Standard disclaimer: Not mine. Theirs. Too bad cos the Gboys is damned cool. Not makin any money off of this so dun sue me. All you'd get is a few dogs, some college debt, and a pair of fuzzy bunny slippers. The song "We Are" is courtesy of Vertical Horizon, and found on their album called "Everything You Want". Not makin any money off of the song, so dun you guys sue me neither.
Special Disclaimer: If you don't like Relena, I don't recommend you read this fic. If you can't stand the thought of Duo ending up with anyone but Heero, I also don't recommend you read this fic. Some mild lime... if you could even call it that, and some strong language, although nothing worse than your average "gangsta rap" rant. I will also apologize if this fic seems a little odd, and not all that connected to the song... but this is what poured out of the music... I have no control over my muse, for she is a fickle friend at best.
Silence was his shadow as he slipped through the lushly carpeted hallways. An uncharacteristic sheen of sweat beaded his brow and slicked the grip of his pistol. He shook his head savagely.
:What is my problem?! What is it about Her that unnerves me?:
His normally well-ordered mind refused to answer the silent query, instead focusing his attention on his own over-rapid breathing.
A clock in the hallway tolled the midnight hour, freezing him in his tracks as the booming gongs seemed to scream out his presence to the world. A shiver danced down his spine as the bells struck once, twice, thrice, and more. He quit concentrating on the sound of the chimes as he peered around for guards. His surveillance had indicated that there would be no sentries in this corridor at this time, but now was no time to get sloppy.
:Why am I even Here? It's not even a mission! Why do I let Her get to me?:
No one appeared. No one pounced out of the shadows to point their accusatory fingers. No one came to Her rescue. A humorless snort burst from his lips.
:No one had BETTER come to Her rescue. No one had better even know I'm Here.:
He took his imagination and his wandering mind firmly in hand and continued down the hall. He stopped at Her door, firming his grip on his pistol. Everything in order, he tried the knob.
It was unlocked.
He fought the urge to snort again. Or shout at Her for Her complacency. She was too trusting, that one. Too naïve.
He slipped through the door into Her suite.
:No guards Here, either. Baka.:
Darkness took him by the hand and led him to Her bedside unseen. Darkness had always been his friend, and Death, his partner. Now more so than ever.
She was asleep.
Moonlight cascaded through the open balcony windows to softly caress Her innocent cheek. Her hair wreathed Her face in a golden halo, bathing Her in a sort of ethereal mystery. He cocked his head and peered at Her, drinking in the sight of Her at Her most vulnerable.
Not even when he'd had Her locked in the target site of his Gundam had She been this vulnerable. She'd withstood him then, fixing that defiant, yet oddly trusting and accepting gaze upon his Gundam. That had been his undoing, he supposed. That's why he hadn't been able to kill Her that night. She'd counted on him. And Destiny.
She'd trusted them both. It was the quill that struck to the quick.
:Damn. Fine time for my poetic side to wake up,: he thought ruefully, still staring at Her gilded form.
Take a listen through the window
Take a lover on the radio
Ask Her if She's got an answer
Do you know
She shifted in Her sleep, almost as if She could feel the weight of his eyes roving across Her resting body.
He clenched his jaw, instinct galvanizing him into motion. His arm raised, straight and locked, as he sighted, dispassionately, he hoped, down the length of his gun.
She opened Her eyes and glanced up at him.
There was no fear in Her gaze. No terror at staring down Her own death. No anger at awaking to finding him standing over Her in Her own room.
Just trust.
Heero stared into Relena's trusting, childlike eyes, and felt something shift within his chest.
:Just like that night... I can't...:
She sat up, seeing some of the confusion within him, and gently smiled.
"It's all right, Heero. I'm ready to die now."
"Why?"
She smiled, an expression so full of life and guilelessness, that he was transported back to a time before he came to earth.
~are you lost niisan?~
He clenched his jaw so tight, a corner of his mind wondered if he'd break his own jaw. The gun slipped from his sweaty fingers, falling to Her plush bed with a muffled thump. He stood frozen, arm still locked, but devoid of weapon, devoid of purpose.
:Just like me...:
One elegant hand reached out and brushed his outstretched arm. Her long fingers closed over his clammy flesh gently, grounding him back in reality for a split second. She rose to Her knees, using his arm to balance Herself as She leaned forward.
He stared at Her eyes from inches away, and something within him suddenly became afraid.
Her free hand rose in the moonlight to stroke his cheek tenderly, burning his skin with Her inner fire. He didn't flinch at the touch, which only encouraged Her.
:Flowers. Lilies. She smells like Lilies... I-:
Her lips brushed his, sending an electric shock through him, rooting him to the floor even as it threatened to steal his strength. Her tongue darted out, stroking his bottom lip, before it quested between his lips.
He didn't fight Her; he didn't respond at all, as She deepened the kiss. He tried to concentrate on the ice in his soul, or what was left of it. He tried to draw strength from his coldness, to gather his wits and resources in preparation for a hasty retreat.
