30-Dec-2000
Title: Preload
Author: Ravynfyre
Archive: GW Addiction, Darkflame
Category: Introspective Angst
Pairings: none
Standard Disclaimer: All parts of Gundam Wing are Not Mine. It's all Theirs. *sigh* Too bad, but otherwise, I guess I'd never get anything done *happy hentai thought*. Anyway, not makin' any money offa this so dun sue me. You'd only get some college debt, a few dogs, and a pair of fuzzy bunny slippers anyway. Ya know. blood. Turnip. Do the math.
Rating: PG
Warning: none
Spoiler: Dun know the episode number, but it's just before everyone goes back to space the first time
Notes: no unnecesary pilot torture, no pilot rape, no pilot death... what angst used to be...
Feedback: Yes, please. All comments welcome (although flames may be fed to my dogs, who, since they have notoriously gassy intestinal tracts, will be spending the night with the flamer afterwards)
The more a heart fills with blood before it contracts, the more it has to stretch to accommodate that fluid. The more it stretches, the harder it's going to contract when that beat thumps its presence into the world. But there's a limit. The heart can only stretch so far before it tears. It can take only so much load before it fills too far. Even a perfect heart can stand only so much strain before it simply snaps.
Life is like that. Just every day normal life, I mean. Well, as normal as a Gundam Pilot's life can be, at any rate. Even our defense mechanisms can take only so much strain before they get pushed too far. There's always something out there trying to make that last push, trying to break down our wills. Adding that extra load.
I thought I'd found my limit the day Wing crashed to the earth, lifeless and shattered, just like its pilot. I thought I'd reached the limit of my load when the last truly good thing in my life was whisked away in a wash of agony and fire.
Guess what? I was wrong.
As I watched Heavyarms enter the fray with an apparently resurrected Wing at its side, I felt the load push just that much farther in my chest.
Wing. Fighting in that unmistakable breakneck manner I'd grown to know so well, and hate for its suicidal mien. Wing on the battlefield. And Duo alone.
How long had it been since Siberia? Since the day the missions quit pouring in and my life almost collapsed around me? How long had I been laboring under this misapprehension?
Wing blazing away at the Leos and Aries standing in its way. Wing in the fray.
Weeks? More like months. Months of mourning him for dead. Weeks spent wondering if it was even worth pulling myself out of bed each morning. Days spent in nothing more than stupefied contemplation, waiting as the shock finally passed. Hours of tears I swore I'd never waste on anything in my life again. Minutes of agonized denial blown on the wisps of smoke rising from the crater. One second of eternity.
All for nothing. He'd been alive the whole time.
Life is comprised of millions of moments strung together like a strand of pearls. Each moment flashes into awareness, like a drop of blood, flooding the heart. The heart contracts, the blood is pumped, and the moment is gone, replaced by another.
How many moments had I wasted on him? Yes, wasted! How long had he been alive? And this is how I'm told? Seeing the two of them, breaking our silence by taking to the battlefield once again.
The two of them.
In my chest, I felt my heart spasm. Heavyarms and Wing. And Deathscythe alone.
Well, I can't really say he lied to me. He'd have had to have spoken to me to have lied to me. No. He didn't lie. but he did deceive me.
Heavyarms and Wing. And Duo alone.
My heart spasmed again, firming against this new shove. Strengthening against this new load. I could feel my heart filling with his deceit and my anger and for one awful moment, I thought it might finally tear. Guess I don 't give myself enough credit then. It didn't tear. I didn't fall.
The load wasn't too great. I will survive.
Within me, an icy resolve filled me, giving me strength to stand against not only OZ, but to stand up to his betrayal and my own sorrow. He wouldn't break me. The load of his deception wouldn't destroy me.
Heavyarms and Wing. Shinigami and Duo. We would stand firm. Together we would overcome.
And the heart contracted. The moment was gone. Another took its place. Destiny marched on.
~owari~
RavynFyre
Please send comments to: ravynfyre@hotmail.com