13-Sep-2004
Title: Only A Motion Away
Author: Lasha Lee
Part: 1/1
Warnings: Angst
Disclaimer: I don't own the GW boys. "Mother and Child Reunion" is by Paul Simon.
Pairing: 2xH referenced.
Note: This is a side-fic to the "All the Way to There" series, a short prequel. I've wanted to write this one for a long time now. It is a little disjointed, and bounces around, but that's deliberate. I wanted it to kind of fit Duo's thought-process during this time-period of his life. I hope it still manages to make sense.
No I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
But the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion awayOh, little darling of mine.
I can't for the life of me
Remember a sadder day
I know they say let it be
But it just don't work out that way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over again
The alley wasn't much more than a two-foot gap between the crumbling brick buildings. They were close enough that the people who lived in the apartments above could lean out their windows and speak to each other, close enough to toss a can of spaghetti or a bottle of beer to a neighbor. The alley smelled like piss and cinnamon and burning rubber.
Duo ran, barely noticing any of it. He ran down the alley because he had to get away, had to keep moving, had to go. He could hear the breathing behind him, heavy and panting, he could almost smell the rancid breath. He ran because it wasn't human, whatever was chasing him, and it was getting closer and closer. He could hear fighting from the apartments above him, laughter from a television, a baby crying.
The crying was what his mind focused on, and it seemed to grow louder, as if the baby too was in the alley, lying among the broken beer bottles and filth. Duo was filled with an even sicker dread, that whatever was chasing him would abandon him from the sweeter meat of the child, would grab the baby, embrace it, choke the life from it. He turned around on his heal, ready to face it down, ready to protect the unseen child with his own life.
The alley faded away, and suddenly he was warm, too warm, a spit-damp pillow under his face and a stiffness in his neck and back. He was facedown on the couch in his living room, and the crying continued, confusing him for a moment. The baby. Where was the baby?
He lurched upright, rubbing his eyes, and then staggered across the room to a wheeled bassinet. The terror of the dream was still so strong he was almost afraid to look inside, afraid of what he might find waiting for him, afraid to find the small crib empty of anything but that wail.
The child's face was bright red, his eyes screwed up tightly and his small fists grasping the edges of his blanket and turning white. He yelled again, his mouth opening as wide as possible, revealing nearly toothless pink gums.
"Jazz." Duo whispered, his heart relaxing. "It's okay, buddy. I'm here. Come on."
He lifted the baby against his bare chest, and the wailing ceased, although Jazz continued to make small bird noises and sniffles. "'Sokay. Sorry I didn't hear you at first. Let's get you changed."
A half-hour later, in a clean diaper and with a belly full of mashed peaches, Jazz had considerably calmed down. He sat in his high-chair across from Duo, regarding his father out of enormous violet eyes.
"Ma?" He asked, and then looked baffled as Duo buried his head into his arms and began to sob.
"Ma?" Jazz banged his fist on the tray of the high-chair.
Duo tried to pull himself together. "Jazz... Ma go bye-bye." The words weighed a ton on his tongue. "Jesus, how can I make you understand that?" How? I barely understand it myself.
Jazz tilted his head. "Da?" He asked then, and Duo managed to choke out "Yeah, Da's here, kiddo." He picked up Jazz and cuddled him.
Yesterday... the memories came no matter how hard he pushed them away. Oh love, oh Hilde, wake up, please wake up, please don't do this, oh god no, Jazz, don't leave him, don't leave me, Hilde hang on, call, call someone, bring her back, save her, you have to, no, oh god no...
The doorbell rang, and Duo walked toward it still in a daze, the baby at his shoulder.
"Duo... Oh Duo I'm so sorry. We came as soon as we could." Quatre was in his arms; he could see Trowa, see Wufei behind him. "It's okay, we're here."
Trowa was taking Jazz from him, and the last thing Duo heard before passing out cold was his son cooing.