Until She thrust Her inner fire into the depth of him through that kiss. Until She burned away the ice within Him with Her purity. Until She set his every nerve ablaze with Her need.
Time enough to get a good one
Though they never seem to get done
I am standing for a reason
Do you know
"Let's leave the war behind. Just for one night," She murmured into his lips.
"Relena..."
Her fingers reached up and stroked his lips, quieting him with their touch.
"Just until the dawn."
"My mission... Do you... " His thoughts whirled through his mind at a dizzying pace, too quick for him to latch onto a single one.
"Let's let the world go on without us, just for a few hours. Can't we just set this one moment afire?"
As She fastened Her lips upon his again, he felt himself nodding his assent.
Of their own accord, his arms wrapped around Her, drawing Her to him in a crushing embrace. He could feel the heat of Her body, even through Her nightgown and his ubiquitous green tank top. As Her hands roamed over his back, She shifted backwards, drawing him onto the bed.
:Why? Why am I letting this happen?:
Her burning hands wandered up under the tank top, singeing the cool skin. He hissed, partly in pain, partly in pleasure, as She lifted the shirt from his lean body, sliding it up over his head and flinging it away into the darkness. The darkness that had abandoned him, stranding in Her glowing radiance.
:Traitor,: his mind hissed, although if the barb was aimed at himself, at Her, or at the fickle night, not even he could tell.
Her fingers danced over his shoulders, sliding down his spine, gliding lower, massaging the skin under the spandex shorts, and drawing a startled gasp from him. He arched into Her unfamiliar touch, and tried to retreat into the sliver of ice still shielding the innermost parts of his soul. She quieted him with another shattering kiss, thrusting Her blazing glory within him, scorching that frozen little space within him, and denying him solace from the sensations She was awakening within him.
He moaned into Her mouth, pushing forward until they toppled over, sprawled across Her bed. She ducked Her head, Her lips wandering over the hollow of his throat, teasing the skin of his collarbone, licking along his chest. Her teeth found one pouting nipple and worried it playfully, wringing a gasp from him.
He didn't know how it happened, but he found himself lying on his back, hands pinned above his head, and Her mouth feasting on his own. She broke off the kiss and leaned back, straddling his hips.
Meeting his gaze, She took his hands and guided them up to the buttons at Her throat. Keeping his hands cupped in Her own, She encouraged his numb fingers, managing to get them to unfasten the catches holding Her satin and velvet gown closed. She had to shift a little so he could find the last one by Her navel, which only ground Her thighs against the growing bulge in his shorts.
He gritted his teeth, head thrown back and eyes shut until the wave of pleasure that raced through him passed. When he could think again, he peered back up at Her, and felt his breath robbed from him again.
Her eyes were fixed on his own glazed expression, but there was no longer anything childlike or innocent in that impassioned gaze. He was drowning in something deeper than desire, more primal than merely sex... It was a beast coiling against his spine, thrusting against his chest, bursting from his every pore.
And She was the only one who could tame it.
She shrugged out of Her gown, shifting it up over Her shoulders and flipping it carelessly off of the bed. Clad only in moonlight and Her own inner fire, She perched atop his loins almost triumphantly, as if She knew full well that She, and only She, could complete him.
And for the first time in his life, he ached for completion.
Not just release. Not just the feel of Her flesh against his. Not just the waltz of their sweat soaked bodies wrestling in that primordial embrace. Not just the quenching of that ache between his legs.
She awoke a deeper need within him. She made him aware of the gaping wound within him that the ice had hidden for so long. She ripped down the walls he'd built so tediously around what passed for his heart.
:No. I can't afford to have a heart!:
It frightened him, this new sensation, this new weakness. But what frightened him more, was that he wanted it. He needed it. He needed Her.
As She leaned over him, Her breasts floated across his chest, leaving twin trails of fire, burnt into the flesh there. Her body shifted against his straining erection, breaking down the walls of the fragile cage.
With a roar, the beast that had lain so dormant within him for so long, erupted from it's prison and claimed Her.
'Cause I don't know how
And I don't know where
We are we areAnd I don't know why
And I don't know if
We are we are
He awoke with a start.
:Where the fuck am I?:
Relena shifted against his side in Her sleep. Her arm was draped carelessly across his chest, Her skin still flushed from their passions.
He resisted the urge to spring from the bed. But just barely.
With a silent groan, he carefully peeled Her exhausted, damp body away from his own and eased out of bed. Her bed.
A small growl burbled in his throat, raging against his mind at the memory of what he'd just done. He turned away from the bed- Her bed, before the growl became loud enough to wake Her.
He found his gun, tripping over it in the returned darkness, before he found where She'd flung his underwear and shorts. It hurt, stubbing his toe on the cold steel of the pistol. He wasn't used to actually feeling pain. It always seemed to be separate from him, belonging to some shade. Some spirit that forever walked beside him and shared his name, but not his substance. Not his essence.
