07-Dec-2000
Disclaimer: GW is owned by Bandai and Emotion and whoever else..
Well, Lady Tora came up with this, I'm just one of the three or four who responded. ^^ I did, however, change a few of the lines. The main subject remains the same, but I added a bit before them ^^;;;
I apologize, it's a bit too drawn out. ^^;
Warnings: Inappropriate class discussion, drunk Treize, extreme Relena bashing, Wufei bashing, Duo bashing, Heero bashing... You get the idea ^^
Pairings: Take a wild guess
Spoilers: None, obviously
Archive: Ehh... GW Addiction, I guess -.-;;;
Duo Maxwell was bored. There was no other word for the condition that had lowered him to doodling pictures of rabid dogs biting Relena's limbs off in his Sex Education packet, conveniently stocked with everything you didn't want to know about sex and sexually transmitted diseases. He looked up briefly from the third panel of his comic - Relena screaming in horror as said dogs spit out her right arm in disgust - just in time to see the teacher's assistant glance at the clock, back at her watch, and scowl as she realized that the teacher was ten minutes late.
He sighed and continued correctly shading in Relena's blood as minutes ticked away and even Heero began to shift in his seat next to him. Quatre's head nearly fell and jerked back up three times, Wufei sounded like he was snoring, and even Trowa's eyelids were drooping.
Finally, the teacher's aide sighed, stood up in her seat with a decidedly loud scrape - jolting Wufei from some dream that involved a monkey and copious amounts of brownie mix, judging from his talking to himself. She made her way through the myriad of paper airplanes and spitballs that seemed to materialize through the same black hole that his homework disappeared through... Yanking open the door, she gave the unruly class one final glare and slammed it. He heard her stilettos - entirely inappropriate for a high school, but no one seemed to be complaining - click all the way down the hall.
Most other classes were being quiet and obedient, living up to their reputation as cherubic catholic schoolchildren. Sex Education, however, seemed to bring out the worst in everyone, including Relena-sama over there... He glared slightly at her, more than a little annoyed he couldn't do what he wanted to her, Queen of the World be damned, and was forced to content himself with a detailed frame of Heero making good on his oft-heard threat and shooting the girl's head off. He smiled as he admired his handiwork, turning it at angles to capture every nuance of pain and terror. Sighing in contentment, he turned to see who he could share his handiwork with. Wufei? No, still sleeping... Quatre? Maybe. As a last resort. Heero? Nope. That boy wouldn't know humor if Duo shot him with it. Relena? Course not. Besides, she was too busy making eyes at Heero, which the dark haired pilot steadfastedly ignored. Trowa? Hmm... He grinned, and scooted his desk over to his uni-banged fellow pilot, ignoring the stares, but returning a few spitballs quickly.
He was just about to force Trowa to find his work comedic when the door opened again, and the teacher's aide reappeared, this time wearing a smug smile with her normal bare minimum of clothing. She stepped - no, more like sashayed - aside, revealing -
Heero fell out of his chair. Duo immediately jumped out of his chair partly to help Heero, and partly to laugh at him.
"Class," the aide purred. "Mrs. Smith had an unfortunate encounter with a spork yesterday, and is in the hospital having her eyes operated upon." She smiled in a way she must have thought seductive but just made her look as if she'd swallowed a squid, then wiggled to her seat, managing not to land on her ass when one of her heels slipped on a large glob of gum than had glued itself into a six inch lump on the floor.
Duo, however, missed this exchange, as he was still getting his entertainment from watching Heero struggle to contain his violent impulses while also trying to right himself. He could not miss the smooth timbre of the voice that followed, though.
"Since it was mostly my fault, I volunteered to teach her class today." Duo jerked upright, spinning around to point his finger and yell, "YOU!"
Treize Khushrenada drew himself to his full height, a good thirty centimeters with the big boots of his, and did his best to look offended.
