, was relying on nothing he'd ever been taught. Swallowing back his training, which was screaming for him to lash out and run, he -surprising himself still - lunged forward, pressing his lips to Duo's in blind, unskilled passion that quickly eclipsed the impulses programmed over the years.
[And the embers will never fade in your city by the lake]
Duo was surprised, that much he could tell, but even though he stumbled back a few steps under his blind force, he regained his balance and responded quickly, even as both realized they'd forgotten to breathe. They separated and stared, a mirror, yet a contrast, to their earlier actions, for now both were affirmed in their belief of the other, reassured of their reciprocated feelings. He drew in a deep breath that shuddered on its was out, trying in vain to calm his heart, smooth out the roiling emotions and the fluttering feeling in his stomach, at once strange and wonderful, something he never wanted to leave. And he knew, then, it never would.
[The place where you were born]
The weight of Duo's arms on his shoulders, Duo's hands on his back, was unfamiliar yet comforting, something he couldn't remember feeling before but knew he had once. He pulled Duo towards him, relaxed into his warm body as he felt Duo's arms move further down his back, supporting him as he leaned into the other boy.[1]
[Believe in the resolute urgency of now]
He rested his head on Duo's shoulder, pressed his face into Duo's neck so that he could feel his pulse beneath the skin, feeling Duo's sigh of contentment more than hearing it. He, for the first time, admitted he was scared. But, conquering even one of the strongest human emotions, he was happy. In that one moment, he could have failed every mission he had for the rest of the war, and he wouldn't have cared...
[And if you believe there's not a chance tonight]
Even as that occurred to him, some part of him began to scream, the part of his brain that took over and masked him as the Soldier. It realized, on some unconscious level, that if his thought continued in this line, it would be slowly taken apart, piece by piece, the point of no return and past. And it fought that, ingrained training taking over as if the past hour had never happened, he hadn't already surrendered, physically and mentally, to Duo Maxwell. It had won over the human side so many times before...
[We'll crucify the insincere tonight]
But not this time. Whether Duo knew, as well, or it was simply a well-timed maneuver on the part of Deathscythe's pilot, he would never know, but Duo took that exact instant to shift the boy in his arms and lightly kissed him, lips floating from neck to jaw line to cheek to settle on his lips. It was clearly the right action, eliciting more of a response than he probably expected from such a normal display of affection. Heero almost shuddered, the sharp movement unfamiliar, and straightened more so that he and Duo were even in height as they ate at each other's lips blindly.[2]
[We'll make things right]
Heero smiled faintly against Duo's lips - He knew. Some part of him, something alien and not natural, had just been destroyed totally. And he didn't care. He threw the mission to the wind, cursed Doctor J, and smiled back at a little girl, who tipped her hat, smiled happily, and faded away finally.
[We'll feel it all tonight]
His heart leapt, and he let himself sink, knowing for the first time in more years than he knew that someone would catch him, someone would protect him, he didn't have to protect himself. He crossed the line, opened the gate to his mind, allowed himself for the first time in just as long to feel the world - the muggy but cool spring night ruffled by a breeze that stirred his hair and brought with it the scent of a field.[3] The strands of Duo's hair, too soft under his fingers, the wrinkles and folds of his black shirt.
[We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight]
He thanked whatever gods there were for a chance he hadn't realized he had, something that had jumped out when he'd least expected, but something he could never find a substitute for. He leaned back, separating himself from Duo by a few inches, content to simply watch Duo watch him.
[The indescribable moments in your life tonight]
The other boy's eyes, deep violet in the half-light, smiled back at him, not the mask, akin to his own, yet so different, that he was accustomed to, but something different.
"I," he said, accentuating his words by quickly kissing his mouth.
"Love," he continued in the manner. "you. So. Much." With the last word his mouth lingered, pressing a slight indentation into his lips, and then he withdrew again, his fingers warm on the back of Heero's neck.
[The impossible is possible tonight]
"I..." he began, choking around he words that came so easily to others, to Duo. His mind raced, some vestige of protection clamping down and refusing to let him utter a phrase that seemed so simple.
But oh, it wasn't... The simply binding power of those was something he didn't think he could handle, even as he knew it was true. He knew he normally wouldn't be able to... But tonight was anything but normal. He frowned as he debated with himself, knowing Duo knew what was happening but still not wanting it to end like this. Just maybe...
[Believe in me as I believe in you]
Did he trust Duo enough? Could he give Duo the power those words held and trust him with him? The answer was immediate. Of course. He smiled, accompanied by a strange feeling he knew he'd never get used to... But didn't want to.
"I love you, too."[4]
The End
That was so... sappy... GEH! Bah, I say! The whole thing is too convenient, quickly spiraling into stereotypes. >.< *beats herself* I can't believe I wrote that!! Even as celebration for the contest! *beats herself into submission, lying in a bloody heap on the floor for the typo demons to drag away and sacrifice to the Typo no Akuma so they have the power to wreak havoc on other innocent fic-writers and net users.*
Notes:
[1] I always tend to think of Heero as the dominant one, the one doing the holding, but that didn't come out in this. *shrugs* Don't ask me why. Least I can break SOME stereotypes.
[2] I can't believe I wrote that... O.O
[3] Van's smell, no da!
[4] In keeping with m going against everything I normally write. Godammit! *rips fic into shreds*
Ryan Harbin
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