Arrangements. Quatre handled it. Duo existed in a vacuum, doing whatever was asked of him, answering questions without thought. The only thing he responded to was Jazz. Although his friends tried to take over with the baby, he refused to allow it, keeping his son close to him at all times. He slept only in quick, dream-filled bursts.
"Because I love you. Marry me. Come on, say yes."
"Why now? We're young. We have the rest of our lives to get married? Why are you in such a hurry?"
"Because I don't know how long the rest of my life is going to be."
Honesty. He was always honest with her, even when he knew an honest answer wasn't really what she was looking for. He was honest with her because he would not taint their bond with lies.
Then later... they were staring at each other, bewildered and a little frightened, and then they were laughing like lunatics. "What now?" He asked, wiping his eyes.
"Don't look at me." Hilde had shrugged. "I was hoping you'd know." She glanced down at her stomach thoughtfully. "Any ideas on your end what we're supposed to do with you? Considering that you decided not to wait five years like we planned?"
She listened for a second. "He says he expects us to be the world's greatest parents, or else... "
"Us? Parents? What do we know about being parents?" Duo shook his head. "Kiddo, are you in for a shock. If I accidentally diaper your head and stuff a bottle up your... "
"Duo!"
"What?"
"You can't talk that way in front of a child!"
"You're two weeks along! He doesn't even have ears yet!"
"Well, we need to start practicing now. We have to learn to act like adults. No swearing in front of him, no off-color jokes, and for the love of God you cannot wear that hideous green sweater anywhere near him!"
"We keep calling him him. What if him is a her?"
"She won't like the sweater either."
"There's no room for a baby here." He looked at their tiny apartment in alarm. "What do we need? What do babies need?" Duo grabbed up a pen and paper from the table. "Clothing, toys, college education, food, diapers... we can't afford toys for me! How are we going to afford toys for him? We need furniture. Bassinet, layette, crib, playpen, stroller... I'll have to get another job. Two more jobs. No, we'll move in with Quatre. He's got money. We'll live with him until the baby is 20."
"No we will not! You will not get another job, and we have nearly nine months to get ready for him. We'll get a bunch of second-hand things. And... we were talking about buying a house. We'll save up for a down-payment. He'll have his own room. We'll make this work, Duo."
"How?" He asked, not trying to be mean but needing her assurance.
"Because we're the best team ever, that's why. You and me and... whatever his name is. Between the three of us, we'll figure it out. As long as it's the three of us, we'll always do okay."
"Hildeeeeee. I have a problem."
"What's wrong?"
"I can't get him out of the baby-tub."
"What do you mean you can't get him out?"
"He's too slippery. I can't lift him out of there! That's it, I'm a complete failure as a Dad. My son is stuck in a tub at less than 3 days old and it's all my fault!"
"Knock it off! Here, let me get him... wow, he is kind of slippery, isn't he? Did you rinse off all the soap? I can't get a good grip."
"Yeah, I still can't lift him. He keeps sliding out of my hands, too."
A whimper.
"Yes, Jason, I know we're idiots. Give us a minute here."
"Maybe if we use the towel... "
"Let's try that."
"Here we go. Sorry, Jason, I know you don't like it. Here, dry towel. Don't cry, we got you out. We didn't just leave you there and go out for pizza. No, Jason, not on the clean... "
"I think we deserved that."
"Yeah, definitely. At least he won't remember this when he grows up."
"We hope... "
"I'm sorry."
Over and over again they said that to him; his friends, Hilde's friends, people he didn't even know. They stood near her casket and said it, they filed through his house and said it, they looked at Jazz and said it. "I'm so sorry." He wanted to scream if he heard it again. He wanted them all gone; he wanted the sorrys to stop, he wanted them all to get back to their own interrupted lives and leave him alone with his son.
"Come back to Earth with us." Quatre had begged. "Please. Just for a little while. Come back with us. Let us take care of you."
He'd smiled, and made some kind of a joke, and finally they'd given him what he wanted and left. He had the silence at last.