Not now. The twain had merged, and the simple act of stubbing his toe awoke that shade, bringing tears to his eyes.
One hand scrubbed at the offending dampness leaking from his eyes and stared at the residue glinting in the feeble moonlight. He suddenly had to quell the urge to claw out his traitorous eyes.
After a few moments, he found his clothing and pulled it all on. It wasn't until he almost brained himself with his own gun that he realized that it was still in his hand. He turned and faced the bed, meaning to complete his interrupted "mission".
The clouds chose that moment to part; a shaft of silver light darted past their embrace and flooded the room, the bed. Her bed.
Heero stumbled, balked at the sight.
He collapsed backwards into the chair behind him, and studied the scene before him.
Her hair lay about her head, like a halo, just like when he'd entered Her room earlier. She slept on, blissfully unaware of his scrutiny, just as She had earlier. The moonlight caressed Her body, bathing it in a luminous embrace, just as it had earlier.
But now, it also illuminated the splash of blood across the silk sheets. Across the bed. Her bed. Her body.
Hell, probably also his body, too.
:what was I thinking? I wasn't... how could I touch Her?! Her!:
:what have I done? She was pure before I came... before I came to kill Her... oh I spilt her blood all right...:
BAKA!:WHY? what was I thinking?!?:
She shifted in her sleep, drawing the pillow he'd been lying on close to Her breast, hugging it to Her, clinging to
it.:I should stay. I should... I should make things right... shouldn't I?:
The gun digging into the small of his back halted that train of thought.
:yeah. right. the princess and the warrior. fiction and dreams. what the hell kind of rightness could these murdering hands offer Her?:
:Besides. the perfect soldier can't afford attachments. weakness. She's made me weak. I should-:
He drew his gun again and sighted down it's length, aiming unwaveringly at her forehead.
:Quick. One shot. Out the door. Easy and over. No more problem.:
:yeah. right. then why can't you pull the trigger?:
He sprang to his feet and stalked forward, pistol trained on the form slumbering in the bed. Her bed.
:what IS She to me?!:
:why can't I kill Her!?:
:Thousands of soldiers have fallen to these bloody hands... what is one pitiful girl? One innocent, naïve, stubborn girl? I can't... care for Her.... can I?: he thought with shock.
He shook his head, backing away from the bed, gun forgotten in his grasp, until he hit a wall and could retreat no further.
:No. no. no. it can't be true... it can't-:
He raised the gun again, trying to deny the twinge in his heart as he considered killing Her again. But there was no denying the pain the thought caused.
:I should kill Her for that alone. The perfect soldier cannot afford to FEEL. The perfect soldier has no room, no need for a heart. I wish I could hate Her... but I can't... damn Her.:
:damn myself...:
He holstered his pistol and fled into the comfort of the night.
Seven days and not a return
Seven lives an not a thing learned
Take a lover on the highway
Do you know
A sense of déjà vu washed over Heero as he crept down the trash-strewn hallway to the apartment he and Duo were sharing. Despite the traffic out on the street, the silence of the night was deafening in Heero's ears.
He felt his palms grow slick against the pistol grip, and berated himself for his nervousness.
:Again. This is EXACTLY why I have to do this. It's happening all over again:!
There was no clock to startle him this time as he stalked to the door. There were no guards to watch out for. No sentries to beware. The only people he might encounter would take one look at the gun in his hand and the dread in his eyes, and wisely crawl back into their little holes in the night.
He had nothing to fear in this broken down old apartment building.
:Yeah. Right. Then why are you sweating?:
He snarled at himself silently, willing his mind to quiet. To calm. To focus.
:It may not be a mission, but I have to do this... No choice...:
His hand finally closed over the knob of their door. Unlike Relena's door, this one was locked. He unlocked it quietly and slipped into the shadowy room.
The only light was the garish red pulsing of the neon sign for the diner across the street. Even so, it illuminated the Boy lying on their shared bed with heart-stopping clarity.
:K'so! No. no. no. no. NO! I can't afford this! I can't afford a heart!:
Heero tightened his grip on his pistol and stepped to the center of the room.
When was it that he'd begun to feel something for Him? Why?
It had taken him months to repair the walls of ice deep inside. Those same walls that Relena had burnt away that night with that damned kiss.
She'd stolen his strength with that look in her eyes. She'd killed the Perfect Soldier within him, and struck down his carefully cultivated aura of detachment.
He'd left her that night, awash with guilt over having sullied her perfect innocence. He left her without a word, thinking it better that way than to break her heart when the morning light found her bloodied and used.
That was the depth of his weakness. The depths that he'd sunk to. That he actually had CARED, even for a brief moment, about her. About her feelings. She'd reduced him to that.