"Young man," he said, bringing his hand out in front of him in a curious gesture, "I don't -" He cut off, staring at his hand.
"My wine! Where's my wine? I must have wine! You!" he yelled, pointing to an Oz uniform-clad lackey that had mysteriously appeared as the military leader began his rant. "Bring me my wine!" The peon bowed and scurried out, returning and impossible shot time later with a full glass of wine and several bottles to refill it. He bowed again, and scuttled out at Treize's nod. The honey blond haired man took a long swig, helped himself to more, and guzzled that down as well. A slow smile spread over his face, and his blue eyes looked a bit too shiny as he refilled the glass, then brought the glass within a few inches of his face and watched it swirl as he lightly twirled his hand.
"Ahhh... Where was I? Ah, yes. Young man, I don't know what you've been taught in this -" he was interrupted by a slight squeal. Everyone in the room turned at the piercing noise, to see Relena Peacecraft bright red and pointing.
"Sumimasen," she stuttered. "But, ahh... Is it supposed to be slanted like that?" Every head once again turned, this time to the object of her scrutiny.
"Ah, damn," Treize muttered, trying to push the offending lump back into proper position.
"Good god, man!" Duo yelled. "That's wider than the time we tried to see how many donuts we could fit on Heero's dick!" Once again, the whole class's attention was drawn to a new source, leaving Treize the time to fully adjust the wad of fivers stashed in his pants.
"Duo..." He knew better than to look over at Heero, knowing full well the expression that grace his face and dreading just the same. However, he was saved as blood began spurting from Wufei's -
"Gross!" yelled Quatre.
- head, which he had apparently landed on as it rolled off of hid hand and onto the point of the knife Duo had been using the deface the pretty plastic wood surface.
"Dammit!" yelled the normally complacent, golden haired boy. "Wufei, I just fucking washed these pants!" Even the most implacable of the class were disturbed this abnormal display of profanity, and Treize stopped admiring the front of his pants long enough to berate him.
"Now..." he slurred. "You... There is a time for everything, but not right now!" He giggled. "Now is the time to teach! And you, Wufei..." He titled his wineglass. "You're bleeding all over. Go see the nurse." The Chinese boy didn't move. Treize narrowed his eyes, and then pointed at two boys who didn't seem to know what to do in the Den of All Things Unholy that had been their classroom.
"You two!" he barked, military presence returned. "Take him to the clinic!" The two hoisted the unfortunate Fei and scampered off to obey. Treize watched them go, then nodded and turned back to the class, pulling a note card from his pants and ignoring the several five dollar bills that fell to the ground.
"Sex Education," he stated, pulling the ‘anatomically correct' charts down in front of the blackboard with a flourish, spilling his wine in the process.
A look crossed his face, halfway between breaking out into tears and enraged hysterics. After several deep breaths, he schooled his expression, and calmly poured a glass from the second bottle, tossing the now empty bottle he'd begun with into a corner, where it was later stepped on and caused some poor boy the loss of his foot, but that's another story, ne? Turning back to the charts, he surveyed the left side, which appeared to most of the students to be of the male type.
"You see before you," he said between sips at his wine, "the diagram of a naked woman." Gesturing roughly to the chest area, he began again. "These are commonly known as breasts, although in the more inappropriate street jargon -" He seemed to notice his error for the first time, bending to look with one eye squinched shut at the 'woman,' who didn't seem to mind being ogled by strange, inebriated men one bit.
"Hmm..." He turned back to the class. "Could someone show me your boobs?"
"Like this?"
"Not you, I said somebody!" Treize yelled, his face suddenly red and his eyebrows suddenly seeming much more... forked. The teacher's aide sat down, disappointed.
Duo sighed. He'd never have thought he'd be wishing for Mrs. Smith and her disease slides...
The End
I had to end it before it got any more drawn out.... -.-;;;;;; And I did have a teacher who had a slide show of various venereal diseases... It was disgusting.
Ryan Harbin
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