He went to work a few days later, Jazz on his back in a sling, and that was normal. He and Hilde always kept Jazz in the office with them when they worked. He had his own little area, and he loved to watch the huge metal machines through the window.
A week. Two weeks. Life was a dull routine that he relished. They left each morning for the scrap yard as the sun was coming up. Jazz was always clean and well-fed; Duo sometimes was hard-pressed to remember the last time he'd changed his clothing or eaten. Jazz played and napped as Duo worked, taking on Hilde's responsibilities as well as his own. Carol and Eddie, they meant well and they worked hard, but Duo would trust Hilde's special charts and data to no one else. No one else was worthy. He was not worthy.
They went no where else in those weeks, just to the scrap yard and home again. Duo kept the shades drawn, ignored the knocks that came and went on his front door. He would book no intrusion on his private time with Jazz, in a world made for just the two of them. He read to his son and sang to him, and told him stories, and they'd fall asleep together on the floor, side by side. He had not slept in his bed since Hilde had not awoken from it.
It was Saturday, and Duo awoke from another dream to find blinding sunlight hitting his eyes. "Wha... "
"Get up, Duo. Come on, wake up."
"Wu... what're you doing here?" Duo blinked and looked up at his friend, who was standing in the sunlight glaring down at him.
"Eddie called me." Wufei knelt down next to him. "I wish he'd called me sooner. God, you smell like a sewer. When was the last time you had a shower, Duo?"
"I don't remember." He picked up Jazz and stood, stretching. "We're still alive. You can go back home now."
"I will do no such thing. Duo, look at yourself. You're a mess! This has to stop."
"Mind your own business, Wufei. This has nothing to do with you. We're doing fine."
"Fine? Duo, you look like hell. When was the last time you ate? When was the last time Jazz ate?"
"Jazz ate a few hours ago!" Duo turned on his friend, furious. "What, you think I'm starving my son! Get the hell out of my house!"
"So you feed him and change his diaper. Do you think that's enough? Duo, look around you. I know that you're going through hell right now, but you don't have the luxury of wallowing in it! You can't raise a child like this! You can't lock him up here in your mausoleum with you, away from the sunlight! He deserves better!"
"He's my son, Wufei. I'll raise him however I damn well please."
"He's my godson, so no you will not. I'm here to take him."
"Excuse me?"
Wufei folded his arms. "I'm taking Jazz back to Earth with me. If you want to fade away in Hilde's memory I can't stop you, but you will not take Jazz with you."
"What gives you the right? What gives you the right to judge me, huh? I'm doing the best I can, Wufei! This wasn't how it was supposed to be! I can't do this alone! I can't! I can't raise him by myself! I need Hilde!"
Jazz began to cry at the loud words and before Duo could react Wufei had taken the child into his own arms. "Not like this, you can't raise him. If you're not even willing to try, what right do you have to keep him? I know a judge who will give him to me in a heartbeat."
Duo shivered. "Wufei... he's all I have left. Give him back. Please."
"To what? To this?" Wufei pointed at the dirty living room. "Is this what his mother would want for him?"
"I don't give a damn what his mother wants! She left us! She... " He stopped himself.
"No, go on. Let it out."
"She promised us! We were best team ever, she said. Her and me and Jazz! We were always going to be together and then she left us! She went away and left me here and oh God Wufei I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be his mom and his dad."
Wufei put Jazz down in his bassinet and put his arms around his friend, who began to sob. "I'll help you figure it out. I'll stay here for a while, until you get yourself together."
"You can't... "
"Yes I can."
"Don't take my kid."
"I won't." Wufei handed Jazz back to his father. "What am I going to do with a pet Maxwell anyway?"
"So what was all that about then?"
"Waking you up, I suppose. Making you angry was the only way I could think of it get you to start living again."
"So what the hell do I do now, oh Wise One?"