He'd fled back to his missions then, closing out everyone and everything. He tried desperately to resurrect the Perfect Soldier within him. He tried again and again to cast out that specter of himself that had always absorbed all of his pain. He couldn't fight without that detachment.
It took months. Painful, long months of torment as he sorted through his own mind thought by thought, until he'd regained his balance.
And through it all, Duo stood by him.
Duo had been there the night he'd returned from Relena's, shaken and broken. He'd helped get the crushed warrior into his own bed, and had carefully tended Heero over the next few days as the Japanese pilot tried to regain his mind.
Duo had stuck by him throughout the months, making sure that Heero ate enough to stay alive, slept enough to not go mad, and moved about enough to not get caught.
Even when Heero seemed to be regaining some sense of his old self, He'd stayed and simply offered His presence. And then eventually His body.
It was that very empathy, and the following attachment, that Heero now had to kill Duo for.
Over those months, Heero had burned all trace of Relena from his body. He froze it out, returning the quiet solitude of frigid stillness to his soul.
Only to find that Duo had wormed His way in there now.
He'd thought it was only sex, just a way to relieve the tension. He'd convinced himself that He was only a convenient means to an end. He was certain that both of them understood that they were only an interlude in each other's lives, and their time together, while almost pleasant, was nothing more than a physical necessity.
Until one fateful day.
They'd been on a mission, he and Duo, when Shinigami took a severe hit and went down in a ball of flames. Heero's heart had seized up when he saw Him go down.
The heart he couldn't afford to have.
That's when he made the decision... Duo had to die.
He was a liability to Heero. He was Heero's weakness. He'd rekindled the fire within him that was slowly melting away his hard-won ice.
So this night, this dark, dark night, found Heero sighting down his gun, aiming unerringly at the sprawled figure of Duo as the crimson neon pulsed in time with the pounding of his own heart. And just as Heero's finger was about to squeeze that trigger, to bring the night crashing around them both into the annuls of fate, His eyes opened.
He met Heero's gaze impassively.
"I wondered when you would come," Duo said softly.
Heero cocked his head, eyeing the American suspiciously, though the pistol never wavered.
"I know what happened. With you and Her, I mean.
"I know what I've become. I should feel flattered I guess. After all, not just anyone gets to be a chink in the Perfect Soldier's armor."
Duo sat up and faced Heero unflinchingly.
"Do what you gotta do, man. I'm ready to die. I've been ready to die since the first time you let me kiss you. Guess it's my destiny to be killed by you."
'Cause I'm sleeping on a time bomb
And I'm waiting for the light to come
You and I could get away now
Do you know
The growl burst from his lips as he flung the gun away from him.
:Not again! Why can't I do this?: his mind shrieked.
Heero dropped to his knees, rage and confusion cluttering his mind.
Duo slipped from their bed, dropping to His knees to crouch before Heero. His normally bright lavender eyes were dark with bitterness.
"Can't do it, Heero? Can't just let it all end? Or is it that you can't be the one to do it? Too weak?"
Heero's eyes snapped up at the resentful tone in His voice.
"Did your convenient fuck get too close? Can't be the one to pull the plug on your little toy, can you? Oh yeah. I knew what I was to you. Just your little distraction.
"Didn't even occur to you that maybe I loved you, did it?"
Heero flinched, drawing away from the heat rising from Duo's skin and Duo's words.
"Then again, do you even know what that means?" Duo asked the still night air.
He cocked his head and glanced at Heero, His braid sliding across the floor as He drew closer to the Japanese pilot.Heero tried to lift an arm to keep Him at bay. He tried to back away and maintain his distance. He tried to throttle down the feelings stirring within him and awakening that beast along his spine.
He could feel Duo's heat, scorching him, melting his ice, as his own blood began to heat in response to the dark hunger he saw in the braided pilot's eyes. The beast grumbled in the tight cage Heero had forced it into. It hadn't been truly free since that night with Relena, and it was long overdue to be fed.
Duo saw the feral hunger peering out through Heero's eyes, felt it matched within his own eyes, and gave up all pretense at control.
He leaned forward, fastening His mouth on Heero's: one last feast for the damned. He took His anger, His frustration, His need, stoked it sun-hot, and forced it through His mouth. He shoved that burning fire into His lover, and felt the other boy stiffen in response.
Heero could feel the raging inferno Duo was pouring into him, he could feel it turning his ice into steam, melting it away, stealing it from him.
:Not again... don't....:
:don't stop.....:
He surrendered himself to the other Boy, wincing as Duo shoved him over backwards and pinned his body to the floor. The fire within Duo poured out of Him, dripped from every bead of perspiration, scalded Heero with every breath. Duo's fingers reached out and tore the shirt from Heero's chest, too impatient to simply slip it over his head. His hands wandered lower, tugging at the band of Heero's shorts, slipping them down his slim hips.
