05-Jan-2001
Well, here's the answer to Steelsong's line challenge! Probably not as hentai as she would have hoped... But VERY weird. HEN DA YO!!
No, this isn't about the army. Title will be explained!
Suggested listening: A Sana rant!!
Warnings: shounen ai, strange humor, inappropriate use of certain synthetic food products, bad stereotypical characterizations in the name of said strange humor... I guess Heero's OOC, too, major senseless and pointlessness...
Pairings: 1x2
Archive: GW Addiction
Quatre Raberba Winner was astounded. Granted, it didn't take much to surprise the boy, but anyone would have been amazed at the apparent... sterilization... of what had been, until today, the very haven for germs and all things unclean.
Duo Maxwell's apartment.
"Duo..." He trailed off, mouth working soundlessly as his perplexed mind tried to figure some logical explanation. Had someone - most likely Heero - paid Duo? Had strange beings made of lasagna crust started popping out of the piles of dirty dishes? Was Duo... possessed? As he assessed the options, the latter seemed most logical. He tried to maintain a normal facade while slowly edging his way to the doorway, preparing to make a break for it.
"Probably wondering why it's so neat, eh?" Duo asked, winking as he squeaked one finger along the shiny countertop. "Wondering what in the name of Shinigami caused this?" Throwing open the refrigerator - organized by food category and size, as well - he removed two cans of soda, tossing one to his blond friend.
Quatre calmly snatched it from midair, opening it and quickly slurping up the fizz that threatened to bubble over the side, a promise to make his hands and clothes sticky, as well as soil the shining linoleum tiles of the kitchen. He could nearly see himself in them...
"Well, yes," he said, trying to convey his amazement as subtly as possible.
Duo's face fell. "Damn... I was hoping you'd say you were just dazzled by my good looks," he quipped, but his earlier expression betrayed some dismay.
"Duo?" he asked carefully, concern wrinkling the angelic features. Looking closer, he realized with a start that Duo wasn't upset he was... Blushing? Yes... He could feel a faint signal of embarrassment.
"Duo, daijobu desu ka?"
Duo coughed. "Daijobu, daijobu!" he said easily, then took a huge gulp of his drink, tensing slightly as the carbonation burned his throat.
"It looks nice," Quatre put in helpfully.
Duo surveyed the apartment with raised, slightly skeptic eyebrows. "Yes, I suppose it does."
"Got tired of the mess?" Quatre took a small sip of his own soda, swishing it around his tongue to get the full effect of the bubbles.
The long-haired boy chuckled briefly. "No, I was fine with the mess. It was the smell that really got me." He gave a short smile, then leaned his slight form against the counter, tossing the auburn braid over his shoulder.
Quatre nodded sympathetically, seating himself in the one chair he saw.
Suddenly, Duo laughed again. "No, I really don't think you understand," he said.
The aquamarine eyes blinked, their owner unsure of whether to be offended.
Duo leaned forward, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "You know that fake cheese spray stuff from the cans?"
A single nod of the golden blond head, perhaps even more perplexed than before.
"Well," said Duo, then he stopped, appearing to consider something for a few moments.
"I suppose I'll just go with the whole story. It goes something like this..."
Only a small glint in deep cobalt blue betrayed Duo Maxwell. Other than that, his face remained misleadingly blank as those eyes switched from the small can in his hand, then back to his partner.
"What time are they gonna get here, again?" he whined.
"Not for ten more hours, Duo... Same time as when you asked me thirty seconds ago." The eyes didn't even flicker up from the newspaper the pilot was silently scanning. Duo glared comically at the Japanese boy for a second, then looked back at the unassuming can, the glint in his eyes unmistakable now.
Course, Heero couldn't see it anymore.
A slow, impish smirk spread across his face, equally mischievous thoughts echoing in his mind. Heero hated food like this. He preferred the vitamin-chocked but tasteless field rations stashed in the Gundams. Duo shuddered just remembering the times when he's had to rely on those for nourishment.
Being purposely silent, he sidled up to his still reading partner, looking over his shoulder at the paper. Nothing interesting... Time for his game, then.
"Duo..." Heero's steel sheathed tone warned him not to give the pilot any shit. Yeah, right. He'd made his mission for the last few days annoying the hell out of his cellmate - either that, or boinking him senseless, whatever struck their fancy.
Now he was bored... But not horny. Bad combination for Heero. He nearly cackled in anticipation.
"Duo!" Damn. Nearly caught. He affixed his best innocent look, the one that convinced teachers in any school, especially when combined with that one, well placed teardrop.
"Nani, Hee-chan?" he asked, knowing the endearment would distract Heero from anything else.
It earned him a well orchestrated glare, but he was long accustomed to the Yuy Look of Ice. He didn't even have to shrug it off anymore...