"Go get a shower. I'll cook you something to eat, and then we'll take Jazz and go for a long walk. Maybe a movie or something; you need to be around adults right now. Then we'll sit down and work out a plan."
Duo smiled, quickly but visibly. "Thank you."
"You're a survivor, Duo. You just needed someone to remind you of that. What else are friends for?"
Dear Hilde:
A year ago today, we lost you. We lost your smile, your warmth, your light. There are some mornings when I swear I feel you next to me in our bed, that you are so close I can reach out and touch you.
Wufei stayed with us for a little while after you were gone. I wasn't doing too hot, you know. I guess I was afraid of really waking up and trying to go on with my life without you, but he made me face reality. By the time he went home, I was doing a lot better. I think he would have stayed longer if I'd let him, just to be near Jazz.
Oh Jazz... Hilde I hope you can see him where you are because he is a sight to behold. This little unexpected miracle of ours is getting bigger and smarter each day and he amazes me.
When you last held him, he was just starting to walk. Well, he doesn't walk any longer; he runs now. He runs everywhere. He runs through the house, through the scrap yard, down the street, through the grocery store. He runs until he collapses, then he gets up and runs some more.
He is a beautiful little boy, with a little something of each of us and something completely his own. He talks... god can he talk! He talks about everything, and I don't always understand most of it but I never get tired of listening to him.
He sings too, and he holds his belly when he laughs. He loves to play tricks on me, and he has a real sweet-tooth (don't worry, I don't just feed him sugar). He will only eat scrambled eggs, and he will not even touch his oatmeal unless I put a squirt of chocolate into it. His favorite TV show is "Raccoon Racers" and he loves to listen to the radio with me. He still loves jazz music, and he really likes the Beatles, too. He can sort of sing along to Eleanor Rigby. He gets the tune right and just sings nonsense words along with it.
Wufei is going to be here in a few hours, I think to make sure that I'm doing okay today. Before he gets here I'm going to take Jazz out for a ride on his Powerbike. He rides as fast as he can down the sidewalk, with me right behind him. He turns his head up into the sunlight and he laughs, and I hear you in it.
I had the oddest dream the other night, about Heero of all people. I don't remember very much, except that he was asking me about Jazz and it was really important to me that he know everything about him. Do you know where he is, Love? If so, keep an eye on him. Tell him that if he ever gets tired of being lost, he has friends to come home to.
So don't worry about us, my darling. Jazz and I... we're doing okay. But we miss you. I know that you miss us too. Someday, we'll be a family again.
"You're a million miles away." Wufei glanced over at his friend as they sat together on the porch of the farmhouse. "What's on your mind?"
Duo glanced down at the baby on his lap. "Just wondering what she'll grow up like. Jazz and Linra have all of these plans for her future; I don't have the heart to tell them she'll laugh in their faces. I was so sure Jazz would be an engineer when he grew up. They surprise us, don't they?"
Wufei rolled his eyes. "Try twins, Maxwell. I'm still not recovered from Shan's little trip to Seta. I swear if he even thinks of doing something that... idiotic again, I'll... "
"We did okay though, didn't we?" Duo asked softly. "We raised some pretty great kids. Even if they do drive us insane."
"Are you asking me if I think you did a good job with Jazz? I know what today is, Duo. She's always watching over you, and I know she's proud of how you raised him. And so am I."
Nadia cooed softly and her grandfather jostled her. "There's one thing I've always wanted to ask you. Eddie swears he didn't call you to come to L2 and help us out. How did you know I was in trouble?"
"Let's just say I knew, and leave it at that. You were never as alone as you imagined."
In Duo's arms, the child cooed again.
Oh, little darling of mine.
I just can't believe it's so,
And though it seems strange to say
I never been laid so low
In such a mysterious way
And the course of a lifetime runs
Over and over againBut I would not give you false hope
On this strange and mournful day
When the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away,
Oh, oh the mother and child reunion
Is only a motion away
Oh the mother and child reunion
Is only a moment away
The End
(:./lasha/motion)