As their bare flesh intertwined, Duo teased the beast within Heero to a rage. Duo's mouth left a trail of steaming kisses down Heero's cheek, past his collarbone, trailing down his chest, and then lower. As Duo's mouth closed over Heero, the cage holding the beast in check shattered, and it raged forth to claim its second victim.
'Cause I don't know how
And I don't know where
We are we areAnd I don't know why
I don't know if
We are we are
Heero awoke with another fierce surge of déjà vu.
:Again. Am I forever doomed to repeat my mistakes?:
He turned his head and faced the Boy lying pressed against his side. Duo's eyes were open, unblinking as He started dully at the ceiling.
Heero pulled away from the other Pilot, looking around for his clothing. After a few disoriented moments, he gave it up for a lost cause, and walked to the dresser to retrieve a fresh set. He'd need a new shirt anyway, since Duo had ripped his from him earlier.
Duo climbed to His feet and walked back to their bed, settling into it without a word.
Heero refused to look at Him as he packed his few remaining articles into a bag.
"So it's goodbye, huh?"
:Don't look. Don't even acknowledge Him... You can't afford to feel. You can't afford Him:
Against his will, Heero found himself pausing to glance at the braided Pilot.
Duo sat on the bed, wrapped in a sheet, with His legs drawn up to His chest and His chin resting on His knees. His hair was hanging messily around His shoulders, half obscuring His face. An image of Relena's halo spread across her pillow flashed unbidden through Heero's mind.
He tightened his jaw, turning away from the hurt he saw in Duo's eyes.
"Yer a bastard. Y'know that? You could stay, y'know. It's obvious you care for me," Duo declared.
Heero turned on Him then, his reclaimed gun rising to draw a bead on Duo's head.
"I should shoot you for that alone," he snarled.
Duo gave him a painful lopsided smile.
"Yeah. But you can't."
Time stopped as they stared at each other. Only the pulsing of that damned neon sign gave any indication that there was still life in the world, but even that could have been an illusion.
Heero turned back to his bag, stuffing the last articles into its folds and zipping it up. He paused to stuff his pistol wherever it was that he normally stuffed the damned thing, and looked around the small room.
"I guess I should feel flattered. At least I get a little something like a goodbye. You didn't even give Her that," Duo snorted.
"Don't worry Heero. You put yourself back together once before. You can do it again. And then we can go kick Oz' ass". Coming to their door, Heero turned and allowed himself one last look.
"I'll be there. And I'll be fighting. Yer not man enough to break ole Shinigami. Not even the Perfect Soldier has that much power."
:how can I hurt him like this? How can I-:
:how can I afford to feel? How can afford a heart. There is no room-:
Biting back the surge of pain Duo's words awoke in him, he fled into the comfort of the night.
I get up sometimes
Like somebody else
Am I just wasting time
For somebody else
Heero had watched Relena greet the other pilots with his normal expressionless glare. He'd been gratified when seeing her brought no emotions to the surface of his mind.
It had taken him too long to regain his balance and center after that night with Duo. He'd privately been afraid that the damage might have re-awoken that stirring of things within him that he'd had to kill after that night with Relena. When nothing other than his usual bored detachment surfaced at the sight of the Sank Kingdom's Head of State, he'd breathed an internal sigh of relief.
:maybe I've finally killed my feelings for them both.:
He watched Quatre and Trowa mingle with the students from Relena's school. Quatre, having been born a socialite, blended naturally. Trowa was his silent shadow, his comforting guardian, and, strangely, no one in the crowd seemed to mind. They acted as if Trowa's presence was a given. The crowd actually seemed to find comfort in Trowa's presence.
:He always did seem to have such a calming influence. It's why he made such a good infiltrator,: the Perfect Soldier remarked within Heero's brain.
Heero had to agree. Although, since he'd regained his balance, Heero had agreed with most of what the Perfect Soldier thought.
:That only proves that you are strong again. That only proves that you've managed to freeze out that useless heart within you. We have no room for such things.:
Heero nodded his agreement and looked about for Wufei. He was surprised to see the Chinese pilot sitting in one of the plush chairs beside the fireplace, engaged in a lively discussion with Noin and Sally. A small part of his brain wondered at the surprise.
:What could be more unremarkable than a soldier parlaying with fellow soldiers? They are all warriors together.:Heero studied the trio for long moments, his discomfort growing with each passing second. Something about them was setting his nerves on edge, tilting his world on its side.
:He's laughing. He's smiling.:
:Look how she leans into him. Look how he gravitates towards her... What can he be thinking?: the Perfect Soldier supplied, pointing a mental finger at Sally and Wufei.
:It's called living...: came a very faint, childlike whisper through his mind.
Heero peered around himself suspiciously. Where had that come from?!
He was alone, standing by the open door to the lower balcony. The nearest person was fully a dozen meters away, and stuffing his face to boot.
:When ISN'T that braided baka stuffing his face?: Heero snorted to himself as he watched Duo snacking on the refreshments at the upper balcony entrance.