Heero's eyes narrowed even more, before he turned back to the paper, scanning the articles quickly, then turning the page. His eye was caught, though, on the days 'Dear Abby.' Apparently a suburban housewife didn't know how to confront her husband's parents, who had one several occasions trashed their home with wild parties while the couple was away. He nearly chuckled. Normal people were so funny.
"Ne, Heero?" Duo's tone was playful, only a few inches from his head. The last thing he was aware of was a decidedly malicious cackle, and then his face was filled with someone sticky, orange, and vile smelling.
His whole body tensed, a visual change in posture and demeanor at the 'threat.' The sound of Duo's easy laughter relaxed him... A bit.
"Duo, you did not just spray that stuff in my face," he growled.
More laughter, followed by a hissing spray, and a slight pressure that made him want to squirm trailed around the straps of his tank top.
His mind raced, figuring quickly the easiest plan of retaliation, decided the old proverb of fighting fire with fire was the best approach.
In slow, laborious movements, he drew his hands up to his eyes, swiped the orange goo out of them. He could see Duo now, his face fairly glowing as he surveyed his handiwork.
Heero looked down. The straps and neck of his tank top were neatly edged in day glow orange paste, arranged in orderly flowerets. He sniffed cautiously. It reeked.
"This is funny?" he asked, keeping his voice deliberate and smooth.
Duo nodded ecstatically. "Quite," he answered in a lilting voice.
Heero stepped closer. "Oh..." he said in a low, suggestive whisper. "So is... This funny?" He lunged at the other pilot, smearing his fake cheese covered hands across Duo's back, pressing as close as he could to Duo's chest and transferring as much of the glop as he could onto Duo's black shirt. To distract his auburn haired lover, he seized his lips in a rough kiss, plying silently until Duo's mouth opened, seeming of its own accord. His hand climbed to Duo's hair, wiping more of the cheese product into the long, clinging tendrils.
Finally releasing Duo's lips, he leaned back to view the product of his revenge. It seemed to have worked; Duo's shirt and face were coated in a greasy, orange sheen, and some was rapidly congealing in his hair. He couldn't help the ghost of a smile that crawled across his face. He noted with more satisfaction that Duo's drip on the can had loosened, leaving him quite vulnerable to attack. He snatched the can from Duo's slack hand, smirking broadly at his squawk of protest.
Duo flinched at the feral glint in the brilliant blue eyes. Heero went into a low crouch, slowly moving towards the other pilot. Duo eeped and ran out of the room, fleeing into the bedroom.
Heero gave chase easily, pivoting into the room to see Duo standing to the side, hands upraised in a defensive posture. Heero ducked under them, catching the slender form and half-carrying, half-pushing him to the wall. Duo was supported by the wall and his arms, a situation he could have avoided simply but chose not to.
Shifting his position so that Duo cradled in one arm, Heero brought the can to his field of vision. Smirking in anticipation, he looked back to Duo's expectant, somewhat anxious blue-violet eyes. In a sudden movement, his hand was at Duo's throat, spraying a thick layer of the paste in a loose ring at the base. Suddenly deciding better, he removed his other arm from Duo's waist, he trailed it slowly down Duo's chest, feeling a slight shiver that was quickly swallowed by convulsions as Heero's plan took off, tickling Duo mercilessly. The braided pilot flailed, throwing them both to the ground as Heero's fingers worked slowly under the cheese covered shirt to the warm flesh below. He tossed the can away and went at it with both hands, working them up Duo's sides and occasionally straying to that spot on his back that always made him gasp and arch tensely, giggling the whole time.
"Not fair, Heero!" Duo gasped between laughing fits. His breathing slowly regulated, his muscles relaxed and he draped his body casually over Heero's, leaning his head on his lover's shoulder. Idly he smeared bits of fake cheese into Heero's shirt, skin, smiling at the boy's glare.
"We'll have to do this again sometime," he said brightly.
His lover practically growled, "No, we will not."[1]
If possible, Quatre was even more perplexed. "Duo... What does that have to do with your apartment?"
Duo frowned. "Well... I told you I was going to start at the beginning!"
Quatre blinked again. "Duo, that had nothing to do with why the apartment is so clean."
"I was really hoping you wouldn't ask that," Duo commented with a sigh. Quatre raised one fine gold eyebrow expectantly.
Duo fidgeted. Opened his mouth once or twice, working it without sound before clamping it shut again, an answer stillborn.
"Well... It's just -" he stammered. He sighed again, blowing air out of his mouth so it ruffled his bags gently.
"Well... You know... You can't ever get that smell out of feathers..." Refusing further comment, he got himself another drink.
As he reappeared with a gust of mist from the refrigerator, Quatre asked, "What feathers?"
Duo leered. "You know... Like on a bed..."
Quatre paled. "Oh.... Forget I asked."[2]
It's okay... O.o *shrugs*
Well... Sap's getting easier. Ending was weird, I know... But I needed to finish it while people still remembered the challenge!
Notes:
[1] That's supposed to end abruptly.
[2] There's the reason for the title
Ryan Harbin
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