03-Feb-2001
Title: Penance
Author: Ravynfyre
Archive: GW Addiction, Darkflame
Category: deathfic, angst
Pairings: 1+2
Standard Disclaimer: All parts of Gundam Wing are Not Mine. It's all Theirs.*sigh* Too bad, but otherwise, I guess I'd never get anything done *happyhentai thought*. Anyway, not makin' any money offa this so dun sue me. You'd only get some college debt, a few dogs, and a pair of fuzzy bunny slippers anyway. Ya know... blood. Turnip. Do the math.
Rating: PG-13
Warning: deathfic. someone dies. more than one someone, actually. darkness, self-castigation, anger, death. Do with it as you will.
Spoiler: none
Notes: deathfic. it bugs me when people dun lable their deathfics, so I wun be blamed for that. here it is for the fourth time or so. someone dies. It's also stream of consciousness, so it seems like it rambles. It's supposed to seem that way.
Feedback: Yes, please. All comments welcome (although flames may be fed to my dogs, who, since they have notoriously gassy intestinal tracts, will be spending the night with the flamer afterwards)
I miss him, you know. With all my heart and soul, I miss him. I wake up at night, screaming into my pillow, the tears soaking into the damp, thick cloth that smells faintly of my shampoo, but mainly of grease and sweat and other tears. I wake up knowing that it's all my fault. If I'd never said a thing, if I'd just gone on living the lie, we'd still be together, and I wouldn't feel like I was living without half my soul now. I could have gone on living that lie. I could have woken up each day, I who never lie, and lived one, moving from each motion to the next in a dull stupor, content just to leaves thing status quo... if only. If only he hadn't hurt the others like he had. If only he'd never brought his pain and misery and near death upon them all. If only his lie hadn't had such far-reaching consequences. If it had stayed with me, if it had gone no further than my dark-clad form, I would have kept the secret of his deceit. No one else needed to know what a traitor to humanity Heero Yuy was. Only me. I wouldn't speak a lie, but I would have lived one for him, if only that would have been the end of it. God I miss him so much. He was everything. He was the only one who could survive my curse. The curse of the God of Death. How many times had he proven that? I lost count. So I believed. I believed in him, and his cause, and his fight, and even that hateful partner of his... Wing. I even believed in Wing for him. And worst yet, I believed in the sincerity of his soul, the boy with no humanity within him, I believed in his soul. And I wasn't alone. The others did too. That was his downfall. Oh god why? I scream it to the night, to a god I don't even believe in, demanding an answer for a question that shouldn't be. If only the others hadn't had to have seen how stained his hands were with the blood of the innocent, with their own blood, then it all could have gone on, they all could have lived on, blissfully unaware. But it's my fault. I didn't protect them well enough. I didn't shield them well enough from his treachery and my own doubts. The truth got out, and the sentence was passed. It was my fault. It *is* my fault. He's gone because of me and I miss him more than I miss air or food or light. It's not usually so bad, but the nights get so lonely. And I sit and stare at this laptop screen waiting for a message that will never come again. Waiting for my salvation. But it will never come, because I get to be the one to bear the ultimate sin.
I get to be the one who pulled the trigger and killed Heero Yuy.
And the gunshot rings out. Penance is served.
~owari~
RavynFyre
Please send comments to: ravynfyre@hotmail.com