:He's living too....:
Heero spun around, seeking the source of that stupid whisper. Who DARED speak to him in such a tone? So young and innocent. He had no time, no need, no patience for such foolish things.
No. That was the Perfect Soldier who tried to be immune to that woeful whisper. Heero found himself morbidly fascinated with it.
:Who are you? What do you want?: he demanded of himself.
Only the silence of his own thoughts answered him.
:Ch'. Fine. Don't answer.:
The Perfect Soldier within him frowned his disapproval.
:Don't encourage the enemy.:
Heero shook his head, wondering at his own sanity as he apparently held a mental conversation with himself.
:I need some fresh air. All this festivity is cluttering my brain,: he thought, moving through the door and out onto the lower balcony. He leaned on the railing and stared out over the sea at the setting sun.
Instead of seeing the blazing ball of color and glory, his mind was too busy calculating the best angle of approach to best take advantage of its blinding glare. Instead of watching the waves break over the beach, he was estimating how many mobile suits could be effectively smuggled into the bay. Instead of watching the moon as it slowly rose from the horizon, he was analyzing the relative distance between the different colonies, and their strengths and weaknesses.
A child cried mournfully, the sorrowful wail floating on the sea breeze, hovering on the edge of his mind, perching on the edge of the icy cliffs of his soul.
Take a listen through the window
Another lover on the radio
Ask her if she's got an answer
Do you know
Duo was stuffed. It didn't happen very often, and usually only because someone rich like Relena or Quatre put out a spread like this, but for once, he was pleasantly sated.
He turned and stretched, glancing out over the party to see his friends nicely occupied. Well, at least Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei. Heero was nowhere to be seen, although that was hardly shocking.
What had surprised Duo was that the Perfect Soldier had come in the first place. After all, there had to be much more strategic places he could be than a party at Relena's.
:Speaking of the hostess, wonder where she's at... I should thank her. I haven't eaten this good since.... Oh yeah! Never!:
Duo laughed to himself as he searched for the blonde girl. He finally spotted her, standing on the upper balcony taking in the glorious Sank Kingdom sunset. He sauntered out to join her, arms clasped over his head and a grin on his face as he leaned back on the railing beside her.
"Hey, Relena. Thanks for inviting us! I don't think I've ever eaten this good before!
"Some sunset, ne?" He said, turning to face the sea and taking a deep breath of the fresh air coming in off the water."Yes. I love the sunsets here."
"Too bad the others aren't out here. I know Quatre loves to watch the sunset, although, I think he prefers it over the desert. Me? I'm more of a vast bodies of water kinda guy. It's an amazing world you have here, Relena."
"It's your world too, Duo. This world belongs to everyone."
"Yeah. I guess... Just coming from the colonies kinda gives me a different spin on it, I suppose. Sitting out there in space, the Earth doesn't seem quite this real. Just another body floating in vacuum," he replied dreamily.
Relena smiled at him before turning her attention back to the setting sun.
"I'm glad you could all come. The others seem to be enjoying themselves."
"Everyone but the Perfect Soldier. Ch'. I wonder what he ever DOES do for fun. Think he even knows what fun is?" Duo asked her with a wink.
She regarded Duo for a moment.
"Actually, I will confess that I was a little surprised that he did come. He's been so... distant since..."
"Yeah."
He remained uncharacteristically silent for a few moments; she waited for the other shoe to drop.
"Funny, y'know? I had nothing to do with that whole mess, but I still feel like apologizing. I mean, at least I got a goodbye of a sort. Stupid, ne?" he asked her, glancing at her from the corner of his eye.
To his surprise, she smiled serenely.
"It wasn't as bad as you think
"I was angry at first. When I woke up and he was gone, I mean," Relena confessed in a low voice.
"All I can remember thinking was 'How could he abandon me like that?' But I guess that's because the afterglow had faded by then," she admitted shyly.
Duo stifled a bark of laughter as he eyed her rueful grin.
"Yeah. I know what you mean. He tries so hard to be that damned "perfect soldier" that Dr. J raised him to be. Makes me wonder what the "real" Heero is like, y'know?"
She fixed him with a gentle smile and a soft nod.
"That's exactly the thought that made me reevaluate that night, actually. That night, Heero, and our future.
"I've set the Sank Kingdom up as a model for the rest of the world. I've urged everyone to use this place as their ideal to achieve peace.
"How can I reconcile what Heero does with my ideal? And it isn't just the fact that he pilots a Gundam. It goes deeper than that.
"He's a warrior. A soldier, born and bred, and trained to do nothing but shed blood. Granted, it was for a noble cause, in the beginning, but after we achieve peace? What then?"
"Whatcha mean? When we finally win the war? I-" Duo broke off, suddenly realizing that he'd never considered what would happen after the war.
What would he do?
Relena leaned close to him, her shoulder resting against his own as she stared out from the balcony.
"You see. It didn't occur to you until this moment, did it?
