Wufei sighed as he closed his book. He couldn't concentrate enough to read, and he was only losing his place from the last time he'd picked the book up and actually been able to process the words.
He tried to blame this on the loud voices and ear-splitting music coming from the room of his suite-mates, even through the barrier of the bathroom, but he was an honest enough boy to admit to himself that those weren't really the causes.
He sighed heavily, standing from his desk, and hesitating a moment. He wanted... He wanted to go next door and meet them; the noisy, long-haired one who had burst in on him in the shower and looked so much like a girl, and the dark one with intense blue eyes he'd seen briefly in the hall when he was moving in. And it sounded as though they had other friends in there too, for he heard a strange voice or two, raised over the music. He really did want to... But...
But...
With an unhappy sniffle, Wufei flopped on his bed -- he'd pushed the two twin beds together to create one large one -- and curled against the pillows with his stuffed panda bear, its white and black plush faded with time and worn with love. It had a pink ribbon around its neck, and he knew that somewhere out there was its mate, with a blue ribbon, identical except for that small difference.
Wufei buried his face in the stuffed softness, fighting tears with all his might. Even though he was in the room alone, both doors locked and the blinds tightly closed, it was weak to give in to weeping, something a woman might do.
That's what Meiran had always said, anyway. Never mind that she was a girl, and girls usually tended to grow up to be women. Meiran wasn't *like* the other girls, though. She was strong and brave and... and... and everything Wufei was not!
He sobbed into his bear's warm, understanding belly, coiling more closely into himself. He missed his sister! She was everything he was not; she was the one who would have marched right over there and made friends -- or enemies -- of the boys next door! Well, she wouldn't have been in the boy's dorm, true, but the fact was, without her, Wufei was too cowardly to go meet the boys he'd be sharing the tiny bathroom with for the entire semester, the boys he'd have to run across eventually, the boys he desperately *did* want to be friends with...
He whimpered, squeezing the bear until it seemed its seams might burst, but that didn't make the crying stop. He missed Meiran! It was like a piece of his soul was gone! They'd never been apart longer than a week their entire lives, and he wasn't sure how the world worked without her. How did he make friends? Find his way to his classes? Deal with the teachers, who might be kind or cruel as their whims suited them? He was lost, and without Meiran to guide him, he was foundering.
He sniffled, rubbing his wet cheek against his equally damp panda, hiccuping sobs beginning to fade slightly. He didn't understand why she'd had to leave. She'd said something about being stifled, and wanting to live a "real life" when she'd snuck in to bid him good-bye that last night. Wufei thought maybe he understood, a little, because he'd always known she was unhappy at home, even though it didn't seem so bad to him... But then, he'd always had Meiran to stand between him and any trouble. And he was a boy, and the heir, even though she was the older of the twins.
But he didn't know how she expected to find a "real life", living with a circus clown, and to him the idea of being so far from home and family and friends was too scary for words. He supposed Meiran was in her element, though, and he hoped with all his heart that she was happy. He wanted her to be happy, even though he missed her so much it ached, deep in his chest.
It still hurt, though. And it hurt even more to be sent away like this. As though his parents were punishing him as well as Meiran. It was actually something of a relief to be gone, because everything in the house reminded him of his sister, and there was a big hole that could never be filled back up where she used to be. But it hurt to be sent away for something he hadn't done. He hadn't even really understood that Meiran was leaving for good when she hugged him good-bye. He'd thought... Well, he wasn't sure what he'd thought. He guessed he must have really been pretty stupid, like Meiran always said.
Not that she meant it. Well, not completely, anyway. Well, only when she was annoyed at him. Which seemed to happen an awful lot... But he always knew she loved him, even when she was pulling his hair and calling him a baby when he cried about it. The one solid thing in his life was his sister and her love, and now she was gone, and her love was... well, there was a bond between them that could never be broken, even by death. He could still feel it, and he knew she still loved him, but... she'd left him alone. That wasn't fair! He could have come to the circus with her and worked setting up tents and stuff, to earn his keep...
Wufei sighed, scrubbing at his stinging eyes and sniffling wetly. Instead, he had been left behind, in a house full of whispers and dark looks. He'd been forbidden to mention Meiran's name, and then they'd sent him away to this school! He'd asked why, and persisted, for once in his life, in continuing to ask when he was ignored, and finally his father had snapped that it was because he looked too much like his sister and his mother couldn't stand it. When he'd just stood there, shocked, struggling so very hard not to cry, his father had relented, looking more than a bit guilty, and gently explained that Wufei was going to Wilmington to become a man, because he'd been coddled too long by his sister, and he had to become his own person.
Privately, Wufei thought both reasons were true, and that made him almost wish never ever to have to return home. He hadn't been coddled! Meiran loved him, that was why she'd taken care of him! And he was already his own person!
But... he couldn't even go next door and make friends, so maybe his father was right. And he *did* look an awful lot like Meiran; that much was clear every time he looked in the mirror. So maybe his father was right -- maybe he was better off here.
That still didn't make it feel any less like a rejection, though. And it didn't make him miss his twin any less. He needed Meiran to live. Without her...
Everything was new here, but there were still reminders. He'd pushed the beds together almost immediately upon arrival because he couldn't bear to see them... twins. It was irrational, and probably stupid, but he couldn't help himself. He just hoped he wouldn't get in trouble for it later.
He hadn't been able to bring anything that had belonged to Meiran with him, even though he'd sort of wanted to. But his father had checked his luggage, and he'd known anything of his sister's found would ring a scolding down on his head. The stuffed panda had drawn a frown, but his father hadn't been able to protest, since Wufei had had the bear since he was been three days old, and not any bigger than the toy himself. And Wufei had managed to smuggle out the message board Meiran had made for him, secreted carefully in his towels. And in his pocket, he'd stuffed the sheet of rub-on tattoos Meiran had given him. She'd crowed with glee when she bought them at the carnival, daring Wufei to wear one. He'd never had the guts, but now... Now he desperately needed something of his sister to hold onto, and he wanted to show both her and himself that he had a little courage, and so he had tried one. Although, he had to admit, he'd put it in a place no one would ever see it...
Wufei sniffled again, clutching his bear close. He looked down at the happy smile on its stitched face, its black eyes twinkling at him. He could almost hear Meiran yelling at him to stop being such a baby, to get out there and make friends! He knew that was what she would have wanted, and it was the best way he had left to feel close to her.
Well... Maybe he would! But not right now. Right now, his eyes were puffy and sore and his nose was red and runny and he ached slightly from crying so hard. Right now he thought he ought to take a nap. But once he recovered, he thought that maybe... just maybe... he might go meet the boys next door. Surely neither could be as bad as Meiran at her worst, and he was so incredibly lonely.
With a few last sniffs and a deep sigh, Wufei settled down on the bed, panda cuddled against his chest, left thumb sneaking up toward his lips -- though Meiran had tried her hardest to break him of the habit -- as his heavy lids drifted lower. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad here at Wilmington. He didn't have his sister and he was still a little scared, but he could make new friends and maybe... just maybe... people might like him.
Maybe he could be happy here, and find his own "real life"!
The End
(:./knm/wilmington2)