"What will you do? What will any of you do?"
"That is the problem. All Heero has ever known is war. All Heero has ever had was conflict and fighting. He told me once that he didn't really care about all of the politics, he just wanted to keep on fighting. Fighting those who would conquer. What happens when there are no more enemies? He doesn't know anything else."
"I know he's supposedly a sensitive boy under that soldier's exterior, but what role could he possibly play in my life? He's not the diplomatic type. Too straightforward, too cut-to-the-chase. He's too focused to simply settle down into obscurity. He's not the type to simply let it all go and vanish without a trace, as much as he might like to try. Fate wouldn't let him."
"And as much as I will admit a kind of dark fascination for him, what kind of husband would he possibly be for me? He's too violent for the image I would have to portray to the world. I hate to be so shallow, but if I want to further my ideals, to achieve my Total Pacifism, I can't afford to have him associated too closely with me. I know that the Noventa tragedy was an accident, as well as orchestrated by Oz, but it still weighs heavily in too many influential people's minds."
"I don't think he'd even do very good at being my bodyguard. Or rather, I think he'd do too well. How could anyone learn to trust me with Heero's danger and violence always shadowing me?"
"Frankly, the thought of him in my life after the war, while poetic in a romantic fairytale sort of way, is unrealistic. He's too well known for too many dark deeds."
"Now if he'd lain just a little bit lower in the public's eye, like yourself..." she said, her voice rich with humor as it trailed off.
"Wufei has already indicated that he wishes to join Noin and Sally, here in the Sank Kingdom. There is talk of raising an organization to defend Peace. Something to prevent anything like the Oz and the Romefeller Foundation from happening again. It would suit him, that pursuit of justice and peace. Although, I can also see him returning to his home, and the life of a scholar. Under that ranting exterior hides a true poet."
"Quatre? He'll return to his family, of course. Take over his family's company finally. He's such a gentle soul; this war is cruel to him. Returning to his life will be a blessing for him, I think."
"Trowa? I see him joining Quatre. I think that they, more than anything, have given me the resolve to keep working towards my ideals of Total Pacifism. Even when things look their bleakest, when others feel they have to fight for my ideals, which only serves to negate their value, I can look upon Trowa and Quatre and see something beautiful. Something glorious and worth suffering for. That two such people, two such soldiers, can find such unsullied love in the midst of a war... It lifts my heart and gives me strength."
Duo jerked and turned to stare at her in surprise.
"You knew?"
"Who wouldn't?" she answered with another of her characteristic gentle smiles.
"How could anyone watch them together and not know how much they love each other? It's like the sun, bathing the Earth in life-giving warmth and light. Even when it storms, we always know, somewhere in our hearts, that above those tumultuous clouds, the sun still shines. Just like with them. Even when the war casts its ugly shadow over them, you can still feel their love, lighting each other from within. You don't need to see the actual physical proof of it to know that it exists."
'What about me?" Duo asked with a chuckle.
"You are the mystery for me," she admitted.
"I hardly know anything about you. We've never really spoken before now. I can't begin to guess at what you might do after the war, when I haven't a clue what you try so hard to hide behind your smile."
He fixed her with a calculating look.
"And what makes you think I'm hiding anything? After all, what could be more open than a smile and a laugh? Just 'cos I'm psychotic enough to be enjoying this whole "Gundam experience" doesn't mean I'm hiding anything."
Relena shook her head, leaning into Duo comfortingly.
"Are you really, Duo Maxwell?"
"I don't doubt that you enjoy the feeling of freedom that your Gundam gives you. The power to go anywhere. The power to do anything. The call of space and the seduction of flight? I can fully well guess at their tug against your soul."
"But at what cost, Duo Maxwell?"
"I've watched you, you know. Those few times I managed to convince you all to join me here. I've watched you sit and stare out over the sea. I've seen your pensive gaze, roaming over the sunsets. I've seen you shrug off tears in the rain."
"Who is it you cry for, I wonder?"
"Yer not nearly as childish as I thought you were, Relena," Duo said grudgingly.
"One can actually grow up. Even the idealistic pacifist."
They stood leaning against each other on the balcony, watching the last rays of the sun paint the sky for a long time. Duo finally broke the silence.
"I'd like to open an orphanage, I think."
"An orphanage?"
"Yeah. I- I grew up on the streets on L2. It sucked, gotta admit. I had a few friends. We all looked out for each other, but there's only so much you can do when there's no food and no places to live."
"We useta... useta hafta turn tricks sometimes... just to find money to get food. Learned how to be a good thief there too. No one gave a shit about us street rats. At least until Father Maxwell."
"He took us all in. Maxwell Church. Ran kinda an orphanage there, tryin' to help all the war orphans an' street rats like me."
"I wasn't a very good kid. Never could get myself adopted out. Not like the others. They all found nice homes. But Father Maxwell and Sister Helen took me in as their own. They were the only family I really remember."
"They were so kind. They didn't deserve to get stuck with me," he sighed, smiling sadly, and trying to make light of the twisting wrench in his soul.
Relena saw past the ruse, however. She could feel the ache his words were costing him. She wrapped her arm across his shoulders and drew him close, offering support. Duo grinned painfully at her.
"What happened to them?" she whispered.
"Eh? Oh... One night, when the church was full of refugees, the Alliance military came and blew the whole place to hell. They were retaliating for me trying to steal a mobile suit. Like I said... I wasn't a very good kid," he replied, his voice catching.
Relena turned him then, pulling him close and enveloping him in a hug. Duo stiffened in surprise at first, but he gradually allowed himself to relax in her arms.
To his horror, he felt a sob welling up in his throat.
Relena soothed him, calling forth the flood of tears that he hadn't even realized that he desperately needed to shed until this moment. Her hands stroked his back comfortingly, her body swaying, like a mother rocking her babe.
Duo clung to her, emptying the hate and rage and sorrow from his soul, pouring it all out into her patient understanding. For the first time, he realized how bright Relena was. She was like a shining beacon in this war, lighting their way to peace. She was like the moon, beautiful and serene in the cold emptiness of the universe.
He'd never seen how beautiful the moon was until he'd come to Earth and seen it from afar. Here, the moon lost it's ghoulish quality, lost the cold sterility of grey rock and dust, and took on the radiant glow of the sun. Here, it flashed quicksilver and joy, crowning the heavens with a reverent kiss.
In contrast, he'd never seen how beautiful Relena was until he dared to venture this close. Here, held fast in his arms, she lost her haughtiness, lost the naïve, stubborn façade, and took on the radiant glow of womanhood. Here, caught in his embrace, her cheeks flushed, eyes dark and needy as they fixed on his tear streaked face.
He felt something spark within him, alighting his soul. He felt a connection. From the flash in her eyes, and her small gasp, he could tell she felt it too.
It was like coming home for the first time. It was the first drops of rain after an eternal drought. It was the flash of the universe, being born in an instant.
It was like finding the other half of his soul.
His jaw trembled as he stared down into her eyes. Her eyes slid shut as he bent his head towards hers. As their lips touched, a burning fire passed between them, a thousand times more brilliant than what they'd each had with Heero. It drove all thoughts of war and past and future and Heero from their minds. It drove all memory of the Japanese pilot from their bodies.
They rode the wave of fire, letting it cleanse them in the cool night air, and silently pledged each other their hearts in the darkness. They wrapped one another in an eternal embrace. They proclaimed their newfound love to the world in that one raging kiss, and the world rejoiced.
From the darkness, a pair of cobalt eyes stared on, unbelieving, as Duo and Relena finally found their peace.
'Cause I don't know how
And I don't know where
We are we areAnd I don't know why
I don't know if
We are we are
Heero stared at the pair embracing on the balcony. He could feel the ice within him, the ice he'd struggled so hard to repair, fracture, on the verge of shattering at their betrayal.
:Betrayal? What the hell? I-:
He shook his head, trying to make sense of the tumble of emotions running through the splintered tundra of his soul.
:It makes no sense! Who cares if they- They could screw each other like minks. I shouldn't care! I DON'T care!:
:That's a lie. I should be happy, if anything. One less fucking complication in my life. Let them use each other up. Then neither one of them can bother me.:
:I shouldn't feel ANYTHING! The Perfect Soldier cannot afford to FEEL. What the fuck is WRONG WITH ME!?:
He found his pistol in his hand. His shaking hand.
:no. I- panic...:
Terror clawed at his stomach, ripped at his spine, almost dropping him to his knees as he contemplated his quivering fingers. His hands had NEVER wavered like this before. Never.
Even the night when he'd gone to kill Relena, even the night when he'd gone to kill Duo, he'd not felt this strong of a stirring of rage/fear/pain/need within himself.
:I CANNOT AFFORD THIS! I'm a soldier! I cannot afford such weakness!:
With an exertion of will, he slowly forced his hand to obey him, to cease it's quaking and re-holster the gun. With a deep breath, he forced his mind to quiet.
:They are nothing to me. I am the Perfect Soldier. I have no place for weakness. I have no place for attachments. I have no place for a heart.:
:They are nothing to me. I have no heart.:
He repeated the litany silently, time and time again. The comforting mantra stilled his tumbling mind, but did nothing to heal the fractured ice within him. If anything, it only widened the fissures.
:They are nothing to me. I have no heart.:
A small, broken, childish voice spoke up within him, sobbing, wailing into the forced stillness of his soul.
:If you have no heart, then why is it broken now?!:
As everything within him came crashing down around that tiny voice, as the ice came tumbling and clattering through his calm facade, as he felt his fragile psyche explode into slivers and fragments, he fled into the finality of the night.
~~OWARI~~
RavynFyre
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